Year in and year out, I see the same exact fallout when men and women date as if it’s the finish line, not the starting line. You meet someone that checks a few boxes on your list, begin to see them weekly, the butterflies give way to smiles, and for the first time in months you’re happy so you put your feet up like—that’s bae y’all! They fall back on your happy ass, often without reason, and you feel that you just wasted all that time on someone who misled you. Go boo-hoo to your friends that you’re the victim of yet another immature asshole, go swear off love and fake pretend to be working on yourself, doesn’t matter what your initial reaction is, next year is going to be more of the same as you fall into the same exact trap. Every email I read or conversation I have where this happens has one common denominator—It was never official, but you took yourself off the market and were doing the most as if someone agreed to a genuine commitment.
Dating is not an official relationship
Talking is not an official relationship
You are SINGLE, no one has exclusive rights until YOU make it official
Until then, stop feeling guilty for dating more than one person at a time
By “official” I mean that you two have agreed to be in a monogamous romantic relationship. Back in the 50’s it was called Going Steady, which evolved into We go together. Titles, like promise rings, don’t mean shit legally. You’re single until you’re married, but in terms of action, most stop being single the moment they agree to that title of girlfriend or boyfriend. Are those titles outdated? Maybe, but it’s the ONLY verbal confirmation you have that denotes loyalty. For instance, a lot of women have never had a man (who they really wanted) ask to be their boyfriend, so they assume that dating consistently is the same thing as being exclusive… until that man reminds her that he’s single and not ready for all of that. Place yourself in the shoes of a woman that’s living on an assumption, then has the rug pulled out from under her feet? That confession breaks your heart and you go on a rant about how men aren’t shit, but it’s not about being “ain’t shit” it’s about assuming that dating, talking, or whatever the fuck your silly ass labels it, was indeed a relationship deep enough for loyalty.
Ignorance: I thought that anytime a man spends time with you, dates you, and talks about a future with you that it means you’re official.
Naïve: We don’t have to confirm our relationship as official with a stupid title, his actions prove that we’re together.
Deceit: I’ll treat her like a girlfriend, but never say that she’s my girl, that way I keep other men away and retain my freedom to move on if someone better pops up.
Far too many men are deceitful and far too many women are naïve or ignorant to the nature of their relationships. Enter trust issue: I claim I’m not looking for anything serious…but I’m just afraid to admit it. Enter defensive attitudes: People give out titles everyday and still get cheated on, so I’m being fake smart by accepting a glorified situationship. It’s not just the damaged, even well adjusted men and women stumble around the process of turning dating into something real. A lot of guys don’t know how to lay claim, so they wait until someone else says, “Is that your girl” to confirm it. A lot of girls don’t know how to move to that next official level, so they beat around the bush or drop hints to test, “are we together?” The point is, this generation is afraid to use their fucking words to get into an official relationship, so they have created these code words that keep each other guessing. Today’s world is a buffet of new pussy and new dick, and a lot less people want to fully commit when they know they can do better or continue to have fun under the protection of “we’re building”.
What determines an official relationship? Taking someone’s phone number isn’t a relationship. Everyone can agree on that. Texting or calling someone for a week isn’t a relationship. Everyone can agree on that. Going over someone’s house to chill or going out with them to eat isn’t a relationship—Ah-ha! This is where it gets murky for a lot of people. Most of you date one person at a time. Meaning that after one or two dates, you assume it’s a relationship because that person takes up all your time and is leading you with their words to believe that this is going to be something special and deep. Let’s debunk that myth, because a lot of you think you’re in actual relationships with someone that views you as a placeholder.
Here’s how this new hustle goes: Many of you text from Monday to Friday, agree to go grab some Applebee’s on Saturday, exchange a few kisses at the end of the date, by Sunday you’re cup caking on the phone, and by the end of that week his consistent communication makes it feel like a relationship. What do you call that stage? Is it talking because all you’ve done is talk? Is it dating because you did go on ONE date. Code words like “Mess with each other,” “Deal with each other,” or “I have a friend,” have been created because you know damn well that young shit isn’t an official relationship. You’re not together, you’re not exclusive, but you assume that because you have been communicating, kissed, and have chemistry you are building towards being officially GF/BF. The other person aka your “friend” probably defines dating differently from you. He sees it as he can take you out on Saturday, take another girl out on Sunday, and go over another girl’s house on Monday, and it’s all good because that’s what single men or women do—date around. The point of dating is to shop around for the RIGHT ONE like you’re looking to buy your first home. But some of you reading this don’t see it that way—if he’s dating me, he needs to be only dating me, because I don’t want to look stupid!
