I hope you all had fun reading the different perspectives of the guest writers, and for the final guest post, we have my brother Will Anthony aka Bmore Banner. He’s the founder of unitedfanboyz.com and has recently launched Baby Mama Critque. I don’t have any BMs so I thought it would be good to have him speak on a topic that’s foreign to me. Enjoy.
I’ll be back soon.
The Ratchet Baby Mama
When you look at urban definition of a baby mother, it is what it is, “The mother of one’s child.” In a time of celebrity divorces and child support, let’s not forget alimony, I thought this would be a good time to talk about the differences between “the mother of one’s child” from the Spartan & Ratchet point of view. This may not be my exactly my brother NC-17’s definitions on Spartan or Ratchet, but I’ve read this blog since the first day and I’ve read Solving Single front to back, so I think it’s safe to say that I know the difference between a strong ass Spartan chick that has confidence, class, and isn’t afraid to put a nigga like me on blast when I do wrong— from an eye rolling, know it all, passive aggressive Ratchet chick who settles beef like a teenager.
As a man with multiple children, 5 to be exact, I realized that there are significant differences in the companies I’ve kept in my past. With 5 children by four mothers it may seem as though I’m the ratchet, and who knows, I’m pretty sure I may have been, but as I got older and more mature I noticed the differences in the mothers and I didn’t have to concentrate on myself anymore, just my actions. There are three types of baby mothers I want to dig into; The Suspect Baby Mother, The Bitter Baby Mother, and the last being The Spartan Mother of your child. I’ve been blessed to say I have had 2 of those in my lifetime, one I’m married to. The other, God rest her soul, passed away in 2010 with my oldest daughter, I miss them so much, sometimes subjects pertaining to them are hard to finish, but today I felt more compelled and composed enough to do so.
The Spartan Mother of your child is the woman that when in a relationship with you is all about you and the future you can build; it’s the relationship you don’t expect to end. Once your child is born it almost seemed destined that you two will stay together forever, however that is not always the case. If or when separation happens, both parties are hurt and the Spartan Mother must decide her next step, “should I say fuck him and be ignorant?” or “should I just prepare and stay calm and handle my business as a parent outside of the romance that’s now over?” The Spartan mom thinks of this during separation and even after separation, and as a man you hope for your child’s sake that she doesn’t slip into that black hole of jealousy and bitterness. Maybe she takes the guy downtown to get child support or maybe she works out something privately without the courts, most of the time she would rather go for those side deals where she doesn’t drag him into some court where most likely a bias judge will try to rape his pockets. Now, I’m not saying that the Spartan Mother doesn’t deserve child support, all men should support their children, and if she feels that the man isn’t going to hold up his side of the deal, then she has that right to make it more legal to keep his deadbeat ass honest.
Money and visitation aside, the special thing about a Spartan Mother is that she doesn’t talk bad about you to other people or beat you down as if you are a bad father. You guys may have disagreements but after a week she’ll calm down and everything is back to normal. The Spartan Mother of your child is the relationship that could have worked, but for some reason did not, and it may have had nothing to do with cheating or fighting. Maybe it was an age difference or just some growing apart issues you went through that made you less compatible, but that doesn’t stop the respect and love you have for one another.
What makes her a Spartan Mother and not just the baby moms? This type of woman chooses her happiness over her baby father. Anyone with a child wants to raise them in a two-parent home, but it takes a strong woman to realize that you can’t force that issue just because people say you should nor is she going to sacrifice her piece of mind trying to keep all the bodies under the same roof when she no longer loves that man. Before she passed, my Spartan Baby Mother and I Co-parented our beautiful little girl, and while we didn’t live under the same roof, we were still raising our daughter as if nothing changed. Because the stress of our romantic relationship was done with, we were able to be friends again, fall in love with other people, and be happy for real instead of faking it on birthdays and visits. Our daughter had to see the change in the relationship, which is why she was such a happy child over those years. There needs to be more real men who step up as fathers, but there ALSO needs to be more Spartan Mothers who can co-parent without hostility. It would put less stress on these children out there and give them the real opportunity to spend time with their fathers without attitude and constant bickering.
