Damon Dash scarified Aaliyah so he could sell vodka. Jennifer Hudson had her family massacred for a Grammy. Kanye West worships the devil because he wants more Louie Vuitton. It’s called the Illuminati, a secret society where all they ask is trust—and a really big imagination.

In the past year the Illuminati has gone from being a joke to being a full blown “monster in the closet” that sparks barbershop debates across the nation. And I’m here to say it does exist…

Black People got too much damn religion as it is” –O Dawg (Menace II Society)


Black people love to get religious on your ass, especially the older ones. I’ve never had a Jewish person stop me in front of Subway and try to teach me about the Torah or say “fuck that New Testament, this Old Testament is more John Blaze”. But I’ve had plenty Baptist folks catch me slipping. Admit it; everyone has been corned by that grey haired old lady or toothless old man who tries to get you to join their church. These fuckers will talk about scriptures for hours— and don’t know shit! They’re either regurgitating what the preacher said last Sunday or cutting and pasting together their own sermon. The thing that pisses me off isn’t that recruitment; it’s the fact that they’re telling you the wrong shit. Once when I was in high school this old guy told me about how god doesn’t like white people, and tried to quote bible verses to prove it—dude I’m a 17 year old impressionable youth—why would you try to brain wash me like that? But you can’t say anything negative to your elders, no matter how disillusioned they are. You’re forced to sit, nod, and say—“That makes so much sense.” In reality I want to just yell out “Beelzebub I worship thee 666!” and roll my eyes back in my head until that old biddy pisses her granny panties.

illuminati Pictures, Images and Photos

As you can tell I’m not religious, although I do believe there is a higher power, I think organized religion is a total sham. But growing up in the Black community you find that people do not want to hear you question Jesus, Mary, or that other guy in the sandals. I once had a girlfriend who told her mother that she didn’t believe in god anymore because I told her it was make believe—needless to say I wasn’t welcome in that house after that. Her stupid ass misinterpreted my questioning of god as a disownment, which isn’t what I was aiming for. I would never tell anyone that god is imaginary or Jesus is magic. I respect people’s beliefs, I just don’t like people to blindly follow something and not understand why.

I say all of that to say this about the Illuminati— this entire devil worship bullshit is a byproduct of being overly religious. Religious belief is funny because you can be the most logical person in the world—yet you believe in angels who blow trumpets because “it was written” So by nature if you believe in Angels then you have to believe in demons, you can’t have one or the other.It’s kind of like True Blood; my girl said something about “Werewolves? That’s stupid, they don’t exist.” But if you buy into the reality that Vampire Bill exists then you have to suspend your disbelief about werewolves, because it’s essentially the same shit.

True Blood Poster Pictures, Images and Photos

My fiancé is diehard Christian who is convinced one day she will save me, but we have a rule in our house that we don’t talk about religion at all, that way no one gets offended, and by no one I mean her. Still, to her everything I do is the devil talking. But that’s what her church teaches her, these Mason Betha’s scream and shout “The Devil is alive! The Devil will eat your face!” That sneaky red bastard controls everything from that girl with the big tits who will try to get you to cheat, to that lottery scratch off that didn’t give you the last 7 you needed to win a million dollars. That’s fine, I can totally buy the “Devil as a metaphor for temptation”you can argue that point… until you start trying to convince me that rappers wear black jewelry because they are paying homage to the devil. Now you’re moved past Christian theology and into some ignorant shit.

The Illuminati a secret organization of politicians, entertainers, and businessmen who have come together to do the devils bidding, taking over the world one black and white music video at a time. I don’t doubt that back in the Queen’s England circa 1634 there may have been a few Stone Cutters and Mason’s who conspired to rig elections, swindle money, and bring down local governments, but I doubt that it had anything to do with human sacrifice and blood rituals. The real Illuminati and masons were basically a gang that used their combined skills to gain power. In a world where there were limitations like casts systems holding people back, It’s understandable that the local blacksmiths or sheep herders would need something like the free masons to get ahead in the world. After all it’s not about what you know, but who you know—that’s not Illuminati—that’s life.

Jay-Z didn’t sell his soul to the devil for a platinum record, fuck I doubt that the devil would even hang in Brooklyn; he seems more like an Upper Eastside sort of guy. Hova didn’t marry Beyonce to spawn some JJ Evans meets Solange mutant—he’s just a nigga who likes red bones. Nothing more nothing less.

You know who talks about this Illuminati shit the most—broke people. You’re down on your luck, you’ve been a good Christian/Muslim/Taoist but things just aren’t going your way… you pray. You try to treat everyone fairly and live life as God would. But here you are, still broke, still having car problems, still can’t find love—Why? It’s the devil holding you down of course; it has nothing to do with you as a person. You see people on TV who you don’t like getting rich, being successful, so it has to be some kind of secret Mason shit. Because in a fair and honest world, you would have invented Crank That Soulja Boy and would be fucking video hoes. You and your equally broke friends get together and start to point out the occult things in music videos, read conspiracy theory websites about 9/11, The Lakers winning championships etc… you’ve figured it out—the Illuminati has taken over the world! If you squint your eyes hard enough and spin around three times you can see Osama Bin Laden in the background of Kanye West’s Power video! Holy shit, where was Rick Ross the day Kennedy was shot? If you slow down the Zapruder film you can see a fat black man with a beard behind the grassy knoll! People are morons!

Illuminati Pictures, Images and Photos

Let’s say it exists. What if I told you, straight up, I’m a member of the Illuminati? I made a pact with a group of men who in turn made a pack with another group of men, and we look out for each other all over the world. Would that be so bad? What’s evil about a fraternity? Let’s take it to the extreme. Maybe we all drink cow blood and pray to Satan every night instead of Christ or Muhammad, and guess what—it’s been working! What if I offered you a chance to join up with us? I say, “Tonight when you lay your head, say a prayer to Satan, and see what happens to your luck…

I bet 80% of those same disgruntled bastards who are spreading Illuminati rumors would think about doing that. I guarantee you out of that group; half would try it on the low. I truly believe there is a God; do I believe there is a devil? Fuck No. Who needs an evil force when mankind itself is greedy, envious, and hateful? Human insecurity created the Illuminati to explain unlikely success, just as ancient Greeks created Zeus to explain why we had thunder storms. That’s what mankind has done since the dawn of time; we make up bullshit in order to explain things we can’t comprehend. Sarah Palin’s not a millionaire because she’s a tool of the devil; she’s a millionaire because she’s a fucking winner. If your ego won’t allow you to admit your shortcomings and acknowledge others strengths, then the only devil in the room is right there inside you.

Now pardon me while I go put on my black gold Jesus chain, turn my 2pac up, read Machiavelli, and watch some black and white Beyonce videos.