Life could be so simple if the man you like/love/crush on would just stop playing games. Why is he so hot and cold? Why is he unwilling to fully commit? Why does he push you away only to pull you back in? Is he testing you? Is it your fault? Him Him Him, is all you think about and it’s driving you crazy! Truth Bomb: The man you want doesn’t actually want you. He can say that he loves you, explain all the reasons why he needs more time, or shift the blame to you as the reason he acts the way he does, but regardless of the details, it doesn’t change the fact that you are sinking in a boat known as “Relationship Purgatory”. The dark side of dating is that for every cute social media couple there even more messy situationship couples who are trapped in one of the following:
On Again Off Again – Two people that are technically in a relationship but are always going on break then getting back together to the point where neither knows what they are anymore.
Friends With Benefits – Two people that have agreed to use each other for sex and/or company with a loose agreement that neither wants something serious.
Stalled Dating Stage – Two people that are deep into the dating stage, but no one has brought up exclusivity, therefore both remain single, frustrating the person who wants to be in a real relationship.
Unofficial Yet Official – Two people that agree not to see anyone else and do everything that boyfriends and girlfriends do, yet keeps the option for someone new open by not committing to a label or title.
Few people in those relationships listed above are happy, they’re content and satisfied in the moment when they’re with that person, but no woman wants to be in some half-ass relationship where she doesn’t 100% know what to label it. You’re giving Girlfriend Benefits to a man who isn’t even sure about you– you proud of that? You’re giving Wife Benefits to a guy who doesn’t even return your calls– this the life you imagined? As you all know, I get an enormous amount of email each week. A constant question is, “How can I get him to be like he used to?” or “How can I tell him that I changed my mind and want a commitment?” I bet the most googled question after the guy you’re crazy over has YET to text back is: Why won’t he let me go if he doesn’t want me.
“This Could Be Us But You’re Playing“. Ha! In a man’s mind there is no “us”. If he wanted to be with you, he would make it happen. If he’s “playing” then he’s telling you to read between the LINES: He doesn’t want to live a fairy tale with you, he just wants to keep milking the cow for free until a better version of you comes along! Common sense isn’t so common when feelings get involved. No matter how smart you are, falling in love will make you do some basic ass things, like hold on for too long and allow a man to waste the best years of your life. Today I’m going to talk about insight into the male mind. I’ve written about the solution to this problem in my book, but sometimes it’s not about what to do, it’s about the “why”. When your heart is breaking, you don’t want someone telling you to walk away, you just want to know why this man has changed—Is it you? Is it another woman? Is it him? There’s no way to jump into the mind of all men and generalize, but I will try to shed light on the top reasons I’ve seen, heard, witnessed, and even done myself.
You Lost Your Luster
Looks. Personality. Attitude. If any of these things change in a man’s mind while dating or in a relationship with you, he will lose interest quick. Let’s backtrack and take you through each trait starting with Looks. As men, we go for looks above all else, you know that. The thing 90% of women lose track of is that when we talk about “looks” it isn’t about being Magazine Cover pretty, it’s a wide net that encompasses a bunch of x-factors which inspires LUST. Men chase their fetishes. All any woman has to do to attract a man is to have some trait that taps into a fetish, which then inspires his lust. He’ll give chase, and at that point you’re in control. While he’s hypnotized and thinking with his dick or getting overly romantic, that’s when you can fully win him over with your personality and attitude. Sounds easy right? No, because most women don’t understand male lust enough to use it against them. They see a cute boy chasing them, get excited, and give in to him without exercising power over his lust-filled MIND. For example, I once dated a girl who had these incredible breasts but an okay face. It was only after sex that the lust dissipated and I realized that she wasn’t at all what I wanted. My hormones fetishized her and there was no real personality trait that changed my mind to look past that. This is how men operate on a subconscious level. Other men may be more into a big butt, a certain skin tone, lip size, shit I even have a friend who is obsessed with extremely muscular women. The point is, each man you meet will take a look at you and like you on the surface because no matter how you look, there is a fetish aspect that triggers him to chase you… at first that is.
Personality and Attitude are deeper than looks, but it can also be misleading. When you first met this guy, he saw you on your best behavior. On a date or during that first week of texting, you’re a novelty act, saying all the right things and having all of those exciting new conversations where you talk about your past and future. Men aren’t these tough creatures, we fall fast and get swept up in the idea of a woman we first meet because she’s new and vibrant. The attitude you display matches this positive personality because you have no reason to get smart, be defensive, or raise your voice this early on. If you have above average charm, then that first week or so you’re going to come off like the perfect woman. You’re being different from these Basicas he’s used to dating, and he repays this by giving you his attention and affection to the point where it feels like you’ve finally won at love. This is the point where most of you were the happiest. It seemed to be going up up up…then suddenly the wheels fall off. Why? The luster wore off on either your Looks, Attitude, or Personality.
