“I know it’s time to leave, but I can’t” was the header of an email I received last week after one reader read the last blog. She has been dating this guy since high school and despite the fact that he has become the Hot and Cold guy I wrote about, she can’t leave him alone six years in. But that hasn’t stopped her from cheating on the dude for the past year. Her email didn’t have anything to do with knowing when it was time to leave, it was her wanting to confess to someone. Here’s the thing, I don’t approve of cheating, even when I was running around being a hoe I never rationalized it, it’s dishonest and fucked up. Nevertheless, I don’t judge anyone who cheats. Fucking someone else isn’t illegal. If you’re not married then technically you’re single, so do what the hell you want. But here’s where my bias comes in. As a male, you grow up with this notion that women who cheat are whores, but men who cheat are men. This double standard is embedded in us, and even when you’re old enough to understand that it’s total bullshit, you still hold on to it. Fucking different girls at the same time is just part of life for many men, it’s not about being a pimp or a player, it’s normal. You know when they invented infidelity? It was on the day after they invented monogamy. If most women really took off those rose colored glasses and knew the real percentage of men who cheat, there would be riots in the streets. It’s an unspoken law that boys will be boys, and no one getting on their soapbox will ever change that fact. So I decided that if I’m okay with the notion of men fucking who they want, then I should be able to shrug off my programmed bias and tell women the same thing I would tell one my male friends, “Do You, but be careful“.

If a woman cheats it isn’t because she’s a whore, it’s because she’s unhappy. I suggest breaking up with the guy who’s not fulfilling your needs, but if you don’t want to listen to that advice then I’m not going to turn my back on you and call you names. Despite what some hopeless romantic may tell you, it is possible to be in love with someone and fuck someone else. No one wants to admit it because it makes everyone in the world vulnerable, but it’s true. Remember Menace II Society when young Caine came out on the porch and asked Pernell to show him his gun? Pernell told his bad ass that he shouldn’t be bout that life but then showed him how to hold the gun anyway. Although I don’t think you should cheat, I’m going to be Pernell and show you how to hold that gun anyway. Just remember, Caine died at the end of the movie…

EX-MEN: The First Rule of Creep Club is there is no Creep Club. The Second Rule of Creep Club is not to get attached. Fucking someone you have history with is easy. It doesn’t add to your number. He knows how to eat your coochie properly. It won’t be awkward and you won’t feel as dirty– YAY! What are you Seven years old? You’ve crossed the line, you may as well do it right. If you’re going to cheat on your diet don’t eat a Twix bitch, eat a gallon of ice cream and drench the shit in chocolate syrup. You’ve had that nigga before, what’s the point of leaving a current fucked up situation to rendezvous with an old fucked up situation. Put your big girl thongs on and broaden your horizons. Creeping with your ex gives your ex boo way too much power. Now he’s looking at you like a loser with a limp dick boyfriend. He’s telling his friends he’s still tapping it. He’s flirting with you via text because he has no respect for your man. And if he really starts to miss that old thing, what’s stopping him from blowing up your spot and snitching? It may be easier to pick a dick from the past, but in the end, its more problems than what it’s worth.

KNOW YOUR VALUE: I’ve stressed one thing in this blog above anything else. It doesn’t matter how you look or how much you weigh, you are a woman, and if you have enough swag, 90% of the men in this world will not be able to resist you. The thing about creeping is that it’s not a relationship, all of the rules and drawbacks of finding a man do not exist because you already have one. When holding try outs for a side dick you don’t need to like the nigga, respect the nigga, or care about the other bitches in his life. All you need is to be attracted to him. When men cheat we have to lie because the bad chicks often refuse to be the side hoe. Women don’t have to lie about their current relationship. If you’re vibing with a guy and you tell him you have a man but you’re still down to fuck, he’s not going to run away, he’s going to pinch himself because he just hit the fuckn’ mega millions. Pussy is POWER, few men of sound mind would turn down a casual sex situation, keep that in the back of your mind. A Man may be forced to cheat with someone not as hot as his main chick, but a woman should never downgrade herself. If you like a certain type of nigga, now’s the time to go out and get him, be picky, be shallow, now’s the time! If you’re going to go to bed guilty, it should not be over a nigga that looks like Booker T.

