Fuck love, fuck dating, fuck this generation of over-texting, under-valuing, game playing fakes. You’re sick of being disappointed and tired of wasting time, so you’re going to break away from romance to focus on self until that bitter taste is gone or someone worthwhile comes along. LMFAO! Yeah okay… You’re over love in the same way a 15-year-old who says, “I hate this house I’m going to run away,” is over their parents.
Once that anger dies out, your “friend” kisses your ass, or you get new attention from someone attractive all of your “Over Dating” bullshit ends and you’re back to doing the same shit you’ve been doing—Entertaining time wasters, sleeping with recycled exes, trying to teach people who don’t even like you, how to love you, and ignoring the lessons your last disappointment should have taught you. Why are you so hard headed that you race right back into the game despite all those “that was the last time I do that to myself” affirmations? Simple. Because you don’t know how to be happy alone!
Men and Women both are guilty of this fatal flaw. Yes, I’m talking to you Mr. She Hurt Me, Bro and you Ms. No One I Like Ever Likes Me Back. No matter if you’re recently single and ready to swear it off or if you’ve been single for so long that your coochie’s grown cobwebs, I want to convince you that taking a break is a good thing. However, the insincere and emotionally driven way most of you attempt to hit reset is the wrong way to go about it.
There are women who know how to be in-between boyfriends. There are men that know how to live through a pussy drought. A lack of options isn’t the same as taking a break.
It’s so easy to swear off love when you have a dry phone, or you can only attract exes or people you’ve already curved. That’s like being on a diet when your account is on overdraft. Of course you can have will-power when your ass can’t afford that 900-calorie meal. There’s nothing wrong with getting back in the game after swearing it off, we all say shit in the heat of the moment. However, if you swore it off because you felt that there were mistakes you were making that needed to be corrected, you should actually take steps to correct them before engaging with someone new. If you swore off love because you kept attracting toxic people, you should step back and soul-search the reasons why you allowed yourself to be sucked in by that member of the Ain’t Shit Club. You can’t be upset for a week, brainwash yourself into believing that not calling your ex or taking new numbers is self-work, then fall back into old habits once you feel better. If you don’t step back and do the work it will lead to an endless Circle of Fuck Ups…
I hate men, I’m going to focus on my money
+ A new cute guy that pushes all the right buttons
= He’s so different, that’s bae.
These broads are all crazy, I’m good over here
+ A new sexy woman that laughs too hard at your jokes
= She’s so different, that’s my little baby.
Your romantic math is easy to figure out because your romantic moves are more predictable than the end of a Tyler Perry movie. No matter if it’s a woman that comes to me for advice or one of the bros I know in real life, all it takes is someone new and intriguing to make them rush back into the battlefield. Waiting for someone that looks good to pop up on your radar is NOT the same as focusing on self! Today I want to help every man and woman who really needs to hit pause and get their head together, leave the game and better themselves the smart way before that eventual return to dating.
Impatience. Boredom. Fear.
You don’t have the patience to come home, put the phone down or turn the TV off, and be alone with your own thoughts. Sure, you can do it once or twice, but could you really meditate or do self-analysis about your past and present for 7 straight days let alone a month or two?
Being alone is boring. You need to gossip about others, talk shit about the people that hurt you, or point out what your ex is doing on social media or you start to fidget. Can you really go off the grid and hang out in your own head? Could you go out and enjoy your own company enough to eat or take in a movie alone? Are you able to focus on building your bank account or a network of people that could better your career goals, or will you quickly grow bored and need a “bae” to make it all worthwhile?
The fear of the person you just left being happy without you, finding someone before you do, or you never finding love again; that’s where the overthinking goes wild when you’re not distracting yourself with daily nonsense. You lay up at night, and you’re scared because your own mind is a sea of chaos. Self-doubt is more powerful than self-confidence in the mind of a person that’s just gone through a breakup. And it’s that self-doubt that will drive them to either go back to the hell the know or jump for the first option that comes with the possibility of validation.
You can’t be happy alone unless you kill all three of these weak traits.
