This week I watched the most pathetic episode of Catfish I’ve ever set through. I like the show and it’s always good for a laugh, but this episode went beyond the usual Jerry Springer melodrama. Featuring the odd couple of Dorion and Raffinee (don’t ask), this episode showed perfectly how the disease of low self-esteem can easily turn a woman into a bottom bitch. To sum it up, this guy Dorion was talking to some Angelina Jolie looking chick online for two years. During that time, he had setbacks and became homeless. Enter Raffinee and her family to take him in, a relationship sparked and he put the online girl to the side. Once the Catfish producers offered him his best chance (and a free plane ticket) to see the girl he really wanted, this niggas was like, “Rafeeke who?” and went down to Texas hoping he really bagged some Latina with epic DSLs. You know the drill; online girl is not really that girl, blah blah blah. The real story is that Raffinee allowed her boyfriend to go chase online ass with her blessing! In the end he ran back to the chick whose roof he’s living under (I mean c’mon where else was he going to go) and of course she took him back, heart full of hurt, but afraid to say in her best Ciara voice, “He gon regret the day he left me (oooo yayayay).” This was pumped up for TV, but every day men neglect what they have, sometimes just as blatantly, and go off to find something more appealing. Just like Dorion, when things don’t work out, guys run right back to the women they didn’t think were good enough and those thirsty women take them back, happy to be Plan B.
We all know that lack of appreciation leads to resentment but over appreciating someone can be just as stressful. When it comes to women, I’ve seen how those who aren’t used to the amenities that come with being treated like a top shelf chick get open off the most basic courting. This leads to them catching feelings way too fast, being exploited, or hanging on to a man based simply off the fact that he “cared” more than most men. Actually taking you out, being open about his feelings, calling more than texting, there are girls out here who see those things as mind blowing. In reality, none of that behavior is amazing or proof that it’s okay to drop your guard; it’s simply a good start. Too many females are used to being treated with low value or none at all, so they turn remedial actions into extraordinary feats, transforming lame niggas into prince charming in the process. In the end, the majority of men benefit from being over appreciated because the girl he’s putting in light work with will overcompensate and reward him with her unconditional love and affection. Emails I get often point to, “I’m in love because he’s so different” then go on to describe the incredible things he does… which usually turns out to be the same basic shit I did for girls when I was 18. Bum dudes stay knee deep in loyal pussy because they’re the first to treat a girl with $5 self-esteem as if she’s worth $20. Once a nigga does that in a non-simp or pushover way, he has her heart damn near for life.
Men on the other hand usually have the opposite problem, they don’t over appreciate, they under appreciate, taking for granted that the devotion of a woman isn’t automatic. These are the type of guys who end up arguing every month with their girl because she constantly feels a need to point out all the things that she does for him without thanks. It’ an endless debate because men who have been around the game think, “what this bitch won’t do the next one will do—fact!” Ladies, you need to look at it from the male perspective for a second. Men raised by women who spoiled them tend to expect a woman to bow down and mommy them, so they rarely appreciate female kindness or sacrifice. In real life, Just Gave Him My Virginity Janet gets the same gratitude as Jumpoff Janet because an attractive dude appreciates sex the same way people who close their blinds in the morning appreciate the sun rising every day: It’s nice when it happens but it doesn’t register as special because it’s expected.
Why Doesn’t He Appreciate You?
A question I get a lot is, “Why don’t men appreciate what they have until it’s over and done with?” The simple answer is that most don’t take inventory of the good during the relationship; we just take note of what you aren’t. A lot of females toot their own horn about things that 80% of girls do also. They talk about how tight their coochie is, how they have no kids, and work full time. Niggas don’t give a fuck. You’re a year out of college your vagina should come with walls, you shouldn’t have the same amount of kids as your ratchet teenage niece, and with all the degrees you paid for, why wouldn’t you be employed? Your good woman traits are like a Mario Bros/Duck Hunt cartridge, that shit is supposed to come with the entertainment system, it’s not really a bonus guys jump for joy over. The real conflict comes when a man isn’t content with a woman who is simply cool and fun to be around, instead he wants the Rap video package that other niggas brag about– exotic looks/donk booties/turn bi-sexual on his birthday. So when your boyfriend starts to act distant, creep, or break up, he’s not thinking about how great you are and all the incredible things you bring to the relationship, he’s looking at what the next nigga wifed while thinking about what you don’t have and what you don’t do.