All the fellas who have experienced the ugly side of the Ratchet Mother knows about that passive aggressive bullshit and that stereotypical but real life attitude those ratchets hit you with. Ratchet moms gets so worked up about their own bullshit to the point where they are cussing you out about your son/daughter’s shoe not being tied when they get home. That shoe drama or losing something out of the diaper bag argument turns into a 2 day beef about something totally pointless, because she’s not happy with her life, and needs someone to take it out on. I’ve lived it, I know. So when you see a mother that’s not letting her personal bullshit affect your relationship with your child, you have to appreciate that and that’s why I give all the love and respect in the world to the Spartan Mother.
Let’s be honest, I have multiple kids because I got caught in up in the moment, a WHOLE LOT of moments and made immature decisions. After the baby comes there isn’t an instant maturity, so you make a few more immature decisions. I’ve learned to be a better father through experience, not by being yelled at or being taken to the courthouse for child support. Most of these fathers will become better too I hope. The opportunity for redemption is always available, that is what these dumb ass chicks with kids don’t understand. Let me say, for every lame ass baby daddy out there, there is a baby mama that is the same or worse.
Let me tell y’all a story about the two other types of baby moms. I will say this, coming up, from about 18-24, I thought I was not necessarily a player, but I did play my cards right to the point that I could say I’d been with black, white, mixed, Spanish, Chinese and Indian women. It was just preference at the time and with the profession I was in, it was the norm. I had even introduced my mom to this Chinese girl that I was really considering settling down with and making my woman, BUT, my ghetto side called me, and the same way a lot of y’all ladies out there want a brother, I still wanted a sister, but notice I said, “ghetto side”, so instead of keeping my eyes open for class, like most dudes that age, I was looking for ASS.
I had been introduced to this young lady, a year older than myself. She was at that time, beautiful mixed with black and white, short, with one of the best bodies I’d ever seen. She already had a kid, but my mindset was “do you”. We ended up having this 6-month relationship and she got pregnant, meanwhile I had totally killed all communication with my Chinese girl, it wasn’t because I didn’t want her anymore, it was the convenience I had with this beautiful girl that lived so close to me. This girl I’m about to describe is what I call the Immature Baby Mother also known as the “Suspect”. This is the type of woman that talks a good game about how she is going to make co-parenting work, how she’s going to accept the fact that it’s over and not hold it against you, but then switches up and gives you a million excuses later as to how you brought out the ratchet in her. The Suspect Baby Mother goes out and lives her new life, finds her a new man, and she does keep her side of the deal. BUT when the chips are down in her current situation she talks that “you’re not a real father, just a baby daddy” shit to you.
Fellas out here, you know that when your baby moms finds a new dude, she’s super happy, and she doesn’t have any reason to be hostile. You may not like a new dude trying to play pops, but for the time being, him laying that pipe in her lonely ass keeps the focus off of you and your new relationships. Ladies out here who have Ratchet baby mother friends, you know that the moment drama between her and her man goes down, she takes it out on everybody, her mother, sister, cousin, best friend, but nobody takes collateral damage more than the baby daddy. When things are going good with the “boo thing” she wants to turn him into the NEW daddy, but as soon as that dude starts showing his true colors, she has to take it out on the good baby daddy. If these girls would “Spartan up” on the new dude and call him out on his shit then that new dude would most likely leave her to that single mother life that a lot of women are afraid of. She can’t yell at him or check him about money, love, and attention so she looks to her baby daddy and says, “I need more money from you. I need you to come see him more” because she needs a scapegoat. You try to work it out and do the right thing, but as soon as their relationship is fixed, you’re not allowed to see your child the same way you could see him when they were beefing. You’re not allowed to readjust the child support, even though she has a dude living rent free in her crib eating off the money that is supposed to be going to the baby. It’s all a joke because this woman is fake and in our book “FAKE IS RATCHET”. How can you fix this problem? Spartan Up and tell that dude to be a real man and stop being afraid to lose him and start dating all over again, or you keep it 100 with yourself and grow the fuck up and understand that no man is worth keeping around who makes you angry at the world. Your child shouldn’t be 13 years old before you realize “damn, my son’s father really cared.” Recognize a good man when he’s trying to do good, and recognize a lame who just wants to play off your insecurity of being a single mother and use that as his way into a rent free house where he can play step pops when he feels like it.
