I saw a grown ass woman on TV praying for a man. This chick had her hands clasped together praying for a good man on some “Are You There God, it’s me Thirsty” type shit. Everyone wants someone. But a relationship should not define your life. I have no problem with women wanting to be in love, but I have big issues with women who are obsessed with being in a relationship just for the sake of saying they’re in one. Drawing hearts, regurgitating love quotes, watching that stupid ass Notebook movie, have a Sunny D if you’re that damn thirsty. “I wish he were here” Who is he!?! Stop living in a fantasy world, no man will ever be the ideal boyfriend you picture when you’re single! You want love, that’s normal. But when you’re in love with the thought of being in love—that’s destructive.
WHY YOUR ASS DESERVES TO BE SINGLE:
YOU ARE ULTRA RATCHET: I have love for my ratchets, they’re down to party in the club with the tags still on their dress and regardless of how little hair they have on their head they can pull that shit into a ponytail. But their are women out there that hit level 36 on the Ratchetmon meter and evolve into the mythical Ultra Ratchet, they have no class, no manners, and they generally don’t want shit out of life. Why would any man want to be in a relationship with a woman who’s always angry, doesn’t work, doesn’t go to school, and her purpose in life is to act out like she’s 15 years old? You know the type that smokes weed around her kids, gets an attitude if you holla at her homegirl and not her, and then starts rumors about everyone who’s happily in love. I don’t care if you have Daddy issues, fuck this “product of my environment” excuse, own up to your insecurities and stop basking in your basicness. How do you expect someone to love you if you clearly don’t love yourself?
SUCKER FOR LOVE: Raise your hand if you’ve given men money, the use of your car, or sex just because he asked. Every minute a sucker is born, and it’s not just men tricking, a woman will come out of pocket fast as hell these days, and won’t even realize she’s being used. Why? Because he dropped those three small words on her. It has nothing to do with her IQ, its game. Some women fall in love with a pretty smile and long dreads and the next thing you know their credit score drops lower than Dionne Warwick’s breasts . If he’s out with his friends in your car and you’re at home updating your Facebook Status, guess who’s in love with whom?
MS. PACMAN: Girls love to be chased, and men love to chase. But what happens when you’re caught? It’s not happily ever after, in two months you’ll be flirting with the new nigga on your job. Your Coochie doesn’t tingle the same way it use to now that you’re fucking the same dude every Saturday night. Your entire swag was built around being a cock tease—now you have dick coming out of your ears. You need the flirting, the slick talk, the “should I or shouldn’t I” feeling that comes when he’s in pursuit of your pussy. I knew this girl who had a boyfriend, would always let me feel her up, but wouldn’t take it further than that because she was “faithful”. You’re letting me rub on your ass and kiss your neck while saying “stop boy, I got a man”. You think he’s cool with that!? Why the fuck do you have a dude if he can’t get you as moist as the wolfish nigga who just wants to use you as a seamen deposit box?
YOU LOVE TO SHAKE YOUR ASS: If you’re in a relationship and you would rather go to the club than sit home and watch a movie with your man— You’re not ready. Boring is not a fact, it’s an opinion. “Oh he’s so boring; he doesn’t want to do anything”. Guess what? If you’re in a real relationship, you don’t have to do shit– literally. The best thing about being handcuffed is that I don’t have to entertain anyone. It’s been times I’ve sat on the couch lost in my own thoughts, she’s sitting there doing her nails, I look up, and she’s smiling. Happy as fuck. That’s love. There is nothing wrong with going out and dancing, but if you’re in the club the same amount of times you were before you had a boyfriend, then what’s the point? If getting pinned against the wall and letting a nigga grind on your ass to the latest Chris Brown track excites you more than a quiet lunch with your dude, you deserve to be single.