For Those Coming Off A Breakup
Let Go – I don’t care if it was four years or four months, make like Elsa and let that shit go! If your relationship, situationship, or whatever had your heart in a vice, ended then I assume that you tried to make it work and did all the steps I listed in MDLWLY or for the fellas all the steps in She Ain’t It. If you couldn’t come back together and make it work or if there were too much bad blood to restart, accept that incompatibility as proof that you can’t always get what you want. “But how exactly? It’s so hard to let go when they keep reaching out.” Listen here you excuse making weakling… The reality is that you can block a number. You can ignore an email. You can keep walking in public. You can tell mutual friends not to invite you out when the ex has a chance of coming out too. If you have kids you can use a go-between to facilitate communication if you think you may get sucked back in. Name one thing that “forces” you to talk to someone you need out of your life. I’ll wait… Now use your evolved human brain to figure out a way to get through it. It’s not that you can’t let go, it’s that you don’t want to.
A young lady told me how she felt so strong and empowered from my writing that she cut her ex-boyfriend off for good. She had fallen into the trap of still having sex with him while pretending to be “working on self” and knew she was being stupid. Less than a week later, she was back in my inbox telling me how she relapsed. How? She unblocked him during a boring weekend, and he happened to text her—she saw that as a sign from above. I saw it as a sign that a nigga was shooting his shot because he couldn’t go out and get new pussy. She unblocked him because she was weak and lonely, and entertaining someone who disrespected her was better than being alone and horny on a Saturday night.
Your situationship guy fell back then comes hitting you back up—let go. The girl you thought you would marry before it fell apart reaches out on your birthday and wants to catch up—let go. Some asshole tries to guilt trip you like the break up was your fault, don’t take the bait and start talking to them to prove your point—let go! Even if you want to give that person a second chance one day, the smart move is to get some distance, breath, live, and THEN circle back to see if that second chance makes sense. Fuck your “but this but this but this,” excuses and deal with that pain and hurt of walking away. It’s difficult, it’s frustrating, it’s sad—but it’s mandatory! You have to want to get better, not just talk a good game then break when they reach out. You can do this, so prove it the next time they reach out.
Stop Stalking – My wife has a friend that would call her after a breakup like, “girl he was on Snap doing blah blah blah,” then the next day, “he was on IG posting blah blah blah.” Finally, I heard my wife fume, “Why do you even care?” I laughed my ass off. A true Spartan would never think to keep tabs on a person after a breakup, follow their moves, or gossip about their daily life. Basic Bitches can’t help but be consumed with stalking and talking. What’s it going to be for you? Are you going to wake up in the morning and check their social media, look at the new names liking or commenting, and then get back in your feelings? Are you going to call your friends and say silly shit like, “guess who was asking about me today,” so you can gossip like some bird? Are you going to remain Typical or are you going to rise above that young shit?
I wager 70% of you will continue to lurk because you need to know what your ex is doing. Maybe it’s because you want them back. Maybe because you want to compete. Maybe you’re waiting for Karma to catch up with them. Maybe it’s because you would be sick to your stomach if they popped up with a new girlfriend or boyfriend. Fuck your asinine reasoning! The more energy you put into the past, the more it drains your future waves. Yes, fellas, this includes you. Y’all dumbasses will unfollow and then refollow, accidentally hit like on a picture, and expose all your goofy because most don’t even know how to stalk as well as the ladies. Both sexes are guilty of passive-aggressive messiness. Is working on yourself code for = Stalking my ex until they reach out again? It feels that way.
WHY DO YOU CARE IF THEY STILL WATCH YOUR IG STORIES? WHY DO YOU CARE WHO THEY POST? WHY DO YOU CARE WHO ASKED ABOUT YOU? You’re looking real hard pressed, when you do that shit. Kill the social media interaction. Avoid places where you know they frequent. Stop bringing it up to your friends. All the things you could be doing in your daily life, why waste that brain power playing detective? Are you really that hollow that you can’t think of anything to do with your free time than lurk a timeline? Are you really that boring that you must have the same old conversations about someone you pretend to be unbothered by? Are you that wealthy or established in your career that you can afford to spend even a minute of your focus on someone who isn’t adding to your bottom line? Pull down your fucking skirt, your insecurity is showing!
Go Inside, Every Day – I’ve noticed something in my travels. For all the new age books, crystals, vision boards, or whatever that a lot of you are into, many people don’t even know how to meditate. Literally, you can’t sit in a room alone and go inside your own head for 20 minutes. I’m not surprised because most can’t even properly shit unless they’re scrolling a timeline. This ADD way of living is the core of why you don’t get anywhere emotionally. You’re always talking, always reacting, always doing detective work. When do you have time to stand still and think? The key to being happy alone, and not just faking it, is to learn to become your own best friend, your own mentor, and your own therapist.
