What does it mean to be in a relationship? Go ahead and regurgitate the generic As Seen On TV answers of honesty, communication, spending X number of days together, X number of minutes on the phone, and then sprinkle in some bullshit about helping each other grow. You’re not even close.  Many of you are transitioning from casual dating to being in a serious relationship, while others are reaching the end of the morning texts & butterflies stage of the relationship. After the Honeymoon stage you will realize that what you think a committed relationship is isn’t exactly what you will get. Romance novels have lied to you. Julia Roberts movies have lied to you. Your Grandparents and their perfect marriage have even lied to you. Real, worth fighting for, relationships are never simple, and it will test the limits of your sanity before you finally reach the point where you can experience true love, not that bullshit from high school or college that you thought was the top of the mountain. Once you get there, it will feel better than advertised… but you have to be prepared for that climb and that’s where I come in.

Relationship-Ups-And-DownsWhat are the rules for a relationship? Are you allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? How much time should you spend together a week to insure he/she doesn’t get sick of you? Who should apologize first after an argument? What’s the protocol when it comes to social networking once you’re boo’d up? Do you still demand to go on dates? Should you compromise or should they compromise? I get all of these questions as if humans can date like robots and follow a rulebook to keep from breaking up. There are no rules, but there is playbook. First we need to make sure that you’re ready to learn it. In sports, there are coaches that are considered geniuses because they come up with a method of playing the game that seems so simple, yet no one has ever thought of before. Bulls/Lakers Zen Master Phil Jackson is an example of this type of genius. The tricky thing is that you can’t take Phil Jackson’s Triangle Offense and give it to someone with low basketball IQ because they won’t understand it. You can’t give a woman with low self-esteem, daddy issues, or paranoia my playbook and expect her to win because they won’t understand it or know how to pull it off. So it’s time to once again put your “I’m a phenomenal woman who is just unlucky” ego aside and rethink what it means to be in a relationship and ask yourself if you are really ready for life after dating.

Are You A THOT or Nah?

Thot-World-OrderA lot of people hate the word “thot“, but like most words from the Ratchetpedia, its constant evolution from a hoe acronym to a term of slander used to point out basic bitch activities has made it a necessity. The funny thing is thots don’t know they’re thots. The same way ratchets think mixing blonde and red weave is elegant or goons think putting rims on a 4K dollar car is stunting, the denial is strong. Thots look in the mirror holding a Lime-a-Rita and see themselves holding a bottle of Rosé. Thots take a selfie wearing some $30 Instagram boutique sheer dress, and they don’t see trashy, they see sexy. Thots hear The Weekend singing about stretching their pussy out, and they don’t hear vulgarity, that shit is poetry. Instagram and Twitter are rest havens for thots either attention whoring or attacking other women who do the same basic shit they do. I love that shit because it’s entertainment, but it stops being funny when you realize that these women aren’t in on the joke, it really is their lives.

Men will put their dicks in just about anything… ANYTHING. The argument basic bitches make that, “SoWhatSoWhatSoWhatIGetNiggasTho,” is moot because any girl can get a guy to pretend to like her at the most elementary I Wanna Fuck, level. You don’t need self-respect or class to date good looking or even financially well off men. You can strut around the pool in a thong with nipple pasties on and get pulled by the bench rider from the Charlotte Hornets and he will make you feel special for a month or two as he eats, treats, and beats. After the lust wears off, that nigga’s off to the next pool party to scoop up the next chick with low self-esteem that looks good in a two-piece. If you’re dick hunting, that type of shit completes you. However, I refuse to believe that any intelligent women would be content with that lowly existence for long. A woman of substance wants love not lust, retention not attention, and a ring not a fling. It’s the other side of the coin, those low self-esteem, let me see how many likes I get or Snaps get viewed, type of ladies that have made male validation priceless. Sexualized images and dirty talk are a Thots only weapon, because they don’t know what else they can do to get a man to pay attention. Maybe Daddy didn’t stay around or maybe they think they’re one Selfie shot with cleavage away from being chose, only they know the reason for their Basic Bitchness. Thots are in denial, but they do get attention to point where other women think that maybe they should lower their standards too. But take a closer look at the success these women do have, and you will clearly see they are just Pussy luring in men using the easiest and most uncreative method known to seduce a man—freak appeal.