“But I held him down! I was there for him when he didn’t have. I put up with so much, and rearranged my life to be with him! And now he’s talking about he needs space?”
Not to sound insensitive but you created that monster by putting more into the relationship than you were getting. Relationships are supposed to be 50/50, yet you let him slide with 80/20. This creates a mentality of privilege where men forget that no woman has to treat them like a king, spoil them like mommy, and make them cum at the expense of her own orgasm. After enough time in a lopsided relationship, a man sees being catered to as a mandatory expectation, not an earned experience. Eventually a man like that will get cocky and set out to find a woman that looks better than you look, has more than you have, or talks a slicker game than you do. Dude thinks that the next girl will do the same catering shit that you do on top of the other upgrades she brings to the table, but he doesn’t understand that some women are man-eaters, hoes, or Spartans and they don’t play that default submissive shit. A man who’s used to being treated like he’s a star off GP, will have to impress the new girl in a way that he’s not used to. After experiencing this it won’t be long until he labels those girls “stuck up” or “high maintenance” and runs back to the simple girl he was too good for.
How many ladies reading this have had a man crawl back to them after a few months or even a year, full of apologies and crocodile tears? Not to check your ego, but most of those men don’t come back out of love, they run back because they aren’t good enough to impress a woman who knows her value or aren’t up to putting in the level of work it takes to win that woman over. In defeat these guys are humbled, look back on the relationship they threw away, and find a new appreciation for it. Brenda who cooked him lunch and dropped it off at his apartment every morning even though it made her late for work may have been built like Sponge Bob, but she really was the best he could do and he fucked it up. An egotistical man usually has to realize the hard way that he’s not His Royal Highness Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge; he’s just Minimum Wage Wayne who was blessed to find a woman who put up with his shortcomings. Note to every woman: You don’t have to convince somebody that you matter. Stop using the argument of “the next man will…” if you mean it, prove it by finding the next man who will instead of crying over the guy who continues to take you for granted. No matter how much love you have for dude, question why he wants to come back before you let him back in, and have enough self-respect not to be some mediocre nigga’s safety net.
For the rest of this I want to talk to the men because they need to understand what appreciation means. So if you know some immature drifters, send them this link under the disguise of naked Meagan Good pictures. Now fellas, some of you are not smart enough to realize when the jackpot hits 777 it means you win and that you don’t have to keep walking around the casino trying to keep up with the next nigga. It’s time to man up and break the habit of greed and learn the difference between the type of girl you pass on versus the type of woman you cash out with.
Know What You Want
Have a purpose in your romantic life. You are no longer a little boy, it’s not enough just to want to fuck girls that turn you on, think differently and look deeper. Make a mental image of the type of woman you want, not a physical fantasy image of skin complexion, hair texture, or body parts but a mental image of the personality that would complement you. If you can’t close your eyes and do this in under ten minutes, either you haven’t been around that many women or you haven’t gotten to know that many women on a purely conversational level. In my life, I started to realize that I would go after girls whose faces I liked without caring about what came out their mouth. This resulted in me having a bunch of headaches that looked good but acted ugly. So I said fuck it, it’s not just enough to be eye candy, a personality that I meshed well with was just as important. I didn’t know exactly what kind of girl I wanted but I had a clear idea of what type I didn’t. So I controlled my dick like a true Jedi, passed up girls who gave me that annoying vibe, and waited for the ones who had the total package. That may seem picky, but so what. Time is not your enemy; it’s on your side and if you have patience, you’ll find exactly what you want without having to compromise or settle. You can still have casual relationships with Basica BussItOpen while you look for those that line up with your mental shopping list, but trust me, once you know exactly what you need, most of those girls won’t even impress you enough to take their phone numbers. The result will be that each girl you date after coming up with that image will have a purpose. The first girl you meet who has those qualifications may not be the one, but dating her will help you become even clearer on what exactly works for you relationship wise and what doesn’t. By the time you connect with a woman that possesses the majority of those must haves, you will appreciate her that much more because it took real effort to weed out all of those placeholders in order to get to her.
