Should you date down for love? Is there such a thing as “Broken Pussy”? Are you leading yourself on in a relationship that’s going nowhere? Today I’m going to give you something different. I usually tackle one big topic, but I’m going to do a Q&A style entry on some recently popular questions I’ve been asked. Usually when someone emails me they give me details because every situation comes with its own unique twists and exceptions, but I’ve taken some question I’ve received, reworded them, and stripped them down so they are more general (and don’t tell people’s business) with hopes it will help some of you who are currently going through these same struggles…
Q: What’s wrong with dating a man that makes less than me? Money can come and go, but having someone that really loves you is forever.
There’s nothing wrong with dating a man that makes less than you if his backstory and character is that of someone who is trying to better his life. Men who aren’t users don’t give a fuck about what a woman earns so why should it be a double standard where women need to put “makes more money than me” at the top of the list? This is where the peer pressure and fronting for social media comes into play. No one walks around with their net worth on their forehead, having a Benz doesn’t mean you have money, wearing Gucci doesn’t mean you’re balling, that’s basic shit. When actually dating you judge a person on their personality, if they are working a reputable job or in school aiming for a career, and how they treat you. Yet, when real life topics hit the internet, it becomes as simple as “If he’s broke don’t fuck with him, girl” as if the average 19-24-year-old isn’t broke as fuck. To give this context, let me recap where this debate started. On twitter, a woman posted excerpts from a book that claimed that black women tend to be highly educated and high wage earners, yet when looking for mates they often stay within their race when dating, choosing instead to bring a black man that isn’t as educated or a high earner up to her level via taking care of him or supporting his hustle rather than dating men that are economic equals and don’t need a sugar mama or to be held down. I don’t know if those sources are true, but I’ve come across many black women that prefer to date within their race for a number of reasons, including cultural commonality, shared experiences, and even attraction level. This book also claimed that black men have no problem going outside of their race when they reach the upper echelon. This woman was trying to use those excerpts to say: Black women date down while black men have no such loyalty. This is a great topic if we’re talking about not selling yourself short and not dating just within your comfort level. Many groups, not just black women, stick to their own, but let’s be real, it limits your dating pool like a motherfucker, but to each its own… What was lost in the translation as her tweet went viral was if she was trying to call black women stupid for continue to date Demarcus the mixtape rapper/security guard/personal trainer instead of upgrading to Billy the white stockbroker or at least a brother with real wealth.
Broke chicks, internet millionaires, simp ass dudes, and the like all chimed in with their take. There were two primary opinions: A) I would never date down, I need someone on my level or above for my pussy to get wet. B) Money doesn’t matter when you love someone.
Let’s keep it 100. When you don’t have shit, it’s easy to philosophize about money. The reality is that when you’re making 30k a year the concept of dating down should be the least of your worries, you’re in the struggle too, so to quote Kendrick – Bitch, be humble! Discussions like this and $200 dates are escapism topics for the bored and restless. It’s like little kids pointing at traffic with an impassioned, “that’s my car!” Shit is a fantasy. To say you would never date down IF you had money, makes your opinion null and void. That’s like writing about what laws I would pass IF I were president, who cares, I’m not! How the fuck do you work part-time at a Call Center and then jump in on a debate on what kind of guys you wouldn’t fuck when your dating pool is most likely made up of the unemployed guys that swipe you on Tinder and the underemployed dudes that pull you at Walmart? The point being, when young and impressionable women go online and see the backlash of “never date down” they take that shit and run with it in real life without understanding that it’s not that cut and dry. Dating down means don’t date someone that isn’t ascending to where you’re ascending, but when you’re both on the same level, it’s not dating down, it’s dating equally! If you’re 23 years old, the dating pool you’re in isn’t going to be made up of ballers. You’re going to be dating people that are in your same tax bracket with the exception of a few older or established men. When you’re closer to your late 20s and above or are earning a high wage, then you can cross that bridge, but to hold men your age to internet standards shoots yourself in the foot and creates a snobbish attitude based on shallow influences. Your real-life standards should always be high no matter who you are or where you work, but dating is a journey where you must understand where you are in life and what you need to see from someone that wants to take you off the market. A broke ass 22-year-old and a 29-year-old making 150k a year should be looking for different credentials for whom deserves a date, but topics like this set those 22-year-olds up for failure with materialistic pressure. Thus they raise the bar based on things that are important to strangers, as opposed to self. To dismiss a man that’s your same age and building in order to chase some older established man that doesn’t even like you only because he has money can easily cause you to miss out on that young and advancing man who in three years will have even more than that 30-year-old… That’s the complexity that gets lost when you make money issues as black and white as—he’s young and broke, don’t talk to him. No, he’s young and rising – difference! Only threw dating without judgement do you learn to separate one from the other.