I want you to start with 15 minutes a day and build your focus until you can go for 20 or 30 minutes a day. Isolate yourself from other people, electronics, and your normal way of thinking. None of you are so busy that you can’t take time in the morning or at night before bed to sink into nothing. You don’t have to cross your legs or do some specific breathing exercise. Start by getting to the point where you can sit still for that first five minutes. If you have an idea, remember a bill that needs to be paid, or start fixating on not thinking, catch yourself, empty it out, and focus on the blackness of your closed eyelids. Don’t try to tap into some higher thought or figure out your problems. Just relax. Be nothing.
The next step is to ask yourself everything that’s hidden from the character you play. This isn’t about love advice, this is about life in general. Do you really like your parents? Do your current group of friends know the real you or just the mirage? What can’t you stand about your present life? What’s really making you mad when you get into moods? What deep secret are you holding in; did you steal when you were younger, cheat, lie? Is the job you’re at really what you want to be doing? Are you lazy? Are you fake? Are you sexually frustrated? Are you the type of person you would want to be friends with? Eventually, you’ll land on “why haven’t I found love.” In the privacy of your own head, where you can admit anything without penalty, it will be time to answer that with the truth, not the excuse. Replay this exercise at least five days a week. I guarantee you that by the third week you will have discovered stuff about yourself that will make you take ownership of your life choices.
No Date Zone – One of my favorite people told me that she was on fast from dating. It was the first time in four years she wouldn’t have a guy in her life on her birthday, and it was all planned out that way to give her time to reevaluate what she was doing versus what she wanted. It’s a brilliant concept. This isn’t being celibate or taking some fear-based vow, this is much more practical and scientific in its makeup. All the guys you date, even the ones that were good eggs, didn’t work out. What did they have in common? Why did you agree to be exclusive? What were the things that bothered you about them? What were the things that bothered them about you? The goal is to stop jumping into relationships just because it’s expected and ask yourself why do you even need a relationship at this point in your life? What can that person bring to your table? What path are you on, and is it better to be solo? Sex is great, having someone to talk about your day with is amazing, but those things aren’t more important than personal goals. Some lives revolve around other people making them happy, while others know that it’s about making self happy.
There’s nothing wrong with turning your nose up at the status quo of “You must have someone to be happy.” If anything, shrugging off this idea that you need external love, is necessary for developing emotional maturity. The old you, that weak chick that got stuck on crushes and took every rejection to heart will fade away once you realize it’s not that serious. That old you, the soft guy that always chose the wrong women will crumble once you realize that you don’t have to chase to attain. How do you start over? You don’t just pump your breaks, you park the car and fix all that crap built up under your hood.
Could you go on a romantic fast even in the face of pursuit by the type of people you would normally date? Is your discipline that strong that you could curve some T’Challa looking dude who approaches you? If not, here are a few tips: What do you do when someone tries to get your number? You take it, but you don’t use it. Put it in the “hey stranger” jar for possible use when you’re back in the game. What do you do when someone from the past who you always crushed on gets in contact with you? You keep it friendly but decline any social outing or attempt to creep into your life. Don’t be consumed with this thought of “what if this is the one.” You’re brainwashing yourself to go back out there before you’re ready under some superstitious ideology that opportunity only knocks once. If that person is the one for you, they’ll always be the one for you. A fast is a fast. No dating. No texting. No hanging out as if it’s not a date. Deal with what you need to. Heal. Live life free of the stress of relationships. Get your life in the order you want emotionally or financially. This could take a month, or it could take a year. Only you know how much time alone you truly need. The goal is to be disciplined enough to let what seems like a perfect pitch glide pass you. You can’t become clear of thought until you’re free of distractions and rid of this pressure to belong to someone.
For Those That Have Been Single For Too Long
Stop Being Bitter – Ever talk to someone that was single for a year or more? Hell, maybe you are that person who has been single for a year or more. Not to generalize, but most of the women who come to me fitting that description have horrible attitudes, negative dispositions, and they wear excuses like body lava. They know everything about dating and relationships, and in their opinion, everyone is playing games, all men cheat, all girls are hoes, and anyone that’s happy is fronting. When you question them on their own inability to find love, they point you to the city they live in full of bums. They point you to the type of women guys pick over them, “all these guys say they want someone real, but they chase after these Dr. Miami bitches.” They’re high opinionated about everything except for one-touch subject—their past. 9 out of 10 women who come to me for advice finally cave in and all that hot air deflates as I force them to tell me about their father who wasn’t there, that mother who put others before them, or the ex that had her looking stupid. That anger, that sour taste, that hate they spew under cover of “love is dumb,” is a shield meant to hide the fact that they can’t figure out why no one actually wanted them at any stage of life. No one will ever choose you for you. Think about that. It hurts. But it’s not true, and that’s what I need you Forever Single chicks to over-stand.
