Die Hard Dick: You Put John McClane in any situation and he’s going to make everything all right. There is a class of men who walk around with John McClane Dicks. They whip it out and yell Yippee Ki-Yay motherfucker until the pussy’s beaten up, the arguments forgotten, and the day is saved. It’s the oldest trick in the book and the sole reason old heads told us young boys “You gotta fuck her until she wants to make you a sandwhich“. Good pussy has been known to bring nations to war, but the power of good dick ends war on the home front. Not all women have experienced Die Hard dick so they naively claim that no penetration is powerful enough to make her put up with the bullshit. But for those women who’ve had the pleasure and displeasure of being fucked into amnesia, you know how persuasive orgasms can be. Make-up sex is one thing, but when your entire relationship is built around fighting and dick downs, you have to ask yourself if the nut is worth the headache and heartache. No matter how much you want your relationship to be Hermione and Weasley it’s always going to be Harry and Voldemort. The longer you let an asshole Deathly Hallow that pussy, the harder it will be to leave him. We men know when we have a woman wrapped around our fingers. During sex we can feel how her body reacts, we may not have been the first ones to take her there put it feels like it. Arguments, infidelity, breakups it’s all wiped away with sex. Really? Are you going to be that easy? Get over it. Buy a vibrator, it does the same job and won’t make you cry every other night. Sex is bonding, it connects people, but it’s also exploitation. Some women see sex as love, passion, proof that you’re soul mates. Sex and Love are not the same thing, your mother should have told you that when she was making up stories about Storks. You’re not soul mates you’re just having good sex, it happens. You may think that your next boyfriend won’t be able to take you the top of the Nakatomi Towers, but how will you ever find out if you keep running back to John McClane?
If he only calls you when he wants something—bitch leave. If he would rather hang with his boys than with you—bitch leave. If he has a key to your apartment and has never offered to pay your cable bill—bitch leave. If he has more kids than you have fingers—bitch leave. If his ex-girlfriend knows where you live, work, and the color of your bathroom rug—bitch leave. If he thinks you’re fucking every guy you know—bitch leave. If he’s clubbing like he’s single—bitch leave. If he hits you—bitch leave. If he burns you—bitch leave. If he hasn’t had a real job since you’ve known him—bitch leave. If he hasn’t taken you on a real date since you started fucking—bitch leave. If you have to hack into his Facebook account to ease your mind—bitch leave.
That’s all bullshit. You can’t go by a check off list in real life. Red flags are never red, warning signs don’t come blinking with sirens, if it were that easy to point out a bad man dating wouldn’t be so hard. You can have a thousand examples of things that men do that would make you leave him, but until you’re in that situation with your heart on the line, you can’t say for sure that you would actually leave. Reasoning. Context. History. These are the things that keep people holding on to bad relationships. Every big bad woman likes to huff and puff about how she would never be with a man after he cheats on her, but when push comes to shove and the L word’s involved, she changes that tune and makes an excuse for him. You can’t predict what your heart will put up with. At the same time, you have to fully understand what kind of person you’re dealing with. There comes a breaking point in most relationships when two incompatible people should split, but they don’t, they continue because they’re comfortable with that each other, afraid to find someone new, or plain old delusional. Everyone around you can see that your relationship is weaker than a Lloyd/Miguel beef but you think he’s the best boyfriend ever. In a few months you’ll look back and say, “I can’t believe you let me stay with him so long, what was I thinking” a week later you’re back with him. Yeah, what were you thinking? Men and women are very different when it comes to why they hang around in relationships. I’ve known guys to stick it out for the dumbest reasons.
A) She Has her own place. B) She puts up with his shit. C) The Sex.
Men will cry, “I don’t want to break up, I love you” when in reality he’s saying: “I don’t want to break up, you take care of me“. You are in love with a man who loves you for what you do for him, not who you are. It’s called “Mommy Fucking” and the smartest women fall in love with men who simply want to be pacified like a toddler. I want to focus on Women, because the reasons they hang on to a bad relationship vary and tend to be a little more complex than a man’s reasoning.
