There’s this saying that’s been regurgitated over the past few years, “A person you get in a relationship with should be your friend first.” Once again we have this nice concept that pretends to be the answer to why relationships fail which sounds good, but smells of bullshit. Be best friends, get to know each other on this deep level, and then once it’s official there won’t be any surprises. 200 thousand years on this planet and mankind finally figured it out, start off as buddies… Give me a break. Let’s get away from the semantics of the word “friend” and let’s instead ask what it means to be someone’s friend in the true sense of the word. There’s a common bond based on shared interests, which leads to you dropping your guard and opening up about various parts of your life. From there you reach complete transparency because they genuinely care about you, not what you do for them. That’s a true friendship. Do you know how long it takes to actually become real friends in the way described? You can’t do that shit in weeks. “Let’s go to Buffalo Wild Wings, fam, watch movies, and be buds until we fall in love” said no man ever! Passion is something that is there or it isn’t, you don’t find it after a few months of being text buddies. These “he grew on me” relationships are nothing but fancy words for “I settled.” Chemistry can’t be manufactured. Alpha males shoot their shots, they lay claim to women they desire, they don’t come over to take your braids out and watch Hulu. Yes, there are many instances where romance has to be deferred because of current relationships or bad timing and you become true friends due to circumstance, but even then it’s still understood—I don’t want to be your pal forever, I’m waiting for that green light to snatch you. What’s actually lost in translation is this: By the time you get married, that person will have BECOME your best friend.

best-freinds-firstMarrying your best friend isn’t the same as becoming boyfriend and girlfriend with your best friend. When people come out and tell you they married their best friend you can’t take that to literally mean they started out just friends and it developed into more. That Love & Basketball shit only happens in the movies or under rare circumstances. What it means is that you date a person, get into a relationship, and once you are IN that actual relationship you grow together to the point where you become best friends. Some of you aren’t experienced with long term relationships, so let me shed some light. That first six months of being with a person is all about getting to know them. The next six month is about that person rubbing off on you and vice versa. After a few years, you and that person begin to either grow into one or grow apart. Again it’s not this Soulmate bullshit where everything magically falls into place, it’s literally the act of picking up each other’s habits, likes, mannerisms, etc… the same way grade school best friends influence and mimic one another without noticing it.

Let’s say the average time to get engaged and then married is around three to four years; in that time that person will bond to you like Shea butter inside of a sleeping bonnet. Once that time has been put in, then a man or woman can honestly say, “I married my best friend.” So with that said, stop trying to fake some friendship thinking it will save you from heartbreak once you enter a monogamous relationship. Being fast friends for four weeks, won’t insure success. Cherry picking some settle dick you used to go to high school with won’t put the odds in your favor. Circling back and trying to upgrade a platonic friendship to that romantic level, doesn’t mean the old friend zone dude won’t break your heart. There is no cheat code to being compatible! Actual relationships are the proving grounds of the romantic friendship that you hear people swear by. That means, the bulk of the work in terms of friendship building is done during, not before, your relationship. The fear that someone who starts off so great will change is real. The fear that you will grow apart is legit. People change right under your nose, and so do you, because small issues are allowed to fester.

Today I’m going to address those of you currently in relationships about preventive maintenance, so you can keep growing together.

