Your heart wasn’t the first heart to be broken, but to listen to you carry on about all the ways you’ve been hurt you would think you invented pain. Here’s a rude awakening: Your high school love that was with you for all those years, went through that pregnancy scare with you, only to leave you after graduation—he’s nothing new. That kid at your university who understood you on an adult level, showed you his vulnerability, swore you were his soul mate, only to stop calling after one summer with no explanation—he’s the norm. You stood by a man who was broke or struggling, and expected loyalty that never came—get in line. You fell for a man who proved himself your equal and all you asked for was his love, but he gave it to another bitch behind your back for reasons you can’t figure out—join the club. You had a kid by a man that used to be so sweet and loving, and now your blood boils at the mention of his name because he switched up and abandoned you—where have we heard that before? Betrayal, growing apart, falling out of love, realizing that he never really loved you on that unconditional level, it’s not unique. Your play may have a few different lines and scenes, but it’s the same damn production every woman has or will go through. The answer isn’t to be cynical and go through life expecting to be curved, but when it does happen you can choose to rebound instead of run.
The difference between those women that conquer heartbreak and grow stronger, and the ones who bitterly hold on to that hurt has nothing to do with DNA. Your Daddy never told you men sell girls dreams like every day is Black Friday, oh well! Her Daddy never told her either, but she figured it out, adjusted, and now eats men for breakfast! Her mental toughness isn’t an exception, but your mental weakness makes excuses as if other women are embedded with special “zero fucks given” microchips. No one skipped over you and forgot to give you strength, you CHOOSE to be soft because being strong requires actual work. For every weak bitch problem I hear, I know a Strong Woman example where a female overcame a man’s bullshit by not crumbling into a victim. A strong woman doesn’t revel in pity, she pushes on. A strong woman doesn’t make excuses for her mistakes, she makes amends. A strong woman doesn’t take her heart and run home, she stays in the game and dares a nigga to try to fool her the same way twice! A Spartan isn’t born with a strong heart, she develops it!
The majority of women reading this have an explanation for every bad relationship they’ve been though, a side of the story that will garner sympathy and support, and make her an exception to the rules of love. Bitch, please. Your story is undoubtedly the same as thousands of women across this planet, and it’s time to stop pointing the finger at the man, the situation, or yourself, and move the hell on. Here’s the fucked up thing, millions of women believe the best way to move on is to pretend they never got hurt in the first place. I wrote about Tank Girls (Someone broke it down way better than me Here), these women who conceal and don’t feel, because they’re deathly afraid of putting their hearts on the line again. Whereas a Relationship Girl will keep trying to force love because she can’t live without a man, a Tank Girl puts caution tape around her heart, and gives up on love. It sounds cool in theory: Act like a boy, be emotionally detached, don’t have too many female friends, fuck dudes like they’re the hoes, and cut everyone off before they get attached. It sounds progressive and empowering, but it’s built on a lie. That kind of cold-hearted confidence comes from fear, not from being self-secure. Men are the enemy, so you weaponize your heart and use them before they can use you. Eventually that armor begins to weigh you down and keeps your love life stagnant. You will then realize that not only have you pushed the “ain’t shit” dudes away, you pushed the great ones away as well. When a girl is fueled by fear, she can’t discriminate between “nice” men and “evil” men, all men blur into this one race who wants to fuck and exploit her. To let one man back into your heart is to let all men back into your heart, and for someone that’s been dragged through hell, that’s not something you can allow because you may never recover.