No matter how tight your vagina is, sex alone won’t keep his attention after he’s had his fill.
Being pretty eventually wears off, and he goes from “oh my god” to “oh, it’s her“.
If your personality gives way to normal chit chat and redundant questions, he becomes bored.
Losing your luster happens silently. He doesn’t say anything, but you feel it, don’t you? It drives you crazy that you can’t read his mind to ask him why he’s not reacting to you like he used to or why his energy level is dying out. But you don’t need to read his mind to understand what’s going on. When a man is inconsistent, isn’t trying to move forward, or giving you bullshit reasons for why the relationship has stalled, think about Looks, Personality, and Attitude. He most likely doesn’t think your “pretty” is worth it anymore. Why? The fetish has been satisfied. He had sex with you or got to the point where sex with you wasn’t even something he wanted any longer because you stopped turning him on. Next up is personality. In this case, he still wants you physically but now that he’s gotten to know you emotionally he doesn’t like the things you’re into or talk about. Finally, you have your attitude. He’s no longer trying to make things official because your attitude is shitty. Maybe you do have an attitude problem that makes you annoying, but most likely it’s him not being able to handle the real you. Now that you’re comfortable around him you stand up for yourself or argue points more than you did when you were in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. Remember that some men like the novelty of new women because it’s fun and they can get away with things, once you two bond and you start to speak your mind or make demands, it turns off controlling or narcissistic men. He didn’t sign up for a strong woman, he wanted the weak, nice, and submissive, so now that the luster is gone he’s waiting for the right time to ghost you or have a reason to cut ties.
You Weren’t Who He Thought You Were
It would be unfair for me to blame the man for everything, there are many cases when the cooling off isn’t due to his own ego or immaturity, but yours. I’ve come across several women who needed to work on themselves, not date, because their entire disposition was toxic. A wise person never points fingers outward until they first point them inward! Who are you as a woman? Are you nagging? Are you clingy? Are you annoying? Are you jealous? Are you eternally pessimistic? Do you overthink everything? Do you like to argue just to argue? Are you a boring homebody? Are you an attention seeking party girl? Do you live for internet likes? Do you live for gossip? Do you actually have things you’re doing with your life? Are you the type of woman that leads or follows? It may seem like men only care about sex, but we do pay attention to deep character traits as well. The reason he doesn’t want you anymore could have everything to do with you not measuring up to the high expectations he projected when you two first met.
“She was so cool at first,” I’ve heard my male friends say this line time and time again. It’s only a matter of time before everyone’s masks comes off, and they’re exposed as either the love you wanted, or the wake up call you needed. For instance, my friend dated a woman who was all about being an entrepreneur and had some great business ideas, then her talk stopped, and her demons came out in the form of drinking too much and blaming all of her setbacks in life on her mother. Again, who are you? Are you fake-deep, fake-positive, or just on a high after reading the latest gimmick self-help book? The Daddy Issues will come out and he won’t want you. The pain from your ex will come out and he won’t want you anymore. The self-loathing you carry around will come out and he won’t want you anymore. Men aren’t trying to fix what another man broke! He’ll hang in there, pretend that everything is fine, but all he’s doing at that point is waiting for a right time to exit your life.
You Were Just Something To Do
Let’s keep it real, many of you will become involved with men who don’t think that you are that attractive, that charismatic, or that interesting. Why would any man chase a woman he doesn’t think highly of? Because men always need something or someone to do, when bored! You were a woman who happened to be at the right place during the right time in his life, and he pursued you because it was convenient and easy. That may hurt to read, but I’m not going to hold your hand and sugar coat this, so you keep allowing men to pick you up and put you down like some toy. You need to know how guys think so you can stop letting your ego blind you. You are a good time girl, low maintenance, and require little energy exertion because you just want to be picked. Any savvy man can spot a weak and lonely woman with little to no options, so he will keep you around until he totally exhausts your usefulness. That’s it. All of the sweet words he says—lies to keep you on the leash. All of the nice things he did for you—keeping up appearances so you stay put. All of the things you swear prove that he cares about you—just a magic trick to maintain the status quo. You’re a placeholder, a seat filler, Ms. Inconsequential.