I’ve noticed that women in their 20s try to rush life with these asinine opinions about things they aren’t even savvy too yet. You are too young to be moving in with a guy, so why the fuck are you arguing about splitting the imaginary rent? You don’t even have a boyfriend, let alone your own place, so what does bringing that topic up do for you but start a fight with a guy that’s going to be defensive because he isn’t in position (just like you) to pay a full rent payment? Rent splitting, expensive dates, bae’cations, you don’t live that life, you merely talk that life. It kills me when little girls chirp about this kind of shit knowing that they’re single or with a guy who doesn’t do any of the shit they claim to need. You couldn’t even get your nails paid for by the last dude that fucked you, but you’re stirring the pot about standards you wish you had. Focus on getting a man that does more than text “WYD” incessantly and focus on your own professional goals instead of getting in theoretical discussions about how much money it takes to be your man. I tell women to know their value and get their worth, the problem is using words like “value” makes the ignorant ones feel I’m pointing towards the materialistic side of life. No Basica, value doesn’t mean how much your pussy costs to hit! Treatment, respect, time, consistency, that’s how someone shows you how much they value you. When you’re 35 yeah, he better have a pot to piss in and be doing more than he was at 25, but when you’re 21 the proof is what he can do with the little he has to show you his appreciation. If you’re using Ho Tactics, sure you can come up on big money because old men love to trick on young pussy, but when the aim is true love, not a come up, you should be understanding of where the men around your age will be in life. It’s not dating down if he treats you like you’re priceless!
Q: I’m in my early 30s and it’s not that I don’t want a man on an equal or greater level than me, but where I live the options for established men are very limited. Can it be called settling when you have no choice?
You’re full of shit. If you’re able to make a great living where you live, then other people can achieve the same success. Go state by state, South Dakota to South Carolina, a woman that’s found her calling and is making a substantial income has a male counterpart. Fact. Given that pay is unequal as fuck in America, there will be way more men on your level and above no matter where you live. It goes back to dating pools. Young women making their way up date men in that same boat, but I know for a fact by all the emails I get that one of the biggest problems is that older women stick to what they know to a fault even after they outgrow the clubs, the house parties, and local hot spot college aged people frequent. The higher you climb in life, the more refined your taste should become in terms of the places you go and the people you associate with. Your dating pool should rise with your tax bracket, not because you’re shallow, but because you’re networking with more professional people. For example, I have a homeboy that lives in Newark and feasts on women to the point where he’s currently fucking a young girl that work at Kinkos and a woman that makes triple what he earns and he never had to leave his hood to go into the city. I always laugh when women soap box about broke men, but 9 out of 10 reading this right now has fucked a broke man. Some of you don’t even know what it’s like to date a guy that has real money, not because you couldn’t but because you settle for what’s in front of you, with your lazy ass. Be honest, the standards in your head are different from your standards when you get holla’d at on a Saturday night.
