So you did it, you gave in to those raging hormones and had sex way before you said you were going to with this particular guy. It’s cool, maybe he won’t be an asshole, maybe he’ll see you giving it up this fast as proof that you really like him. No time to weigh the consequences because right now you’re in his crib, laying naked in his full size bed, under sheets you know he hasn’t washed in weeks. He’s sleeping, a casualty of the “best pussy ever (see unicorn blog)”… Pop Quiz hot shot: it’s 2am and he drove you here, what do you do? Wake him out of his vagina induced coma to drive you back to your hood, where the local block boys and nosey neighbors will see you doing the walk of shame from his car to your house? …OR do you cuddle up to this virtual stranger and spend the night?
A girl staying the night can be great or it can be a living hell. I use to love letting girls spend the night, just in case I misfired. If she spends the night that guaranteed you’d have another chance to prove that you’re not a ten minute man, plus girls tend to do kinkier shit at 3am than they would at 10pm—trust me. Sometimes it’s not worth it, especially if she’s one of those 5’s who was a last resort at the club, or maybe you weren’t feeling her after you saw her take off those “booty pop” underwear. Either way sleeping with someone for the first time is a much intimate thing than just having sex with them. A guy spending the night at a girl’s place isn’t a big deal; she’s comfortable and safe, so more than likely she won’t have trouble falling to sleep. On the flip side, if she says, “I have to be up early” or “My kid comes in my room in the morning” there’s no hurt feelings, because unless you’re what Gucci Mane calls a “pussy nigga” you don’t want to lay up with her all night anyway. She doesn’t have to sleep next to your snoring and farting and you don’t have to worry about waking up to her calling you her “boyfriend” in the morning. Go home people and everyone wins. BUT! If you are going to stay the night at a Guy’s house there are rules that MUST be followed if you don’t want this to be a one night stand.
Don’t Wake Him Up: He’s recuperating, not in for the night. When he’s ready to beat that thing up again, he’ll let you know. I know you can’t sleep without your 1200 thread Egyptian sheets, your “special pillow” and Trey Songz CD playing lowly, but you’re not home. Suck it up and wait.
Don’t text: I’m sure Quita and them want to know what happened, but put your phone on silent. Texting tells him that you’re bored and ready to go home.
Never Go To The Bathroom Unless You have Permission: When I was a teenager I had this girl who I would routinely sneak in my Mother’s house. No matter how many times I told her not to, she would get up and use the bathroom, putting us all in danger. My one homie told me a story about a girl not flushing at his apartment… not cool. If you got to go, ask first. There may be a certain way you have to jiggle the handle or he may be low on TP. Don’t embarrass yourself.
Don’t Masturbate: I don’t care if you have your pocket rocket in your purse and he came too quick for you to get off. If he turns to you finishing yourself off he’s going to think you’re some kind of freak… which may be true, but leave something for next weekend.
Bring Gum or mouth wash: A girl can forgive a guy for being tart in the morning or after a few hours of eating the cooch, but women have a standard of excellence to live up to, keep it fresh. He’ll never want to let you stay the night again if you wake up with your breath smelling like you just went ass to mouth with Master Splinter’s furry sewer cock. And DON’T use my toothbrush… I know where your mouth has just been.
Make Sure it’s not around that time of the month: I’ve lost a lot of good sheets to spotty women. If you know that your Aunt Flow is in route, come prepared; don’t expect me to go to 7-11 at four in the morning asking for Super’s for heavy flow.
Have A Condom on deck: I once woke up early in the morning and rolled into the pussy, no condom no nothing. Needless to say being that reckless makes you nervous in-between doctor’s appointments. A guy, who’s half sleep and has easy access to coochie, will not be in his right mind. Have a condom ready to slip on and save everyone the worry.
Don’t touch the TV: If I leave my TV on ESPN. When I wake up it better not be on Oxygen.
Don’t Contact anyone: Don’t touch your phone and don’t touch his computer! You knew you were going back to his place, you knew that it was likely that you were going to give up the pussy. You should have called your mother, roommate, and stalker ex-boyfriend and told them that you were out for the night before you walked into his place.
Don’t get mad if he cums fast: It happens, see it as a triumph not a tragedy. If you suck your teeth or mumble under your breath, that will lead to an argument. No one wants to sleep next to a person who they’re mad at.
Don’t go in the refrigerator: Girls keep candy in the purse, I have never known one not to. Utilize it and stay away from my god damn hot pockets.
Dressers are off limit: you want a shirt to sleep in, then ask him for it. Don’t go opening drawers and be shocked when you find, his 8ball of crack, a gun, or his other bitch’s clothes.
Don’t Fuck The Roommate: I’ve been in situations in college where a girl who was smashing the homie comes out in her night clothes to watch TV or get a drink of water. She’s bored and wants to sit on the couch with you. It shouldn’t be on the roomy to not try and fuck. It’s the girl’s responsibility to keep her ass in that bedroom.
And most importantly…
DON’T STEAL: Even if it’s not criminal in your intent, it’s still creepy. A girl once called me and asked if I was missing my boxers. She took them trying to be cute. I just thought she was fucking crazy.
Remember most guys, even the nice ones, are bitches when it comes to their personal space. And if you’re fucking with a dude that lives with his parents, he’s even more uptight. Most niggas are quick to make you get to stepping, so if you find one that wants you to stay, respect his space and follow those rules or be equipped with cab money for when he asks “So… you got a way home?”