It’s a difference in viewpoint. We as men have been dating multiple women since forever, we just don’t say shit about it because even though it’s not wrong it can turn women off. “All I ask is that you tell me if you’re seeing other people,” cries Basica! Why the fuck would a man that’s trying to milk you tell you that you’re one of many knowing that you’ll catch an attitude? Furthermore, it’s not your business who he dates because you’re not his girl the same way it’s not his business to ask who else you see. The vast majority of ladies haven’t been coached on romantically multitasking, thus they get slut shamed for dating like men from those very same men who do it themselves. They also get shade thrown by other women who have been brainwashed to think having a roster is reserved for hoes. Peer pressure of a patriarchal society has made you a slave to judgement, which leaves you trapped treating every man that successfully dates you like he’s your boyfriend… but y’all don’t hear me though.
Kill the semantics: To date is to be in the act of going out or hanging out under the umbrella of romance with the end goal being to see if you two are compatible enough for an official relationship. It has nothing to do with sex. Nothing to do with loyalty. It’s two people interviewing each other’s personalities before making a choice to take to the next level—a commitment to each other. To break it down in ratchet terms—you’re single as fuck until you both agree verbally to be a monogamous couple. Dating is not a hard concept on paper, but in real life this is where most of you fuck up. You allow people to keep you at the dating stage because you’re afraid to ask for something more official. To ask for verbal confirmation is to risk rejection, that’s your fear! Dating has become an assumption of “We belong to each other because we spend time together consistently” because you all have become content with going with the flow. If a man can say, “YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY GIRLFRIEND,” then why the fuck are you loyal to the concept of a dating stage?
Talking Vs Dating: Talking and Dating are the same thing depending on where you grow up and the slang or vernacular that’s been established. Kind of like how dudes in one state say “sneakers” while others call them “tennis shoes.” I don’t care about which word you use, I only care about what you MEAN when you say it. If talking to you means going out on dates and building towards something more—that’s the same as dating. If talking to you means just talking, as in texting, facetiming, or calling each other throughout the week in an attempt to become closer, than it literally is talking. Using the last definition as our example, what grown ass person just “talks”? That sounds like some shit you do when you’re 14 and you’re not allowed to leave the house on school nights. By the time you’re an adult you have money to date, you have access to transportation to go on dates, you have time after work or school to go out and engage in a face to face conversation. Therefore, no person over the age of 18 should be “talking” that shit sounds stupid. Act your age, and date men who can provide actual date offers, not just text you “wyd,” “wya,” “did you miss me?” How the fuck you miss someone you only see in your imagination? Grown people date, the don’t talk!
Your Dating Vs. Real Dating: When you go out on a date, what’s the goal? Are you looking to ask specific things that will eliminate that person as a waste of time or are you just hoping that you don’t say anything dumb, and they’ll like you enough to ask you out again? Are you the one picking or are you going out hoping to be picked? What qualifies someone to be yours and take you off the market? That’s not rhetorical, answer that in your head… Now let me share the standards I see each week when my inbox fills out with various situations. Many women don’t demand anything or have requirements for a man to win her exclusivity. If he looks good enough and creates a spark in terms of conversation, that’s the jackpot. Sure, he’s not as tall as she would like, isn’t as handsome as her MCM, nor is he doing anything spectacular career wise, but he’s cool. When you’re used to heartbreak, false-starts, and only get chased by the bottom of the barrel types, cool becomes good enough to be your man. Think about that weak shit.
If your heart were a job position you would give it to the first person that came to interview because dissecting them is too much work and interviewing other candidates gives you anxiety. Where’s the questions about his last position? Where’s the questions about his strengths and weaknesses? Where’s the background check? You don’t have time for the process of deep dating, so you let him slide because he’s cute (enough) and makes you laugh. You see where I’m going? Your concept of dating is half-ass and limited because you want to skip to the part where you can say you have a man. The relationship is the goal, not the person, so most people subscribe to the concept that they can deal with the surprises later, which is why you stay single or end up committed to a person who hasn’t fulfilled you since that first month of dating.
