I got a lot of love this week and I really appreciate everyone who’s commented and tweeted me. One email really caught my attention. A 16 year old boy hit me up with a question that blew my mind and I had to share it with everyone. “Dumb question but how do I get a ratchet”. There is no such thing as a dumb question; actually this one in particular was brilliant. Shorty wrote what a lot of grown ass men think but are afraid to say. On Wacka Flocka’s LP one of his Bricksquad goons spits, “Fuck a School Girl, I want a Ratchet”, and that one bar sums up millions of men. Yeah we want the pussy, but we also want a relationship—a non serious relationship. A Ratchet represents those females who don’t take things too seriously; they talk about the same ignorant shit that you and your boys talk about. They drink, they smoke, and they’re not prudish when it comes to sex. Ratchet chicks are Goons with Lacefronts; they’re perfect for the carefree man because they’re overly basic.

You can sit there with your expensive Indian hair, Sak’s fifth wardrobe, college education, and think you’re a catch. NO! You are intimidating. You look fancy and talk intelligently; men can’t be themselves around you, he’s not looking for a wife right now, he’s looking to cut loose. Niggas don’t have time to invest in project Fancy Bitch, they want low maintenance. Call it “being afraid of real women” blah blah blah, but it’s truth to that. Ratchets in their Baby Phat accessories, Apple Bottom skirt, and Chinese Laundry heels may look tacky to other females, but men don’t care where she brought that small ass skirt? Men don’t go to eat pussy then stop because it smells like Forever 21. Designer clothing looks the same as Flea Market clothing when it’s on my floor. $120 a pack hair looks the same as $19.99 hair in the dark. Ratchets are fun in the bedroom and out, that’s a fact! But I warn those who seek out Ratchets to know what they’re in for, it’s a reason why people buy diamonds and not cubic zirconia. If you’re going to go after a Ratchet, you must know how to handle her.

Ratchets Don’t Use Chop Sticks: You’re a man who’s use to taking dimes out on a good date, it’s only natural that you assume that Ratchets too enjoy fine dining. Ratchets are like gremlins, you can’t feed these hoes certain things. I had a homeboy take this Ratchet down to the harbor and feed her Phillips Seafood. He was trying to be romantic; you can’t romance a Ratchet with sparkling water and Market Price. You’re going to be the one feeling dumb when she calls the Waiter “yo” and asks “why the fuck they don’t just put the price, because she don’t know how much it costed at the market”. McDonald’s is your friend, don’t fight that shit, it’s a reason why they have over a billion served.

Ratchets Don’t like Simps: Check your balls, make sure you have two, because Ratchets are hard. If you’re a LoL sweetie pie don’t link up with a Ratchet because like any female, she has the potential to play the fuck out of you. Just because the bitch can’t say “ask” properly doesn’t mean she can’t “Ax” for shit in a way that makes you melt in her hands. Ratchets can separate real from fake quicker than you think and their trick radar is super powerful. She will have her homeboys (Ratchets always have homeboys because other girls just don’t understand their struggle) joyriding in your whip. Just because she’s not well educated doesn’t mean she’s not conniving.

Ratchets Don’t Have An Inside Voice: Have you ever been in a store and a school of Ratchets walk in? They’re yelling, they’re laughing, and they’re openly criticizing why there is no air conditioning. Ratchets are happy to be outside and they have to let everyone know it. I’d rather take a 2 year old to the movies than a Ratchet; at least with the kid you can explain their ignorance. You think a Ratchet is going to sit through The King’s Speech? “Fuck this win a award for? Nigga all stuttering and shit, we should have seen Big Mama’s House; I can’t geek off this shit!” Sure she’ll eventually get into the plot, but she’ll give commentary as if she’s the only one in the theater, “Yo! I knew the King was going to give a bomb ass speech, that’s my nigga!” Loud places, always take her to loud places.

