Every man has asked the question “Did You Cum?” don’t lie. And every woman has either lied or just plain old ignored the question. The Female orgasm is harder to figure out than Chinese arithmetic, because every woman is different. You have girls who can cum faster than me when I first lost my virginity. You have girls who’ll go for two hours leave with nothing but a wet crouch. It’s funny, when you’re growing up you ask mad questions about sex. Mostly to your drunk uncle who keeps asking you “you get that pussy yet boy?” no Unc, I’m 7. You ask about positions, oral sex, anything you could think of… But NEVER do you think to ask—how do you make a girl cum?


I didn’t even think about if girls came until I was like 16. You figure, okay I’m a dude, I can bust on Que, don’t they? The problem men have isn’t getting there—it’s getting there too fast. I think I heard some joke about a woman not being able to orgasm and that’s when I started to think, “Damn, is that for real?”.


I had this girl who lived across the street from me growing up and we use to have sex all the time. Years later when I saw here, we were reminiscing and she said something that hurt my feelings. She told me I NEVER MADE HER CUM. I was like—but you loved it. You said I was the best. She responded, “You were, but that doesn’t mean I ever came“. WTF.

Guy: You good.

Girl: Yeah, you beat it up that time.

Guy: that’s what I do. …how many times you cum?

Girl: …i don’t know.

Guy: Wait, did you cum?

Girl: ….no

The thing about girls that’s interesting is that yall can have epic sex, won’t be able to walk, quivering, and laughing—but never reach the promise land. I’ve had sex where she finishes before me, gets off, and falls to sleep. I can’t sit there with a hard dick, I look down at my Spartan and he’s like “Are you going to let that bitch get away with that master?”. Yeah the sex was good while it lasted. But it’s incomplete, and now i’m stuck with lotion and kapri styles. So how can millions (I’m positive it’s millions) of girls go to bed without getting off? How can you roll over and listen to a dude snore in your ear while your cooch sits there leaking like BP oil?

Women are used to inadequate sex. That’s my guess. In a woman’s life time she’ll have a lot of sex. If she’s lucky, she’ll cum a dozen times. So for a girl it must be a case of making the best out of a dead end situation and hoping that every six months or so you get lucky and he’ll give you the big O. If I were a girl, I would be in a fucked up mood all the time! If the last time I came Bill Clinton was in office and the #1 movie in the country was Bridget Jone’s Diary there would be blood. I need to cum at least four to five times a week to function. How the hell do chicks not go crazy? Better yet, how do we fix the problem?Is there something wrong with the Men or is there something with the Women? I think it’s a two sided problem.


Fourplay: Stop going straight to the pussy. You don’t go to Red Lobster and say fuck them biscuits and that drink, give me some Alaskan crab legs. Making a girl cum with your mouth is the last resort. You want to prime her for that “pulsating member” (I learned that word from Adara).


Porn: Don’t eww porn. Porn probably kept your loose Mama and limp dick daddy together for 23 years. The thing about porn is that you’re watching other people fuck. Unless you two are on some other shit, you’re probably not going to experience other couples fucking in front of you. I suggest starting with some story porn before you jump straight into hardcore double penetration. Women tend to find the buildup sexier than just watching a guy shove it in while choking the bitch.


Control the Wetness: You want a thunderstorm, not a hurricane. Being too wet may be fun when you want to do bouncing tricks with no friction, but condoms are truly rain coats, and nobody’s feeling shit if it’s a Katrina day. Take it out, sponge up some of that moisture. I don’t care if you use your mouth or her little mermaid sheets, go back in and do your damage.


Talk Dirty as Hell: I love to talk during sex, I’m not talking generic “take that, who’s is this” bullshit. I will say some of the nastiest shit you’ve ever heard just because I’m nasty and random, a deadly combination. Now mind you, know the girl you’re fucking if you’re going to really talk. Certain girls don’t like being called a bitch, dirty whore, or cum bucket. At the same time telling her you want to see her eat another girl out, usually goes over better than expected, as long as you don’t get too specific (naming several of her homegirls is not a good look). But at the same time be prepared to take it. If she wants to talk about owning your dick, or killing you if you fuck around—go with it. When she starts saying “I want to see you suck Trey Songz dick” it may be time to take a bathroom break—unless she’s right there about to bust— then you have to go with it homie.

For Women I only have one suggestion to get over the hump.

Masturbate: So you give the kitty a little rub every now and then in the shower, okay. Maybe it does nothing for you. Don’t give up. Girls who I know who are active members of the rabbit community, meaning they own, operate, and precipitate on their vibrators—those hoes are good. They can tell you how good you fucked the pussy, kiss you on the cheek, go in the bathroom and finish the job. If you can’t cum, and you don’t really get into the self on self coochie love, then it’s time to open up—literally.


My boy Tec told me a story about how he made this girl masturbate for the first time in front of him. It was funny as fuck because he made it sound like he was a drill instructor standing over her until she came. He told her, “Think of the nastiest things you can imagine, don’t hold back”. He was right.

When you grab that shower head, or maybe use that old fashion pointer and middle finger to get the job done, you have to be a fucking Muppet Baby. Remember the Muppet Babies would use their imagination to do all of that crazy shit while Nanny was in the back serving johns? Well you have to use your mind to put you in a place where you’re the biggest freak in the world. I mean, it’s your head, no one will ever know what you get off to but you, so why not think it. If letting a dog eat you out or getting gang banged by the entire G-Unit while 2pac watches is what gets you tingling. Then go with those fantasies.


The 2nd part is this. When he’s up in it, thinking he’s putting in work. Don’t drift off and start thinking about what you’re going to wear tomorrow (yall know yall minds wonder) go to your Muppet Baby shit break out that fantasy. It may be cheating the cause because it’s not actually the dude that’s bringing you to climax but fuck it. Squirting because you’re thinking about Waka Flocka back shots is better than going to sleep unfulfilled with dried up nut on your stomach. Every woman deserves to have an orgasm, if he isn’t creative or caring enough, then at least discover your go to spots! Don’t let me down!

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