This girl I G-chat with loves to antagonize me by playing Devil’s Advocate with everything I write. “Only dumb girls do this, only dumb girls do that” blah blah blah everything I say only applies to dumb girls in her book. This was her m.o. until Friday morning. She popped up on the screen, “Do you have a minute I really need someone to talk to” she had been dogged out… I didn’t bring up any of the dumb girl stuff or say “Told you you weren’t immune” because it’s not about that. I listened while she typed and typed… and typed. A guy who she liked a lot and was having sex with cut her off. No real explanation of why, he simply stopped all communication with her. This is what we men have to do when the coochie becomes more trouble than it’s worth. I use to call it “cleaning house”, most women call it “being played”. Her ego was hurt, but I’m sure she’ll be back to her normal antagonistic self by next week. The thing that blew my mind about her situation was that she wrote this: “You don’t understand, he looked like Chris Brown, only a little darker”. No lol on that shit, this was the main reason she got open off this guy– looks.

Girl’s don’t know how to Chris Brown proof their pussy. I use Chris Brown as the metaphor for that one dude who looks exactly like her “fantasy man” because EVERY female has a fantasy man. Some girls sit and pass judgment because they think they’re smarter than the average chick. They’ve heard all the lies and know how to deal with men—then “Chris Brown only a little darker” comes along and she forgets everything she thought she knew. Dudes like Chris Brown, Idris Elba, George Clooney, those guys are default panty droppers meaning 90% of women left alone with them will give up the ass. You take a guy with those types of  looks and add the gift of spitting game he becomes a nightmare for a woman with good sense. You unleash that kind of pimp on a girl who thinks she has men figured out and you know what you get? You get several rapid fire G-Chats asking me why he did her dirty. 

Women are not as shallow as men when it comes to looks. Barney Rubble is the American dream. We have a dumb fat cave man– literally, who’s married to a smart, sexy, and petite domestic goddess. The Flintstones is propaganda to get pussy. You may look at that and think, it’s only a cartoon, but millions of little girls watched that show. In the back of their minds the brainwashing began. Those animators were insuring that dumb cavemen in the 20th century and beyond would be on equal footing with more attractive men. They had to make sure women would go out with a guy that wasn’t the prettiest, put up with his bullshit, and be happy to make him dinner because he had a big heart. Total Pussy Propaganda! The Simpsons and Family Guy carry that same torch. How many women have friends with busted boyfriends yet they go through mad drama? “He ain’t even that cute” is a battle cry of many women as if they expect an ugly nigga to be happy he bagged her. Ugly dudes aren’t grateful for you, they don’t see you as a catch, they’re on Right Said Fred mode. Why? Because Ugly niggas live in the world of the Flintstones and they expect to bag bad chicks. If you’re having relationship problems with Busted Brian, then you may want to stay away from the Chris Brown’s, you’re no match. Most girls who are up on game can handle the Busted Brian’s, they’re so dick savvy it’s not even funny, but when they’re approached by a guy that looks better than the usual dudes she deals with, can she handle him?

Most men are tricks, we know we’re shallow and will trip over ourselves for a chance to smell Lauren London’s coochie. I use to think women were better than that, but they too can fall victim to the superficial bullshit. Women get into a relationship with a Chris Brown dude and they’re hopping gates to see the nigga, doing drive by’s at 1am to make sure he doesn’t have company, and googling “how to track android phones”. It’s not because the man has a bomb personality, it’s not because the dick is dipped in ferry dust, it’s because of LOOKS!  Looks make everything better. It makes his jokes funnier. It makes his dick go from six inches to eight.  It makes his Dodge Neon look like an Audi A8. Perception is a motherfucker. Although you will probably end up in a long term committed relationship with Johnny average because he’s a great guy, your vagina has a type that she will always go torrential for. When you watch TV you know what kind of dude makes you tingle, I’m pretty sure that’s not the same guy you’re smashing. I’m not saying settle, fuck it– aim high, but understand that no matter how pretty you are, if you think he’s ridiculously attractive—so will every other woman he meets and most of them will be Spartans.

