I had an Ex-girlfriend that gave the type of head that Homer would have written a long ass poem about, fucked like Roller Girl, and was generally my best friend and confidant. Her skill set was legendary, but obvious by the prefix “ex” she didn’t make it to my finish line. Going back to her was always out of the question but please believe whenever we could find time we would still smash like nothing changed. There was no talk about the break up, no talk about who we were currently fucking, it was two people, who knew how to make each other cum without trying, having fun. Man Law: You cannot cut good pussy off cold turkey. I don’t care if she keyed your car during the break up and called your mother a bitch, if her shit was yanktastic that pussy will telepathically call out for a rematch. You will think to yourself, “one more time and I’m done”, but if you’re weak willed one more time will become two, five, hell even twenty more times. There is nothing wrong with fucking your Ex a few extra times to get it out of your system, the problem comes when you can’t wean yourself off. The thing I’ve found with every girlfriend I’ve ever had is just because we broke up romantically doesn’t mean we’ve broken up sexually. The Ex I described in my opening, I had to cut her completely out of my life in order to stop having sex with her. Technically we were just friends, but I knew that every time we were alone in a car or a house we were going to fuck. My will power is amazing, but my fully erect dick was no match for the fond memories of her hall of fame pussy. So I made a decision, if I wanted to get serious with other girls she had to go.
On the other side of the fence we have those who can’t wean themselves off of their Ex, women who can’t leave the dick alone and men who can’t cut the coochie loose. It’s so easy to say “stop seeing that person” but we are all creatures of habit, we like the original movie, not the remake, we need the old Facebook newsfeed, not the ticker, and we want the old person who gave us bomb head not the new one who can’t make us bust. Our Ex might be a fucked up human being who we have no intention of being with romantically, but they know how to put us at ease both sexually and emotionally. Blah Blah Blah, let’s stop making excuses as to why we’re weak and learn to make the hard decisions in life. Listen to me and repeat: You need your Ex in your life like Beyonce needs a WIC voucher. My Ex understands me, we’ve been through so much” No shit, including the break up. If you want to be with the motherfucker be with them, to drag your feet and enter into this relationship purgatory where you’re still talking to your Ex while dating new people will only lead to problems. You claim you want to move on, do it. Your new man can’t last as long as the old one can, then teach the nigga dick control. Your new girlfriend doesn’t cook for you like your old one, then get the bitch a Paula Dean cook book. There is no excuse big enough to move backwards.
You Have Enough Friends: The reason men can’t get women to trust them is because we have these women we’re still in lust with hitting our phone under the pretense of “We’re Just Friends”. Women know that’s bullshit. You know how? They’re women and they know how other women operate. Your Ex-Girlfriend is not hanging around for brotherly advice she’s hanging around for nostalgic pipe. If I’m having problems with my new chick, guess who’s there—old walls. Don’t let your Ex hover around like you two are platonic, your dick has been in her vagina more times than you can count—platonic don’t live here anymore. Women are famous for saying “we can still be friends” when they end a relationship, and the crazy thing is I think they actually believe that shit at first. But let’s all be true to ourselves, the friendships you form with your Ex is conditional, that condition being– I’m with your ass. You’re pretty close with my mother and I liked playing xbox with your little brother, boo fucking hoo, It’s a divorce, treat it that way. When you cut your Ex off, you need to cut their family off too. Is it okay to call and see if they’re okay or add them on Facebook, sure keep in touch like you would an old co-worker but don’t make these mofo’s your surrogate family. No one wants to bring the person they’re dating over to the crib and see the Ex they’re still in love with eating at the dinner table. The new person needs a chance to bond with your family too, how can they do that if they have to compete with the Ex your family still refers to as “son in law”.

But I’m Single: Let’s say you’re single, it’s okay to still be smashing your Ex because you don’t have anyone right? Wrong! People who claim to be single but are still fucking their Exes aren’t single, they’re confused. “It’s complicated” isn’t just a funny little relationship status, it’s legit. Imagine a girl dating a guy who’s still fucking with his Ex. He told the girl he’s single, and it’s true, they have no titles. But what he failed to mention is that they fuck at least three times a week, they talk on the phone every other day, and if she were to see you two together there would be drama.