Turn-down-Fo-WhatEvery other day I hear, “But he did this, but he does that,” and I respond like Shaq does to Charles Barkley, “I hear you… but where is your ring?” Any girl can get dick, any girl can get bottles, any girl can get a few months of attention, and any girl can get into a situationship. All your hollow “but he does this…” bragging proves is that your pussy is for rent because no one wants to buy. The only thing a lot of you can bring up is that some clown proposed marriage to you once upon a time, but that nigga’s gone and the dude you’re currently “with” hasn’t even proposed exclusivity to you. Why can’t you get a commitment? No man looks at you as a serious investment. You’re cute enough to have his kid, but not smart enough to share his home. You’re sexy enough to get his dick hard, but not classy enough to get his last name. Show the world that you’re more than a bitch in a tight dress that likes to turn up! You’re capable of having meaningful conversations and you can actually teach these men a thing or two about life, but you only show 20% of the real you. The other 80% is reserved for internet thoting, club hopping, and attention seeking. It’s not about partying too much or the revealing outfits you wear, because the clothes don’t make the thot, the mentality does. If guys pick you up and put you back down routinely, it may be because they see you as a joke. Instead of rolling your eyes and pointing to all the positive things you are doing in life, stop being defensive, and ask yourself how you actually represent yourself to the opposite sex on a daily basis. Do men see you as this smart, ambitious woman that’s in command of life or do they see you as another airhead bitch with a face full of makeup, no panties on, looking for a man to validate her greatness?

Are You Lovesick or Nah?

My favorite new movie is Frozen. Dudes without kids don’t often watch animated Disney movies they didn’t grow up on, but my wife loves that shit so like a real nigga, I compromised, watched it with her, and was impressed. Not to give anything away, but the main character is a thirsty bitch who falls in love with the first cute nigga she meets—I think the back of the DVD box actually describes it that way. While watching it, I laughed because I saw so many women in that character. It wasn’t even exaggerated because chicks who are in love with love get high off new affection and rarely stop to ask themselves, “What’s this man’s motive?” Attention feels a lot like love to those who haven’t experienced much of either. Being hard up isn’t about being a hopeless romantic, it’s a house built on insecurity. Clingy and over anxious behavior is a result of never being loved by anyone outside of certain family members.

Frozen-Thirst-TrapWhy don’t the guys you like want you as much as the platonic males do? Growing up, why didn’t your father do all the things that your friend’s Dads did for them? Why did your grandparents have to raise you instead of your own parents? Why didn’t your sister ever come out of that room to build a fucking Snowman with you? Why haven’t you been shown the type of love other women seem to have been shown throughout their lives? Those are things that no one talks about, but nearly every woman struggles with those questions. People who know what it’s like to be truly loved take it for granted that there are millions of people who honestly feel that they aren’t capable of being loved. It makes no sense logically because everyone can find love and be loved, but you haven’t walked in their shoes and experienced their constant rejection. Insecurity kills more women than breast cancer. Schools don’t teach women how to prevent insecurity. Your friends aren’t comfortable talking about why you feel like less of a woman. Your own family doesn’t even want to discuss your issues in a serious way, instead they pat you on the back and mumble the bullshit answer, “You’re beautiful, it’s not your fault, Jesus will fix it.” You can’t tell a woman she’s pretty, smart, or special and then expect her to go out into the world and conquer. If a girl doesn’t believe those things, she won’t feel those things. Without confidence in self you will crumble the moment a boy fucks you and doesn’t call. You will revert into your shell the moment a guy refuses to use the number you gave him. Dating when you’re insecure will get you manipulated because men sniff out weak bitches like thots sniff out Chipotle.

Being lovesick or obsessed with getting into a relationship goes deeper than boys, it’s about external confirmation that finally you’re worth someone’s time. It’s that internal desire to be seen as important in the eyes of someone besides those that have to tell you they love you. Grandma can wipe your tears all day long, your best friend can hug you with all his might, but that kind of mandatory affection doesn’t fill that hole in your heart that’s been there all your life. You say you’re ready for a relationship, for authentic love, because you think that will end the negative thoughts and esteem issues that you’ve struggled with for years, but that’s not a problem a relationship will solve. A man can fall in love with you, but unless you feel worthy of being loved, you will do everything in your power to sabotage and ruin your happiness. So before you sit around and whine about wanting someone to complete you, ask yourself why you don’t have enough love for yourself to come to the table already completed.

Are You A Tank Girl or Nah?