He Wants Someone Else
There are men who truly love you, at one point maybe they were even In Love… but he was presented with the temptation of something better and now he’s souring on you as “the one”. Shit happens. We live in an age where even the most average guy is exposed to beautiful women who are only one keyboard stroke away. We live in a world where single women are often turned on by a taken men, and don’t mind showing your “guy friend” she’s a better fit. Men who were never truly in love are easily tempted. How do you know it’s another woman and not one of the other things I’ve listed? You will notice a change overnight when he’s set his sights on another woman. Men can juggle women in terms of sex, but few can juggle them in terms of emotions. If his mind is filling with thoughts of her, he doesn’t want to take you on dates, do romantic things, or give you any of the treatment you were accustomed to because that energy is reserved for this new girl. Sure, he can still fake a kiss, sex, and play the role of putting you first, but the fact that he’s changed up and is confusing you with his actions is usually proof that another woman has replaced you on the pecking order. Maybe he’ll leave you for her once he finds the courage to break the news to you. Maybe she really doesn’t want him and he’ll be forced to stick it out with you for a little longer. Either way, trust your gut when it whispers, “He must have found a new girl,” because 8 out of 10 times, it’s true.
He’s A Coward
Not every male you meet will be a man. There are countless guys with little boy mentalities when it comes to love. Relationships scare emotionally immature men because they know they have flaws that will eventually lead them to screwing up a good thing. It doesn’t matter how loyal, considerate, or drama free you are, if a guy has a history of heartbreak he won’t know how to receive what you’re trying to give. The more energy you poor into trying to get him to trust and love you, the more he will push you away because it’s not about you fixing him, it’s about him needing time to grow into a man on his own. A “good woman” is not the cure for a broken man! If you’re feeling confused as to what you’re doing wrong or guilt over not being able to make him act right, you need to stop buying into this idea that love cures all. A lot of these men are damaged, emotionally stunted, and flat out cowards who only know how to behave during that honeymoon period. The more they start to feel vulnerable, the more they start to panic. Fear of being loved causes anxiety. They lash out at you, throw other women in your face, or ghost you, because they are afraid to put their heart in the hands of a woman who could hurt them. Once his anxiety dissipates, he comes running back with hollow words of appreciation, gifts, and maybe a few weeks of consistent behavior that wins you back. It’s a hustle, beloved. Stop trying to convince him you’re not like the rest, and find someone that is healthy enough to recognize, receive, and repay real effort and love.
Accept That He Will Never Be Into You
“Why is he being so hard to read?” He isn’t being hard to read, he just doesn’t like you. The problem is you can’t accept that someone who got to know you, slept with you, and witnessed the best you had to offer can still be like—Nah this ain’t it. Your ego pushes you on the defensive and you think of every other excuse as to why this man is acting different… except the obvious fact that you’re no longer his type or were never his type from the beginning. Stop trying to rationalize toxic male behavior by looking for clues and look dead in the face at what his actions are telling you. His inconsistency is proof that he’s gone cold on you. Move. The. Hell. On.
BUT G.L., he keeps reaching out to me to apologize, he is starting to act way nicer, I blocked his number and he still found ways to contact me. This effort proves that a part of him DOES want me….
Oh Basica, let me break this down one last time– Most men don’t like to burn bridges. So long as he can get sex, attention, or other benefits that you’ve spoiled him with, he will not let you move on. If you try to give him an ultimatum, he’ll fight to keep you, not because he loves you, but because he loves having control over you. If you try to get another man, he’ll act jealous, not because he wants you back, but because he’s greedy and competitive. A man being nicer than before or making an effort AFTER the fact, isn’t proof of change, it’s proof that he always knew how to treat you, but never felt a need to do so until you fell back on him. What’s wrong with your mind that you think chasing you is the same as caring about you? Stop reading too deep into the basic actions of manipulative men and find a guy who will give you that energy the jump! You can’t allow mixed signals to chain you to a hot and cold man that pushes you away then pulls you back. You can’t allow the fear of never finding someone as compatible as he is to make you settle for being a placeholder.
All these women out here, why does he stick around if he doesn’t want me? Because you allow it. No man has power over you unless you give it to him. You keep trying to make it work, you keep hanging in there, you keep looking for ways to make him love you for real, you keep rewarding his behavior with loyalty. Enough is enough! “Let me go, since you act like you don’t want to be with me,” must be replaced with, “I’m gone.” Take control of your life, don’t be a victim.