EX GIRL: I heard you were at the mall boo’d up with some black ass bitch?
GUY: She’s my friend?
EX GIRL: Friend huh? That hoe know you was eating my pussy last night?

That’s the thing about people who are still seeing their Ex, even if they claim single, that’s not the entire truth. If I take a girl out and her Ex is blowing up her phone, common sense tells me she’s still sucking his dick. Put yourself in the position of the person you’re dating. How serious would you want to be with someone who claims to hate their Ex but when asked when the last time they’ve talked to them they say earlier today? When’s the last time you’ve had sex with your Ex? Two weeks ago. Huh? You may be single in your mind but your body and possibly your heart still belongs to someone else. Clear that shit up before you start proclaiming you’re single and looking to mingle.

What About The Kids: Baby mama drama exists because niggas treat the women they had a kid with like a designated hitter. We don’t want to be with her throwback ass, but when pussy rivers run dry, men will always try to dig in the crates. Niggas are quick to go buy little man a new toy so they can have a reason to go over and see if mama’s still keeping it tight. Those dudes who exploit their baby mama’s make other men afraid to deal with women with kids. The main reason guys are weary of chicks with kids from a previous relationship has nothing to do with those little smart mouth bastards who love to pout, “You ain’t my daddy“. It’s that sneaky nigga whose nut sack they came from that guys are worried about. Dealing with a girl who has a baby daddy is like buying a house with the realtor saying, “The last owner still has keys to the house and part of the deal is that they can stop by anytime. I’m not saying they’ll steal anything or take a shit in your toilet… but they might“. I’m sure most women are strong enough to cut the father of their children off from the juice box, but I’ve talked to several women via email who had the problem of creeping with their baby daddy. One lady told me she didn’t even think the sex with her baby daddy was as good as the sex she had with her current boyfriend, but she couldn’t resist him because of their “bond”. If you don’t trust yourself around your kid’s father then don’t let his ass in the house. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean he can come over anytime he wants. This is why they have custody laws, to keep them at a distance. You come over on this day and pick him up at this time—it can’t be any simpler than that. If you want to talk about extra time, negotiate over the phone, not while he’s sliding on a condom ready to beat it up, “one last time“. Stop using these kids as an excuse to fuck your Ex. Just because he drops junior off after his football game doesn’t mean you have to reward the nigga with pussy.

It’s Not You I Want: If we’re going to keep socializing after we break up then I’m going to try and hit that at least once a month… twice during my birthday month. Women know this, no female is that naïve to think that a guy she was fucking for three months is going to give up the kitty cold turkey and hang with her because of her amazing personality. You don’t need your Ex as your friend, you’re inviting temptation and begging to be taken advantage of. I had an Ex call me to vent about her man, it ended with me having sex with her in that man’s apartment the next day. That wasn’t cool, that was me being a fucked up human being and using her moment of weakness to bust a nut. A real friend would not have done something like that, and that’s the point, I wasn’t her real friend I was her Ex-Boyfriend— clarify people. There are good women and good men out there who can be friends with their Exes and keep it professional so to speak. Then there are assholes like me and the people I’m friends with who don’t respect your new relationship and will try to smash just for the hell of it. It’s like the movie Highlander. These immortals can live forever, yet they fight each other whenever they cross paths, cutting their rival’s heads off and taking their power so they can be the only one that lives forever. Common sense would say let’s not fight, we all win if we live life normally. Fuck that, “there can be only one“, that’s the Highlander motto. And that’s the motto of people who continue to fuck with their Ex’s after they move on. You have someone you like, you’re happy, but I’m going to temp you into fucking me one more time, not because I want to be with you again, I just want to prove that I can hit. It’s not jealousy over your new boo, it’s power tripping. Men and women both allow themselves to be manipulated into destroying their current relationships because their Ex is a Highlander. I’m not going to lie, I’ve made it a habit to smash most of my Ex-Girlfriends after they were in new relationships and now that I look back on it, I do feel bad for doing that. But it takes two people to fuck, which brings me back to the original point. You can have will power, you can have smarts, but you cannot make up for the Ex-Factor, that possibility that when you’re alone with that person who you have so much history with, there is a huge chance that you will do something to fuck up your current relationship. Do not let your past ruin your future because you are too weak to say goodbye.

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