What are you missing that makes a man want to fuck you but not want to commit to you? Let’s say that you did everything right in terms of presentation. You dated properly, you had actual in person conversations, you talked more than texted, and you showed this man your soul before you leaned over into his lap and showed him the back of your head. Is it that your swag is incurably corny? Is your personality set to basic and no one has the balls to tell you? Are you all sex appeal, with no substance or all heart with no sex appeal? Maybe your ex was right and you are bat shit crazy… Why did that guy you were with string you along, and then turn around and give the world to the next girl he started dating after you? Was she prettier, more submissive, better in bed? Here you are thinking you’re great, but men pick you up and put you down like a toy… I was asked by a male reader to shed some light on why guys take their time with certain women, as he’s currently in a situation with a girl who he likes but isn’t ready to commit to. Dear Paranoid & Neurotic Women: Not every situationship is the same, not every guy that doesn’t commit is trying to play you. So today let’s talk about why men are afraid to take the next step with women that are seemingly perfect, let’s talk about TRUST!
I say this all the time, MEN KNOW FAST IF YOU ARE OR AREN’T WORTHY OF COMMITMENT. It doesn’t take months upon months, but sometimes the reason behind a decision to wait that long isn’t about game, it’s about the lack of the one thing all men need in order to commit: Trust. I was in Long Beach with this girl, let’s call her Kate because it’s not even close to her name, and a female friend of hers. When Kate’s friend pulled her card about being in a situationship, Kate did what a lot of women do, she got defensive. First she blew it off saying this guy, Rick, was just fun, someone to keep her company because working and being in college didn’t leave time for her to have a boyfriend. I asked how many days a week she saw Rick. She replied usually five or six… Let’s be real, being too busy to have a boyfriend, yet hanging around a guy damn near every day tells me your story is bullshit. So I asked the most obvious question, “If Rick were to ask you to be his girlfriend tomorrow, what would you say?” She kept it real and said, “I’d be his girl.” DING Fucking DING! That “too busy” answer is a cover up, something that women force themselves to say because the words, “I would be with him but he’s not ready,” makes them seem weak or unwanted.
That left one last question. What’s stopping Rick from being with you? He wants to take it slow and get to know her because he had a bad breakup in the past. Typical male response. I can’t fault men for using that excuse over and over again because no woman is going to come at your neck like, “Heal faster I want you, nigga!” they wait it out like understandable good girls, and allow the man to essentially keep all the power in the situation. Plot Twist: I talked to Rick and knew why Kate was in a situationship, and her “bad breakup” reason wasn’t the legitimate one he gave me. Man to man he laid out his reason in a way that made perfect sense to me. I wasn’t going to tell Kate this reason, it’s not my business, but I think a lot of men and women can benefit from their story. There is a lack of true communication between men and women that leads to resentment because men would rather bottle their suspicions up than hurt a girl’s feelings by laying out from A-Z why the trust has not been solidified. I’m a firm believer that no woman should wait more than a few months for a man to make up his mind, but I will admit there are some good men like Rick who do need slightly more time due to the circumstances. The thing is, fellas, you need to communicate why you need that extra time, not have these women waiting confused. So I’m going to talk to the men today and cover not only the reason Rick gave, but reasons other men have talked to me about and even ones I personally had that made me keep a girl on Placeholder duty even when she had girlfriend qualities, hopefully it will help them in making that choice of who is a partner and who is just pussy.
Does She Just Want The Title?
I believe it was the philosopher Descartes that first pondered, “What these bitches want from a nigga?” The fundamental difference between men and women goes back to romantic goals. Many girls follow the cookie cutter role that’s been embedded in them: A woman needs a man because through a man she gets love, gets married, pops out kids, and is fulfilled. Blah! Female gender stereotype propaganda is a big part of our culture. Although a lot of women pop fly about how Wonder Woman they are, when put to the test, they prove how June Cleaver they truly are. This “I need a boyfriend, because that’s how I will feel loved and happy as a woman” bullshit remains in the DNA of a large percent of girls. Men in comparison don’t have planned out romantic goals. Yes, guys assume they will get married, reproduce, whatever, but few men walk around looking for the title of Boyfriend or Husband. There is no, “I just want her to claim me,” movement in the mind of an alpha male. Men chase the pussy then stumble into the love by accident, not by design.