Petty Hurts

Petty-hurtsFor the past year there’s been this shift in attitude where some women proclaim how cool it is to be petty. Go on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram and search “petty” and a sea of basic bitches will pop up happily announcing shit like, “Yeah I’m petty, and?” “Queen Petty,” “Katy Petty,” “Call us The Color Purple, cus she Celie and I’m Petty,” and the list of ratchet ass affirmations go on and on. It’s kind of like how females hate being called “crazy” but not really, because our society has made crazy into something cool: Crazy girls have good pussy. Crazy girls suck the best dick. Crazy girls are never dull. Again, it’s this young ass idea of “let me own up to a negative, because it gives me an identity.” Listen up Ed, Edd, and Petty, throwing temper tantrums, acting passive aggressive, or sending for someone who you feel wronged you is not how an adult handles her problems. All of these positive women in the 21st century with poise and class, but you would rather take pride in being a brat, then wonder why your ass is always getting played. To all the intelligent women do you want to be inspired by Jada Pinkett-Smith or some bitch with grey hair and drawn on eyebrows clapping her hands like, “IDGAF, SOWHAT SOWHAT SOWHAT, PETTYHONTAS TRIBE, HURT FEELINGS GANG, AND WHAT!?” Those girls don’t hurt any feelings, they are hurt. Those of you in actual relationships right now, you may not know how to deal with the upsetting things your boyfriend does, but even when every Basica with a Wi-Fi connection is telling you how empowering it is to be petty, you can’t give into your juvenile side in an attempt to make your boyfriend pay for what he’s done.

cole-worldLet’s take a typical argument between couples, like not checking in. Men have streaks of independence where no matter how much they love their girlfriends, they need to run away from her ass—King Kunta. A woman will pretend to be cool with him hanging out with the fellas or family, but she’s expecting some form of communication like a good night text or “I’m home safe,” call. Men didn’t even check in with their damn mothers when they were little boys, so while it may be the right thing to do, “Fuck all that, I’s a free man!” is the male mentality. A guy isn’t out fucking hoes nor has he forgotten about you; most likely he’s just exercising his freedom. Women don’t usually see it like that, even the “go have fun, bae,” chicks will be checking their phone all night, turning it on and off to make sure their shit is working, and stalking social media to see if he’s updated anything. You don’t think the nigga died, you just want to feel as if you’re never far from his mind no matter what he’s doing. For a man to carry on like that and then pop up the next evening like nothing happened, is one of those things that should be handled like adults. You admit that you feel that wasn’t behavior fitting a man in a relationship, he explains his side, you two come to some kind of agreement so you’re both on the same page in the future so it’s not drama. That is called proper COMMUNICATION. However, in today’s world of Petty White’s that scenario will always end in an argument. You don’t care about me… what if I did that… I’m going to show you because I’m going out tonight with Toni, and it’s going to be niggas there. That’s being petty! Something as simple as being disappointed about not being given attention leads to further miscommunication when you give that Pettysburg’s Address. This man didn’t check in, you’re now saying reckless things to hurt his feelings because you don’t know how to deal with not having your way. This is how people go to sleep angry and rifts form. Sure you can make up later, but you being petty wasn’t an accident, it’s your state of mind, and your man is taking notice of that.

Pettynation0If your boyfriend is trying to play you, or isn’t being consistent anymore, you don’t fight fire with fire, you fight that fire with a water hose, and extinguish that behavior going forward. You don’t have to yell to get your way ladies. Power doesn’t come from threats, it comes from promises. When grown women handle small or big issues with poise, they keep the lines of communication open, and set an expectation going forward. When you attack a man by saying ignorant things or by stooping to the level you think will hurt him the same way he’s hurt you, men have an answer… They start to lie. Staying out because he was having a good time with his cousin, now becomes his cousin got sick and he had to drive him to the ER. A man who doesn’t want drama will look for ways to avoid it, but that doesn’t mean he will suddenly do what you tell him to do. Once your boyfriend begins to feel as if he can’t be honest with you because of your juvenile reactions, you widen the friendship gap in your relationship. I’m not putting this all on the woman, men can act petty too, and the same scolding applies these Tom Petty ass niggas. It’s not about pointing fingers, it’s about both parties realizing the consequences of not taking the high road. This person you’re in a relationship with is your best friend, and if a person can’t trust their friend who knows their heart to not throw a fit, then that person stops becoming a friend, just a lover. To be a source of frustration before you are even married will tell a man that you have grown apart, and it’s only a matter of time before that crack shatters his love for you.

