The thing my female friends say to me the most is “What’s wrong with your boys?” Meaning men are weird, confusing, and do fucked up things to girls they like that logic can’t explain. I refuse to hook any of my boys up with girls that I come across because it always comes back and makes me look like all I know are creeps and pervs– that’s only half true. One girl asked why my friends weren’t normal like me. Umm clearly she didn’t know me. I’m weirder than most. But last weekend I did have a thought, “Maybe I should go on a date”… My boy had just gone on a date and it was the most fucked up story, (it’s not even worth repeating because it would paint him negatively), but while listening to the details of their dinner I was so upset by the missteps he made with this girl that I wanted to go back in time and tag myself in and salvage the date for him. Since my request to go on a date was vehemently denied by my fiance (yes I actually pitched going on a date strictly as research and could do an entire blog about her various reactions– stop playing with me… go ahead I don’t care what you do… I’ll fuck you up if you even think of taking another bitch out to eat…) so instead, I had to think back to my dating life, and I remembered how much I hated dating, the getting to know you crap when all I really wanted to know was if that was all her packed into that blouse or a product of Victoria Secret engineering. First Dates are bullshit. They’re crucial and you have to do it, but they are not make or break. The most important thing is the after date behavior.
The after date begins once you drop her off and lasts until your next official date. So many mistakes are made by both men and women during this time. Everyone reading this has been on a great date, then either you or that other person, fucked it up over the next few days by saying something dumb or showing stalker tendencies. Men don’t know when to shut up and Women become way too obsessed about the post date phone call and “does he like me” crap. There are no rules, if you like someone act naturally, but most of us get smitten and we act out of character, thus we have the “he/she got weird” scenario that comes from over doing it after the first date.
Don’t Text to Death: It’s nice to get a text saying, “had a good time last night”. It reaffirms that you weren’t crazy and they had a good time as well. But when you constantly text someone you’re just getting to know, it can backfire. Men can come off thirsty and so can women. Then there’s the fact that one innuendo text can quickly lead to sexting. You don’t know this person well enough to show them how much of a freak you are! You wouldn’t show up to the date topless sucking a lollipop, so why would you sext this stranger a step by step guide on how to properly ride his face? I made a mistake that I want people to learn from. I took this girl out and she brought a cock blocker, aka another girl to guard the coochie, so I didn’t get a chance to put in work the way I would normally put in work. She even told me beforehand that she was afraid to go out with me, not in a Ben Roethlisberger date rape thing, but in a “nigga I know what you want, and I’m not trying to slip up” sort of way. I respected the game she played and despite the third wheel we had a good time. I got home, and immediately started to text her nasty things about what she was wearing that night. She texted back nasty things and it lead to an hour of rapid back and forth sexting. I never went out with that girl again, because it became awkward. We didn’t build up to that, we just said fuck it, let’s see if our freak levels are compatible. The conversations afterwards were all about sex, she was cool, I would have probably liked her and she may have liked me, but we didn’t know anything about each other besides what would happen if ice cubes and chocolate syrup were involved. I wasn’t trying to take her out again; I wanted to get the Nestle experiment up and running not share appetizers over chit chat. She didn’t want to come over because she didn’t get down like that, “why do you want me to come over? You’re so bad. Why don’t you come over chill here”. It went from pursuing a pretty girl with the potential to be a girlfriend to pursuing this freaky sextaholic who my dick had to have. And that’s my fault for taking it to a place where it shouldn’t have gone. Please give it a few dates before you even type the word “cum”.
