I Am A Tank Girl

written by Queen Adara

I am a tank girl. I understand men on the most exploitative level but I do not want to get to know any one man in particular. The idea of one man scares me. The possibility that you can care deeply for a man who might reject your love or leave your ass is something that has kept my heart ice cold for damn near my whole life. The truth is that I’m more vulnerable than the chick who sits around waiting for random cute nigga to respond to her “so what are we” text. If he rejects her, she’ll bounce back because it wasn’t really that deep. If I go to the trouble of thawing myself and the nigga isn’t worth it, I could be out of the game for years.

Let’s take a step back, though, and look at something any kind of woman experiences growing up: meeting the men who shape your initial idea of how men view you. He’s the finest boy on the block but, in addition to you, he’s being crushed on by every basic-ass bitch you know. You want to tell him you care about him but the second you do, no matter how sincere your feelings are, you instantly go in the “this bitch ain’t going nowhere” pile. He may not be doing it intentionally, he may be picking up bitches just to do it. You don’t see that when you’re thirteen, though, you just know the shit hurts. Then you get older and you fall for a flashy nigga, like a d-boy or a star athlete. Even worse! With the regular-ass cute nigga, you could at least respect the other girls who liked him. These tawdry broads will leave you baffled as to how these hood famous niggas could completely ignore someone who “looks past all that stuff” for a hoe with good pussy and bad intentions. You’re out here competing with women who obviously ain’t shit but these men choose them anyway! That shit can make any woman bitter.

Men think females talk to their girls on the phone about everything they go through with any man. Wrong. When girls get on the phone to talk to their friends, they talk about men but in a “he wasn’t worthy of you anyway” kind of way. That “Girlfriends” pep talk is nice to have, but it doesn’t negate the fact that the nigga you chose decided to choose someone else and you can’t help but take it personally. A girl will think “I just wasn’t good enough for him” and keep it to herself. Girls can grow into women and go their entire lives feeling this way: inadequate and unworthy. Tank girls remix that shit into “he wasn’t worth what I wanted to give him”. Same song, different DJ: both women feel as though the love they have to give is worth less or worthless. Tank girls may not even know they feel that way because they aren’t that introspective but that shit is there and that hurt has now manifested itself into rage. That boy goes from being a crush who didn’t crush back to being a typical ain’t-shit nigga and, from that day forth, she will put her guard up. Personally, I started listening to Trina way too young and it made me feel powerful when I felt like I was at the mercy of the men in my life who weren’t treating me right. It was awesome: a woman who raps like a nigga but is desired anyway, yelling “niggas ain’t shit but hoes and tricks”… telling me that I’m right in saying “shut down your heart, girl, these men aren’t worth you”. Going beyond rap, it seems like a ton of the female-oriented music released nowadays that isn’t for shaking your ass in the club is either about the terror of falling in love, getting your heart broken, getting over your heartbreak… or how to do you and not love these niggas.

Men listen to the misogynistic shit rappers talk about because good music speaks to you in a way you can relate to and understand. That doesn’t mean they live the life those niggas rap about. Tank girls do not interpret music with misogynistic undertones as a crude but meaningful way for men to speak on hidden vulnerabilities, they think that’s the consensus on what niggas believe about the world. That’s like knowing niggas like the “Versace” song and believing that’s all niggas will wear. Rap pretty much confirms a tank girl’s bleak worldview: “these niggas be telling you what the fuck it is but you sucker-for-love-ass bitches allow yourselves to get okey-doked anyway”. They fear a man asserting what they believe: their love is cheap and men will leave it and you behind once they’re tired of you. Tank girls do not “get played”, they “allow themselves to get played”, which is why your best friend knows all the right moves when it comes to your relationships… but has been single herself for five years. Tank girls see love for a man as a waste of time… but consider countless hours of hoe work for trips and shopping sprees an investment on par with buying Apple stock. Riding for your niggas, putting money over bitches, having a main chick, a mistress, and a young bitch, that’s the macho life that’s acceptable for black men. A tank girl will assume all men want that life and punish the men she comes into contact with like she’s fighting on behalf of womankind. There is nothing noble about purposely hooking a dude then ignoring his needs, wounding his ego, cheapening him and rubbing your lack of attachment to him in his face. Niggas can never really win over this type of woman: tank girls are built this way as a result of their own life experiences and inability to deal with them in a healthy way. As a tank girl, I don’t think it’s impossible for me to fix myself but it requires many leaps of faith (I don’t do those) and confrontations with my feelings (I don’t have those).

