Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy marries girl. It should be that simple right? But we don’t live in a fucking Meg Ryan movie, we live in the real world and this is how it goes. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy waits for something better to come along. People make a lot of money blowing smoke up women’s asses on why their relationship has yet to hit the “bended Knee” era. Let’s get pass this dense reason of “he’s not ready” and move onto the top reason why he doesn’t want to marry you. He thinks he can do better.

I don’t care if you’re a supermodel. A med student, a business owner, or the hottest big booty Judy in Ratchetville. None of that “look at what a catch I am” stuff matters if he’s a Turtle nigga. Turtle nigga’s are those guys who get into relationships that are perfect, but are slow to catch on to how perfect it really is until it’s too late. He’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop, something has to go wrong eventually so he’s not 100% committed to being down for this chick. You’re doing everything right but he’s just not responding—what’s wrong with you? Nothing!  He is a Turtle! He’s not cheating, he’s not talking to other girls, he’s not afraid, he’s just Slow— Forrest Gump…  By the time he realizes this girl was his soulmate it’s either A) Too late because she got sick of waiting for him to ask. B) Its ten years later and no one who knows you gives a fuck, they say “Oh, I thought yall were already married”. How frustrating is it to be in love with someone like that? I don’t like to wait in line for food; I’m not waiting for someone to decide they’re ready to be with me. Not all women are going to go Christie and get down on one knee to propose, and honestly you asking him to marry you is akin to holding a gun to his head, he’ll say yeah at that moment, but don’t be surprised if he finds a way to back out of it once that moment is over. If he really wanted to marry you he would have asked you. So how do you know if you’re getting into a relationship with a Turtle or a guy who’s going to grow at the same rate you are? You don’t. The key is to know some of the main reasons why he hasn’t come around.

There is Always Someone Prettier: Men are shallow and we want the hottest bitch ever. The thing about the hottest bitch ever is that she doesn’t exist because for every pretty girl there is one that trumps her. The PC thing to say would be “looks don’t matter, it’s about her heart, and the physical things should be considered a nice treat”. Fuck that, I’m going to keep it all the way real, no way I’m settling down with something that’s not going to turn heads. But it’s deeper than that because men aren’t content with dimes, they want a quickel. That girl who hits 15 on a scale of one to ten. Quickel’s don’t fucking exist. Be happy with what you have because looks fade. Looks are like magic tricks, if you see the shit every day you’re going to forget how impressive they are. Anyone who’s been in a long time relationship has no idea how the other person looks, it’s not something you even think about. Changing your hair is like changing your panties— I don’t notice it unless you point it out. You’re with her so you have to find her attractive or else she’d just be your jumpoff or that ugly chick you hit when you’re bored. This girl is your main chick that makes her the prettiest girl in the world! Don’t disrespect her by saying you love her; all the while you’re searching for an upgrade.

There Will Never Be A Right Time: I know a dude that got married his Junior year of college—still with his wife. I know a couple who waited until they were both established in their careers and got married—still together. There is no right time to get married, no one can tell you to get married after going out for a set period of time. There is no horoscope that’s going to show you the way to bliss. Stop asking people when you should get married—you will know. Stop using statistics to prove that Marriage is dead. It’s not. If someone got divorced because they were under the age of 25 when they got married, that’s on them. You are your own person, recognize that and stop making decisions about your life based on the lifespan of another person’s marriage.

Sidenote– Beware the thirsty proposal: There is never a right time, but please avoid Mr. Fucked Two Times now he’s at Jared’s. If you’ve been fucking with a dude for several weeks and he’s talking about “let’s do this baby” don’t be flattered. Don’t think your pussy is Khloe Kardashian Yankin. Be afraid because you just ran into a geek ass nigga who makes brash decisions. The last thing you want to do with your life is marry a nigga who treats a lifetime commitment like he treats a trip to Vegas. You can’t just do it because you’re on a pussy high. If I married every girl who gave me a pussy high I’d have my picture in front of Zales next to the founder. Sex is good, personalities seem real good, but give it five months and see how you really feel about that person. Lust may look like Love, smell like Love, and fuck your brains out like Love, but it’s not Love.


Money Ain’t A Thing: Get married at that damn courthouse. Get married in the damn backyard. I hate when people say, “We saving”. Really, saving for three years and you don’t even have a ring? You got the BBC coming over to cover your wedding? Jay and Beyonce are performing at the Reception? Then why the fuck are you trying to go Kate Middleton hard, you motherfuckers are broke! No one says you can’t be broke and married. No one is going to judge you for not having a fairytale wedding. You want to show off for Jessica from work, but all you’re doing is showing Jessica how much you just put yourself in debt? Men let pride fuck with them, and I understand you want to give your girl the best of the best, but sometimes it’s not about the top shelf, it’s about the shelf you live on. Get her the best you can give her at the time, you’re a team, she will understand. Eventually things will get better and you can make that 5 year anniversary ten times better.

You Just Know: My boy called me last month and asked me, “Yo, how did you know”. He repeated this several times even when I told him, “I just did”. He wanted details, like when did I realize she was the one, when did I have that epiphany that I was ready to settle down. It wasn’t any special night or anything that she did, I just knew. He has a girl that he’s in love with but something is stopping him from saying, “fuck it, I’m going in” It could be all the things I listed above or it could be that he’s not hearing angels sing. Why do people always need definitive proof from outside sources? There will never be a Morgan Freeman voice that says, “She is the one, my son”, it has to be a voice inside of you that says, “I can’t imagine life without this woman”. How do you know she’s the right one? You just do.

Marriage is something that you don’t want to rush into, but it’s not something you want to put off for wack ass reasons either. For women I say this. Men will play house as long as you let us. If you’re happy we’re happy, let’s Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn the shit out of this thing until one of us dies. I will say I love you until I’m blue, let’s have kids, let’s move in together. But as long as I’m not lawfully wed to you I’m still a free man. Yeah you’re my girl, yeah this is our home, but until that common law shit kicks in I have a shot at moving on to something else if I decide to. You’re Wifey, you’re not my Wife. I don’t owe you shit when it’s all over. Why would any female agree to that type of situation? You’ve been together for two years and you have to creep in and out of his house? Your relationship is young as hell; you’re on the same level as two 17 year olds. Is the dick that good? Once you both know and love each other, what the fuck are you waiting for? Tell him how you feel!!!

For men I’d say this, new pussy is overrated. It may be the best pussy they make, but when you grow up and realize that there is much more to a woman than her vagina it’s life changing. She talks, she thinks, she supports, she jokes, she laughs, she challenges you to be better than what you are. All of this happens with her clothes on! A new pussy is made every day—it’s okay to let go of that. Am I upset that I will never have sex with another woman? No, because it’s not that serious. I’m not crying over new pussy because that’s never been that important to me. I’ve forgotten the names of most of the women I’ve had sex with, and so will you, a good nut doesn’t beat a good woman. It’s not going to be perfect, she will piss you off, she will frustrate you, but you love her so it doesn’t matter. Love isn’t weak, it isn’t gay, it isn’t corny—the shit is more gangsta than anything I’ve ever experienced. If you really love her than you feel what I’m saying right now, if you don’t—then find a better girl, because she’s not the one.

With that said. I’ve been banned from blogging until after the honeymoon. So as I prepare to say “I do” in a few days, I bid you farewell as a single man. I’ll be sneaking in tweets as I lay on the beach sipn’ some drink that should have pause… no homo in front of it, so @ me. In the meantime read the old blogs and check out the folks on my blog list, I’m sure Dr. Jay and my mistress Max will honor me with something brilliant. See you on the other side.

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