Don’t I-Stalk: Raise your hand if you’ve googled someone whom you just started seeing. Keep your hands up if you went to their Facebook, didn’t add them, but tried to see how much info you could get just from the default page. You’re not alone. Even niggas on the block have google data. Travon Coolidge had perfect attendance in 4th grade, won the Martin Luther King achievement award in 10th grade, and commented on Allhiphop.com saying “Fuck Late Registration, College Drop Out was better”. You can even find a picture of the nigga from his family reunion. It’s crazy the amount of info on the internet that you can’t control because once it’s out– it’s out. I went to see a comedian friend do stand up, she had a joke about Google maps and how she would find out the area the guy lived in and explore his neighborhood. Afterwards she told me that shit wasn’t a joke. Girls are scary! This chick emailed me saying that she had to shut her twitter down because too many of her boos found out about it, this is a sad sad future we date in. I expected flying cars but instead we have dudes who create fake profiles in order to get pass the protected tweets of a girl they like. Niggas are crazier than the broads! Adding friends of theirs on Facebook just so you can try and see if they post updates about you… Really? You’re not man enough to call her ass and ask questions? You’re praying for a breech in her Facebook privacy settings? It’s not that serious! But it is, because when you like somebody it becomes an obsession. It was one date, you’ll go on more, but if you show up to the 2nd date knowing strange facts about them being on the high school swim team, they’re going to look at you like a fucking creep.
Let That Bitch Breath: I was at a club. These two girls were a few feet away playing on their phones. They started laughing their ass off. I turn to look, nothing seems funny. A little later on, these same little ratchets walked up to some guy and the lead ratch yelled at him, “She ain’t even left the club and you texting the fuck out of her, let that bitch breath!” The dude was speechless, this girl straight clowned him in front of his little crew. But she was right. He had gotten this broad’s number in the club and proceeded to hit her up as if she wasn’t out having fun. Girls do the same shit, I don’t mind the post club “where yall going” phone call from a number you just got. But don’t hit me up after I just went out with you. Am I trying to see you again? Yeah—tomorrow, not the same night! Everyone needs space. You can get sick of someone you just met, because your bond isn’t strong enough to put up with their eccentric bullshit. Your patience with a person you’ve known for two weeks is way longer than your patience with someone you’ve only known a few days. If the date was good you’ll get another chance to relive that in a few days, take the sleeper hold off and let that bitch breath.
Stop Acting Like You Don’t Care: I don’t have to tell a girl that I like her. If I like you, you know I like you. My actions don’t toe the line. I don’t understand for the life of me why niggas feel a need to be so fucking tough. Andre 3 stacks told yall to take off that cool a long time ago, your boys aren’t on the phone; you don’t have to act disinterested just for the fuck of it. I use to think that girls who couldn’t tell if a guy liked them were just blind, but that’s the furthest thing from the truth. Niggas do pussy foot around. A man is so afraid of coming off like Mr. thirsty or Mr. LoL smiley face that he can’t be himself. Two days have passed, you know you want to call shorty, why let that inner 2pac whisper in your ear, “You loving these hoes nigga!?! M.O.B, WESTSIDE!” nobody drinks thug passion anymore homie, turn your inner Makaveli off and pick up the fucking phone. You don’t have to be lame and put on your Ray J voice and say, “hey I was just thinking about you girl”. But show some interest. You had a good time, let her know you vibe with her. You know what’s going to happen if you don’t? She’s going to think that you don’t fuck with her, and by day three she’s agreed to go out with the other guy who was pressing her. She liked you, but you were too busy being hard. Women do the shit too, yes it is okay for a girl to call a boy—7th grade been over. You’re not going to lose your vagina because you called a guy first. When’s the last time a chick has been brought before a judge and sentenced to hard time because her happy ass decided to dial a number the day after the first date? Gender sanctions are bullshit. Yeah, you don’t want to show him you like him too much, but for the love of $14 movie tickets, let the man know that he’s not wasting his time. Little girls wait; big girls act. Therefore, act like you’re out of the training bra and do what the fuck you want to regardless of how it may seem to the guardian of this make believe Woman’s Rule Book– pick up the phone and call him!
So many compatible people are missing out on each other because they don’t know how to interact around people they really like. You say you’re a perfect boyfriend or you could be the best girlfriend in the world, but how can anyone tell that when you flip from sweet to serial killer 24 hours after the first date?