Hundreds of Hoes dressed in skin tight clothing and six inch heels. Synthetic Hair and eye lashes faker than a four dollar bill. Men lined up from wall to wall, their head in a tizzy, not knowing which ass to stare at. No, this is not the club, it’s the mall. All Star Weekend has come and gone and hurricane Ka-Ratchet hit Los Angeles with the force of a Gabourey Sidibe lap dance.  As we walked the mall, somewhere between Wet Seal and the Pinkberry, I had an epiphany. Life would suck without Hoes.
I’m sick of people bad mouthing Hoes. It’s so easy to judge a Hoe; no one wants to understand these Hoes. So I want to give a shout out to the Hoes who came out to LA this weekend and wore short skirts in the rain. The Hoes that did their homework and studied the roster of every NBA team so they wouldn’t get fooled by some random tall nigga. Can I give a round of applause to the beautiful bitches who packed into hotel rooms four to a bed, and extra kudos to the fat friend who paid extra and still ended up sleeping on the floor? Let’s stand up for the naïve eye candy that stood outside the Highlands with only $20 in her fake Louie Bag hoping that her looks would get her into the club the same way it has in her hometown. Let’s hear it for the freaks who unselfishly fucked a broke nigga because there was nothing else to do after leaving Roscoe’s. But truthfully this blog is dedicated to the bad hoes who fucked an NBA player so good that she’s now being flown out to Miami for round 2…  may his seamen bless you with your own VH1 show. Women are quick to classify other women as Hoes. No woman says she’s a Hoe, but a lot of you allow yourselves to be treated like a Hoe. The Hoe is not the bad guy, in her mind she’s just “getting hers”. Maybe the public school system failed her and now she’s trying to come up on something that will make her life easier. I respect Hoes more than I respect freaks who give it up for free. If you’re going to get smutted out, why not get something out of the deal?

Dumb Bitches: Fuck you because you’re cute or have a nice car.

Ladies: Fuck you after you’ve earned their trust and have committed yourself to her and only her.

Hoes: Fuck you because of money or status.

All females break down into those categories. Take a minute and think about which one you are… Not all of you are ladies… you don’t have to tell me, but be honest with yourself.

