It’s that time of the year again where the brokest of the broke will get fresh, sip the finest liquor, and attempt to put dubs on a Hyundai. Yup… Tax Return season aka the hood’s version of a glass slipper. For one month, maybe two, you get to live out your dreams of being a baller. But once the clock strikes twelve, i.e., the bank account returns to normalcy, what’s left? It’s none of my business what one person does with their money, god knows I’ve blown money fast and ignorantly chalked it up to the “fuck it” factor but I’ve lived and I’ve learned. Some of you aren’t in a position where you should be blowing money fast and despite having more than a few past due bills you do it year after year. This tax season let me be the cricket on your shoulder. There is nothing wrong with going out and having fun, but three bottles of rosé? Buying Louie Vuitton accessories when you do not own Louie Vuitton clothing? Splurging on Louboutins when you’re a Nine West hoe? C’mon! When you go get that tax return check keep these commandments in mind.

THOU SHALL NOT FLOSS FOR BITCHES: This applies to females too, because guys are bitches as well. The biggest myth in life is that money will get you laid or help you find love. Guys tend to get confident with a few dollars in their pocket. Confidence is a great thing. It gives you the swag to do things you couldn’t normally do, like finally pull that pretty chick who works at the mall. Money gave you the courage to ask her out, it doesn’t mean you have to trick it all. I knew this dude who rented a limo on a first date with a girl. I didn’t understand why he would do this, and then I realized it was March and knowing him it made sense that he would try that hard to fuck. I don’t know if it worked or not, but I’m guessing no. Girls don’t care about your pretend money, if she said yes to a date it wasn’t because you bopped up with a 14k gold cane and a top hat waiving money, she liked you for you. And for women, DON’T PLAY YOURSELF! Niggas who don’t have jobs know its tax return season and him taking you out will end up with you coming out of pocket in the long run. I could list several examples of just one of my boys getting chicks for money around this time. Guys are opportunist; so don’t use the words “I got you” because he will get you.

THOU SHALL NOT COVET OTHER PEOPLE’S KIDS: My home girl claimed a kid last year and got that ass audited, now she owes like 4Gs. I asked how she planned to pay it back, her response “I’m going to claim a better kid this year”… um. A better kid? As if kids have stamped on their ass “low risk of getting your ass audited”? A lot of people get away with claiming other people’s kids, face it, tax season is the one time of the year where junkies and fertile family members come in handy. Morally I have no problem with people who do it, but weight the pros and cons, and be aware that it may boomerang on you. 

THOU SHALL NOT BUY A CAR YOU CAN’T AFFORD THE OIL CHANGE ON: Everyone needs a car. A few extra G’s can go a long way at the dealers, but I warn you. If you don’t have Lexus money don’t let some Used Car salesman game you into balling out of your league. “You don’t want the sentra, buddy, look at you. You want the ladies right? Ladies love 2002 Lexus with 110k miles—it has heated leather seats!” Don’t do it playboy. I love my car but god knows if I knew it was going to cost me $400 dollars for spark plugs I would have went with a chevy. Take your money and invest it in something reliable with low maintenance, a benz looks nice until it has that repo boot on it.

THOU SHALL NOT TRAVEL: You have a few dollars; do you really want to blow it by going on a trip? Are you in a position where a trip is high on your priority list? If your bills are paid and your savings account is raining day ready, then jetset off to Maui for ten days. But if you’re one trip away from going back to a bank account balance in the hundreds, you may want to wait another year. My cousin Keith is the funniest dude I know. A few years ago he called me like, “Yo! I’m flying out there when my girl get her tax money shorty. I’m trying to go to Vegas, Mexico, all of that while I’m in LA”. Real talk. This nigga clearly doesn’t own a globe or map. He just knew that he could now buy a plane ticket and jet set to all of these places that he’s seen on TV. I’m all for getting out of the state or country, but if you only have I-95 money take your ass to Myrtle Beach.