 

The House Is Your Enemy

Old-PussyWhen you are in an official relationship you tend to be happiest in the house, cuddled up, and enjoying each other. The era of dates come to an end, and you’re okay with that because everything you need is in the crib. That’s the honeymoon period, ladies. I rarely speak against this because I want everyone to enjoy that new relationship feeling of wanting to spend all day every day with each other. It’s extremely important in bonding. However, let me address a problem those women who are long done with the honeymoon period ask me. “He doesn’t take me anywhere! What’s wrong with me?” I’ve probably had more women use Ho Tactics to get their long time boyfriends to date them than single women looking for dates. There comes a point where men become complacent with the cuddle and chill with bae routine. It’s not about him being cheap, it’s just comfortable. He won you over, now he takes you for granted unless it’s your birthday or a holiday. Some men are natural romantics and they will always make an effort to not only go on dinner dates, get tickets to concerts, book a weekend getaway, etc… Then there is the other side, where couples sit in the house, both on social media, with the girl only looking up to tell her boyfriend to change the channel to VH1. So many young people are living like old married couples because they are pretending to be cool with the now stale, “chill and cuddle” nights. A man may be happy with that, but woman feel unappreciated. Girls who have friends in relationships have to eat shit and pretend to be happy when bestie says, “He’s taking me to Hawaii next month.” No woman should feel jealous about another woman’s relationship activities, she should be asking herself why she isn’t getting the same treatment, and then set out to get that.

Get your ass out of the house at least once a week. If you live together, make that two times a week. If you work nights, get a night off. If you have children, hire a babysitter. You must work at a relationship by investing time into it! I take my wife out so much that when her spoiled ass was given a restaurant suggestion for her birthday by a friend she responded, “That’s not a birthday place to me, that’s our Tuesday.” All women in a relationship should be spoiled rotten! Let me direct this at the men first because I think some of you assume that a woman is cool with the homely treatment because they aren’t objecting. Fellas, women like to be shown off and treated to a good time, they can pretend to be cool with watching March Madness with you, and some may give you that homebody speech, but that bitch wants to show out! If you want to see a woman smile, give her a reason to put on a dress, do her makeup, and go somewhere new. It’s not about stunting for IG, stroking her ego, or other men giving her stares, it’s about you! She needs to feel like she still has it and that you still light up when you see her all done up. I don’t care how bad a chick is, sitting around in a scarf, wearing your boxers for four months will make her wonder if she’s no longer attractive to you. If a man isn’t treating his woman as if he’s still trying to win her heart, then he’s not doing his job! Ladies, stop being so fucking compromising and understanding! It blows me to hear the way girlfriends make excuses for their lazy ass men. “He doesn’t have much right now, we’re saving our money for blah blah blah.” Kill that noise, because going to a movie isn’t going to fuck up the down payment for a house. There are times to be frugal, but that nigga shouldn’t be so tight that he can’t spring for tickets to a summer festival or have enough gas to drive you down to a theme park. Couples need to date even more than single people. Don’t buy into him being too tired, needing to pay off that loan that ain’t never going to get paid off, or any other lazy excuse. Turn up together, fine dine together, vacation together, that’s how you keep creating memories that further bond the two of you.

Rerun Pussy

The-Bae-FactorOne of my more infamous proclamations is that All Pussy Expires. New pussy excitement only last a matter of months, even though you can still continue to enjoy the physical sensation for years upon years, the mental stimulation of conquering something new eventually fades and never returns. Loyal pussy is good pussy, good pussy never gets old blah fucking blah, the truth doesn’t care about your opinion. Nicki Minaj says she got that super soaker, pussy tighter than a choker, but Safaree’s dick, in the end, was no way near as excited as Meek’s dick is now. It’s not about the woman, it’s the attention span of the man. Sex drive doesn’t survive because a pussy is somehow immune to this rule, it survives because of the ability of the couple to keep things fresh and spontaneous years after he first bust that thing open. In a relationship you have to plan accordingly for this fall off. When you have sex in the same three or four positions month in and month out, it’s wonderful because you know each other’s body and can be adventurous, but just like sitting in the house, sex gets stale if you don’t get creative. Rerun pussy is like re-watching the past season of Scandal during the summer to get ready for the premier in the fall. You still enjoy it, you still react, but it’s never as  jaw dropping exciting as the first time you watched it. For a lot of men their girlfriend’s pussy is a rerun. You’re at work, he knows he’s going to fuck that night, but he’s still in the house busting off to Hood Amateurs, because that new video of some ratchet with an ass tattoo gives him that excitement that may not be as good as the pussy you will throw on him that night, but satisfies a part of him that your pussy no longer does.

