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I’m the Joe Montana of Eating Pussy, which means I’m one of the best that’s ever done it. If you lined up all the girls who’ve I’ve gone down on and had them cast ballots, I know I’d make it to the hall of fame of pussy eaters. You see for me when I see a pretty girl a few things run through my head—“she’s cute. She’s sexy. I’d eat that.” Before you get grossed out, I can count on one hand (okay a hand and a few fingers) girls I’ve eaten out. I’d had girlfriends who I didn’t go down on because they didn’t move me in that way. I see my cunnilingus skills as a superpower. It’s my Wolverine Claws; I’m not going to pop out the adamantium unless it’s a good reason. I don’t have to be in a relationship with you, or even like you, me giving a girl the best head of her life comes down to a gut feeling and desire to blow her mind.

But something has happened recently.Guys don’t reserve going down on a girl for the baddest of the baddest, they’re just looking to lick for all the wrong reasons. I give every guy one bad eat, that one chick that you fucked up and ate. When you’re young and trying to find your rhythm you may have one or two you may want to take back. But if you’re grown, and your pussy eating technique has been established, why are you eating every chick that spreads her legs?

Niggas are bitches. Back when I was growing up we didn’t talk about eating pussy, niggas denied that they even did it. It was this dark secret that you kept to yourself because it wasn’t macho man savage. But somewhere things got fucked up. Suddenly guys are talking about eating pussy, licking ass, sucking toes, and proud of it. These clowns have fucked the game up for everyone. Now eating the pussy isn’t a special privilege reserved for top shelf hoes, it’s expected by all of them. The phrase “You got to lick it before you stick it” fucked everything up, because dudes agreed to that rule.

If I have to give you head in order for you to have sex with me, then I haven’t done my job ...

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