Two people can be in love and not belong together. If you’ve lived and loved you’ve learned this harsh truth. If you still buy into the Hollywood movie version of love where it conquers all, then brace yourself because you’re in for a rude awakening sooner or later. You can’t control how compatible a person remains or if they change over time, but you can ensure that you aren’t the catalyst that pushes someone away by taking self-inventory of the things you may be doing wrong. Are you good at dating? Are you good at communicating? Are you truly a good girlfriend, or is it just hype and ego? “I know I have issues, but I’m loyal” doesn’t cut it. “I need to work on my attitude, but…” sounds like an excuse to point fingers. “Love me, flaws and all” is hypocritical. You can’t rage against toxic behavior in one breath, then turn around and demand that a person embraces all the insecurities you refuse to work on just because it sounds romantic. If all of your relationships keep falling apart, it’s not bad luck, it’s time to explore if you’re as amazing as you say or guilty of ignoring your own massive faults.
You will meet quality men and you will meet men who don’t measure up. We focus so much on what to do in order to protect against trash ass men, but rarely talk about how to let down your guard and open up to the good men you come across. You say you know how to date, you want to be in a loving relationship, but you end up treating the good men worst than you treat the manipulators because you’re so used to being in a shell. This is honesty hour, if you blindly date, ignorant to your problems or unwilling to fix them, you will fuck up a good thing. You will chase away guys who you’ve prayed for. You will dismiss someone who really likes you. You will act so basic or so jealous due to your past trauma that you push Mr. Right into the arms of another woman. I write a lot about the bullshit that a lot of males do. Today I’m going to address the other side.
There are far too many women who constantly ruin their chance at happiness because they date with a chip on their shoulder, rush into relationships with fresh wounds, and overthink everything a man does for fear he’s out to hurt her. Not every man has a toxic agenda, not every male action you don’t understand is meant to be scrutinized to the point of paranoia, and sometimes a misunderstanding is just that, not proof that you should fall back. You want to be in control so bad because you’re scared of being played or abandoned. That fear doesn’t protect you from users, the irony is that your closed off persona scares off decent men and pulls in the ones you’re running from.
Manipulative men love to chase defensive and damaged women because they see through the front as a want to be loved. The quality men you want aren’t going to put up with your energy because they can tell from the moment you start talking you have trust issues, you make assumptions, and you haven’t dealt with your baggage. They run the other way, not because they aren’t “man enough” but because you come off with the emotional maturity of a 19-year-old. A trait of being a mature minded male is knowing how to avoid those women who aren’t on the same page. It’s time to stop pointing the finger and open your mind to the possibility that you’re still alone or struggling in your relationship because you don’t know yourself enough to fix what’s broken.
Stop Overthinking Him
You’re not crazy, you’re not dramatic, you have a “gut feeling,” and you know something about this new guy doesn’t feel right, so the first moment he does something you don’t like, you fall back. Earth to Basica—your gut instincts are so poorly calibrated from years of hyper-paranoia that you’re ruining a good thing! He doesn’t text you back as fast as he did before your last date—I’m going to block him! He’s having a busy week and doesn’t know if he can still see you as planned—This is why I don’t open my heart to boys! He liked a girl’s picture on IG, and you think she’s prettier than you are—See, all I attract are fuckboys! Calm your ass down and stop being so extra. All this big talk women do about working on self and having a positive mindset, yet the moment they start dating, all that work goes out the window, and they are back to having anxiety and anger issues. Why are you so weak mentally? Why are you so ready to scream fire before you even smell smoke?
A man who is up to no good will show you via real actions that he’s up to no good. This website is filled with examples of how to figure out the real from the fake. What you’re doing isn’t vetting, it’s taking something small like a missed call, a weird text response, or something he did on social media and using it as an excuse to raise your guard back up and move on to the next man… only to do the same exact thing. You’re a coward who wants to swim in the ocean but sees something floating and runs back to the safety of the shore. You must stop living your life in neutral. The more you tell yourself “he’s going to hurt me, men are all the same, why bother” the more you attract situations that mirror those negative thoughts!