“People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be” – Don Draper
Hot and Cold: He’s so nice, then he’s so mean, then he’s nice again, then you’re back fighting. He’s not bi-polar, he’s just an asshole. I can’t stand a bitch nigga. Those dudes who are always acting sensitive for no apparent reason. Those guys are great at attracting girls because when they’re nice, they’re really nice. A chick will be with this dickhead for two months, everything is perfect. He’s affectionate and not afraid to share his feelings, yet he won’t let you boss him around and calls you out on your shit– he’s everything you’ve ever wanted. But once he becomes comfortable with you, out comes the Diana Ross. Everyone’s out to get him, no one cares about him, the next thing you know you’re feeling guilty and you don’t even know what you did. Why would a woman want to be with a man who’s more emotional than she is? Every little thing starts an argument. You can be eating Chinese food and grab the last fortune cookie and it sets this bitch nigga off. Two minutes later you’re in PF Changs getting yelled at for being selfish, “You know I needed that fortune cookie, I told you how my mother never let me have them when I was little” and he’s dead serious. This Hot and Cold nigga has severe baggage from childhood, ex-girlfriends, and life in general that causes him to lash out at you. He’ll come back over and apologize, you’ll make up, and everything will be perfect until you decide to go out with your girlfriends instead of hanging with him, and then he’s back on his emo shit, calling you a lesbian because he’s paranoid and insecure. This guy has issues that your love can’t rectify. He may be nice for a few weeks, but do you want to go through years of walking on eggshells in an attempt to keep him from erupting? He’s not bi-polar, he wants attention. Take your titty out of his mouth and show his emo ass the door.
The Pushover: Women love the pushover at first. He’s not argumentative, he does whatever for you, and when he tells you he loves you, he means it. This is what happens when simps find a girl willing to commit. On paper pushovers look like the guy you want to marry, sweet, giving, and communicative. The problem is no girl wants to rub pussies with her boyfriend. Women like excitement, not niggas who jump at the chance to go get a bi-weekly mani pedi with her. This girl sent me an email asking the best way to break up with her boyfriend who had done her no wrong. He was a pussy nigga who bent over backwards, but she couldn’t take anymore of him overdoing the romance and agreeing with everything she said. The time she told him, “You smother me” he nearly committed suicide, so she stuck with him for nearly a year. I told her straight up that she was ruining her life. You have forced yourself to love a man with the heart of an after school special and now you resent yourself. Don’t feel guilty, he will find another woman! Just because he’s a nice guy doesn’t mean he’s the right guy. Continue to fake it, and the next thing you know you’re cheating on him. The moment a real nigga whispers some hard shit in your ear the levee breaks in your vagina and you’re doing something you swore you would never do because you’re unhappy with the man you have at home. It’s better to end a mediocre relationship with a good man then to continue with a relationship that will make you into a bad woman.
The Runner: People break up and get back together all the time, there is nothing wrong with second chances. But there are some people who break up twice a month. Just like the hot and cold dude, The Runner relies on spurts of good times to hypnotize a girl. He’s a loving boyfriend, then as soon as drama happens, he runs. He doesn’t want to talk it out, he has a secret weapon to end any dispute—it’s called “Bitch try being alone“. My biggest problem with females is that they have this desire to be in a relationship. Some girls think that having a boyfriend will make her happy and give her the validation that she’s a catch. Regardless if you can find someone who wants to be with you or not, you should have the confidence that you are a bad bitch. Instead they put up with assholes that have no problem chucking the deuce when shit hits the fan. “So you’re going to walk out on me after everything we’ve been through” Yeah bitch, because he’s positive that you’re going to chase after him. The Runner is playing a game, he knows that you’re not going to let him walk out of your life, and the fucked up thing is, you know it too. After a week you’ll be sending text messages or passing messages through mutual friends that you’re not mad anymore, and its okay for him to come back. The Runner may even run back to you if you take too long or when he’s done chasing some other girl he likes. It’s all good in his eyes because regardless of how it ended or what he did when you were “broken up” he knows that you’ll take him back if he asks.
But You Love Him: Love is worth fighting for, but love is not worth the fighting. Bad relationships rarely do a 180, but people still desperately cling on to that sinking ship long after they’re underwater. Breaking up isn’t fun, it isn’t easy, and no matter how strong you think you are, it’s going to hurt like a motherfucker for a long time. Deal with it. So you’re single again—who cares. The world doesn’t laugh behind your back every time you fail at love. Every one experiences it. Learning how to end a relationship properly helps prepare you for the next one. In the end everyone has problems, but it’s up to you to recognize who you’re in love with and if your problems are worth working through. If you’re questioning whether he’s a good man, then more than likely he’s a not. Use your better judgment, the answer is right in front of your face if you really want the truth. Are the bad times worth the good times? Does he make you a better person or bring out the worst in you? Don’t look at the examples of people who stuck it out and got married, statistics don’t matter; your situation is unique to you and should be treated that way. Remember that a ring on your finger doesn’t end the drama in your life. If you’re miserable now, you’ll be miserable six months from now. It may hurt, but it’s better to pull the plug on your relationship then love on life support.