I heard Snoop rap, “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks” before I even had my first girlfriend. I had no idea what that meant at the time, but the older kids would quote it so we younglings assumed Snoop was preaching the gospel. As boys get older and experience heartaches, those lyrics go from being words that rhyme to a state of mind. Your crush chooses another guy over you—Snoop was right. Your girlfriend breaks up with you—Snoop was right. Rumors circulate that your girl is a freak, niggas are probably lying on their dick, but you don’t take her word because Snoop is always right. Men do not want to understand women; we would rather crucify them for making us feel vulnerable. One of my favorite lyrics from Wayne is, “Had my heart broken by a girl named Tammy, but hoes going to be hoes so I can’t blame Tammy“. That one line explains not only Wayne’s constant jabs at womankind but all rappers love/hate relationship with females. Women scare us. The fact that you can fall in love with a chick who ends up giving your pussy away turns even the most secure men paranoid.
“She keep begging me to hit it raw,
So she can have my kids and say it was yours
How foul is she? And you wifed hers/ Shit, I put the rubber on tighter”
When you grow up experiencing love and loss in the ghetto, you meet one particular kind of girl that traumatizes you for life. She’s the prettiest girl on the block and in addition to you, she’s being courted by every nappy-headed kid around the way. Who does she choose? No matter how charming your broke ass is, the older cat or the hustler will usually come away with the girl of your dreams. Boys do not get on the phone with their friends and talk about rejection and having their feelings hurt. Those emotions are seen as feminine so guys keep that shit in until that hurt grows into rage. That girl goes from being his crush to being a hoe, and from that day forth he will put his guard up so he won’t experience that pain ever again. Track 16 on The Chronic Album makes young dudes from the hood feel less alone the same way Track 5 on Nevermind makes disenfranchise white kids feel less alone. Turning on rap music and hearing these millionaires telling him to hold his head, it’s not his fault, these girls are just hoes, it’s comforting in a strange way. Rap isn’t purposely painting a negative picture of women; it’s putting a specific type of heartbreak on wax because most hood dudes go through that. “These hoes be acting up and yall niggas be letting them” is the 21st century version of Uncle Ben telling Peter Parker, “With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility“. For those who don’t understand that world or comprehend the struggle men go through, it comes across as hateful, ignorant woman bashing music. To understand emotionally unavailable men, look no further than the lyrics they relate to and the environment they were raised in. They fear hoes, rejection, and being made to look stupid. They are breed to see love for a woman as a weak emotion but treat that Nino & G Money love for your dawgs as something worth dying for. Riding for your niggas, putting money over bitches, having a main chick, a mistress, and a young bitch, that’s the macho life that’s acceptable for black men. As a woman trying to win over this type of personality, your battle is going to be uphill, but it is winnable.
Emotionally Unavailable or Immature
Why does the guy you like act as though he doesn’t care? Why doesn’t he call you back after having a good time? Why won’t he commit to you after you’ve done so much to prove yourself? Because he’s afraid to get in his feelings. You can’t drop the L word and expect years of “don’t love these hoes” programming to be undone. You’re going to break his heart, have him feeling like a sucker for love, and he’s not built to deal with that. The happier you make this kind of man, the more nervous he becomes. Unlike the typical slores who he hits and quits, he’s thinking about a future with you. Letting go and taking a chance on love may sound easy, but it’s like jumping out an airplane. There is no guarantee that chute is going to open, so why risk it? When women put walls up after being hurt it usually leads to them being alone and miserable because it’s only so much lack of affection a man can take before he’s on to the next chick. However when it comes to these emotionally unavailable men, their defensive armor doesn’t stop them from getting girls because there are so many women that want to save these niggas. Emo Eddie is in one corner telling you how pretty you are and trying to take you out for a meal, yet he’s seen as being extra and too thirsty. In the other corner is Iron Man Starks who never calls you first, doesn’t want to go anywhere that isn’t a room in his crib, and makes you work around his schedule. He’s showing you his ass to kiss and what do you do? You kiss it! The emotionally unavailable guy is a challenge, he doesn’t need you, and that turns you on. Your maternal instincts are in over drive, you want to take care of him by giving him a shoulder to lean on and a vagina to lie in. Playing Pepper Potts is going to get you hurt, but you don’t care, you love your Iron man. He’s fun to be around with, likes to laugh and cut up, and you can tell there’s something more to him. Good luck trying to crack him open after giving up the ass. The moment he feels he’s getting too comfortable or you’re getting too close, he’s going to back off. This could be ignoring your calls for weeks or he could just step out with another chick to show you he’s not for all that sweet shit. By doing these things, he stays safe and you stay in your place. If you threaten to see someone else or delete his number, he doesn’t care, you aren’t his bitch you’re just one of many and you’re all replaceable. If you run back to him or accept his excuse after not calling for a week, he knows he has you in check. No longer will you push for a relationship or some token of affection because he’s made it clear, “I don’t need your ass and I don’t mind bouncing from your life“. So many women are trapped in these relationships and the reason they don’t leave is because they’re in denial. Mother love thinks she can unlock the hurt in his heart and save him, but you can’t save him as long as you play by his rules.