Lastly, this is the one that I could say upsets me and most fathers the most. The Bitter Baby Mother. The bitter baby mother could be some girl you met at the mall that caught your eye and you had no choice but to introduce yourself. This is the girl that you were fucking and you never made it official but she did… this is the girl NC would call a placeholder or pussy not wifey type. This is the girl that accidently got pregnant while testing out her new riding skills and couldn’t hop off in time. This is the girl that would tell you she was pregnant and when you ask “what do you want to do?” she spaz out. “FUCK YOU MEAN WHAT I WANNA DO, NIGGA!?!”
In my defense, imagine a Spanish girl 5 years younger than me pissed about me asking a question about her pregnancy, I forgot to mention she was from the Bronx. I thought the rant was cute though, what dude dick doesn’t get hard hearing that sexy/angry NYC accent? I didn’t know she was going to hold it against me. I didn’t know she was too immature to understand how to talk instead of yell. I didn’t know this would be the worst experience ever as a father. I NEVER got the time with my daughter I wanted, she never got to meet her older sister that passed. The first time she ever met her other siblings was after their older sister’s funeral. It is sad how they come together after tragedy. You can’t let your anger ruin another person’s right to a family! So what if you’re mad at me, it’s not about you and me, what I said to you, or any of the YOU YOU YOU stuff. It’s about me and my daughter getting to know each other, that has nothing to do with your bitterness about how our relationship ended.
You can be mad, but you should never deny a man his fatherly right if he is actually willing to be there. For the females out there reading this, I am not trying to make you all into the bad people or generalizing, I am talking to those stubborn, dick silly, bitter ass, can’t let go of the past, crazy chicks that we all know exist. If this describes you, get your shit together. It’s nothing like having to go to court 4 times for the same shit, wasting gas and money, meanwhile you’re getting child support and you also have the opportunity to give your child time with their father. Women, all men are NOT the same. So many men want relationships with their children, you don’t have to run to a judge to make them have one. Getting a check isn’t the same as getting a childhood where their father is teaching them about life. A lot of men turn into absentee fathers after the fact and let women do the work, not because they don’t give a shit, it’s because they are put in the position to be handcuffed by you and the legal system. You are not giving these men the chances they deserve because of how petty you can be. A man believes that when you say “leave us alone” that you mean it and some men have that “fuck it” attitude and will accept that his relationship with his child can never be because of the mother. SEPARATE your feelings for him from your child’s need for him. Deal with the fact you two are not together anymore and let that man do his job with his kids without supervision at McDonald’s or the strip mall. That’s so disrespectful.
Many of you reading this probably grew up without your pops, and all you had to go off was what your mother told you. Bitter baby mothers raise bitter daughters and the reason they are bitter is that you told them that their father was never a serious relationship for you. After the Drake songs go off, after she’s read all the BGAE posts, and after her therapy sessions end, she’ll understand that there is always two sides to every story, and that men aren’t good or bad like in a cartoon, but complex. Once she has that breakthrough guess who she’ll blame her issues with men on? You guessed it… Ladies, jealousy gets you nowhere, you’ll either be a bitter ratchet for the rest of your days or you’ll put your sons and daughters in that same damn mind frame and repeat the cycle all over again. Spartan mothers create Spartan daughters, and I have two in heaven and two under my roof right now that prove this fact.
Will Anthony’s Follow up To The Comments: http://babymamacritique.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-ratchet-baby-mama-requiem.html
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