rather-text-than-fuck-youI had two emails in the same month about the same sexual problem, so I assume this is something a lot of girls go through in silence. Both women had boyfriends they have been with for over a year and these guys wouldn’t stay hard inside the pussy most of the time. They would still have sex to completion, and these women didn’t even seem to be upset about the quality of penis, but they were afraid of what it represented. For a man not to be super aroused can make a woman feel unattractive. Some females don’t understand that it isn’t just about “if you find me pretty, get hard,” and that men don’t control their dicks like they control the wiggling of their toes. Sex is all mental, and even if you are walking around with titties like Cyn Santana and a Miracle Watts ass, all it takes is for indifference to set in and a man’s dick will check out. No man in his 20’s is going limp because of ED, it’s either nerves, lack of focus, or boredom. To take those same two men and put brand new pussy in front of them, would prove that their mics work fine, it’s the mind that needs a jumpstart. You can’t put on lingerie and mighty morph into new pussy. Go and put on heels and stand ass naked in the kitchen, he’ll probably ask you what’s for dinner and go back to his PS4 FIFA game, because unimaginative or borrowed fantasies don’t revitalize old pussy either. Make up sex or angry sex, those things will make your boyfriend fuck you like never before, and that’s because mentally he’s in a different state. He’s fucking you with that Brock Lesnar aggression because at that moment you aren’t his loving girlfriend but some bitch that pissed him off. That change up is why women cry, “Make up sex is the best.” It’s not the best, your man just doesn’t rise to that level of passion all the time because he’s bored!

lay-that-stiff-dickYou can’t start an argument every night just to get good dick, so there has to be alternative to bring that energy and fire back. It’s on both parties to keep things fresh and openly talk about sexual turn on’s. If you feel as if your boyfriend isn’t showing interests you don’t have to pull his card, calling him names or insulting his manhood isn’t how you fix the problem. For a lot of ladies, it stings the ego to think that just you with your legs spread is no longer good enough, but it’s not about the quality of your pussy, it’s the quality of the experience now that you’ve settled into a routine. Even those of you who are having good sex now need to start experimenting with new things. Toys, role playing, porn, shit talking, it’s all about sparking the brain to get excited for something truly new with someone your body has become overly comfortable with. For the men, if you know that Friday night rerun coochie doesn’t get you as hard as looking at IG thots, then that doesn’t mean you need new pussy, it means you need to communicate to your woman about what you need to turn you on. It’s a sensitive issue because a lot of women don’t understand how dicks work, but you do, so speak up. If you want to get freaky and let her dominate you for a change, that’s the shit you have to have the balls to say. If you think her moans are boring, choke her ass until you get a different reaction. Women shouldn’t have rerun pussy and men shouldn’t have DVR dicks, you’re friends and lovers, whatever you do in your bedroom stays there, so go all out and get nasty.

His POV or Her POV

why you mad thoWhy do men act like they don’t care? The real question is why men don’t react to the same situation from your Point of View. My cousin recently hit the rocks with his girlfriend of the last two years over their growing miscommunication. He was telling me how she started to question everything he does as if he was out to get her. The final straw was as simple as this: After we go out to this Broadway show, let’s go hang with my group of friends. From her POV that became, “He can’t just enjoy a night out with me, he needs the entertainment of his crew because I’m not good enough.” That’s insecurity from his POV, but from her POV she also has a point: Our night is our night, let’s do things with those people at another time and keep the romance going. Every woman has her point and every man has his point. The reason that communication breaks down is that men and women don’t empathize with each other.