Think about that woman who out earns my friend and her options. Instead of going to Manhattan where she works to drink and flirt, she goes to the bar down the street from where my boy lives in Newark because that’s where her family is from, not where she lives, but where she’s comfortable. My boy shouldn’t have a shot to put her on his roster as a 36-year-old man with not much to his name that’s still fucking 19-year-old’s and working a job he hates. Even though he’s a cool guy, he’s not doing what he needs to be doing in life or working towards his goals. In short, my homey would fail the Spartan vetting test, regardless of his look or charisma. However, in the real world he’s knee deep in pussy because women use the excuse of “there’s no men that have what I have, so I’m forced to date and fuck this group.” Lies on top of lies! No one forces anyone to date anyone they don’t want to, you fear that if you hold out for what you want, you will end up alone because you aren’t good enough to actually attract and keep the one you want. It’s also this self-deception that you don’t like those Fix-A-Dick Types. Some of you will never admit that it has nothing to do with options, it has everything to do with preference. If you like taking care of a man, if you like feeling needed and valuable, then admit that. I had one girl tell me that men are intimidated by her money, so I pressed her for an example. All she could give me was ONE date where a guy made a smart remark about, “oh I guess you’ll want to pick up the check.” That was the only time, yet she made that one anecdote be an entire excuse as to why she steers clear of middle-high class men. The same way I called bullshit on her reasons, I’m calling bullshit on you. If you want hood dick, say you want hood dick. If you get turned on by being Mama to a man that is in need, say that. Just don’t go out in the world with limited proof of why you date down trying to make your choice seem like a necessity.
My advice is always Get The Fuck Out Of Your Comfort Zone. That doesn’t just apply to choosing fundraisers over happy hours or walks in the park over walks through the mall, it also applies to networking with people that are already around you. You think your co-workers are corny or you’re private and they don’t come from the places you come from, so you don’t associate with them outside of work. Mistake. You never know who can put you up on something different. You feel uncomfortable in fancy places, you like chicken wings and Future playing in the background at the bar. Cool, but it wouldn’t hurt you to go to a different side of town every few weeks. Once you have money, where you can go and the doors that open for you are endless. The problem is a lot of you don’t want to go alone, you don’t feel like you belong, so you run back to the world that makes you feel safe. Safe didn’t get you through school, safe didn’t get you hired, putting in work did. You must put in work socially in order to meet new people that can easily be your gateway to someone new you connect with, who has the same hustle and drive as you. You’re a woman, you will attract men wherever you go, but you must have the confidence to say, “fuck it” and try something against type. You shouldn’t go shopping for a husband in the same place ratchet hoes are shopping for dick, but you do because you’re lazy and uncreative. There will always be a man at the bar that’s relatable, that tells the same hood ass jokes, has that same hood ass swagger, and will tell you how different you are from the rest of the women he meets. But in the end, after he fucks you and keeps it moving, or uses you for money and falls back, you can’t cry out like the victim. This is a big world filled with cities connected by roads, if you chose to stay in the same place and deal with the type of men that always fuck you over rather than finding one that brings the same thing you bring to the table, that’s your choice. It’s not about money, it’s about quality of life. As a grown ass woman you can’t afford to deal with those bum ass men that aren’t doing shit but waiting for you to get off work so you can fuck them.
Q: I have been dating a man for the past two months, we finally had sex, now his communication has slowed down. He does text but it feels like he’s just keeping up appearances, he hasn’t asked to see me again and I’m not sure if it would be playing myself to initiate a date. Was it the sex?
Pussy is everywhere—chemistry isn’t. Therefore, it wasn’t the vagina, it was the woman connected to the vagina that he decided wasn’t worth the effort anymore. Before you get depressed or angry thinking I’m placing the blame on the woman over the man, let’s break it down so none of this is misinterpreted. A man that chases you doesn’t actually want you, he wants the idea of you in the shallowest way possible. His lust doesn’t take into account three things: 1) If he wants/is ready for something serious. 2) Who you are as a person. 3) If you two are compatible on a deeper level. Ladies, one thing to remember is that a man’s dick getting hard for you or his mouth wanting to snack on you isn’t proof of anything but a basic sexual attraction. You should hear the shit that goes through my mind every time I see Tinashe, but it’s just me being a man. I don’t know that woman enough to actually want her and these guys you start talking to that give chase don’t know you well enough initially to actually want you. The same way you’re judging him to see if he’s different from your exes, he’s judging you to see if you’re not only different from the last chick he ran through but if his interests in you holds up through the ups and downs of the honeymoon stage of the pre-relationship.