I can’t handle heartbreak, I can’t trust any of these niggas, I’m too sensitive to deal with rejection wah wah wah. Grow the fuck up and get your head back into the game. Spartans don’t need to hide behind bullshit armor, their skin is thick and their insecurities are plugged. When I talk about being a Spartan, it’s about taking control of your life, being decisive, and letting any man or woman that wants to be a part of your kingdom know that your standards are high and uncompromising. You achieve that status by knowing who you are, flaws and all, and killing all the fear that’s holding you back, even if that fear is gassing you into thinking you’re strong. Spartanhood is not some weak bitch reactionary mode where you pretend to be cold and isolated because you’re afraid to get hurt. Damn near every woman I email advice with always wants an emotional safety net. They want the fool proof way to see through a man’s bullshit the first day they meet him so they don’t get hurt. I will give you personal advice and explain what not to do all day long, it’s easy to see through male bullshit, but YOU have to be willing to put in the work when you’re face to face with that man, not curl into a ball of frustration and apathy. “Niggas is just dick, I’m focusing on this money, you dumb hoes still putting faith in love, ha!” Tank Girls swear they have it all figured out because they choose not to participate, but you don’t win by not playing! I may not be able to spell Karuchi properly, but I can spell bullshit, as in your cynical enlightenment is BULLSHIT. Hiding from love as if you’re above love is not the solution. Go ahead and be sarcastic and roll your eyes as if you’re more elite than every other girl in the world, but you know that’s a mask. Looking down on Basicas in bad relationships is easy, how about taking a hard look at why you’re so smart and pretty yet your relationships have all failed? You have been hurt, I get that, but NO ONE gives a fuck about your pain. We live in a world where the only person you can rely on to pick you up is YOU. You must go through pain in order to conquer your fear, and in the end fire forges steel, not hugs.
What if you scrape your knee and there is no Father figure there to pick you up and give you tough love? What if you grow up listening to your mother shit on the man that helped create you to the point it gives you a complex about males? What if you grow up surrounded by other little girls who are the apple of their Daddy’s eye, and no one wants to explain the exact reasons why you don’t have a father around to treat you that way? It’s sad, it’s tragic, it’s not how life should go, but it is how life HAS gone, so either you keep focusing on “I never had that,” or you address it, make peace with that past, and keep going. So many grown women refuse to address the first 10-15 years of their lives because all they see is what they were lacking by not having a father in the home or having a father that didn’t do his job when he was home. In Black households especially, it’s taboo to talk about real feelings in terms of rejection. We tend to look at mothers as superheroes but in reality they are human. No one teaches young mothers how to talk about the fact that the man she got pregnant by left because he didn’t love her, so she talks shit or ignores his existence all together. No one teaches abused wives that it’s better to leave the man she still loves, rather than raise children in that environment. Like many of you, your mother’s were nothing more than confused girls trying to figure out how to be strong women. There was this scene on Love & Hip Hop Breast Implants Hollywood, where Omarion’s baby’s mother had this big emotional come to Jesus moment with her mom about her dad. The mother still couldn’t talk about it, because no matter what age you reach, people are afraid to confront their past mistakes!
If you don’t talk about the negatives, then you don’t have any negatives—wrong! Daddy issues will manifest in your love life over and over again, unless you take the time to revisit those ghosts. That guy who does the push-and-pull tactic, will continue to pop in and out of your life because he fulfills your idea of what real love is, as shown by your father. The nice guy who wants to spoil you will never be good enough because he’s showing you love that you don’t know how to handle because that’s not the male love you understand. This has nothing to do with the stereotypes of strippers, nymphos, or slutty dressing attention whores, most Daddy issues are silent killers that are resting inside seemingly normal women. It takes real honesty to connect the dots, but this trauma stays beneath the surface because no woman wants to seem like she’s weak and affected by her childhood. Opening up is the most courageous thing anyone can do, and it’s the #1 way to put your mind at rest. I can go through a book listing all the scenarios I see where you would never think that current attitudes had anything to do with a girl’s father, but as soon as I ask them about their Dads, it all comes pouring out. The point is, don’t bottle up your past and play warrior queen as if none of that shit bothers you, because the proof is in where your life is currently.
