My homie hit me up the other day to tell me about this girl we’ve both known for years and how he finally smashed her thanks to the power of Facebook pimping. Being wifed up I have to live vicariously through my boy’s encounters (and Adara’s tweets) because new pussy is no longer on my menu, unless you count the occasional new pronstar vag i sneak a peek at when she’s at work. So of course I had to ask my homeboy the entire epic story of how it all came to be. Long story short, she was going through something with her BF, he put in game, she warmed up to him, he sent a dick pic, she really really warmed up– they had sex. Then things took a turn for the worst. She became jealous, irritated, and finally told him that she was going back to her ex-boyfriend last week. Unlike most dudes, from jump my boy asked this woman what it was going to be. Are they going to be friends or is she looking for something else? Of course she went with the safe and guarded, “oh, we can just kick it” line. Two months later here she is telling him “all we do is have sex” That’s what you signed up for lady! Expecting no-strings-attached sex to evolve into wedding bells NEVER HAPPENS.

WHY DO GIRLS DO THIS?

If you want the comfort of a man cuddling with you at night– If you want the feeling of a guy spending money to take you out to nice restaurants– If you want to be able to tell all of your friends that you have someone special in your life… Why would you sign a Dick Contract?

A Dick Contract is an unwritten agreement that we’re going to do things that boyfriend and girlfriends do, but at the end of the day, it’s not that serious. IT WILL NEVER BE THAT SERIOUS, all you get is– you got it– DICK. Anytime you give a guy the ass without making him your BF first, you’re agreeing to his rules and conditions. The Modern woman loves to hit you with the “I’m doing niggas how they do girls, I’m not having any love in my heart”. That may work a few times, maybe on a sloppy one night stand or on that one lame dude who keeps calling you “beautiful”, but not on a real man who knows how to lay it down proper after you finish watching that RedBox movie. If he knows what he’s doing Mr. “Oh he’s just my friend” will give you backshots until you’re back in June fucking Cleaver mode. You’ll go from telling him that he can’t spend the night to wanting to bake him pies and cut his steak.

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Women are Women for a reason. No matter how “like a boy” you want to be, being a nurturer is built in your DNA. You can’t change thousands of years of evolution just because the last dude did you dirty. It’s in a female to rock a crying baby even if she doesn’t know the kid, and it’s also in her to want to be in a real relationship with a man she likes, sex is not her objective, and that’s what makes Females generally better human beings than men. Embrace that inner “kitchen bitch” stop trying to be like us– we’re animals!

It’s time to clear up this confusion this mixed signal shit is for the birds. I suggest there be a pussy contract between man and women. It’s not fair to my homie who was dicking this girl down, because now he has to find another ass shot on the weekends. It’s not fair to the Girl who was getting boned, because she lost a fun sex partner. And it’s really not fair to the Girl’s boyfriend, because the only reason his bitch came running back was because she realized after months of taking another guy’s seamen on her stomach that she would rather have affection than good penis. Instead of this awkward, “So… what are we doing? Where is this going?” bullshit that happens after four weeks of dating, Women need to cowgirl up and lay down the law.

The Pussy Contract:

()The Relationship Package: You two hereby agree to move at your own pace with the intent of one day becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, agreeing to commit yourself to one another for the foreseeable future. If you choose this package, let it be known that you are not to give him the pussy anytime soon. In addition to waiting way too long to beat, he will be content with eating the pussy whenever you ask, talking on the phone a minimum of five hours a day, and being there when “that bitch at work is getting on your last nerve”. In exchange for the relationship pussy He agrees to introduce you to all friends and family members as “my woman” and erase the numbers of all past girlfriends from his blackberry.

(x)The Rebound Package: You two hereby agree that the woman is in a delicate situation, and while she has the option to upgrade to the relationship package, for the time being this is strictly hardcore nasty sex followed by sporadic arguments when you “Do things that remind her of her ex-boyfriend. The Rebound Package becomes null and void after a period of 60 days or when she gets back with her boyfriend—whichever comes sooner.

()The Jump off Package: You two hereby agree that you just want to fuck. You have a maximum allowance of two dinners outside of the apartment, and you are not allowed to introduce each other to any friends or family. At no time are you to call each other “boo or bay” or say the L word unless it’s to say “I Love this Dick/Pussy”. Both parties have the right to see/date/talk to/Marry anyone they want to while apart of this agreement.

(x)The Oral Add On: If you choose this add on both of you reserve the right to ask for and receive head at any time regardless of if you “like doing it” or not.

*The Freak Clause: If it’s revealed at any time during any package that He is a Down Low homosexual or she is into things nastier than the occasional girl on girl experimentation, i.e. filmed gangbangs and golden showers, the contract becomes void. …unless of course you’re into that sort of thing.

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