2-3 months of dating is light, especially if sex hasn’t been introduced yet. It’s all false highs and lust fueled emotions. No matter how deep the conversations, how much you have in common, or the places a man takes you, it won’t be until AFTER he either fucks you or gets to know you more that that lust gives way to the question EVERY MAN asks himself in the privacy of his own mind, “could I actually be with her?” In this case of a guy falling back after a few months, the answer is obvious. If a guy goes from being up your ass for weeks to barely responding to your text, then he made up his mind that you’re not what he’s looking for or ready for. That shit hurts because the rejection seems to be on a physical and emotional level. He knows your sense of humor—still doesn’t want you. He heard your life story and life goals—still doesn’t want you. He fucked you like he loved you and made your toes curl—still doesn’t want you. Now you’re stuck with these raging emotions that you weren’t good enough to keep someone and you’ll do anything to make that pain and confusion go away. When Insecure did that “Broken Pussy” rap, I received so many emails about “is it my pussy?” because she put it in the atmosphere that no matter how dope of a woman you are, your pussy can be sooooo trash that no man wants to commit to you. Of course, that was just a TV scenario meant to spark conversation, not how real life works. Your pussy has about as much chance of locking down a man as a Pepsi has of stopping police brutality. Your vagina may be amazing, but it’s not magical. Guys get bomb pussy that they don’t think twice about the next day, it’s never as important as internet idiots try to make it out to be. The same way that you’re looking for more out of a man than his dick size and stroke, a man is looking for more than a tight wet hole that makes him cum. Busting nuts grows on trees, but a man caught up in the grip of lust will act in this temporarily insane way that makes you believe that he’s after more than sex until his mind catches up with his dick. Everyone will make the mistake of having sex with someone that didn’t want them, it’s not the end of the world, it’s a lesson to be learned about reading men, their want for sex, and understanding if their agenda is lust based or love based early on.
Q: My friend says that you can’t be too nasty the first time you have sex with a man or else he may judge you as a hoe. I’m dominate in the bedroom, as it is the only way I can cum consistently, but should I submit and play the role of the shy girl and then ease him into my sexual wants?
Stop giving a fuck about a man’s opinion of who you are! No matter if I’m talking about dating multiple men, asking for money, or how fast you have sex, I hear the rebuttal of “but he’ll think I’m this…” or “but when women do things like that men call us blah blah blah…” Are you living for yourself or for the squeaky-clean image of how men will perceive you? Is your life tied to the judgment of these peasant ass men that call women misogynistic things based on their own insecurities or are you a Queen that has her head held too high to give a fuck about what they’re saying about you? No matter what you do in the bedroom, a man could have something to say, it’s not something you can control by playing possum. You can lay there like a corpse, lightly moan, and make him cum in two minutes, and he could still go back to the homies and say you’re a smut. You could flip him around eat his ass, then ride his dick until you cream on it, and he could tell his mother that you’re a nice Christian woman with marriage potential. You can’t limit yourself for the sake of outside appearances because that’s being fake as fuck. Why do we have sex in the first place? To have fun and cum. Are you really going to spend all that time flirting and dating and teasing, only to turtle up in silence, get a nut bust on you, and come away with the highlight of the night being that at least the post-sex rag was warm? Fuck No! The right to enter your vagina is a gift, it’s not something you let every man do, so the least you can do is satisfy your kitty by unleashing your true desires every time you bust it open.