SCREEN HIM: This isn’t going to be a relationship, but that doesn’t mean you should be having one night stands, the nigga should still have to work for your pussy. Men cheat for a quick nut, Women cheat for attention. First off, you want someone different from your man, someone who hangs on your every word and has no problem clit riding how pretty you are. If your boo is soft and gentle, then get a guy who’s more thugged out and likes talking shit and chocking you during sex. Make sure your Creeper knows the situation. Don’t lie to him. Like I said, you’re a woman, this is your candy shop, and no kid can resist. Your side dick isn’t your psychologist; you don’t have to explain to him why you’re fucking around. Never confide in this dude about the struggles of your life, he’s a means to an end, not your best friend. Let him know you have a man, he can’t contact you, he can’t come over, and he can’t be your social network friend. Keep this shit professional, he’s on your time and has to play by your rules. Feel him out for a week or so before you take it there. You have to establish that he’s not crazy and that his freak level is going to be worth it. You don’t want to creep with limp dick Larry and feel dumb. 

FUCK LIKE A NOMAD: Don’t jump off in the same bed you sleep in. Better yet, don’t let that man know where you live. Men always fuck up by bringing chicks through the crib and introducing the skeeos to the homies. Women are smarter than men are, so prove it. If he wants to fuck you, then he should set the place. If you’re not down for his home field advantage, then meet at a neutral site. If Side Dick Rick has a roommate, lives with his moms, or has a girlfriend of his own, then make him take you to the Hotel. Not the Motel, the Hotel. Never go to the same Hotel more than twice, and make sure it’s in a part of town where you and your boyfriend don’t hang out. I suggest the airport.

TELL NO ONE! Your girlfriends are not to be trusted. I know you need to tell someone about how he hit it from an angle that made you squirt but remember what you are doing is frowned upon by most women. Women tend to side with the victim. Even though you are her friend, she’s going to judge you because she can’t help thinking about the tables being turned and her boyfriend cheating on her. Unless you want the guilt and drama, keep it on the hush. Don’t tell your male friend’s either, those niggas probably want to fuck you, and he’s going to be salty that you didn’t cheat on your boo with him. Whomever you confide in has the potential to use that knowledge against you. Even your own mother could be at the Thanksgiving table, get mad at you, and blurt out, “Why didn’t you bring that guy I saw you leaving the Radisson with, you know the one that wasn’t Ricky?“. Don’t even write it down, as someone that had his personal journal discovered and labeled a whore, I suggest keeping it all in your head. It’s exciting and new, but the best-kept secrets are those that remain secret.
Larry: Do you enjoy sucking him off?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: You like his cock?
Anna: I love it!
Larry: You like him coming in your face?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: What does it taste like?
Anna: It tastes like you but sweeter!
SUCKING DICK IS UNFORGIVABLE: I don’t think women understand the power of sucking dick. A man having another man’s girl suck his dick is akin to the Lakers winning the NBA championship in Boston after sweeping the Celtics. It’s the ultimate “fuck you”. You gave him your pussy, okay. Your boyfriend can forgive that. You wrapped your mouth around a foreign penis, came home, and kissed him? Somebody has to die. It’s serious shit. When Lil Wayne says, “Just brought your girlfriend some knee pads” he’s probably talking about a real girl. No nigga wants to be on the end of a blowjob punchline. I don’t care if you like giving head, assume that your infidelity will be discovered eventually and you have to be able to explain yourself. You can always say, “it happened so fast, he put it in, and it was over. It was just sex“. But you can’t explain, “He took his dick out I slobbed on it for thirty minutes, it was just head“. Keep your mouth off his dick. 