THOU SHALL NOT POP BOTTLES: In today’s world of champagne name dropping a $40 dollar bottle of liquor won’t cut it, niggas have to go to the club and get bottle service. Bottle service is the most overrated bullshit ever. That same $40 bottle of vodka now cost $300 because you’re sitting at a table—yeah it makes no sense to me either. People go to clubs, look over to the VIP, and mean mug because they want to sit over there. But when Bassic people get a few G’s in their pocket they go from wanting to hate to wanting to relate— “Come March that’s going to be me“. WHY??? That’s not your lifestyle, you’re more of a get drunk before I go to the club so I don’t have to pay for any drinks type of person! Do you really won’t to blow a minimum of $600 so you can sit while listening to “No Hands” as opposed to standing and dancing? Pandora radio and a Corona at HOME trumps five bottles at a table that freeloaders are going to drink. There is no such thing as buying out the bar, there is no such thing as shitting on niggas in the club, don’t let hip hop gas you into drinking up all of your tax money.

THOU SHALL NOT GET EASTER FRESH: Popping tags is cool when you’re a high school senior. In the real world you don’t need to waste brand new shit on non occasions. Got a new pair of Nike’s niggas ain’t going to see until next fall? Cool. But if the only place you go is to the mall and to chill with your boys—it’s a fuckn’ waste. You got the same Louie bag that Rihanna had on media take out? Cool. But if you’re rocking it to the supermarket and the ratchet club it doesn’t fucking matter. Why? Because even though it’s real, everyone will think it’s fake because no bitch with real Louie bag money would be dumb enough to rock it to the waffle house. You get syrup or bottom shelf liquor spilled on the Coach bag, not the Gucci. There is no equity in foamposites, if you can’t afford to replace them once they’re scuffed then you’re not a sneaker head, you’re balling out of your league. And shoutout to the ladies who go to the fancy “Salon” not “The Shop”, this time a year because they want to pamper themselves. There is pampering and then there is going overboard. Hair is like a car, if you can’t afford to keep up with it, then don’t step out of your comfort zone. Go and let them hairstylist hustle you into dropping $250 bundles in your hair instead of that $60 variety that you can afford. In two months you’ll be back to the economy price glue in’s because you couldn’t afford to keep up with the Olivia’s.

THOU SHALL NOT GET A THOUSAND ONES: Exotic dancers got to eat too. While the bi-sexual dude calling himself “Thunder” may be forced to beat off on stage to overweight grandma’s most of the year, this is where he really racks up. Tax season promises an influx of younger attractive women looking to emulate men by making it rain in the strip clubs. If you want random penis slung in your face, cool, but ask yourself do you really have to pay for that? You could walk into any club in America point a guy out and make him do it for free, why trick? As for the fellas, I don’t even have to say more than this— she’s a stripper, she’s not going to fuck you because you threw money at her naked ass. The feeling you get seeing your thrown money in the air for three seconds is not worth it. But you have to do it so you can say you did it… go ahead and make it rain homie.

THOU SHALL NOT RENOVATE A PROJECT: Renovate your basement. It’s a good idea, adds value to your property. But if the only deed you own is Baltic Ave on Monopoly why the fuck are you mounting three flat screens on the wall, getting a crystal chandelier, and installing a Jacuzzi tub? YOU HAVE ROACHES! Shouldn’t you be looking for a cleaner place? We’ve all been over to those places where the toilets broke, the screen door has a hole in it, but they have the nicest white leather couch you will ever see. Satin sheets on the bed, but the bed’s on the floor. No food but the refrigerator has a built in TV. I love niggas.

THOU SHALL NOT FRONT ON YOUR HOMIES: I know you. I know you’re broke, but for some reason you get money and front as if I don’t know where it came from. You didn’t rob a bank, you didn’t flip keys—you claimed that junkie’s kid… or, if you’re from the DMV, reconciled with your baby moms so you could claim your own kids before breaking up with her again. Either way you don’t have to front about how you got it, there is nothing to be ashamed of. 5k isn’t the same as 500k, keep a level head. Your real friends are going to be there when that money runs out, so don’t talk down to them or act like you’re doing better. Saying cocky shit like “ain’t it time to get a new bag?” or “I don’t even drink moscato no more, I need that Clicquot” while butchering the word is not cool! Black people get real rich on you real fast when they’re not use to having shit. Know who your real friends are when you’re out treating everyone to bottle service and manicures. Your real friend won’t be there telling you to order another shot of patron, they’ll be there telling you that’s enough. They’re not telling you to chill because their hating or jealous that you’re fake balling. They’re being a good friend.

THOU SHALL SAVE: Put this rule before them all. The bank is not your enemy. Save nigga SAVE!

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