Dating isn’t Sex: People who date have sex, sometimes on the very first date. That doesn’t mean you assume that dating multiple men means you fuck multiple men. What are the standards for a man to enter your vagina? If it’s a 2 for $20 washed down by a Raspberry margarita, then that’s between you and your pussy. No woman or man should be fucking everything they go out with. The problem is people do, which is why men are scared to fucking death when I bring up the idea of women treating this process like American Idol. Males routinely fuck anything that agrees to spread eagle, thus he will project dating as fucking when he asks, “So do you see anyone else?” For you to say, “yeah, I’m dating a few guys,” is greeted with thoughts of you being Gogo Fukme on your days off. This brings us to one of the main problems, you aren’t dating for your benefit you’re dating to please the opinion of these dusty ass little boys…
The Words of Men Don’t Matter: If I date multiple men he’ll think I’m a hoe. Women don’t understand how men think, so they try to pick up on tips and tricks by listening to guys vent or exaggerate their wants. The average dude will sit and tweet about how a woman has to be loyal during the dating stage to get a shot with him… she then jots it down as a law. A dude will tell a story about how he had to cut off his last girl because she was talking to other guys and he wasn’t going to waste his time and money dating someone that’s giving her attention to other men… she jots that down, another law. Pick Me Pick Me! That’s what you look like when you over-listen to men and try to fit into this idea of what a woman that gets wifed has to be. Erase everything you think you know about men and imprint this: Men are full of shit!
I was giving relationship advice to a girl who was dating an NBA player last summer, he went from busy, to blowing her phone up after she texted him that she was out with a “friend.” Two weeks later he flies into town with a promise ring asking her to be his girlfriend. Why would a dude that has a pick of all kinds of IG ass do this for a girl he’s only been on three dates with? Because men don’t like to lose out to other men when the prize is invaluable. It doesn’t matter if you talk to one guy at a time or five, if a man feels that you aren’t a typical, he’s going to lock you down before the next man does. “But wait she wasn’t loyal during the dating stage,” it’s a fucking con! Guys say that to instill fear so that you are dependent on them as the one and only option. A woman with romantic choices is scarier than getting pulled over by a cop. These dudes don’t want to compete for your rights because their insecurity is screaming, “you aren’t good enough.” Remove dating multiple men and he suddenly becomes good enough by default! Think, ladies!
I Don’t Have Multiple Options: I don’t know where to go to meet men. When I go out I meet duds. My city is dry. I’m shy. I need to lose weight first. Guys I like don’t find me attractive. It’s more women than men in my city. I can’t compete with these new hoes. I’m picky… Excuse after fucking excuse! Explain to me why wedding planners and event halls still make money in your city. Explain to me why a girl that weighs more than you or doesn’t look as good as you has a decent man? Explain to me why girls who aren’t afraid to open their mouth and be charismatic never have a shortage of men trying to get at them. It’s not about what you don’t have, it’s about how you present what you do have, and being insecure will always hold you back from projecting the woman I know you can be. When you strip away the excuses and realize that your internal must change before your external does, your results will increase. That’s what being a Spartan is all about and this is the core teachings of MDLWLY, go re-read it or listen to it, and apply it to every single excuse you can list. No woman is too ugly, too big, too shy, or in the wrong place to attract quality men—that’s men as in more than one. Stop being your own worst enemy by feeding into these excuses that dictate that you cling on to the first decent guy that takes you to the movies. What you think you become. If you think you can’t get something, you never will get it.
Proof That You’re Not His Girl
“You’ll never love me, but I believe you when you say it like that” – SZA
How do we as men get away with murder and never have to be held accountable? Women talk themselves out of their own common sense in order to keep giving guys they like pass after pass. When a man’s lips are moving he’s trying to get something from you: Pussy, compliance, forgiveness, money, and the list goes on. Still, you listen, you smile, you give in, you lose yourself in his hollow words because you need something to believe in. Your booty is getting bigger. You did lose weight. He does love you. He is sorry and will never do it again. Your pussy is the best. You are the only one he can go to for help… Guys shovel shit in your ear and fertilize your brain so they keep planting lies. For all of you that are dating and thinking it’s a real relationship, let’s go through signs that you’re being played.
He’s Fake Busy: You can’t expect a working man that’s trying to get ahead in life to be free all the time. That’s the truth that the men you deal with use to mask their disinterest in you. One woman explained to me that during the first 6 weeks of dating she and this guy went out at least once a week if not twice. By the time they had sex, they were either texting throughout the day or seeing each other each night. After a few weeks of sex, he began to get busy. His reasoning was solid, he was a man that worked from 8-6, sometimes a few hours later because he was supervising a team under him and was solely responsible for making sure things got done. However, when this woman was New Pussy, fresh and exciting, he made sure to find time to text her, call her, and even left early a few times to take her out. So, what happened? Did work get busier or did he get bored?