“It’s not that easy for me to get over betrayal, I love hard.” Bish Whet? And the rest of the world loves soft? Again, this piss poor excuse that your heart somehow beats different than others is fraudulent. You want to grab on to some disease of the soul that proves that you’re more sensitive and it’s harder for you to get over being rejected. No one gets over heartbreak easy, no one wants to open up with new people and risk being played—men included! Someone said, “Men make it look so easy when they move on.” Okay, and Tom Brady makes it easy when he bounces back from a loss, doesn’t mean he’s a fucking cyborg. The truth is, you have to be an adult and show patience and caution when dating, not simply decide not to participate like a little brat. As men we can go on a date the next week after getting out of a two year relationship, laugh it up, try to smash, and open up about that last relationship. That doesn’t mean we’re cured of our hurt and trust that new woman. What we don’t do is assume that this new bitch gives a fuck about us on a real level. Men will put their dicks in a girl way before they put their trust in one, because we understand the process of getting to know a person has little to do with the physical. No one is worthy of your trust until they prove themselves worthy. Time + Effort = Proof. Paying for a meal and taking you to see Gone Girl, doesn’t count as being there. A nigga with his hand on your thigh, telling you, “I hate niggas like your ex,” doesn’t mean he’s different. “See this is what I mean, it’s so hard to know if I’m dating the right way or the wrong way,” is the response a lot of you indecisive women will give. You don’t want to work to vet these men, so you rant about how men need to be more honest. The average man will never be fully honest, so stop being lazy! How hard is it to go on a date, ask questions, and NOT let a nigga stick his dick in you because he pulled your chair out and asked about your day??? It blows my mind how girls with the most trust issues tend to be the most trusting! Make men put in work and you won’t get hurt—facts.
Funny Story Alert: This girl, let’s call her Lucy was taking it slow emotionally because her last boyfriend cheated on her with her cousin, real messy shit. Instead of taking a break, and dealing with that betrayal in a real way, she became this, “Fuck men” chick. However, she was still accepting numbers because as she put it, “I was bored and used to having someone to talk to at night.” Lucy was full of shit, she was lonely and hurting, but wanted to fake tough… anyway she ended up giving her number to this guy, let’s call him Tim. Lucy was extremely hard on Tim she admitted, even their sex life was mean as she developed this fetish for saying demeaning shit while she fucked him to make him feel small and make herself feel powerful. Tim must have been into femdom because he stayed, but he wanted her on a relationship level, not just sex. Finally, Tim pushed too far and gave Lucy an ultimatum. He was going to have to move on if she wasn’t trying to be exclusive. Take note fellas, you can’t give a girl with trust issues ultimatums! The moment you threaten to abandon her because she won’t do something, she sees that threat as proof that you don’t really care because your actions are saying that she is easy to walk away from. It sounds crazy, but damaged women rarely make sense. But anyway, Tim makes the ultimatum, and Lucy shuts down and blocks him. She ran before she could get hurt, because she was deathly afraid of being someone’s “girlfriend” and the pressure that comes with the title. So sweet but naïve Tim, calls Lucy’s sister asking her to be the middleman. The sister decides to play matchmaker a few weeks later when she and Lucy are both at Mom’s crib. Lucy’s sister decides to surprise Lucy by having Tim drive over and talk to her. Tim doesn’t pick up the sister’s secret call to come over, but he calls back later when the sister is away from her phone. Guess who sees the callback? Lucy BLACKS OUT, thinks the sister is fucking Tim, and makes a messy scene at her mother’s house where she basically calls her sister every name in the book and permanently ruins their sisterly bond.
From Lucy’s perspective, she couldn’t help but act that way given the fact that her cousin just had an affair with her longtime boyfriend less than a year ago. Lucy wanted me to see that she had every right to flip out. It was her sister’s fault for getting in her business. It was the guy’s fault for giving her an ultimatum. It was her exes fault for giving her this complex to begin with. If the Blame Game was an app, it’d have more downloads than Candy Crush. In actuality, Lucy created an entirely new mess because she refused to confront those past feelings, heal, and start fresh. It’s Murphy’s Law, what possibly can go wrong will go wrong, but it’s a self-made curse, not the law of the Universe. There is this modern idea that you deserve it when bad things happen to you. The world is against you because of Karma, the position of Jupiter, whatever. You’re looking for all of these outside reasons because you’re afraid to look inside. You are going through hell because you expect to go through hell. When you live life on the defensive, you will always find yourself in a position to be defensive. You’re subconsciously creating drama by expecting drama, and that’s not some metaphysical shit that has to do with your horoscope, that’s factual shit that has to do with your toxic mental state. You can’t get over Trust Issues in a week, but you begin by trusting yourself to live and love without the cloud of prejudging the outcome of new relationships based on your past.