One girl would always write me about what her friend was doing and how dumb she was for not seeing through these fuck boys. I told her to drop her opinions about her friend and focus that shit inward because she and her BFF were one in the same. Both women were looking for validation because of rough childhoods, both women got excited anytime a new dick tried to date her, both women swore off love once they got fucked and ghosted. She wasn’t single because she was taking a break. She was single because unlike her friend, she stayed in the house most times, mean mugged when out, and didn’t have anyone willing to approach that toxic energy she was emitting. Whereas her friend was more carefree and extroverted. After I pointed that out, she snapped back with her size as a reason why men don’t approach her. See how deflection works? Her weight didn’t make her unattractive, her friend was just as big as she was, and was having success on that shallow level of being pulled. It was her disposition that made her ugly. I told her all of this, and she fell back from wanting my advice… until she ended up fucking some guy that was a new hire at work. Then she ran back to me crying about how he dogged her out and was now smashing some girl at work she hated.
Pop Quiz: Why was a woman like this who had been single for over three years so easy to be manipulated by the first new dick that winked at her? Answer: Because bitter people who have been single for too long don’t know shit. They theorize and give opinions about love, but when it comes to putting all that sass and bombastic wisdom to the test, they get exposed as just another love-starved Basica. They never worked on “self” they just hardened and embraced a negative outlook, and neither of those things are healthy ways to unlock the path to Spartanhood.
If you’re a woman who wags your finger, “tell men they need to stop playing so many games,” or if you’re a man that vents to the internet, “these bitches today need to be less shallow,” then you’ve already lost. People will always do what they want. The solution isn’t for Karma, God, or the fucking Easter Bunny to punish people into being nice, it’s for you to recognize the game and expose the real from the fake. You’re bitter because using your brain to expose people’s intentions is too much work for your lazy ass. You’re too tired to put in work, so you choose to stay single. The irony is that you will run into someone that wants something from you and once again be too lazy to even test their agenda. If you’re a woman, it’s most likely pussy or money. If you’re a man, it’s most likely attention or money. Your bitter hibernation didn’t smarten you up to the hustle, you just folded your arms. Life is a game! You can’t NOT play it, so get that stick out of your ass, fix your funky attitude, and smarten up to how to WIN, not how to complain.
Take Responsibility – You’re not single because of your city. You’re not single because of your looks. You’re not single because all men are immature assholes, or all women are looking for 7-foot rich guys. No matter if you’re a man that thought he did everything right or a woman who held a man down, you have to stop throwing yourself a pity party. You picked the wrong person. Fact. You either knew they were wrong for you or missed signs and found out the hard way. Fact. You can either dwell in your past or move into the future with a better understanding of what happened. Fact! Taking responsibility doesn’t mean you admit that everything’s your fault, stop being so dense. Taking responsibility is about regaining ownership of your life to take control of your future. When you sit around and point point point, what does that do? The milk is spilled, the damage is done, and moving forward all you’ll do is look back to how you were done dirty and use it to excuse your current lack of success. Are you that person that cries about being fired from a job and points to that as the reason why you can’t get hired right now or are you that person that laughs about being fired from a job because it led to you getting something better? It’s all about your outlook.
I have a buddy that got herpes from her ex-boyfriend. They were together for years, it wasn’t perfect, but it was good most of the times. She had no idea that her “man” would bring something back to her. They broke up, and she came to me with a positive spin on how she was going to move forward. He was a flawed man. She knew he had holes in his character. She ignored them and accepted him. “GL, that was my mistake for spending all that time with a man who acted sketchy more than once.” Some of you would probably sink into a deep depression and swear off love… you would literally allow someone to put a stop to your life. This woman didn’t, she took that hand she was dealt, and rebuilt herself. She’s now happily married with a man who accepted her for who she was. That’s power, that’s maturity, that’s a fucking Spartan. You get knocked down, you don’t cry about fairness, you internalize how you got knocked down, grow wiser, and move into that next chapter with a positive mindset that you will do better this time around.