I have a friend who cut a guy off because he canceled their date so he could attend his friend’s birthday party. His story was that he forgot about the party when planning their date. Her reaction was “well fuck you then.” I know the real reason behind it was because she didn’t really want to be dating, she was still into another guy who didn’t want a relationship. This is the work you must do. Understand where this “quick to cut him off” attitude is really coming from. Is it because you aren’t into him anyway, is it that you’re too into him, or is it some other trauma you aren’t dealing with? To keep pushing men away because they don’t react the way you want is idiotic. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt at least once.
If you tell him you want to see a movie and he texts back, “It’s whatever,” don’t take that to mean he doesn’t care and shut down, have a conversation about where he’s coming from. If he says something came up, don’t take that to mean he’s off seeing another girl or would rather spend time with friends. If he’s not posting you or talking about you on social media, don’t take it to mean he’s hiding something. Get to know how a person moves before you rush to judgment. You’re punishing a man based on a paragraph, not the entire page. If he flakes on you more than once, that’s proof that he’s full of shit. If he acts like going on dates is annoying to him more than once, that’s proof that he’s lazy. If he’s consistently doing anything that raises your yellow or red flag, then that’s proof that you should cut him off. When you act passive, block him, or start an argument based off ONE thing or come at his neck over something immature or basic like social media or who should text who first, you tell that man you’re far from the Game Changer he needs; you’re just a hurt little girl who still needs to work on her insecurities.
Trying To Turn A Boy Into A King
Women date down more than men. The average guy will put his dick in just about anything because their standards aren’t as high as they pretend when barbershop bragging. Women start with high standards in their heads from the time they’re in middle school. Height, money, overall looks, education, humor… a full sheet of qualifications. Reality hits, and more often than not, what she pictured herself with when she was a senior in high school isn’t what she ends up with by the time she’s 30. My friend in Atlanta once told me, “I’m fucking so many chicks who would have never gave me ass in school.” His story is normal for many of you who are now in what I call “The Settling Stage.” What’s the most important thing to look for when choosing a life partner—ambition, success, finances. During the settling stage, some of you enter relationships with men who aren’t your type, then try to circle back and fix them into the kind of man you can brag about. You can’t make a 5 “9 man into 6 “3 but you can try to take a 40k a year man into a 100k a year man, or so you think…
Let’s say you dated a guy who didn’t make much money but had ambition and a potential to do more because you had those deep talks in his car before he tried to finger you. Fast forward a year he’s your boyfriend, and you live together. He still makes the same money, he still talks about the same ideas, but he hasn’t really made a move. You’re not a gold digger, you’re not shallow, you’re not looking to take from him, you just want a partner who can boss up and succeed. From there you set out to make him over like you’re Cher from Clueless. You push him to take a job you think he should have or go to his boss with an ultimatum like you would if in his position. You get on him about sleeping in too late and not working on his side hustle or business plan. You comment on the things he buys, the number of times he eats out, or the money he splurges on his hobbies. You’re coming from a good place. You’re trying to be the Michelle to his Barack… but you forget one thing—this motherfucker ain’t Obama, he’s not even Ted Cruz. Your boyfriend has no hustle, no real ambition, and no matter what big shit he talks, he’s content with his mediocre existence. Argument after argument you get on him, and he comes after you, and then you make up, only to do this dance again the next time you realize you’re with a below average man.
Women invest in the potential of a man to a fault. This willingness to support him until he gets on his feet is a weakness most of you don’t deal with because you don’t see anything wrong with it until you find yourself feeling used and unappreciated. You agree to be the girlfriend of a man who has big dreams and even bigger debt. You make the excuse that your dating pool is filled with Struggle Dick and declare what’s yours is his because that’s what love is. His lack of ambition weighs on you over time, and in the end you realize that there was nothing you can do to fix his life, that there is no such things as King Building. “I just want a good man who loves me,” okay, Basica, but you can’t BUY LOVE or mother a man into becoming a winner. Stop being so guilt-ridden that you take on these fix-a-dick projects. If you want a man that makes a certain amount, get that. If you want a man who has his life goals in order, get that. Believe in your ability to attract bigger and better.
Good relationships don’t just happen, they take time and patience. No matter how much they want to be with you, and you want to be with them, there comes a time when you get used to a person and take them for granted. Love isn’t daily butterflies, once you’re deep into a relationship love becomes that silent engine that needs constant tune-ups. No one says this, there isn’t a check engine light for relationships, and over time effort and attention begins to fade. There’s no greater realization that it’s no longer working or worth working on than that lonely feeling of being neglected.
