IF I Were a Black Girl:
I would hate white women for taking my men. Asian women for speaking that Lucy Liu shit in the nailshop when I know they really talking about my fucked up pinky toe. Latina hoes cus them bitches think they’re cute. And Black girls because them hoes always looking at me funny.
I would make fun of expensive lacefront wigs and weaves, because once my shit grows out yall going to hate me. So what if my hair is damaged and my ends look like they’re auditioning to be part of a Brillo pad, I ain’t cutting my shit– it’ll grow.
I would text my boyfriend at odd hours of the night just to make sure he’s not cheating. Because if he reads a text saying “Wut U Doing” at 2:30am he’s not going to go through with inserting his dick in that girl. So now when my girls say he creeping I can say, “Bitch I just texted him, he ain’t doing shit”.
I would go to the club with this fake ass bitch even though I can’t stand her. I’ll buy her one drink cus I know she in-between jobs, but that’s it! Me and her ain’t cool but I’m going to let her stay over my house, just want to make sure she ain’t saying nothing about me.
I would tell everyone how I hate Brandon cus he’s a dirty, bum ass nigga, with two baby mammas and no job. But when we’re alone and he pops for the pussy—I’m a give it to him, but I still don’t like him, I’m just going through things with my boo.
Although I have 1200 in the bank and forty dollars in my purse, I’m going to tell this nigga I’m flat broke when he asks for two dollars to tip the valet. I can’t be spending this money, a Tsunami might hit and I may need to get home. Nobody told this nigga to come out with just his debit card, I’m broke.
I would never eat another bitch’s pussy, that’s gay. But if she cute and trying to go down on me, I’ll let her, because that’s not really gay if you think about it.
I would wear the tightest shortest dress I have, put glitter on my titties for accentuation, and go out to the club with the most niggerish niggas. But a nigga better not look at me, touch me, or ask to dance with me. Just because I’m dressed like a slut that doesn’t give you the right to pay attention to me!
I’d tell everyone how I hate how girls be putting themselves out there on the internet! But for my facebook I’m going to take a profile picture showing nothing but my cleavage. But I’m not like these other girls trying to get attention from niggas on the internet—I’m classy.
I would exclaim, this nigga done took me out, paid for everything, and ain’t even try and get me to come back to his place. Furthermore he ain’t even palm my ass when he hugged me good night! Hell no, I can’t deal with this nigga, he too nice. I need a thug nigga wit dreads and no ambition—that gets my panties moist.
Then next week I would ask: “Where all the good men at?”
I wouldn’t want anybody up in my business but I’m going to tweet about how this nigga doing me wrong, how my cell phone is about to be cut off, and that I got a rash on my thigh.
On nights that I don’t feel like going out, I’m going to make everyone feel like shit by saying, “I don’t even club no more, I’m getting to old for that shit, yall need to slow down.”
On nights that I do club, I’m going to make everyone feel like shit by saying, “that bitch dick whipped, she trying to act like she don’t want to go out and have fun, she just want to be up under that nigga, old lame ass hoe!”
When I meet a nigga that’s wearing a button up shirt and looks like he has a few dollars I’m going to put on my white girl voice and say “Ask” instead of “Ax” and “excuse me” instead of “Huh?” that way he can see I went to the 3rd best high school in the city and I’m trying to be something.
I would say “I’d fuck Trey Songz” several times in front of my boyfriend, because that’s not disrespectful.
Even though me and her wear the same size, I’m going to call her fat behind her back, because she is. All my weight is in my titties and ass, yeah I got a little gut, but I’m sexy.
When he cheats on me the first time, I can forgive that, but when he cheats on me the 2nd and 3rd time—okay, I’ll give him one more chance, but only because I love him and we been through so much.
I’d always say, “I’m done with my ex, for real this time, I can’t keep doing this”.
I’d be in the club rocking the dress I borrowed from my fat friend, a purse I got from my cousin, and these shoes from Nordstrom’s that I can’t waste nothing on, cus I’m taking them back tomorrow, singing “you Fancy Huh” pointing to myself cus you can’t tell me I ain’t the baddest bitch in here.
The first time I go down I’ll warn him that I don’t know how to suck dick— but the 2nd time I give him head I’ll suck the hell out of it like Karine Steffans jumped in my body like Whoopi Goldberg on Ghost.
I would hate Nicki Minaj, but let me go look at these pictures she took for complex, not because I like her, I just want to see if I can tell if her butt is fake. Yeah I got her song as my ringtone, but only cus I like the beat, she corny for real.
I would be blown that this nigga sitting there playing video games, knowing I’m mad. I mean I didn’t tell him I’m mad, or give him any reason to think I was mad, but he should know me by now. When I start painting my toes while listening to Keyshia Cole’s first CD from when she had the fucked up cheescake weave that means I’m mad! Is he retarded! How long has he known me? He’s so selfish yo!
When he finally sees me scowling, and asks, “You okay baby”, I’m going to be like “Uh huh, I’m good”. But really that means “YEAH NIGGA I’M FUCKING PISSED CAN’T YOU TELL”!
I know my homegirl Is down for whatever and my man’s cheated on me a few times, but nothing will happen if I let her chill at the crib until I get home from work, it’s all good.
I would tell all the men I’m with that I can’t get pregnant, even though there is no medical proof of this, I’ve been fucking since I was 16 and haven’t got pregnant yet, so according to Wikipedia and my cousin Renee, that mean we don’t have to use birth control.
I would talk to my mother four times a day.
I would say stop writing this stupid ass blog, so we can watch Desperate Housewives—
Which is what she just said to me… I’m out.