There’s no such thing as too busy when you want something. These guys get tired of you quicker than Draya at a PTA meeting, use being busy as an excuse to avoid you, and you actually believe it. Being fake busy is how we men get rid of girls while keeping the door open for later. If you’re currently going through this you’re probably sucking your teeth, “that’s not always true, sometimes busy is busy,” because that lie allows your ego to flourish. Doesn’t matter if he works for a company, owns the company, drives Uber on his off days, or has family members in town. Put a “too busy” man in front of a new woman that he wants, watch how he bends his schedule like a pretzel to try and get that. Last month I hung with a buddy who texted a girl that he’ll have to get back to her once things slow down—because sitting around drinking with me is more fun than going over to deal with pussy he already had.
Men make time for their boys and they make time for their hobbies. Work, business, side hustles, family issues NEVER stop them from checking their phones every ten minutes and contacting those people who they want to contact. It stops them from coming to see you, from planning a date night, from sticking to a promise because he doesn’t fuck with you like that! When he looks at your text he’s thinking, “she doesn’t want shit, I’ll get at her later.” What’s the point of being dishonest? He gets to pick you up and put you back down when he feels like it without the threat of other men sliding in you. Which means you continue thinking that dating him is an official relationship, it’s just slowed down because of his schedule. By the time he pops up with a new girl or stops answering your calls all together you understand the hustle he just pulled, but by then it’s too late to get that time back.
He’s Fake Jealous: You know he likes you because he doesn’t want you talking to anyone else. He’s questioning the guys that comment on your picture. He’s even trying to look at your phone to see who you text. It must be real otherwise he wouldn’t care! In your mind a man showing that kind of fire to mark his territory speaks louder than words. That’s understandable because no one talks to you about male motivation when you’re little girls. Men are always in a perpetual state of competition. You don’t have to mean anything to a guy for him to want to control you, but a series of toxic relationship examples in your life has convinced you that control = love. A guy will go out and stick his dick in his ex-girlfriend then tell you he’ll Nicole Brown you if you even DM another man. You don’t see the hustle? Once again, men instill fear, they flatter you with attention, they paint you to be a possession, they stroke your ego by wanting to keep you under lock and key, while in the meantime he’s not laying any real claim to you because he’s still an active free agent. He acts jealous it’s sexy. You act jealous, you’re a paranoid bitch—wake up. The next time you fix your face to brag about how jealous your “friend” is remember that it doesn’t mean a damn thing!
He’s trying to build with you, not BE with you: For those of you that haven’t been subjected to the term “build” other terms are also used—see where it goes, continue to get to know each other, become friends first… it’s a way to satisfy an ultimatum without coming off disinterested in a woman. If you keep assuring a woman that you see you two being together officially down the road, she’ll be patient. Why is this good game? Every woman who is dating for a long period of time with no real commitment will be asked by her friends, family, or co-workers about the relationship to the point where it’s annoying. By telling her “don’t worry, you know I love you, I just need time to get myself together,” it allows her a real thing to take back to her circle and something to lean on when common sense is saying, “He’s full of shit.” So, when does building become official? Is there a certain month when you prove yourself to his liking or is it a hustle to buy himself more time? Don’t get me wrong, there are men that have kept a girl at the dating stage for over a year and then settled down. The key word being “settled”. The result, even if you do become official, is that he got to have his fun while you got to worry, cry, stress, stalk, and make threats. Think about the power that gives a man over you. You waited, you allowed him to run free, and you were loyal because you were afraid to go shopping for something better. A man that’s building, is either looking to replace or looking to train. Which means you either get left behind during the dating stage once he finds his Game Changer or you become the Bottom Bitch who he just trained to be obedient to his commands. What do you get out of it? A relationship you had to roll over and beg for.
L Word Vs. L Actions: There is no bigger safety net than “I love you”. No matter what you go through, if you know a person loves you, it will get you through that storm. The problem is, the guy you are dating doesn’t love you just because he SAYS it. The irony is that there are men who show love but just aren’t comfortable saying it face to face, then there are men who say it with ease and don’t mean it at all. An insane number of women come to me with “why doesn’t he say he love me,” because they buy into the hype that it’s not real until a man confesses it. They literally drive themselves crazy listing off all the great things this man does, only to discredit real world action with, “but he hasn’t said it yet, should I walk away?” Walk away because your soft ass needs three small words more than you need consistent effort? Unbelievable. Then there are the women that let guys play them like an Xbox controller, and they hold out hope because he says, “I love you,” with conviction day in and day out.