YOU’RE LIVING IN THE PAST: Remember such and such who moved away to go to school, you could have married him. Remember such and such you went to prom with, you could have had his baby. Remember such and such who had a girlfriend, he was perfect. GET OVER IT! Michael Jackson is dead, yeah I miss MJ, but you don’t see me playing Billie Jean every god damn day, I got other shit to listen to. Women blow me with this inability to get over past relationships and what could have been. You carry this bullshit into a new relationship and compare everyone to Victor, the nigga who “understood you” but died. That nigga didn’t understand you. It’s your memory of that man that makes him look 7 feet tall when he was really 5”4. How can you honestly say you’re ready to be involved with someone new when you’re constantly looking over your shoulder?
POPULARITY MAKES YOU CUM: Every woman reading this has at least twenty dudes in her phone who want to fuck her, it’s what makes her break her neck every time she gets a text message. She doesn’t give a fuck if Tasha is off work; she’s worried about if one of her “friends” is hitting her up. If I were a female I would have a 100 niggas in my phone and be constantly entertained by the attention they shower on me. But if you have a boyfriend guess what, he’s not having that shit. You better not even say happy birthday to a nigga in your phonebook if you belong to me. Women don’t always understand that, “we’re just friends, what’s the big deal”. Don’t be naïve, you don’t crack a smile when a homegirl texts you, but when a homeboy texts you you’re Heath Ledger. It may be innocent to you, but their is a limit to how much of you gets shared with other men. There is a difference between flirting and fixating, and if you can’t wait to get off the phone with your so called boo so you can see what some other nigga just wrote you, you deserve to be single.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAKING LOVE AND FUCKING: What do you like about your boyfriend? What makes you love him? Go ahead and answer in your head… you’re lying. You don’t give a fuck about the conversations you have because his dumb ass can’t speak without using double negatives. You like the dick. Just say it.You are in a relationship because you want to fuck and fuck often. You’re not going out to art exhibits, you’re not taking in an NBA game, you are at home getting long dicked while a Golden Girl rerun plays in the background. Sex is fun, we all like it, but a relationship isn’t built on sex alone. You’re telling yourself you love this guy, but you don’t know anything about him except that his mother’s name is Janet and he likes to run his tongue from your clit down to your ass when he goes to eat it. I’m sorry if this is the first guy who ever made you cum, but that doesn’t make him the Romeo to your Juliet. A relationship built on nut busting is thinner than Naomi Campbell’s edges. You’re not in a relationship, you’re in a gonzo. Try holding the coochie back a week and see how many times you argue, suddenly you realize that this dude isn’t compatible. If all you want is sex why complicate it? That’s right, you don’t want your friends to judge you so you have to hide your freakiness under some flimsy relationship.
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT: Why do you want a boyfriend? Because your ex moved on? Because your bestie wants to double date? Because it’s raining and your feet are cold and you could use a man to snuggle? You’re being an ass. Do you know what you have? Freedom! You can go anywhere you want to. You can talk to anyone you want to? You can flirt, you can fuck, you make him eat you out in the backseat of the car and you don’t have to answer to anyone! Being single is great! Who gives a fuck about being bored? Netflix is streaming hoe! Do you really want some dirty nigga snoring in your ear at night, farting on top of you? The arguments over nothing, the ex-girlfriend drama, competing with the Xbox, wondering if he likes you or if he likes the way you ride dick? Before you jumped in a relationship did you ask yourself—What do I really want? You have a million things you want to do with your life, but as soon as the first nigga with tats and a driver’s license hollas at you, your list dwindles down to one. It’s no longer about what you want to do with your life; it’s about what he’s doing… Where he’s at… Why he isn’t calling you… Now you hate men, you hate being in a relationship blah blah fucking blah. You found the lamp, the Genie popped out, you wished that you could see yourself happy. He gives you a picture of yourself in Kindergarten. Now you’re pissed because that wish was a waste. Men are Genies. You can’t be mad at the man for giving you a shitty relationship, you’re the one that asked for it without taking the time to think about what it really meant. What’s worse than being single? Being in a fucked up relationship. Appreciate what you have and stop wishing for something you’re not ready for.