First Step Admit You’re Open: Stop lying to yourself, stop finding small flaws in hopes you can make him seem less attractive to you. If you think homie looks good, admit it– But only to yourself. Take it back to 8th grade and let out your little B2K scream in your head. You like how he looks, how his body is built, and all that shit yall pretend not to get open off of. Admit it internally then move the fuck on. All men have egos, and men who know they’re attractive have some of the biggest. “Tip been banging thick dimes since he was 15… She fucks with me because I got big dreams along with a face she think she seen on the big screen T.I’s knows the game. He doesn’t know that you can’t smoke weed while on probation, but that homie knows that every bitch in the room wanted him even before the record deal. So why feed into it? Treat him like he’s just as ugly as the nigga you gave that fake number to. I use to love it when a girl would make a comment about my eye color. As soon as she said something about pretty eyes I started picking out sexual positions. I’m telling you compliments are like blood in the water! Knowledge is power, to know a girl is turned on by you means the battle is over.

Don’t Run Your Mouth: If the dude looks good, why tell your bff? That bitch has eyes; you don’t have to sell her on dick that she’s not getting. Girls can play it cool around the guy, but when they get around their GF’s it’s like they’re 15 years old again. What can your bestie say? “Yeah he is cute”. Girls don’t forget that type of shit, the next time you’re all in the room together and you have to leave them alone, that comment will run through your head. Your friend doesn’t like your man, she’s into more of the grimy Method Man type, but you think your man is the best looking dude in the world and fear that everyone around you is out to take him. Slow. It. Down. It’s not that serious. 

Be Prepared To Be Played: If this dude is on some Ray J shit, talking about he got mad home girls, do you think he’s going to settle? “Oh that’s my homegirl” you see through that shit with Busted Brian, why can’t you see through it with this dude? Because he’s attractive he’s allowed a higher quota of bitches in his phone book? The prettier the nigga, the less trust you should have. He may end up being perfect; he may never cheat on you, but fuck that—keep that firewall up. I don’t care if your Mac Book Pro doesn’t get viruses—keep that firewall up!

No Country For Fuck Buddies: Chris Brown dudes make you step out of character. Oh you never had a one night stand *Bewitch nose twitch* You’re on his coffee table legs cocked back telling him it’s his pussy. Oh you never answer booty calls *I Dream Of Jeanie Blink* You’re in the bathroom washing your vagina because he said he was only two minutes away. You never do shit like this! Well guess what you highly educated morally sound vixen– you’re doing it! It’s not because this dude just passed the Bar exam, it’s because you got Shaunie O’Neil’d by a pretty face. I don’t think there is anything wrong with one night stands and fuck buddies, but women are emotional. After a month of casual sex with Chris Brown you like him, you think of him as more than a friend. You’re talking to other men, but they don’t look like he looks so you’re sabotaging yourself. Meanwhile you’re #3 on his list of fuck buddies and don’t understand why he doesn’t want to “make it serious” …buying the cow is for Busted Brian or Got You Pregnant Paul, Chris Brown has options and you sealed your fate by agreeing to his rules from the jump. You can’t ask a girl to take the emotion out of sex, that’s like asking Wendy Williams to untuck her dick; it’s not going to happen. Don’t get mixed up being cut buddies with someone you know you have a weakness for.

There Is Another: I bet Chris Brown smashed Rihanna after the beat down, shit he was probably there hitting her from the back while she was waiting for that red ass hair to dye. You can’t call Ri Ri dumb, she’s just being human. Once the hooks are in emotionally, it’s hard to let go. But when it’s time to finally let go, know that it’s not the end of the world. Stop trying to find someone just like him, and focus on finding someone with qualities that are more compatible with you. Don’t think of it as going from the penthouse to the outhouse, you can’t compare every new man to the one you just finished dealing with as if that dude was the G.O.A.T. “Oh he was perfect” What was perfect about him other than fitting your fairy tail description of the type of man you want to have kids with? If things were that good you two would still be together, obviously you weren’t living as high in the sky as you thought.

Men will be men regardless of looks. The only thing you can do is treat all of them equally, just because he has a nice smile and NBA height doesn’t mean he’s not going to fuck another girl as soon as he gets off the phone with you. A six pack and full lips does not make it okay to listen to your vagina instead of your brain. Mr. McGregor put up a fence for his garden, he didn’t arrogantly dare that dumb ass rabbit to come and take his crops. Knowing what the rabbit is hunting for and knowing how to stop him are two different things. Summer’s coming, you may think you know it all and can’t get caught up, but it only takes one man to expose that hubris. Chris Brown proof that garden or you will regret it.

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