   Most girls have been the dumb bitch when they were young and then graduated to being a Lady or a Hoe. Universities are crammed with dumb bitches, high GPA— but she’ll sleep with damn near any guy, that’s why college parties are so jumping. Experience with asshole men will cure any girl of being a Dumb Bitch– hopefully. But If you’re 22 years old and still giving up free pussy then you have no right to make Hoe jokes, you’re worse than a Hoe.
   Classy ladies hate Hoes because we men LOVE them. You know why women say shit like, “I’m dressing like a Hoe tonight”? Because Hoes have the most fun in life. They can throw on the tightest outfit they can find; walk stank, and make your man ignore what you’re saying just to sneak a peek. And if you’re not around she’s equipped with the tools to take him from you or get in his pockets for the money he was going to spend on you. Hoes are AWESOME! A lot of guys want to be gangstas but they don’t want to bust a gun. A lot of women really want to be Hoes but they don’t want to be judged. This girl once said, “Can we get a day without hoes”. Do you know how boring that would be? Hoes are the reason we get fresh. Hoes are the reason we buy nice cars. Without hoes niggas would walk around with no haircut and rocking pajama pants. What would rappers write about? No straight man gives a fuck about a Louie Vuitton Belt? But they wear it for the Hoes. We want the biggest and brightest because Hoes are attracted to shit that glitters. Ladies like nice things, but they’re not going to fuck you off the strength of your watch—but a Hoe will drain your nut sack if you’re rocking that Mueller properly. We live in a world where you can give a Hoe a ride to the mall and she’ll fuck you—think about that.  Ladies ask too many fucking questions, like where you work, if you have any kids, and have a list of “Deal Breakers”. Hoes don’t care if you’re out of work or trapping, as long as you have gas in that Lexus and money to feed her.
    There’s a debate in Black culture, “Can you turn a hoe Into a Housewife”. Most say no. YOU’RE FUCKING RETARDED. Do you realize that your mother, aunt, or godmother was probably a Hoe in her day? A lot of you girls that are currently in relationships– your man has no idea that you use to Hoe. By Hoe I don’t mean an exchange of greenbacks… you’ve done something in order to get something in return, maybe you don’t talk about it, or you blame it on liquor, but you did it. So don’t sit up and judge another female when you’re fucking a man that’s not your boyfriend because he took you to see an Adam Sandler movie. One of my best friends was at a party, this guy was trying to push up on her the entire night, she wasn’t feeling him so she ignored. Finally dude did what any thirsty nigga would do; he put his money where his mouth was. “I’ll give you $500 if you suck my dick”. Of course she did it! She said she went to bathroom, put the money in her purse, sucked his dick for literally ten seconds, got up, and walked out. I died laughing, “he said suck it, he didn’t say how long”. She will never tell the man she’s going to marry that story. Her future children will NEVER know about any of the times she’s fucked for money. Hoes are like The Bride from Kill Bill. When funds are low, best believe she can pull out the Hanzo sword pussy, come out of retirement, and use years of hoe knowledge to get that money she needs to keep her family living well. Being a Hoe is a trade they can’t teach in school, and unlike that paralegal certificate you wasted your time getting it can make you an endless amount of money.
   7 out of 10 girls are hoes or have been hoes in the past. Don’t be upset. You know which percent you fall into. There are many subcategories of hoes, just like Bubba Gump broke down shrimp; Hoes too can come in many forms. Pay My Rent Hoe, Too Much To Drink Hoe, Summer Time Hoe, In Another City Hoe, My Man Made Me Mad Hoe, Groupie Hoe, or the professional “I need money up front” Hoe. Whatever category you are in make sure you’re a not a dumb hoe. Dumb hoes are the ones you know about, Smart hoes move in silence. No one should ever know who you’re fucking or what you’re getting out of them. Don’t be a Discount Hoe either. Most niggas aren’t balling so they only fuck with Discount Hoes, those girls who fuck for Red Lobster biscuits and a pack of yaki hair. When I was in the mall observing these All Star Weekend Hoes I could take one look and tell what level of Hoe she was. A lot of niggas were hollering at Hoes that were out of their price range. You really think a girl that looks that good with a body that banging came all the way to LA to go back to your crib in Hawthorne and smoke weed??? I didn’t see one bad bitch stop at the cry of “Ay what’s ya name”. A real hoe doesn’t get pulled; she sizes you up then PULLS YOU. Those are the hoes I respect. You flew out to All Star Weekend and you don’t even like Basketball? You’re a Hoe. But let’s not disrespect the Smart Hoes by categorizing them with the freaks and Discount Hoes that were also out in these streets. “Girl I shut down LA, I ain’t even pay to get in the club”bitch you didn’t shut anything down but your immune system when you fucked that dude raw because he said he was Lupe Fiasco’s road manager. Smart Hoes don’t do that. A Smart Hoe will go back home on Monday to her boyfriend, kiss him passionately, tell him how much she missed him and how wack LA was. She doesn’t need to brag to local girls about the Diddy party she got in for free, the nigga from the Clippers who broke her off with a few dollars, or the lame nigga who paid for her hotel room and didn’t even get a hand job. Hoes know the game, and hoes know how to survive. It’s the oldest profession in the world.
Ask your mother how many trips to Miami she took before you were born? No, don’t ask that because I don’t think any of us want to know. But the point is, Hoes don’t fade into the darkness once they hit age 40. What happened to the Hoes from the 2001 All Star Weekend? Where are the girls from the 2 Live Crew videos from the early 90’s? They are mothers and wives. You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife? Look at your family tree, before you make such an ignorant statement.

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