Tank girls, let’s ask ourselves some questions. Why do we treat a guy we’re into like he stole our lunch money? Why can’t we stop ourselves from pulling the bait-and-switch on a man we know we don’t care about? Why does commitment make us want to run? Because we’re afraid to get in our feelings and are bitter about it. A tank girl who has been around the block and has “sucker for love” girlfriends has seen and heard horror stories of heartbreak and mistreatment and is thus convinced that the only thing niggas can do is game and the only language niggas can speak is lies. Years of “don’t trust these men, they lie and they leave” can make a woman forget what love is or looks like. The more a man tries to lock you down, the more nervous you get. Unlike the typical slores you assume that he hits and quits, he’s thinking about a future with you. You’ve presented yourself as “different” from these other women, but not in a healthy way. Instead of cutting out the bullshit and allowing yourself to see where it goes, you take the safe route and kill the commitment in its sleep.

You’re probably asking why a woman would allow a relationship with a man to get to the point where he wants to lock her down and then say “no”. It’s that rage and bitterness. When men put walls up after being hurt, their defensive armor doesn’t stop them from getting girls because there are so many women that want to save these niggas. He doesn’t even really have to do shit, she’ll be the girlfriend and her mind will make him the boyfriend– all he has to do is exist. When women put walls up but carry themselves like a Spartan, they are actively and heavily pursued. They’re damn near the perfect woman: independent, emotionally self-sufficient, needs her own space as much as he needs his, fucks well after years of fucking for nothing but sport and doesn’t ask anything of him he isn’t ready to think about. This man is getting everything he wants but, after a while, he’ll begin to ask after his needs. It may not always be intentional, but this is where the tank girl really does her damage. When a man opens up and goes out of his way to propose monogamy to a woman like this, the type of proposal most women would kill for, a tank girl will respond with some sort of avoidance or dismissal. The “relationship” ends for her at this point because he got out of pocket: “we agreed this wasn’t going anywhere, this nigga has been getting the I-don’t-fuck-with-you-like-that treatment and he still wants to wife me? FOH”. She doesn’t respect him for staying around. On the surface, it’s because he never checked her, which is admittedly a bitch move. On a deeper level, she doesn’t respect him for wanting to be with a woman like her (remember, she doesn’t consider love to have any value, hers in particular) and is annoyed that he isn’t playing the part of “ain’t shit nigga” in the fucked-up movie of her life. By shutting him down, she reasserts herself as impervious to the “games” when all she’s doing is locking herself in a room but saying it’s for the purposes of keeping others out.

Why would a nigga even want a woman like this, though? For the same reason you want that nigga who tells you his ex-girlfriend broke his heart three years ago and “it’s still complicated” as a way to keep your ass in the corner. Emotionally unavailable people are a challenge: they don’t need you and that’s a turn-on. Your ego wants to believe they just want to “be a better person” before they commit to you (HA!), so you play by their rules hoping they’ll wake up one day and realize you matter. Good luck trying to assert yourself after you’ve served your purpose. Emotionally unavailable men hurt women by wasting their time and energy, but tank girls hurt men by turning the things that make men feel happy and fulfilled into weapons they can use to savage that nigga with later. Gives blowjobs you’d see in hard-core porn because it’s Tuesday, is the perfect companion at work functions or family events, turns up but has home training, a social butterfly that doesn’t live and die with her text inbox… this is the shit that has niggas spending hundreds on dates and leaving bottom bitches who were ride-or-die for years after knowing this new bitch for a week. Speaking directly to niggas: this woman isn’t your dream come true! She isn’t a down-ass chick who has sex like she made it up and gives you room to breathe because she “gets” you. She is working you like a part-time job! What the fuck kind of woman doesn’t want to stay or have a man stay after she has sex with him? What the fuck kind of woman never talks about herself except when she’s warning you about the kind of person she is? What the fuck kind of woman “isn’t for all that sweet shit” and says up front that she wants nothing from you? Niggas who are dick and dick alone better understand that shit because if he offers her whatever he’s got in his heart because he mistook her for The One, he will be SHITTED on. Even if she does the nicest thing possible and just goes ghost, that man will be traumatized from the experience. Women like this are the reason niggas on Twitter talk endlessly about $200 dates and are genuinely afraid of commitment.