A lot of you are in the deep dating stage or are in relationships where you make the crucial mistake of neglecting your men. Men court women, many pamper, spoil, and shower attention especially in the early stage. As women, you can lose track that love, and affection is a two-way street. You tell him “I love you” and give him pussy when he goes for it, so you think he’s satisfied, but let’s not forget that men are still little boys at heart, they CRAVE love and attention. You’re on your phone and he’s on your phone more often then you’re in each other’s face have discussions. You’re binge watching TV, he’s playing video games. Why are you even together if you don’t actually spend time together? You tell your timeline things quicker than you tell your man because you want social media attention. You tell your girlfriends your problem quicker than you tell your man because you know he’s going to see the situation differently than those who kiss your ass. No one teaches you how to be a good girlfriend during the “boring” times you have to learn on the job. Put the phone down, shut the laptop, take a day off work, and show him some attention, and stop thinking romance is a one way street.
How often are you having sex? Sex in relationships is a huge source of frustration that no one talks about. You go from all the lust and marathon sessions of the honeymoon stage to barely having sex or having the same kind of sex every time out. EVERY male that emails me brings up the lack of sex with his girlfriend or wife as a reason that he’s having doubt. One of my good friends told me how for the first time in his life he has a girlfriend that compliments his sex game, that goes for sex without him trying, and who texts him freaky things first. Juxtapose that with his last girlfriend who he had to initiate sex with, who called him “nasty” anytime he tried to sext, and who was quiet as a mouse pissing on cotton in the bedroom. He loved her but the sex, even though it was consistent, didn’t make him feel appreciated. My advice to men is to light a fire, be more romantic, try something different in the bedroom, and I shit you not—most of them write back saying they have, but it doesn’t make the women switch it up going forward. She just goes back to being boring.
Maybe it’s your boyfriend, he’s not as attractive as he once was, maybe you have kids now, or maybe other relationship issues make you not want to give him the kind of nasty sex you used to have. Regardless, this is something you must be on top of and communicate sooner than later because a man who isn’t satisfied isn’t waiting for your reasoning, he’s going to be waiting for someone who can scratch his itch in ways you don’t.
The other form of neglect is spending time. You’re both boring, you both work, you get out when you can and eat in front of each other—wooo so fun. I push for men to be creative on dates, but the same applies to women. He’s your man, you can plan a bomb date, you can buy tickets to something fun, you can get off your phone and just talk, you can come up with a couple’s hobby. To sit around and let your relationship crumble because you feel that a man should do all the work is a quick way to find yourself single, cheated on, or in an unhealthy relationship where you both secretly hate each other but pretend it’s all good. If your boyfriend or husband is acting differently it isn’t always because he’s out there looking for new pussy or trying to do something sneaky, it could be the realization that he’s in a thankless relationship. Men don’t stay in uncomfortable situations long, he will find a way out before he even talks about what’s bothering him. Stop ignoring and ask yourself how much energy you’re putting into your relationship.
You’re in the dating stage and you’re treating him like a boyfriend. You’re in the early parts of a relationship and you’re assuming everything he does is in response to you. Where’s your chill? Women have a nasty habit of moving too fast emotionally before anything’s been established. He’s telling you good morning every night. He’s fucking you like he’s trying to make his dick touch your spine. He’s inviting over to his place, telling friendsabout you, and the list goes on. “GL, he’s treating me like I’m a Game Changer that means I am one.” Nah, he’s treating you like a man treats any woman he’s infatuated with during that first 1-3 months honeymoon phase. You’re not stupid, you’re just delusional.
Your place in a man’s life is as “girlfriend potential” or “just pussy” but you assume you’re “wifey” because you are overselling the role you play in his life. Pump your breaks. Take it slow. Stop dishing out pussy so fast. Stop assuming that you’re on his mind 24-7. Stop worrying about what happens next. Get to know him, earn a place in his world as he should earn one in yours, and grow into that role organically. There are so many strong women who lay back and make men prove themselves through actions, and here you are crying and overthinking every thing he does because you’re desperate for love. Stop making the rest of the culture look bad by trying to force yourself on a guy who sees you as “just okay”.
One of One
Things Dick Whipped Women Don’t Want To Hear: Just let him go, you’ll find someone better. You know he’s just going to mess up again. He’s not even worth all of this stress.