Leading Yourself On
Q: I’m in a situationship with a man that has a longtime girlfriend. Initially, I thought he was single and during this courting stage he treated me better than any man I’ve dated. I suspected something was up as we would have early evening dates and only talk during specific times of the day. I finally confronted him and he was honest about his girlfriend, but dropped the bombshell that he didn’t want to lose me. His behavior isn’t that of a user, we don’t have sex all the time, and he says he is trying to get from under her, but it’s complicated. Do you think there is any hope for me having an actual relationship or is this the dick tactic of a man that just wants two women?
This is the most common mindfuck situation that I’m contacted about, as these days there are more guys with two or more girlfriends than you would think. Anytime you hear a girl crying, “He had a whole girlfriend, yet he’s trying to get at me,” she’s most likely already fallen for that guy she’s complaining about. I’ve already written about how to remove a woman from a man’s life and claim him, but this isn’t a case of a Spartan kicking another bitch in the chest and usurping power. This is a case of a savvy man toying with a naïve girl by leading her to believe he wants her more than his woman or will leave his woman. In this situationship the man is in power—which means you’ve already fucked up. Let me shed some light on why men play it this way because I just visited my buddy in Baltimore that was doing this dick tactic for over a year. When a man meets a woman that has the potential to be a side, but whom he knows will reject the idea, he baits her with treatment. The reason men with girlfriends’ date better than single men is because they are overcompensating. These women are caught off guard because it is a different level of courting by a man that knows how to treat a woman. Rightfully a girl will think, “something must be wrong if this type of man is still single.” Ya think??? Good looking, doing well for himself, knows how to please a woman, and isn’t pushing for sex early and often? Of course, a woman has already scooped him up because he knows how to act. By the time a woman realizes that something isn’t adding up and has the courage to call him out, a man will often admit to having another girl, knowing that this new girl is now sprung. It’s an easy hustle to pull off, because like this woman’s situationship, there are more women that will continue with the affair than those that will walk away. Despite all the shit girls talk about, “I’d never do that, it’s bad karma,” when push comes to shove a woman’s true character will be revealed. When you’re faced with this type of choice in real life, the last thing on your mind will be karma, it’s your ego that’s being serviced with the idea that you’re so bomb that a man will leave what he has for you. Female versus female, that’s one of the corner stones in manipulating competitive women. That need to feel as if they have something other women don’t makes them feel special. In reality, this man is just saying what he has to say to seal the deal.
I’ve heard so many excuses, from they live together and he can’t break the lease, they own a business together and it would ruin him financially, and of course “I stay for my kids.” It’s all a load of shit. That man knows that to create a good and loyal side chick you must psychologically build her up like she’s a main chick with main chick benefits coming soon. If you want to get from out of this situation, you have to test his conviction by forcing his hand. The only thing you have to ask is for him to call her on speaker and break the news that he’s seeing someone else. If it’s about living arrangements and the lease, him confessing won’t break the lease, right? She’ll most likely move out or be forced to live there until it ends because cheating doesn’t legally dictate that someone vacate the premises if both names are on the lease. If it’s about the kids and custody, then that’s something that will always be an issue, in the time you’ve been talking he hasn’t come up with a plan to keep the kids happy? He wants you to wait around until they’re 18? Give me a break. In terms of his money being tied up, again, cheating doesn’t legally take money out of a joint-venture business. She doesn’t suddenly get full ownership of their event planning shindig because he chose you. These excuses are obviously trash, but they rely on you being so in love, so sprung, that you won’t use common sense to question the legitimacy of why they are still together and why you need to play that side role.