Emotionally unavailable people actively disregard the fact that normal humans develop feelings over time. Truly hateful ice queens actually enjoy using this to break niggas because it feels like trapping them in their own game: “we agreed at the start of this thing what it was and wasn’t gonna be… you have no one to blame but yourself”. If they start talking shit about other bitches, they only look weaker: the pussy never belonged to you and you were never special for getting it because you were always just something to do. If you stick around and accept her refusal to treat you like a person, you are officially in check. You have made it clear you will take whatever she feels like giving you and since you are completely replaceable, she may just start fucking with you for fun. I once did a man so dirty that even now, almost a year later, when he runs into me on the street, he gets a scared look on his face and walks the fuck away. That individual man was not a person with feelings, he was a symbol of a possibility tank girls both reject and want: love and security.

You’re a tank girl? Cool. The first thing you do is figure out who you are angry at. It damn sure isn’t this week’s random nigga you’re talking to because you’ve been an evil bitch for the past ten years. There was one man that “broke” you, be it the cute nigga who didn’t acknowledge you or the father who hit you or the boyfriend who cheated, but instead of being an adult and dealing with your rage and resentment, you break others so your misery has company. Once you figure out who you’re mad at, you can stop being mad at everyone. Only then can you stop playing games… and the games MUST stop. Every woman has her own style but if courtship is a game and you’re the only player then he’s just a piece and you cannot seriously invest in someone you consider to be beneath you. Stop trying to control everything at the expense of your own fulfillment. Hitting-and-quitting the cute nigga you know you wanted to date is not a win! You are settling for cubic zirconia when you know you want diamonds! It isn’t even that difficult: if you let a man be a person and not a source of income or a human dildo, you will catch feelings. If you do your best to fight your natural inclination to develop an exit strategy, you will become attached and now these bitches singing about love and men and all that “sweet shit” are speaking to you. You aren’t emotionally unavailable, you are unwilling to take a chance with love because you don’t want to look stupid. Who the fuck is watching you?! Who is writing these arbitrary rules you follow? You are at war with yourself and because you never resolved that “my love will be rejected” issue you have, you’ll keep losing even if it looks like you’re winning. Most women don’t have this problem: they’ll get treated like shit, but keep trying no matter how many times she’s been made to look stupid. Tank girls consider women like this to be weak… but take an honest look at the way you live your life. Sitting at a restaurant and not eating because you don’t want to ask for food is fucking dumb. Dating and building relationships when you have no intention of opening up and allowing shit to become anything more is fucking dumb.

Two things tank girls do: dehumanize and disappear. If you treat that man like a piece of meat, then you will treat him like something you’re hungry for, but will either get tired of or finish and then not think about again. You are dehumanizing this person and even emotionally unavailable men can tell when it’s happening. Lack of eye contact during sex, impersonal attitude (“nigga, I’d rather scream my own name than yours”), clearly grading his performance, showing him the door while the condom is still warm… all things tank girls do to keep a nigga in his place. The disappearing shit is even worse because the fear of losing someone you care about is universal and can be manipulated for YEARS. It’s a dread game: you hook him and you keep his attention by constantly asserting the fact that you can leave whenever the fuck you feel like it AND SO CAN HE. Men like knowing there is a door, they don’t like being directed to use it every five minutes. Dread can enslave a person and tank girls, who consider the entire world one big dread game, are incredibly good at somehow making a man “happy” but uncomfortable. You know how? They live their own lives that way: “happy” doing them but uncomfortable as fuck because a part of them is experiencing the world through bulletproof glass. Open up, tank girl. Fail a couple times. If you’re a Spartan tank, then you don’t give a shit if it works out or not as long as you learned something. Trust me: nobody can treat you worse than you treat yourself.