Ratchets Have No Color: People wrongly categorized the Ratchet as “ghetto”. No! Ratchets aren’t always from the ghetto. This isn’t a Black and Hispanic epidemic. There are White Ratchets currently fucking for Jessica Simpson Handbags. Go to Wal-Mart, not the nigga-mart, the one a few miles further out—it’s Ratchet central. Look at Teen Mom, MTV is making so much money off of White Girl Ratchetness. You can’t tell me Janelle is not the Anakin Skywalker of Ratch. Fuck the local chick who goes to the club pregnant and tells everyone it’s cool for her to drink because she’s getting an abortion next weekend, Janelle is a cultural icon and thus the most powerful Ratchet in the galaxy. There are Asian Ratchets over in Japan who could care less about the Tsunami; they’re trying to drink sake and see how low your katana blade swings. She brings dishonor to her family, but she has fun doing it. Ratchets are universal; don’t be fooled by complexion or upbringing.

Ratchets Aren’t Easy: Little man who emailed me wanted some ass with attitude, something he could bang out over the summer; he’s confused the Ratchet with the smuts. Ratchets aren’t hoes. They may do hoeish things, but just because she’s in the club with blonde micro braids and no panties under that denim skirt doesn’t mean she’s going to be easy prey. The title of “longest it took to sleep with” doesn’t belong to the classiest chick I’ve been with, or the most educated, or even the oldest, it was a Ratchet. I put up with all of her ratchet ways, and it was only when I gave up that I got this call, “You sleep? You feel like coming to get me, I’m at this house party and its boring”. She was bored so she decided to fuck me, she straight objectified me! I had another girl over and I quickly gave her an excuse as to why I had to take her home because she was a corny broad and that girl waiting was Ratchet and if you’ve been with a Ratchet you know…

Ratchets Fuck Like Champs: Girls like Goons because Goons tend to be aggressive, they know there will be no foot rubs and sensual kissing of the belly button, you’re getting dicked down. Even good girls like to be pounded out to the point where their legs shake for an hour afterwards. Ratchets are the same way. They fuck, they don’t make love. They don’t have time for the bullshit, four play is opening the Four Loko, 69 is not optional, and your dick better stay hard because she won’t roll over and accept that your penis failed to put her to sleep.

Ratchets Love Rap: You ever pull up next to a Ratchet? You would think she would be bumping Trey Songz or Chris Brown. While those dudes have a special place in their heart, Ratchets love vulgarity. I was in a club and I heard a chorus of Ratchets singing along to She ride dick so good, She ride dick so good. Never seen a bitch ride dick dis good, she a bad lil bitch dat I met in my hood Those lyrics don’t demean Ratchets, they fuel them. Ratchets have 2pac confidence, they think they have a penis and men are their bitches, so rap music speaks to their soul. Ratchets don’t like Drake because he’s not hard. They want niggas with dreads who make gun sounds. If you’re planning on keeping your Ratchet happy make sure you own every Boosie Bad Ass mixtape.

Ratchets Are Loyal: I use to keep a few of my old Ratchets in the phone because you never know when you may need help. A girl gets out of hand, you can’t hit her, so you call your Ratchet. You can’t get your dainty girlfriend or your jumpoff who never wears sneakers to handle your beef; they aren’t built for fighting in the middle of the street. A hood nigga without a revenge Ratchet is like the X-Men without Wolverine– weak. My boy once had this Ratchet walk up in the gas station and slide the hell out of this girl who he thought keyed his car. That Ratchet had nothing to gain; she was looking out for her homeboy. You don’t just cut a Ratchet off once you realize you can’t handle her ways, you have to distance yourself slowly, the last thing you want is beef with the local Ratchet union.

Ratchets Need Love Too: Just because she’s a little rough around the edges doesn’t mean she can’t make you happy. You may be the type of guy who needs a less refined woman, let people make fun of your Ratchet, she’ll probably make you happier than these pretentious girls who walk around with a stick in their ass and pretend to be high class. Men may think its all fun and games messing around with a girl they initially view as substandard but end up falling in love with her uncouth personality. Ratchets don’t know they’re Ratchet; they are simply living life the best way they know how, rocking the clothes they think look hot, gluing in the weave they think looks glamorous, and eating the food they like to. Rhinestone nails with tacky designs and outdated cell phones don’t make her less of a woman; she’s doing what she wants the only way she knows how. I respect the Ratchet because she keeps it real.

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