Don’t Get Played
You hear these little sayings like, “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Men want a submissive woman. Be a lady in the street but a freak in the sheets” Those are relationship baits that have been passed down since the age of Medieval Basica. In the same manner women give an “okay” looking guy their number because their phone is dry, men fall for girls they would be ashamed to tag on Facebook because she baits him with free food, pussy, and the promise that she’s down to keep it casual. Of course it’s a lie, everything in life costs, and guys who don’t see through that get relationship hustled. This hustle is usually so subtle that a man doesn’t even realize what’s going on until he’s sharing an apartment with a chick he barely likes and being pressured for a ring. Sugar Mama’s aren’t just girls who pay phone bills or buy Jordan’s for niggas. They’re also the women who offer home cooked meals for niggas who flat out refuse to take them out, give porno blow jobs to niggas who they’ve known for a week, and generally bend over backwards to spoil niggas who wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire. Smart woman see these Sugar Mama’s and think, “That man’s not even your official boyfriend and you’re fucking/sucking/and catering to him like you’re engaged!?!” Desperate times call for desperate measures, and although you don’t see her as relationship material, you go with the flow, thinking you will just get the perks until you find your dream girl. Don’t take the bait, son! Freaky sex, food, and the words “I’m cool with being just friends” are more addictive than heroin. Fellas, think back to all the homies you had that ended up attached to someone they talked shit about? She was just something to do at first, then he took the bait, and now she’s the baby mama, crazy girlfriend, or bottom bitch who oversteps her boundaries. The same way I tell women that they can’t play the victim when men do them dirty, I’m telling every man out here that you only have yourself to blame when you end up cuffed to a woman that doesn’t excite you. Relationships go through changes, but to jump into one based off the fact that she held you down, is a recipe for unhappiness.
You may think, “What’s that have to do with appreciating her?” When you get sucked into a Sugar Mama relationship, you get lazy and used to that treatment. Sure, you two still argue like a normal couple but for the most part, you have a woman who will put up with your attitude and flaws beyond what a woman with options would put up with. You have more power in your relationship than the average man because you’re cuffed to a woman who doesn’t want to lose you and will lower herself to any level to keep you around (aka she loves being Raffinee’d). No matter how much a woman showers you with love, you can only fake happiness for so long, and you will stray because she’s not who you really want. Once you finally break away from shorty, you won’t be prepared for the real world. The boss chicks who look like the image you want to bone don’t play that relationship bait bullshit. These new women expect to be taken out on dates, expect to be called every day, and expect to be actively courted. My nigga, you spent six months with a girl who did everything for you, never asked to be taken out, and gave you sex even when she didn’t feel like it. A few months of dating a progressive woman, is a shock to the system. Just like the lazy nigga who runs back home because college is harder than high school, you’ll retreat. Instead of manning up and adapting to these new age Spartans, you inbox or text your bottom bitch and drop hints that you miss her and want to work it out. You now appreciate how good she treated you because you were institutionalized by submissive pussy. She Shawshanked your mind and you’re ready to climb back into that cell you used to complain about. When that happens you both lose, she knows she got you back for the wrong reasons and deep down you know you ran back for the wrong reasons. Look, thousands of men go back to their old chicks and make it work just fine, but the ones I’ve met personally still aren’t happy because they feel they settled for less. Man or woman, no one should settle for convenience! Again know what you want, ignore ego stroking, sex bait, girls who want to mommy you, and only deal with the women who have the qualities you’ve spelled out as compatible. Stop blowing in the wind like a fucking loser. Know what you want, get what you want, and you’ll be immune to settling!
Your Upgrade is A DOWNGRADE!
