I’m the Joe Montana of Eating Pussy, which means I’m one of the best that’s ever done it. If you lined up all the girls who’ve I’ve gone down on and had them cast ballots, I know I’d make it to the hall of fame of pussy eaters. You see for me when I see a pretty girl a few things run through my head—“she’s cute. She’s sexy. I’d eat that.” Before you get grossed out, I can count on one hand (okay a hand and a few fingers) girls I’ve eaten out. I’d had girlfriends who I didn’t go down on because they didn’t move me in that way. I see my cunnilingus skills as a superpower. It’s my Wolverine Claws; I’m not going to pop out the adamantium unless it’s a good reason. I don’t have to be in a relationship with you, or even like you, me giving a girl the best head of her life comes down to a gut feeling and desire to blow her mind.

But something has happened recently.Guys don’t reserve going down on a girl for the baddest of the baddest, they’re just looking to lick for all the wrong reasons. I give every guy one bad eat, that one chick that you fucked up and ate. When you’re young and trying to find your rhythm you may have one or two you may want to take back. But if you’re grown, and your pussy eating technique has been established, why are you eating every chick that spreads her legs?

Niggas are bitches. Back when I was growing up we didn’t talk about eating pussy, niggas denied that they even did it. It was this dark secret that you kept to yourself because it wasn’t macho man savage. But somewhere things got fucked up. Suddenly guys are talking about eating pussy, licking ass, sucking toes, and proud of it. These clowns have fucked the game up for everyone. Now eating the pussy isn’t a special privilege reserved for top shelf hoes, it’s expected by all of them. The phrase “You got to lick it before you stick it” fucked everything up, because dudes agreed to that rule.

If I have to give you head in order for you to have sex with me, then I haven’t done my job right. If a girl were to ever say something like that to me I would be offended, and I’m not sure if I wouldn’t apply a headlock to her ignorant ass. But this is the new millennium and guys will do it all day long.

EAT IT TO GET SOME: “come on, I’ll eat it first”. If you do this, you’re a lame ass dude. Show some self-respect. Tame the pussy, don’t let it tame you.

EAT IT BECAUSE SHE SAID SO: If she calls you just to come over and eat it, and you don’t get anything but a hand job—you’re a sucker. She has the power over you, you are now her bitch.

EAT IT IF SHE SUCKS IT: Unless you’re 15 head for head should never be bartered. It’s saying, I don’t trust you nor do I want to have oral sex with you. If she wanted to suck it, she would. In the end it’s going to be wack head. She’s going to make you go first, she’ll cum, then suck your shit for three minutes then say her mouth hurts. OWNED.

EAT IT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO: It’s okay to be nasty. If a girl makes your mouth water, fuck it go and do your thing. But do it because you want to, not because she’s blackmailing you. I told my fiancé, “I just want to eat it”. I actually said that to her on our second date, this was how smitten I was with this bitch. She didn’t object, and eating turned into something else. She still teases me about that to this day, saying she should have taken the head and ran. But she knows and I know, that me eating it is the reason she’s about to have my last name.

PhotobucketI think younger dudes don’t have enough guidance. Girls today are very open when it comes to talking about sex. When I was 18 I never heard a girl say “let me sit on your face”. Today’s female has no problem with fucking your face while smoking your blunt and drinking your moscato. For a girl, even averagely attractive, to ask a guy to go down on her, is a turn on. Men are freaks, but you have to draw a line. You will not treat my face like a saddle and expect me to wipe my chin, put my shoes on, go home and beat off, just because you have a phat ass. Today’s men don’t take pride in their dick game. They rely too much on giving head, I see these lame niggas on Facebook and twitter dropping comments or @’ing bitches things about how they want to lick them until they squirt and so on—Dog—you’re a man, not a fucking lesbian, how about talking about how you’re going to lay pipe until she can’t walk anymore? Why are you taking pride in a skill anybody with a tongue can do?

I think because girls are more receptive to a guy saying “I want you to cum in my mouth” than him saying “I wanna long dick you doggystyle”. A female may get turned off by a guy talking dirty about his dick, yet she’ll be turned on when he whispers about eating her coochie. I understand that, oral sex isn’t as emotionally attaching as vaginal sex. So If I was a girl, I’d be all for squirting in mouths and getting my ass licked, but I’m a guy and I’m mad that my brothers have become pussy whipped without even hitting the pussy.

Men, it’s time to take back the tongues. Leave the late night “head calls” for the ugly dudes who can’t get any. Take pride in your stroke and reserve your holy tongue for the bad bitches. The next time you’re in a parked car with some sweaty ratchet who didn’t wear panties to the club, don’t go down and eat that funky shit, slide that condom on and serve her hard dick like a real man.

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