Kill the Old You: Meditate. Ask those deep questions I outlined above. Most importantly, switch your POV so you can embrace real change. Unlike those that are coming off a breakup and retain some form of optimism, eternally single people have this wall of negativity built up towards life. It’s not just love, being unhappy and alone has jaded you towards damn near every subject. You’re like a walking one-star Yelp review, that’s how salty you’ve allowed yourself to become. The solution is to try on the POV of Appreciation. Be thankful! Instead of pointing out everything wrong in this world, look at it like Drizzy and Future: What a time to be alive!
When you go to work and get annoyed, mellow yourself, and switch to that POV. When you see something that reminds you of how somebody did you dirty in a past relationship and just want to punch something, switch to that POV. Positive thinking, like meditation, is hard to master because few know how to do it. Stop trying to force happy thoughts and look on the bright side of “thanks.” That inner hater will starve if you do this consistently for a month. That mean mug you put on will soften. The energy you’re projecting to strangers and friends will improve. By the end of the month, you will then be able to look back and see that all that frustration and anger was pointless. The POV of Appreciation is your Phoenix Force, it will resurrect the part of you that the world buried.
The Typical Path
You’re going to keep giving a person that fucked you over or who proved they weren’t compatible your time to waste… again and again: Humans hate to feel as though they lost, were rejected or didn’t get the last word. You will run back to the last person you were with to pacify your ego. They haven’t changed. You haven’t changed. So, what’s changed? Nothing! You promise to do better, or they promise to improve on the things that lead to the breakup. The first few weeks you both will be on your best behavior, then like cheap paint, it peels off, revealing the truth of your relationship: You’re both the same incompatible people. You point the finger that they didn’t change. They return fire, saying it’s not them, it’s you that keeps doing the same things as before. Now you both are locked into an argument about who is ruining the relationship. Why did you go back before making any personal gains? Why did you give them a second chance before testing to see if they had truly learned and evolved? Because typical people don’t listen to advice, they don’t work on themselves, they wait, get bored, and rush right back into the fire.
You’re going to end up settling for someone that happens to be in your face at the right time and live to regret it: If it isn’t an ex, it’ll be your next, that proves that you’re too stubborn to ever win at life. You didn’t meditate, you didn’t switch your POV, you didn’t poke around your own head to understand why your life is the way it is, all you did was go to work, watch Netflix, and fill up your Amazon Wishlist. What you call working on yourself, is just living as a single person. All the holes that you need to be filled are still there, and you don’t even address it, even after I just laid all this stuff out. You know how to adult… you got this… then the reality hits you that you’re not happy alone. You see someone get married, a couple out having fun, or an ex finally move on and your mask shatters. The next person that catches your eye will win you over by doing the bare minimum because they’re at the right time and right place. They will play games, manipulate, or expose their incompatibilities after the honeymoon period dies out. You won’t go anywhere because you remember what being single felt like. You said you were cool, but you were lonely as fuck. You’ll stay, you’ll make it work, you’ll front to friends, family, and the internet like you’re in paradise. But I know the truth. You settled for a relationship that will eventually turn to shit because you did zero work while you were single.
The Enlightened Path
Being single can be the best thing to ever happen to your mental health if you spend that time addressing all the things you need to work on as opposed to dwelling on past relationships or anticipating future ones. Is your money right? Are your career goals being met? Are you actually having fun in life or are you living just to pay bills and waste time online? The lie you’ve been sold is that you need someone else to come into your world and make your life better by loving you unconditionally. External love is often fleeting and rarely unconditional, people give and take their love away, and you have no control over that.
Focus on being great enough for you, not good enough for some flavor of the week! Stop using the time between relationships to sit on your ass and complain, and start to constructively build the kind of life you want to be living regardless of who is or isn’t in it. The right person will always come into your life at the right time, but you’re so wrapped up in waiting for them that you’re neglecting the fact that you aren’t yet right in your own life. Stop talking about your aspirations, stop over-planning your next move, stop with any excuse that has you standing still instead of moving forward.
Spoiler Alert: Working on yourself, takes actual work! There is nothing that can hold you back from rebounding from a bad breakup. Trust issues, low self-esteem, past betrayals, present hopelessness, the fear of a future where you’ll always be alone–You can beat all of those things once you master emotional maturity! Help yourself to heal by giving yourself the proper time to heal. Follow the examples used above, awaken your inner Spartan, and only when you feel renewed and empowered by all the things you learned and achieved while focused on self-improvement, should you get back into the dating pool as that New You.
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