Sometimes I neglect the fellas when talking about love and I think that’s because my friends talk about sleeping with girls, rarely do they admit to crying over girls, so I foolishly forget that it’s hard out here for a good dude. There is nothing wrong with a guy being human and hurting over a girl; that’s exactly what I told a little homie who emailed me last week. He’s in college, been going out with this girl since winter, but they aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend yet. He got a call from this girl and she told him that she slept with another guy back home. He’s pissed, as he should be, he put in a lot of work and she gave it away as soon as school broke for summer. Little homie wanted me to write a blog about how women lie to good men, and use his story as a warning to all the good men out there. I had to know more, was this an ex-boyfriend she smashed? Did the two of them have sex in school or was it platonic? More importantly what made him think he was a good man to her? He tells me the girl didn’t go into detail on the guy; he was someone she met through a friend when they went out to celebrate her return home. He and the girl never had sex in school because he didn’t want to pressure her. He was a good man to her because he treated her like a princess and said all the right things. He reiterated that she verbalized that she liked him and there were no problems when they were in school, in his opinion she was “fake”. Pause.

Maybe she was a lying whore who used him to kill time between classes. I don’t know her real reasons for spreading her legs. But I’m going to assume she’s like most young women who meet really sweet guys… turned off. What we have here is a case of a young woman not knowing what she wants, but she does know what she doesn’t want– him.  A woman will meet a guy that’s nice, sweet, loving, and does everything right technically. On paper she would be a fool not to handcuff him. But when pressed about how much she likes him, baby girl cracks. She likes him, but he doesn’t do it for her. “It” being blows your mind, drives you crazy, and gives you butterflies all at the same time—that’s “it”. A woman’s favorite line when talking about a guy she’s seeing but really doesn’t like romantically is, “He’s cool, but it’s something about him”. That one phrase has kept nigga’s dicks dry more times than period blood. Men can’t figure out what’s wrong. Is he not attractive enough? Did he say something wrong? You’re too simple. Most women can’t do simple; they need a challenge. A guy who has swag, issues, and the balls to hang the phone up on her ass and not apologize. Just because shorty says she wants prince charming doesn’t mean she wants prince charming. You can be as “perfect” as you want, but while you’re trying so hard to be upstanding; your chick is at the Holiday Inn with a Goon who’s busting it open to “Tupac Back”. Now look at your perfect ass, sitting in your perfect car with “Marvin’s Room” on repeat, looking like a perfect sucker. Stop it!

Relationship Girl: Relationship Girl is the reason men today are simps. Relationship Girl refers to that type of female that’s in love with love and puts on a front that “xyz” is how a man should act if he wants to be with her. All women have standards, but Relationship Girl is cliché, she regurgitates this Hollywood ideal of love and suckers men into believing that’s what she actually wants. She wants a man that’s sweet, caring, and loving, but she only messes with bad boys who challenge her. She doesn’t want a serious relationship she wants the comments that come with “…Is Now In A Relationship”. She wants to be able to tweet “#oomf better call me tonight” just so the thirsty niggas can inquire who that follower is. Relationship Girl doesn’t want love— she wants to spew love quotes and cosign as if her relationship is one Iceberg away from being Jack and Rose. In reality Relationship Girl is just an attention whore. More than likely Relationship Girl hasn’t even been in a real relationship, yet every time it rains she wants, “…him next to me”. You’ve been single for two years, who the fuck is “him”? Derek from the 11th grade? Just because he was the first dude you gave head to, doesn’t mean it was love eternal. Simps sit back and study Relationship Girl like she’s a cheat sheet because they can’t tell that she’s bullshitting. They see these girls talking about what they want from a man, and just like that ignorant nigga who reads ahead in the text book thinking he’s going to be ahead of the class, they do too much. Instead of being the real you, you’re being who Relationship girl wants you to be.

