Valentine’s Day, you either hate it or love it. If you’re a guy, it’s all good because the clubs are open and a gang of lonely women are ready to lower expectations and dance (or fuck) the night away with you. We use to say, “Yo, if you can’t pull a broad tonight, your arm is weak as hell”.  And that same line of thinking remains, so this blog isn’t for the fellas because you don’t need my help Valentine’s weekend… hopefully. But the ladies, from the things I’ve seen on twitter and facebook, I’m a bit worried about you.

If You’re Single & Basic
You complain about Valentine’s Day, hate on everyone in a relationship and post Basic ass status updates on Facebook like “I don’t know why girls get hype, I don’t need for it to be a holiday to get flowers from my man”. Really??? Bitch you don’t have a man, you have a nigga you talk to (there’s a difference), and he doesn’t have any money to take you out so your bitter ass is stuck in the house watching Bad Girls Club and #subtweeting mean things to girls who are getting ready to go out on a date. 

You go out to the club, see that it’s a gang of thirsty niggas on the dance floor trying to slide their hands down your tights, and get mad. You do realize going to the club on Valentine’s Day is like dropping a tampon in a piranha tank. Do not go to the damn club the weekend before V-Day or the day of unless you are prepared to be dry humped and molested by thirst buckets. Don’t hate the dudes in the club, hate the fact that you let someone tell you it was a good idea to go in the first place. By walking in you’re telling them “Single and desperate”.

You hide behind your kid. “I don’t need a man; I have my little cupid right here”. That’s cool if you mean it, but don’t front like you’re beyond love because you have a child who gave you a cut out heart. If the nigga you’re feeling called you up (after taking his main chick out to eat) and said “can I slide through“, you would be quick to throw Junior in the car, take him to Grandma’s house for the night, and chuck the deuce until the morning.

Hating on the holiday is the most basic thing you can do, it shows that you are jealous and lonely as hell. If you don’t have someone this year, oh well. Also, February 14th isn’t the day to start looking for love because all you’re going to find is an unapologetic dick inside you.
If You’re Single & Ratchet

You don’t realize that the guy you met on January 23rd has just pregamed your ass so he could get the Valentines ass. A lot of girls have holidays in the back of their heads, so if a guy makes a move after Christmas, she’s already gearing up for what she can get from him come February. The pregame nigga is smarter than the Holiday Ratchet because he knows he can get away with a single rose and a small box of chocolate, and still nail that night. Chocolate and a Teddy Bear are the ratchet equivalent of a diamond ring. Ratchets get open off the smallest shit, because they’re not use to getting much. They will take to the internet and tell everyone how she got some “bomb ass roses and some fancy chocolatehoe let me see you twitpic that sad ass rose and that CVS pharmacy brand chocolate if you’re bout it. If she’s a particularly sexy ratchet who you want to get the holy trinity (head, ass, cooch) from then go one step further and drop $80 on getting her nappy ass hair “did”. She will tweet “Oh my god, my boo just got my hair done for me, I’m so happy to have him in my life right now”. Really you rascally Ratchet? Did you just get open off some Milky Way and highlights?

Ratchets love the club. They are not naive like the single and desperate chicks, and they don’t mind being Ben Roethlisberger’d on the dance floor because they know what it’s hitting for. Ratchets will pile their horny asses in that PT cruiser and hit the club bragging, “Girl I’m going to pull me a gang of niggas tonight, what happens on V-Day stays on V-Day” so classy. Fellas if you don’t have a girl, and don’t want to take anyone out to an overpriced dinner, go to the club—buy the first girl you see in cheap heels some Ciroc Berry, tell her how fancy she looks in that “designer” wet seal blouse and because it’s V-day she may just let you Rowdy Roddy Pipe her.


If You’re Single & Sexy

You don’t hate. You may not embrace the festivities, but you see it for the corporate Holiday it is and accept it. Maybe you’re a romantic, but you don’t have to throw shade on anyone else, you chill with a glass of wine and watch the Notebook or some other tear jerker where someone dies at the end.

You have game. You know niggas are tricks, and you have done your own pregame. That dude who keeps texting you asking to go out, now’s the time to get in those pockets and go down to that Seafood restaurant you’ve read about. At the end of the night you take your dessert in a box, kiss him on the cheek, and thank him for being your valentine. Holla next year son.

Single sexies know other single sexies so make it a girl’s night out, instead of the club, hit a lounge or a nice restaurant where the bar is popping. Free drinks all night, and who knows you may meet someone on your level. Beats hanging in a sweat box club.

World’s Worst Valentine’s Day Card
If You’re Boo’d Up
This is your day. If you’ve been with someone for a minute it’s not about getting shit out of him, it’s about recognizing what you have. If he loves you then he’ll give you something from the heart, be it an engagement ring or a home cooked meal, it doesn’t matter as long as it done with love.

Make Love or Fuck?
A lot of kids are born in November, so fellas make sure you wrap it up or get your Pull Out game down to a science. Ladies, no matter if you’re the basic last minute booty call, the Ratchet from the club, or the Sexy chick who wants to role play with her man that night, go hard in the bedroom. Valentine’s Day is not the day to make gentle sweet Jason’s Lyric type love, it’s time to break out the handcuffs and whipped cream and think outside of the box. Hop on that thing and blow his mind, so every time he sees that tacky pink and red, he thinks about the girl who could spin around from cowgirl to reverse cowgirl without taking the dick out, and roll from missionary to doggy like the shit’s an art form.

Whatever category you fall in, don’t stress, have fun.

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