You Are Worth The Risk
The first thing you do is establish who you are. You’re not the girl that broke his heart when he was in 11th grade. You’re not one of the hoes from the Maury show looking to creep with his best friend or brother. Most importantly, you’re not the girl who’s going to give everything and receive nothing in return. You cannot be too nice to emotionally detached men. If you handle these guys with kid gloves and let them get away with murder, they will continuously use and abuse you because they have no respect for you. A kid runs around the mall so the parents keep him indoors, claims he has ADD, and rewards him with a Cars DVD. That little kid is gaming them. He doesn’t have ADD he’s being an asshole. That man isn’t dark and mysterious with deep thoughts and a shattered heart; he just doesn’t want to put in work with you. If you force this nigga to open up to you and treat you like a person and not a pussy, he’s going to start liking you. He’s going to start loving you and he’s going to become attached, and now those Drake lyrics he hated finally make sense to him. He wasn’t emotionally unavailable, he was being immature, and all his bitch ass really needed was a strong woman who refused to play his game. Most women don’t demand that kind of treatment, they accept that he’s just not ready to love and go about kissing his ass. Everyone reading this knows what I’m talking about, those women who get treated like shit, but continue to try and make these men happy. Begging for his love like a dog begging for a treat after doing a trick. Stop rolling over, and start barking! Your thirsty ass is catering to this nigga like a Destiny Child, and he’s hitting ignore every time you call his phone. That’s not being Sasha Fierce, that’s being Sasha Basic. Is there a chance this type of man would rather just cut you off than start opening up, sure, runners are used to running. That’s a risk you have to take. It’s better to stand your ground and lose him, then play the role of den mother and get exploited to the point you’re crying yourself to sleep at night. Saying, “You know I fuck with you” isn’t the same as “I love you“. Being his shorty isn’t the same as being his girlfriend. Giving a man everything then being cool with never getting anything back doesn’t make you a good woman, it makes you a good fool.
Who was his first love, how did it end? Let’s say he has a baby moms, what went wrong? I’m not talking half ass answers where he calls them sluts and makes himself look perfect, demand the real reason for his fear of commitment. If you’re going to be with a man, you have to get in his business. This nigga isn’t afraid to tell you to open your legs then why are you afraid to tell him to open up his life? A Dude’s favorite excuse is how some girl did him dirty and he’s not ready for a relationship, so he’s doing him. When did this girl do him wrong? The same year the twin towers fell? C’mon now, it’s an excuse that gives him immunity from girls who want a relationship. He tells you he can’t trust girls, you like him a lot so you don’t push for a relationship, you simply bust it open and hope your coochie’s good enough to heal his heart. You’re as bright as midnight. “But NC, you don’t understand my pain, he could be the one“. Yeah, the one that’s going to set you back a few years. Desperation is not an excuse to act stupid. Stop acting as if they stopped making dicks and dimples the day he was born. He’s not the last man on earth, and until he is, you have to hold him up to a standard. If he doesn’t trust women, then you should gain his trust before you give him yours. Instead of sexting him, how about you talk about who you are, your experiences with love, and your views on subjects other than 69ing. He doesn’t think relationships ever work out, don’t just nod and agree and continue to be his unofficial girlfriend anyway. Be that stuck up girl who doesn’t do anything unless you’re in a relationship. You want him and he wants you too, but in his own way. Stop being afraid to be a bitch, these niggas be acting up because yall girls be letting them. Don’t submit to his bullshit, take control and show him that you’re not like these other girls he’s used. Don’t accept that he is the way he is; show him that you’re worth taking a chance on. If you’re not worth dropping his wall for, then he’s not worth dropping your panties for.