I was recently talking to someone who thought Cuffing Season was a joke, a funny saying that wasn’t actually practiced. The idea of  shacking up for the winter months does sound like some shit a middle school student created, but it’s real. Even before the term “Cuffing Season” became popular dudes were going hard in November and December to pull a chick they could pipe until it was warm enough to hit the club and re-up on new pussy again. For men it’s the best time of the year to approach women. Those chicks who would have been out of your league in July, will now give you a chance because winter brings with it the boredom of staying indoors and/or the thirst to have someone to spend the holidays with. No girl wants to be the one who can’t write “Spending New Years Eve with Him” on that Facebook wall, therefore bored women with limited options would rather settle around this time than be alone. If a guy is prepared for the season he can come away with a dime, it may cost him a Christmas present, but a Gucci bag is a small price to pay if it keeps that Gabrielle Union look alike coming over to chill. For those who are more concerned with sex than looks, there are plenty of Butta faces to be exploited sexually. I heard one dude joke, “She got the type of face built for winter“. The shallowest guys will hook up with busted chicks they normally wouldn’t be caught dead with because during Cuffing Season homie can hide her ass indoors and blame it on the weather. No matter if you’re a thirsty dude who struggles to get girls or a Chris Brown type, you can use a woman’s want to have someone to call her own during the holiday season to  get all kinds of ass, then easily transition back to being single after the winter’s up and her pussy expires. There is absolutely no reason for anyone with a penis to take an L this time of year.

What about the women? Why are they the ones being exploited and not doing the exploiting during Cuffing Season? A woman’s power is increased now more than ever. Men are in a panic to lock something down before it’s too late, because dudes don’t want to be left with their tired ex-girlfriends or beating off to Pinky porn from ’08. Despite holding all the cards, I get a sense that even those ladies who know about c-season still fall for the trap. Normally cautious women are blindsided by relationship fever once the temperature drops and they can’t tell those men who are honestly trying to be with them from those men who are just using them for a few months. Cuffing Season doesn’t make it okay to suspend your self-respect. No matter how excited you are at the thought of having a Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s day boo, you have to continue to know your value and not sell yourself at Wal-Mart prices for a little attention.

Know What He Wants

No attractive men were approaching you… then suddenly your type of guys are on your heels. It’s not that new hair color or the 2 pounds you lost since last week, they’re trying to line something up. Do not fool yourself into thinking these men are looking for a nice sweet girl to exchange gifts with and kiss under the mistletoe. Guys don’t suddenly change their objective after Thanksgiving and say, “I’m so sick of new pussy, let me get in a monogamous relationship so I can cuddle and watch Disney movies“. He’s trying to hibernate in your vagina and will promise the moon to you to accomplish this. Don’t get open and flatter yourself thinking you’ve finally found a boo who likes you for you, these dudes today are built for Cuffing Season like rednecks are built for hunting season. You’ve been preyed upon like a fucking elk, so learn to see past camouflage or it’s a wrap. Until any man proves that he is not full of shit, assume he’s a walking colostomy bag. He could be one of the nice ones… but you still have to make him show you proof. The average player is going to lay on the ass kissing extra thick. He will be attentive, caring, and even start gassing you up with NYE plans. Use your common sense; if you’ve been talking to this dude for a few weeks and he’s talking about tricking a trip to Vegas on you, but hasn’t even tricked a trip to Friday’s, he’s full of it. This man thinks asking, “What you want for Christmas, bay?” is guaranteed to have his dick in your mouth- do not get open. The purpose of all of this brown nosing is to get you comfortable with being his girl and hyped with the high expectations that are to come. We men know that even if we end up giving you a $20 Forever 21 giftcard for Christmas and taking you over our Cousin’s crib to watch Ryan Seacrest countdown the New Year instead of hitting up Vegas, you still won’t complain. Not having options means that you can be mad all you want, but you will take what you get. You’re not going to jump ship after you’ve told your single, lonely ass girlfriends, “I’m glad I have a friend this year, girl, being single is the worst“. You can’t stop talking to that man now that you’ve rubbed him in the faces of friends and family and broadcast him to social media. Your ego will force you to stick in there, use that gift card and pretend that his cousin’s NYE party in the basement was turned up. Avoid the trap, fuck the holidays, and fuck what other people will say if you’re alone again this year. It’s better to buy a vibrator for Christmas and spend NYE counting down self-induced orgasms, than to saddle yourself with a liar who will drop you as soon as the Groundhog comes out.