A woman once told me how this guy she dated for three months got arrested in her car that she let him borrow. She bailed bae out, put money down for bae’s lawyer, then bae turned around and used her credit card to buy another girl an engagement ring. Wait for the punchline…she asks me, “Do you think that means he never loved me?” After all of that, she was still holding on to the L Word as proof of something! Ladies, it’s great if a man can bare his soul and tell you how he feels, but it’s mandatory that he shows you with real actions! I don’t care if he texts it to you every day or says it every time you see each other, if you’re still at a dating stage and he hasn’t used his mouth to also confirm that you two are more than friends that hang out and fuck nor used his creativity to show you that he’s invested in you for the long-term, than you’re just dating! The word “love” changes nothing.
Stop Being a Girlfriend to A Single Man
“I get so lonely, I forget what I’m worth.” – SZA
Definitions are important because 90% of heartbreak can be avoided if you understand someone’s agenda. You assume, you don’t ask. You go with the flow, you don’t inspect. You think, you don’t know. “We’re dating” sounds good, it sounds positive, it allows you to get rid of the stigma of, “I’m not seeing anyone,” that makes you feel like an unwanted loser. Nevertheless, you are trying to change the rules by changing the definition of dating, because that dark side of you is afraid that you’ll never be good enough to be called someone’s girlfriend and eventually wife. Your only hope is to grow on a man, do for a man, make yourself so loyal, so compromising, and so accommodating that he rewards you with what you really want—confirmation that you are his. I was with an associate having a drink and this girl he used to date was a hostess at the restaurant. The Hostess walks over, all smiles, then says, “are you still dating such and such.” He looks at her and says, “We’re not dating, that’s my woman.” Those words jabbed the color from her face. That’s what men do, that’s what men say—THAT’S MY WOMAN. What do you get from your dude? You know I care about you… I have love for you… I’m don’t deal with anyone else… Men aren’t stupid, they know the power of words, they tip toe around what you really want to hear and force you to grasp at those half-ass proclamations because they’re not trying to lock you down.
He cares about you, but he’s not sold on you. He has love for you, but he’s not in love with you. He doesn’t talk to anyone else, but that doesn’t mean he’s not on the lookout for something better. He’s not ready for anything serious (with you). It’s not about lying, it’s about massaging the truth and bidding time. You and he were dating for months, he just met that new chick and she’s being posted all over social media as “my girl” or “wifey.” You helped him make that choice, beloved. By dating you he saw everything he didn’t want, and by the time he met a new girl or rekindled something with an old one, he knew what he needed in a girlfriend and jumped on it. So many of you get dogged the fuck out and you still don’t get why definitions and labels are important. Dating is a relationship to you because you over-invest in that stage like a sucker. You didn’t spend months dating, you spent months being his real deal honest to goodness GIRLFRIEND, while he maintained his singlehood. Checking up on him, making sure he ate, splitting bills, crying after arguments, having the kind of nasty sex usually reserved for honeymoons, you were all in because that’s the only way you know how to love. Meanwhile he’s a single man, coming and going as he pleases, still getting at other women, avoiding you when you become annoying, but holding it together by being sweet and loving when it suits him. Want to talk about gender equality, then let’s talk about why so many women are girlfriends to men that are single? He’s not forcing you to over-love him, he’s not forcing you to not date other men, he’s not forcing you to take on more responsibilities than dating comes with—that’s you.
Girlfriend benefits are being given to men who don’t earn them. You misdiagnose potential as perfection, you see chemistry as proof of compatibility, and you can’t stop yourself from being extra in your attempt to keep a man interested. As a result, men aren’t working hard for you, they aren’t committing, they don’t even appreciate how amazing you are. Understand the game! That’s not your man, that’s not your friend, he’s just another male with an agenda that needs to be sniffed out over time. But like the SZA lyric says, you have become so lonely that you forget your value. You give away the benefits that a stronger woman would have held onto until it was earned with real actions. Are you Tiffany’s or are you Zales? Not everyone should be able to walk in and leave out with something! Your price is far too low and that’s why you accept these false relationships as genuine love affairs. Stop selling yourself for cheap just because you’re afraid you will be single forever if you’re too demanding! Men mislead and deceive, you’re not ignorant to this, so don’t use it as an excuse or expect guys to suddenly change so this work becomes easier. Stop entertaining goofies, and worry about attracting better candidates. Raise your bar and set your value beyond this basic talking stage, dating stage, situationship mess and get the crown you deserve, Queen!
And yes, I do tell men to step their game up and do better as well in She Ain’t It, click here to download.