That Chip on Your Shoulder
If your father couldn’t even love you unconditionally, and you share the same blood, then why would a random man stick around and get to know you? You took your time and waited until you were 100% sure to give your heart away to your boyfriend, and he still walked out on you, knowing all you’ve been through… how can you trust again? Even your closest friends don’t reciprocate; you break your neck for your girls and hold them down, but when you’re in need, they don’t even care enough to ask why you have an attitude or are acting different. It feels as if no one genuinely cares about you beyond what you can do for them, and every night you feel like breaking down because you don’t deserve it. Embrace that reality and take inventory of all the ways your life sucks… then when you’re done complaining, do something about it. Stop sitting there with your resting bitch face, your passive aggressive attitude, your matter-of-fact tone, as if the world owes you something. I repeat, no one gives a fuck about you and they don’t need to give a fuck about you. This idea that you’re owed love because Nemo’s father loved him retarded fin and all, is imaginary. People compare their situations to everyone else’s as if every life should go the same way. You can’t control who loves you or stress about the lack of love in your life. Your only job is to love yourself.
I don’t want to hear excuses about, “I don’t know how to do that because nobody has loved me first.” Fuck outside opinion! You need to see the greatness in you before anyone else will ever project it back! Paying your parent’s rent isn’t going to make them shower you with the love you’ve always wanted as a child, hell, you probably won’t even get a thank you. Fucking some guy and helping him balance his budget isn’t going to make him see you as wifey, he’s going to bust his nut and go right back to fucking some Thot that doesn’t even know what a spreadsheet is. You can’t go chasing after love and validation, nor should you drop out emotionally because things haven’t gone your way. Stop doing for others, and start doing for your damn self! Women find it so hard to be selfish because this patriarchal society has demanded that females sacrifice in order to be appreciated. You now are at the age where you understand that treating others how you wish to be treated only leads to motherfuckers getting comfortable with you being a doormat.
“Trying To Be A Man Is A Waste of A Woman”
Are you going to be a victim or are you a Spartan? Are you going to keep fronting like you’re good being alone, being distrusting, and live life from the security of your icebox, or are you going to step outside that comfort zone and face the fire? Have a chip on your shoulder, but use it to fuel progress in order to better yourself. Your mother may not be able to forgive herself for your father’s wrongs, but you can forgive both of them because you know their decisions have nothing to do with you not being wanted or not being good enough. Men are going to come sniffing for pussy and tell you all the ways they love you, but you won’t be gamed because you don’t have a burning desire for a male’s love– your love is enough. Unlike these confused chicks who desperately need to be held down and appreciated, you can take your time to test these niggas loyalty and affection over weeks and months. You don’t need to perform for these men like its show and tell, sucking their dicks to prove that you’re a mouth gawd, riding it backwards to prove that your pussy yanks, listing your career and credit score to prove that you are intelligent and responsible. A real boss bitch could introduce herself like, “My pussy is trash and I don’t know any state capitals, but after 20 minutes of talking to me you’ll be blowing up my phone for the rest of your life!” Once you are truly secure, you don’t need to prove shit to any man, the way you carry yourself makes it evident! Life isn’t a fair fight, but you don’t cry a river and drown in it or bury yourself under attitude and bitterness. Focus on what life is teaching you, not what it’s taking away from you. Dare to be in a state of constant improvement not endless blaming. Spartan Queens aren’t given crowns, they’re proven worthy of them, so prove your worth!