This is a taboo subject because many of you reading this are dealing with taken people for reasons you can’t explain nor want to talk about. The self-hypnotic reason you use is that you’re not the one in the relationship, you’re not the one cheating, so your conscious is clear. The problem is you are in a relationship emotionally. You want that man, you think about him, you are sad that he doesn’t come home to you and that you have to play your part and hide in the shadows until he tells you it’s all clear. The difference between a mistress and a side chick is that the mistress understands that it’s an arrangement, not a love affair. You’re a side with visions of being wifey, and you’re going to waste years chasing a mirage. Why would you want to live that kind of life? The fact that you are clinging on to “soon” means that this is deeper than just getting off physically or egotistically, you are open and don’t want to leave even though you know you’re being lied to and strung along. The solution is to pull his card by making him confess, if he refuses to (and most likely he will) then you have your answer—he’s having his cake and eating it too. Never put yourself on the Shareable menu when you should be listed as an Entrée.
Q: Me and my friend have been talking for the past three months and everything is perfect in terms of chemistry, conversation, and treatment. The problem is that I feel he’s gotten comfortable to the point where he’s not going to ask me to be his girlfriend. I don’t want to be the typical girl that gives an ultimatum, but at this point how else can I get him to give me what I want?
This is the most outdated question I get, and it’s based on the notion that women should keep their mouths close, don’t pressure a man for more, and wait for him to tell her where he wants to take the relationship. In this scenario, the man has all the power and the woman is simply a passenger. If you’ve read MDLWLY, this is the top thing the second half of the book gives strategy on. But at this point when you’re already relinquished it you have to Spartan Up in a risky yet effective way. If this were an Alpha male in this situation what would he do? He meets a woman he wants, vibes with, and everything is perfect, would he ever sit there like a pussy feeling like he has no ownership of his future, and that he should wait for her to bring it up? Fuqqqqq no! an Alpha would do one of two things, drop the news cleverly that they’re together or straight up tell her he wants her to be his girl. Some girls don’t like to be sneak claimed and will clap back with a, “Um, who said I was your girl?” Other women like the aggression of a man just putting it out there and taking control of the title. The point is, this isn’t about gender roles, this is about being progressive. Telling a man that you’re ready to be with him exclusively isn’t the same as getting down on bended knee and proposing to a guy. Yet, some women still cling on to this notion that if a man wants you to be his girl he’ll make you his girl. “A real man isn’t going to leave you wondering,” but here you are, so what does that mean? That you’re in love with a non-real man? Life doesn’t play out like internet memes or “you know it’s real when…” examples. Every male is different, and my example of what an Alpha male would do doesn’t translate to what a beta male would. These millennial men y’all date tend to be sensitive and may be unsure of how to move forward especially if the topic of commitment hasn’t been talked about. Therefore, we have some men that will follow along in silence just like women do, with neither having the guts to speak up. Adults talk, they don’t just hang around each other. If it’s been three months and no one has said shit about where it’s going, then you need to be woman enough to solve this problem by taking matters into your own hands. Don’t be some little girl that gets an attitude because “he’s not being a man and claiming me.” It’s you that’s suffering the more that time goes by, so you can’t afford to be shy or fearful of confrontation. Spartan up, Speak up!
The moment you are sure that you want him, ready to take yourself off the market and commit fully, open your mouth and tell him. “I feel as if I’ve had enough time to get to know you and at this point I think the next step is to actually be in a relationship. What do you think?” That is all you need to say. The reason why most of you won’t say that is because you don’t know what he will respond with and it scares the fuck out of you. If this guy who you’ve spent months falling for fixes his face to say, “I don’t think I’m ready, let’s keep building.” It will crush you. You’ll be confused as to if you should stay or go, and it causes problems in what was a great relationship. B.u.l.l.s.h.i.t. It was never a great relationship, it was two people hanging out! If you want something real you must be willing to take a risk and ask a question that will either clear up all confusion and give you what you want or prove that you’re wasting your time and should move on. You all know that I hate this concept of “Don’t waste my time,” and the reason why is that women and men waste their own damn time by not talking openly. A direct question gets you a direct answer! Either he says he’s ready or he says he’s not. Stop being a pussy and hiding from the rejection of “no” because it’s better to find out three months in that this man doesn’t want you or isn’t sure about you, then to keep playing the role of girlfriend to a man that isn’t interested in one.