Men do things because they fell like doing it, they don’t actually take time to put themselves in the mindset of a woman. It’s just how men are built, we’re selfish as fuck because the intention is never malicious. Guys don’t think, “If I give this girl from work a ride home, my girl will be mad at me.” Because in the male mind, it’s just a ride home, yeah he will probably flirt or sneak a leg rub… but it’s all good in his world because he knows he won’t cross the line. He never thinks that even walking up to the line will hurt his girl’s feelings. If men were to put themselves in their girlfriend’s shoes and think, “Wait, how does it look driving through this neighborhood laughing with this attractive female?” they may make a different choice. From a woman’s POV, even entertaining rival women will always be: Why even look at another bitch! Then she will bring up, “What if that was me with a guy from work,” to prove her right to be upset. An outside force isn’t more important than what you two are building, but the argument will start to spin out of control, because of the refusal to walk in each other’s shoes and see it from both sides.

yandy-cryOne of the things I do with my homies when they vent about their wives or girlfriends is to say, “Look at it from her perspective.” Those niggas say they do, but they don’t. I always tell women to chill out and stop overthinking the actions of their boyfriends like he’s out to hurt them. Those girls say they will try, but they can’t change their suspicious mind. I’m challenging both men and women to stop being so one sided in how they see things. If you are truly friends in this relationship you have to give someone the benefit of the doubt and respect where they coming from even if you personally feel like you are in the right. That doesn’t mean submit, it means understand your best friend’s mindset. What happens when you empathize with each other is that you grow together in terms of knowing how they are. I’m not talking passive aggressive, “You know how I am!” anger. I’m talking about the ability to automatically see things from your mate’s perspective all the time. If you, as a man, know that she didn’t mean any harm when she made that smart comment in front of her family about your job, then you won’t come at her neck when you get home. You will bring it up like, “I know you were just joking, but that’s not the place.” If she understands your POV, she won’t get defensive, she’ll apologize, and going forward correct that. If you’re a woman who is feeling a lack of attention because your man is working a lot, you don’t curse him out because he takes his one free night to go kick it with his boys. You understand it—doesn’t mean you let it slide, but you don’t go nuclear with a “those niggas more important than me,” rant. It’s not always about ME ME ME, being in a relationship means you give space, because if you were to look through his POV, it’s not about his friends being more important than you, it’s about this man who is stressed looking for a more brotherly outlet. Address it with class, and let him know that next time you’d appreciate some quality time too. That’s called proper communicating, that leads to change instead of a divide.

Things Unsaid…

Can't Get It BackSome of you think love is this magical cloak that will make a man understand you on every level, only have eyes for you, always be turned on by you, constantly have a desire to take you everywhere he goes, and talk to you about all his feelings. Nah. Most of you are going to end up in my inbox asking me for advice because what you really get in a relationship is reality. The reality is that after the honeymoon period is over, there will be petty arguments, difference of POV, him looking a little too hard at that cashier in the mall, him not jumping to fuck you just because you did your hair different, him wanting to plan a boy’s night instead of a couple’s night, and you will feel as if you’re doing something wrong and are about to fail at love. The key to a healthy relationship is to talk in order to understand each other, not to convince someone to see it from your viewpoint. Friendship is a two way street. Ask questions when you don’t understand his train of thought or actions, instead of assuming he doesn’t care. For the fellas, don’t leave things unsaid, don’t shut down like some little bitch boy because you can’t get through to her. This “whatever, man!” mentality is childish, you don’t have to explain yourself, but you better explain yourself if you want to keep that woman. A serious relationship isn’t defined by the amount of time you two have been together, it’s defined by the amount of energy you continue to invest getting to know each other after the honeymoon period is over. If you’re looking for a Cinderella story where all this shit happens magically without effort, then you’re in the wrong league. Championship teams aren’t thrown together, they’re developed over time via hard work, sacrifice, and honest communication. Relationships don’t come with a check engine light, so don’t wait until it stops working to finally address these problems.

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