Know What You Want

Let’s keep it real, some girls just want to fuck. If you’re looking for a little Winter Wonder Dick, that’s cool, 17 don’t judge. Ladies on the creep don’t lie to yourself- prepare yourself. Katniss didn’t go after the knife when the Hunger Games began, she ran after the bow because that’s what she was good at. During Cuffing Season play to your strengths when going after a man- sex appeal. If there was ever a time not to sit back and wait to be approached it’s now. You don’t have time to be patient, the clock is ticking and it’s time to check your breath, fix your hair, push your tits up, and walk over to the best looking guy in the place. So what if he thinks you’re a hoe by being that aggressive, actions erase perceptions. Tease him long enough and you’ll go from being a hoe in his mind to being a must have. Don’t fuck him just yet; maybe get a look at his penis on the first date, so you know you’re not wasting Cuffing Season with Tiny Tim. This is about you, he’s just your slut, but don’t get horny and give up all the control too fast. You want exclusive sex for the next few months not a one night stand, therefore take a few weeks to get him on your clit to the point where you’re the only girl he’s seeing before you fuck him for the first time. You don’t want to share dick with another girl and get crabs for Christmas or VD for Valentine’s Day. Once he’s eating out of your hands and in lust, give him that Yuletide yanking, and get your rocks off for the rest of the season. When spring hits, do what the guys do- Get too busy to return calls.

Let’s say you’re on the other side and aren’t looking to have meaningless sex with some tall guy who still wears hooping shorts in the winter. You want a relationship that can grow during these months and blossom into something real come spring. Set your value, and regardless of how cold it gets or how sweet that Christmas gift is, learn how to keep your legs closed. Having hibernated with cave coochie myself, let me say that while sex never gets boring, that person does. Men will play something out quickly if they know they only have a set time with it. For example, a young dude who’s pumped because he’s spending the night with his chick for the first time will smash like four times throughout the night and two more times in the morning because he’s overly excited. A guy who’s having his first Cuffing Season with you and starts to hit it, knows that this isn’t going to last, so just like that young dude, he will over compensate. A month in, he could be liking you a lot and thinking of you as real love, but a month after that, he’s burnt out on you because he’s trying to cram too much in too soon… no pun intended. I’m not saying abstain from sex; you’re not going to be that strong. The remedy is to make him earn it, and then ration the pussy. There is no reason to give him 24-7 access after the first time you have sex. Ladies, you are allowed to turn him down. If he’s getting it whenever he asks for it, he won’t value it as much. No matter how good it was, or how horny you get, set your own sex schedule. When Cuffing Season ends, he won’t be burnt out, your pussy won’t have fully expired, and most importantly, you would have spent more time getting to know each other with your clothes on.

Get Out While You Can

Don’t let these guys Cyber Monday your pussy! You’re Black Friday, the deal of the season, don’t sit around and settle for internet thirst. There are a lot of men on Facebook and Twitter who are lazy and aren’t trying to go out and find those deal buster chicks, they would rather search the net for basic bitches that they can hit with a few IG comments, send a Dick pic to, then lay up with. I’m not saying you can’t find a boo online, but unless Catfish cameras are paying to follow your story, the internet shouldn’t be your main base of operation. Get out while the weather’s still bearable, or for those in warmer climates, get out before all the good prospects are boo’d up. Don’t be the person at the club on Christmas Eve bussing it open for the leftover men who either have failed at Cuffing Season or are just too cheap to commit before January.

Give Shitty Christmas Gifts

If you’re buying that dude anything with three digits before .99, you’re doing too much. A $299.99, video game system. A $499.99 ipad. A pair of $199.99 Nikes. What the fuck are you thinking? I don’t care if he’s been fucking you into a state of seizures, eating your ass like you shit lemon pepper, or told you he’s never been in love like this before. Do not pump that man’s head up by tricking on him. Do you know what happens to welfare kids who are spoiled by their flossing mothers? They grow up not appreciating the value of money, and live above their means because they think having $120 in the bank and a Gucci Belt isn’t being poor. Large gifts are the foundation for unrealistic expectations. If you spoil a guy you’re just getting to know, he won’t appreciate it, he’ll think he deserves it going forward. He’s not going to give you shit over $50 regardless, what he’ll do to show you his appreciation is have sex with you as usual… his enjoyment rewrapped as a gift to you. I know you want to be nice and sweet and show him how much you appreciate him, but the first Christmas or first Birthday is not the time to be buying watches. I don’t care how much money you have, buy him a used video game, he’ll be just as happy but without the call to the homie saying, “this bitch is on my dick, cuzo, she bought me some Dre Beats“.

The Season Lasts As Long As You Want It

No matter if you are the girl who’s just trying to get in-house dick or the girl who wants love, you don’t have to accept that Cuffing Season ends as soon as it’s warm enough to throw on sandals. If you made a real connection, keep it going by communicating that with words, not weak ass hints. Don’t assume that because your boy is going back to college or will be busier with work that the relationship is now over. Stop being afraid of rejection and let him know how you feel. He can’t read your mind and the only reason he may be falling back is because he thinks that’s what you want. Remember, seasonal relationships only exists in your head, there are no real limits that stop you from cuffing 12 months out of the year. Enjoy Cuffing Season, don’t trust anyone, and may the odds be forever in your favor.

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