Many of you are currently trying to hit reset with someone who keeps fucking you over. This is is the result of feeling that there is no other man that can compare to him. He looks good, has an amazing dick game, has things going for himself career wise, and in your city that’s hard to come by. He’s a One of One, so regardless of what’s causing the rift or drama in your relationship you hold on because the dating pool outside of him is trash. Guess what? He’s trash too! I’ve gotten so many “how do I win him back emails” where the man’s faults are so blatant, yet because that woman is convinced no other man in the city compares she plays herself time and time again. I don’t give a fuck what city you live in, how much money he has, or if his dick is dipped in Infinity Gems, the moment you show a man that’s he’s irreplaceable he will treat you like a groupie.
I know a famous athlete who ran through so many of these IG girls people gush over. None of those women were ever more than good time girls. Then he ended up settling with a school teacher who he randomly met. He told me, “I’ve never met a woman who made me chase her like she made me chase her.” The difference between being a Spartan and being a Typical ass Basica is that Spartans always challenge men like they’re replaceable, they aren’t trying to hold on or grading him on a curve. You all don’t stand up to these men, because you need them way more then you think they need you. Sure, you curse him out when he hurts you or get in your feelings when he ignores you, but that’s teenager shit. How do you challenge him on a daily basis? What are you showing him that separates you from the pack? The moment you meet a man, no matter who he is, treat him like he’s as normal as the rest of them. Talk to him like he’s a guy at work, make him fit into your schedule, and if he does try to play games or becomes inconsistent check him like a grown ass woman. Men love powerful females. So stop worrying about “but what if I lose him” and Spartan the fuck up!
You Don’t Think You Deserve To Win
What happens when they find out about your past, your family, your relationships, the down years, the anxiety, the depression, and all the messy parts that you try hard to cover up during those first few months of dating? Will they run, will they play along just to be nice, will they treat you the way you’ve always been treatedl? The ultimate dating mistake is underselling who you are and what you can attract. The ultimate relationship mistake is believing that despite being showed love, you hold on to this idea that it’s too good to be true and self-sabotage.
Do you know what a healthy relationship feels like? No, but you know the struggle to the point where you enjoy it. People argue people disappoint, people leave, and you try to hold it together as they pop in and out of your life. That’s not the life you deserve nor is it the way things have to be. I get it, you don’t want to try, you don’t want to put yourself out there. You take what comes your way and try to be the best “friend” you can be to a man hoping he wants more. Sometimes he just fucks you and ghosts, other times he hangs around and toys with your emotions. Neither is ideal, but at it’s better than feeling lonely and unwanted.
Every so often you may meet a man who is everything you hoped for, genuine, transparent, and a positive force. The problem with those men is that they don’t need you like the users needed you. They don’t ask for favors, they don’t run hot and cold, they’re chill as fuck, and that makes you even more nervous because you can’t figure out their agenda. You won’t admit this, but you like the arguments, you like breaking up to make up, you like the stalking, you like coming to their rescue, and you love forgiving men for treating you like shit because that’s what you know love to be—a series of lows and highs. A man with no drama is too soft, too boring, too happy… and you’ve learned that happiness doesn’t last when it comes to you. Push him away, show him how crazy you are, how broken you’ve become, and save him from wasting his time so you don’t get swept up in some fairy tale that will only break your heart. You keep choosing the same types because they’re comfort food for your ratchet soul. You want the drama and the tears, you need the struggle and inconsistency, you’re numb to healthy emotions, and addicted to the painful chase of male validation.
Happiness begins with you. If you can’t love yourself enough to want the best out of life, then how can anyone else hope to fill that void? Maybe you don’t know where to start. Your mother let your father get away with murder, or maybe she’s still chasing after men to this day, and that’s the only blueprint you have in terms of a female role model. Your mom didn’t teach you there was more to life than male attention, but I’m telling you right now, you are more than an object! Look beyond the frustration, push past the negative thoughts and get to know who you Truly are. You have a Spartan Force inside you that will always guide you back to where you need to be if you dare to embrace it. Men aren’t the prize, you don’t have to strive to be likable, or put up with what’s given to you. When you constantly put others first, all you teach them is that you come last. This is your world! The bar doesn’t exist until you set it. The past only weighs you down if you allow it. The fear that holds you back is make-believe. Be selfish, be greedy, be free, and know that all it takes to change your results is to change your mindset.