Bending over backwards… literally
Be Nice without being a Pussy: Girls always tell me, he was okay, but he was too nice. Kissing ass doesn’t mean you’re going to get in that ass. The only time that sugary shit works is when you’re dealing with a girl who’s been Goon’d out her entire life and the first nigga that doesn’t answer the phone, “what bitch” is going to get the panties. It’s the 21st century. Enough women have grown up on Baby Boy to want the Jody and Yvette love affair instead of Romeo and Juliet. Romeo and Juliet didn’t fist fight or fuck, they wrote letters. In Verona that shit might have made girls pussy pop on the handstand, but we’re dealing with modern day women who need excitement just as much as they need romance! Juliet died without even knowing what Romeo’s dick looked like, these days a girl won’t even pay for dinner if she doesn’t know the size of your penis. Relationship Girl watches Baby Boy and says, “oh he wouldn’t talk to me like that”, bullshit not only would he talk to you like that, you would probably get so turned on by it that you would start making up shit to argue about. Assholism: The Mutant Power of being an asshole. You don’t have to be a complete douche and treat a girl like Chad Ochocinco treats Evelyn. But you have to know when to turn it on and off. It’s okay to be nice and respectful but don’t be a bitch.

Coochie Doesn’t Bite: the homie wrote, “I never pressured her for sex, I never tried once…” See this is where men over-think. “Gee, Wally she’s used to guys trying to have intercourse with her so I’ll act as if I hate vaginal walls. She’ll fall so in love because I’m a good guy!” Fuck out of here. You don’t want to be thirsty, but you’re not doing her any favors by acting like a Eunuch either. Knowing when to take it to the next level is hard. No one can tell you the right time to slide your hands down her pants. But don’t act as if you don’t want it. You do! This girl who went back home and fucked Hook-Up Harry probably would have had sex with the little homie if he showed interest. Being alone with a girl and not trying to overstep your boundaries is like telling her she’s fat. Touch her titty! It’s better to get your hand smacked away and know where you stand, then have her thinking you don’t find her sexually attractive. When a guy tries to fuck a girl that’s an ego boast. Imagine being a female for a second. Your hair’s done, smell good, wearing that $60 bra that makes you look like “Pow”. The guy you’re chilling in the crib with is watching the movie with an arm around you. Wow, he’s really into Tron. He hasn’t tried to kiss your neck, rub your booty, none of that! You would be mad! You’re checking your breath, smelling your armpits, “why didn’t he try and hit like everyone else? I must be losing it”. Be a gentleman, but when put in a situation to test her 90 day sex rule, you better test that shit or turn in your dick to the man police.
Even Princesses Get Ratchet: With my older female friends I find that they’ve started to hit an age where guys don’t want to have fun. I get it, you’ve graduated from college and are now established in your career, you’re far too serious to show these women that other side of you during the courting period. So you become Stuffed-Shirt Sam, you drink wine and talk about the world. You take her out to nice places and have conversations that stimulate her brain and dehydrate her coochie. It’s not that serious. Just because she’s sophisticated doesn’t mean she doesn’t like to cut loose. She’s still young, she wants to laugh, she wants to listen to music, she wants to go to the club and make fun of how people are dressed. These niggas thrive because women get older and begin to settle for boring and safe instead of fun and reckless, but it’s not supposed to be that way. Younger cats front too for different reasons. They see a PYT that looks like @jerseyg22 and think because she’s bad she’s not going to be into fun stuff, they have to act a certain way to impress her. Nigga you’re clowning yourself! Stop second guessing yourself in an attempt to gain brownie points. Remember Aladdin? Princess Jasmine fell in love because Al was different then the men she was use to; he kept it street down to the baggy pants and monkey. Stop treating her like a perfectly painted portrait, and take that bitch off the wall. The Monet Lisa is smiling because she’s thinking about a real nigga— not you.

Work In Progress: I molded him into what I wanted him to be, that’s how you have to treat them” –My Wife attempting to give her friend advice on the phone. After I responded “Fuck you”, I thought about what she said and it’s kind of true. When you meet a girl you’re not perfect, you’ll never be perfect, but women like projects. It’s that maternal instinct to teach and improve that makes them treat their man like a Build-A-Bear. No matter how flawless you try to come off, it’s not going to be good enough, so why try? In the words of my favorite dead musician, “Come as you are”. If she sees potential, she’ll work with it.

You want to know why the girl you liked chose another guy? Because you’re boring and hate to argue. Wait, but you’re not boring and you love to talk shit. Then show it! Be yourself and if she still doesn’t think you’re boyfriend material and just wants to play the dating game then move on. Stop listening to Relationship Girl, stop trying to figure women out, and focus on being true to yourself. It’s okay if you’re silly, its okay if you want to have sex with her, and its okay to be a bit of an asshole. Take the yes out of man, stand up for yourself, and let her know she’s not getting a punk. Women like dick, they don’t actually want to have the dick. 

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