MORE THAN 2 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM: You like him. Sex isn’t just physical, it has become emotional. You find yourself thinking about him when your boyfriend is hitting it. You play in your coochie while your boyfriend is in the midst of his post nut snore. You’re ready to climax as you think about last week at the Hilton when jump off Jerome licked your ass. It’s happening. You really like this nigga. Your boy toy probably likes you more. Right now he’s stalking your twitter and trying to find a way to see your Facebook wall. Both of you have developed a Love Jones because what you two have is a perfect relationship. No drama, all sex. Remember that this isn’t real, it’s virtual reality, a fantasy you’re acting out until you either find a way to leave your boyfriend or your boyfriend starts doing the things he use to. If you find yourself falling for your Covert Cock then it’s time to hit the brakes on the affair. The longer the relationship continues the more likely it is that it’s going to be discovered. Do not try to transform your side dick into your new man! I’ve seen it happen, you’re fucking a girl, she likes you, she wants to break up with her boyfriend but only if she can be with you. Do you know what position that puts us in? I’ve never been so sick in my life over ending a relationship, and it was with a girl who wasn’t even mine. Say the guy does want to be with you; don’t you think he’s going to judge the fuck out of you? You’ve managed to have a secret love affair for months without your man knowing, you’re a master liar. How can he trust that you won’t do the same thing to him? Let’s not forget the fact that you really don’t know the real him, you’re only seeing the nice side he shows when flirting and fucking. If this guy becomes whipped because your pussy is yankin most infinite then you’re in for a stalker. This dude will follow you home after the hotel, look up where your boyfriend works, and the next thing you know your cat is crucified on the hood of your boo’s car. Think Fatal Attraction, the nigga version. Never go longer than two months.

WRAP IT UP: Safe sex is always important, even if you and your man are going raw and you no longer like the feel of condoms, be smart. Excuses like, “I can’t keep condoms on me, my man will know I’m creeping” are lame. I’ve seen enough handbags to know that they build them shits with more hidden compartments than crack house. Nothing is stopping you from going to the 7-11 and buying condoms before you link up. Letting your boy toy go raw will have you wondering who your baby father is or burnt and ready to go ham like Janet Jackson at the end of For Colored Girls.

Never Do It For Revenge: Creeping with his best friend or associates won’t make him act right, it makes you look like a hoe. Creeping shouldn’t be about him, it should be about you. If you’re simply out there fucking with the intent purpose of one day screaming at him, “That’s why I fucked your homeboy“, then you’ve already lost. This is about you being in control and treated the way you should be. Once you put the emphasis on fucking out of spite then you prostitute yourself. You’re not fucking for fun; you’re fucking in exchange for his heartache. Sidenote: Don’t forget that girls count too. All of the Creep Club rules apply to those women who seek female attention because it doesn’t seem as bad. I don’t care if your man says it’s okay to fuck with girls; he’s only saying that because his freaky ass wants to be involved. Regardless if you’re taking dick or taking dildos, it’s still cheating. 

KNOW WHEN TO END IT: You’re creeping because your man isn’t doing what he’s supposed to, you’re blowing off steam, not looking to fuck the world. If you find yourself six months and three men into the side dick lifestyle then you risk becoming a freak. Don’t let your bad relationship turn you out morally. If things aren’t changing with your boyfriend despite your indiscretions then walk away.

For the men out there who are offended at the idea of their baby creeping off with some other nigga under his watch, I don’t care. I’ve never had a problem sleeping with another guy’s girl, and neither would you, so don’t front if what goes around comes back around. If your girl is fucking someone else then you failed. Step ya game up. Men cheat and we get a pat on the back, women cheat and get shit thrown in their face. Neither gender is right to cheat. But I wanted to stress to those women who go down this path that you’re not a bad person, live your life baby girl, and fuck those who judge you. Now, this is the heartfelt part of Menace II Society where Caine is showing little Anthony the gun and Jada Pinkett yells at him for continuing the cycle. Regardless of how dirty your boyfriend is doing you, you should be the bigger person. If you’re having problems letting go, adding someone to the mix isn’t going to make leaving him easier. It was your decision to fuck around, and while you can name a hundred excuses as to why you’re cheating, it boils down to one true reason. You were weak. Weak people make easy decisions. Strong people remove themselves from bad relationships from the jump. Skip the drama and learn to let go!

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