Can't Crack MeThe opposite of being lovesick is to be an overly guarded Tank Girl. The same exact insecurities plague these women, but instead of, “love me, love me, please love me!” they harden emotionally and live by a mentality of, “I don’t want to know you, and you will never get to know me.” Conceal don’t feel does work in protecting your heart, but it also turns you into an island. When I meet a defensive woman, I listen to the way she talks to see if she’s just being bitchy that day or if that ice has been running through her veins for years. Tank Girls have a habit of talking down on both men and women as if they themselves don’t belong to the human race. They are quick to point out flaws in everything and even when giving a compliment, they sandwich it with shade. The ones who are heavily armored are the worst because it’s not enough to be bitchy or distant; they take it to the next level by verbally attacking anyone who tries to love them. The entire world will let them down, so why make friends. A man who shows interest will let her down, so why date when she can just fuck and get the only thing a man is really good for—a nut.

Some of you have girlfriends or sisters who are Tank Girls and you know that it doesn’t take much for them to throw your perceived shortcomings in your face just because. They aren’t evil; it’s that they can’t express themselves in a normal way. These females are fueled by fear, loneliness, jealousy, rejection, and disappointment, but they conceal that under this false layer of apathy and elitism. The only time you can possibly crack the shell of a Tank Girl is when she’s drunk or high and willing to let her guard down. Unlike the lovesick girl, Tank Girls don’t have to work for attention. All of you reading this should know by now that men respond to lack of interest, it’s that challenge of fucking a girl that doesn’t want him, that makes his dick the hardest and his wallet open up the widest. These girls are fun to date, fuck, and get high with but they can never sustain in a real relationship. What happens in the end is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Tank Girl doesn’t trust men and keeps pulling away because she knows he’s going to leave her. The infatuated man tries even harder to break through her shell. As soon as they are in a relationship, the reality that she will never stop being cold sets in, but unlike the dating stage, this isn’t fun and cute, it’s sad. That man reaches his breaking point and leaves her. Now Tank Girl is hurt all over again, but it’s not because she can’t be loved, it’s because she refuses to be loved.

Are You Ready For A Relationship or Nah?

Relationship-We-Made-ItLike I said in the beginning there is no relationship rulebook, but there is a playbook that I’ve come up with to get your shit on track. I can’t help anyone who isn’t ready to be helped and a lot of you out there say you want a relationship, but you wouldn’t be able to handle it in your current state of mind. You may say, “Well I’m ready, because I’ve been with the same guy for two months.” All that tells me is that you have no fucking clue what a relationship really is. The Honeymoon period is the first 1-3 months when you’re fist getting to know each other, that’s the gateway into the amusement park; your ass hasn’t even gotten on the first rollercoaster yet. Most of you will attempt to get into a relationship and burn out a month after the honeymoon period because one or both of you aren’t equipped with the skills to be committed. When I say, “committed” I’m not talk about not fucking other people, I’m talking about the bigger issues: Being secure when you don’t talk to each other for a day. The ability to give each other real space. Seeing things from each other’s perspective no matter how much you feel your way is right. The list goes on and on, because relationships, unlike dating, can become complex.

A lot of you say you want love, but what you really want is a person you can post Instagram memes about. You want to randomly bring up the fact that you have a “bae” so you can prove to other people you’re loved. You want to be able to make subliminal comments about single people, to make up for the months you spent bored on a Friday night, lonely as fuck, trying to find Snapchat friends. That’s not romance, that’s a need to prove something to others because you’re not secure. Relationships burn out so fast these days because people enter them ill prepared to deal with things like mood swings, the need for privacy, the want for space, finances, and the mistakes of the past. Men PMS like women, but you won’t see that the first few months when it’s all about telling you how special you are and eating your box from the back. Men still have a need to associate with other women, but you won’t realize the extent of this until those platonic friends start making you feel jealous. Men don’t like people in their relationship, but you won’t understand that until he’s being passive aggressive about you deleting your Instagram post. Men get bored extremely fast and need attention like a four year old, but it’s hard to see that coming when he’s acting so cool and calm during the courting period.

Why-So-hard-bitchGoing from dating to a relationship comes with numerous changes in personality, which you may or may not be able to deal with. You can’t control how the man you’ve committed to changes up on you, but mark my words, if you are still full of the insecurities I talked about you have no shot at making it work. Your want for attention, your need to be validated by a man, or your inability to open up emotionally will only magnify the bullshit that you will have to go through when getting to know the real him. You are too old to still be lying about how great a person you are, with maturity comes the ability to face your shortcomings head on, so why are you still rolling your eyes as if your shit doesn’t stink? The deepest rejection isn’t someone not wanting to call you after sex; it’s someone not wanting to talk to you after being with you for months. Don’t leave it to other people to find your flaws, seek them out yourself, overcome them, and go into your next relationship knowing that if it fails, it’s not because you were the weak link, it’s because they didn’t work on themselves the same way you did.

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