The flip side of this coin is that some men may not know what they want, but still stumble into the arms of the perfect woman for them. She’s not a bottom bitch or a Sugar Mama, just a good woman who treats her man the way she thinks he deserves to be treated. This is the jackpot I’m talking about that men blind themselves to all the time. A man who keeps looking out the window for something he has sitting on the couch is a fool. He never took the time to figure out what he wants, so once he gets it, he can’t recognize it. To him all he sees is his girl’s faults; she’s not freaky like Draya… not foreign like Iggy… not a submissive slave like his homeboy’s main chick. Dude, she may not speak with an accent, fry chicken, or eat her bff’s box when drunk, but she does things that are way more crucial to building a future. She’s pretty, has her own money, has a career, knows how to communicate, pretends that she likes your football team, and doesn’t run through your phone every time you put it down like a jealous ass ratchet. Recognize that shit, and appreciate instead of pointing with envy to what some other girl is doing with another man. The majority of the emails I get from dudes are summed up with “how can I get a dime” or “I fucked up, how do I get her back,” some guys are actively seeking what other niggas take for granted. Before you throw everything you have out the window, and have to go crawling back in a few months begging for another chance, take into account the endless amount of Fool’s Gold out here. There are countless women who look good enough to eat on the spot, and some of them will give you the flirty eyes, but if you go down that new pussy Rabbit Hole every time a bad chick smiles at you, where’s the finish line? You are hunting an image, not the person behind that image, and most dudes find out the hard way that these other women won’t bring the same positive things to the table that the last girl did.
My boy told me about his pursuit of a girl he first saw on Instagram, and although he may not have learned a lesson, I found wisdom from his story. Shorty was bad as fuck but I asked how he was going to manage that when he stayed with his chick. He brushed it off and acted as if I was joking. The next time I talked to him, I brought up Instagram girl, he was pissed and said he kicked it with her but she was dumb as a brick and was saying a lot of hoe shit. I assume his definition of hoe shit was asking for both pepperoni AND mushrooms on her pizza. Nothing happened sexually, but the point is that he still took that risk based solely off how good she looked through his phone screen and how he could get brownie points from the homies for bagging it. This nigga was ready to throw away a girl who he admitted in confidence was the best thing to happen to him, for a chick whose only positives is that she took good bathroom pictures and knew how to write #Nofilter. If you’re not happy and need something better, it’s your right to live your life and go for that, however get your mind right and know what you want first. We love to look at pretty women, no matter how pretty the woman we have at home is. However, as a grown ass man, you have to be mature enough to think with your brain before you allow your dick to ruin your life. All that glitter’s isn’t gold and not every woman will put up with your bullshit with love and understanding. If a woman can see the greatness in you, why can’t you suspend your chase for hoes and appreciate her the same way? She may not have all the qualities of Beyoncé, but if she possesses a personality that compliments yours and an attitude that inspires you, please realize how truly rare that woman is. You can look at George Clooney’s life and think, “I need to be doing it like that dude.” The pussy keeps flowing but Clooney would probably trade in all the bimbos he’s ran through for a woman he could connect with on the level you and your girl connect on. Appreciate.
Run Back or Stay Away?
So let’s say you had a good woman in your life, broke up, and haven’t found success since. Should you hit old girl up or should you keep looking? While it’s good that you now appreciate what she did for you, don’t run back for the wrong reasons. Let’s keep it real; girls do have a hard time letting go. You’ll probably have several opportunities to get back with her, maybe it’s the random text she sends, “just remembered your birthday is coming up, hope you have fun…” or it may be that she pops up at a party that she knew you were going to be at, dressed in her DickmeDOWN dress. My nigga, you know that’s comeback bait! Don’t return because it’s something to do or because you haven’t had any luck with other women. Work it out only if you realize the love you have for the woman is based on her character not her catering. If you circle back still looking at her as subpar, then you’ll eventually run off again. The sad thing is this scenario will repeat itself like Groundhog Day because there are so many women who aren’t strong enough stop taking you back. I repeat for the final time: Know. What. The. Fuck. You. Want. Indecisive niggas birth bottom bitches like a Gremlin doused with water. Don’t waste the best years of your life with a placeholder girl whose only benefits are letting you hit with no condom and washing your clothes. Behind every powerful man is an equally powerful woman so find a partner who can better you, not baby you.