Let me address the sour apple bitter chicks right here: This notion that women have to jump through hoops for love, while men can play it cool like they don’t give a fuck and get love is false. Women can play it cool as well. What universal law besides your own mind, dictates that all women have to put 100% of their heart into New Dick? As a woman, you are the prize, no matter how above average or below average you feel you look. There is no law that women have to try hard while men are free to act indifferent, it’s that certain women choose to try hard, worry, and put too much stock in locking down a man because she is afraid to lose the potential of a man she barely knows. Show me a woman that’s unbothered with being loved and I’ll show you a Spartan that will always have options. When you chase love, you play yourself, men know this, which is why they chase the physical with little emotional desire to be more. Pussy until proven Wifey should also be Dick until proven Hubby, but a lovesick mindset reverses it into Hubby until proven Dick! These lonely ass women who slave themselves to gender roles become bitter because the men they want don’t play by the same rules or have the same moral desires as them. “Men need to value true love and partnership instead of trying to fuck everything that moves.” Why? That man may not be married or have a girlfriend, but he’s happy. The pussy he chases may be fast, but to him it’s fulfilling for now. You may be up at night sad, lonely, and looking for answers, but he’s not. His biological clock isn’t ticking. The karma you chain yourself to isn’t going to punish him for living his life for fun instead of love. Men don’t worry about the future in terms of romance, because when it’s time to slow down he’ll know because that Game Changer will pop into his life as proof. Wanting men to play by the outdated gender rules you ignorantly follow will not change your romantic results. Even if all men were “morally decent” your ass still wouldn’t have a man, because it’s not the man that refuses to throw the title on you, it’s about what you’re lacking. Your personality is the common denominator no matter how many men you date. You have to ask yourself why you’re sticking to the brainwashing that to be happy you need to chase love, get claimed, and have a title.
One of the biggest dilemmas a man will face is when a woman he does want on a real level, is only in it for the title. Is she in it for him or in it for the boyfriend experience that she’s been raised to value? A lot of women don’t know how to be single, they need a title to make them feel whole. As a man you don’t want to be a tool so a girl can post on IG, “Bae the best boyfriend ever, #Blessed.” Here you are, haven’t done shit but compliment her skirt and took her to Zaxbys and shorty’s making it out to the world that you reinvented romance. Dafuq? Check Facebook and you’ll see a sea of posts where these basic bitches are bragging about getting regular treatment from niggas, because it’s not about the man, it’s about how the rest of the world perceives them. “I was sick and Bae bought me chicken soup, I’m so spoiled. When God sends you an Angel accept these blessing cus it’s rare.” Bitch, that man is not an Angel and if you think microwaving some Campbell’s soup is being spoiled than you must think putting $20 in your tank is being sponsored. These things seem innocent but they speak volumes about the mindset of that woman. Why is she so eager to portray this image that she’s in a fantastic relationship when you’re still in the courting stage? No matter how bomb she looks or how Atlantis the pussy is, you have to ask what her aim is for wanting to be your girlfriend so bad. You’ve known this chick for two weeks and she doesn’t even know you have two brothers. You’ve known this chick for a month, and instead of asking you about what lead to your messy break-up with your last girlfriend, she’s giving you ultimatums about being with her. Your entire relationship is flirting via text, eating, and fucking. Yet here is this girl who you don’t have any real connection with being passive aggressive because you haven’t asked her to be official. We’re men, we know that pussy doesn’t create a bond. Hearing about a girl’s childhood doesn’t make us care about her. Listening to her shade her co-workers on the phone doesn’t make us empathetic. You’re a glorified stranger until you share and dissect each other’s war stories.
When a girl doesn’t know you enough to want you as a boyfriend, but is in a rush to get the title, it’s not about how great you are, it’s about how great her insecurity is. She’s in such a hurry to prove to the rest of the world that she can get a boyfriend that she forgets to learn who you are. You’re a dance partner who she calls her soulmate, because she needs to be able to show her friends she’s loved, to boast to the internet that she’s taken, and to prove to her family that she can do better than her last guy. No man with self-respect will be an accessory in this game of “Where your man at,” that these Basicas play. If she’s really right for you, she will understand that it’s not about talking to each other it’s about talking with each other. It’s not about favorite movies and where you work, it’s about learning real shit that makes you tick and why. Yes, you’re guarded and aren’t going to spill all your history, but you don’t want a girl that doesn’t even try. If all she’s going to do is sit across from you and giggle about the jokes you make, then why should you drop your guard? If all she’s going to bring to your life is pussy and attitude, why lock it down when you can just keep fucking her without any strings attached? Placeholders are placeholders because in your gut you know she’s just like the rest of these girls you’ve already ran through. What does she love about you? Your dick? Your jokes? Your feelings on the new Kendrick album? She ain’t talking about shit and you ain’t talking about shit, so this idea that she’s in love is fraud. If she cared about you, she would ask where you’re coming from before she asks where the two of you are going. The man she wants you to be may not be who you are, and if you blindly give her that title, can she even handle the flaws she ignored while title hunting?
Are you A Rebound?
When you are looking for just sex, a girl on the rebound is easy pickings, but when you are a genuine guy looking for a connection, a girl who is on the rebound can be the worst decision of your life. Everything about her screams, “I’m over that guy, don’t bring it up,” but those screams cover up the whispers of, “I wish it would have worked, maybe he’ll realize what he lost and come back.” Unless that woman has taken proper time to heal, all she can do is think about the man that broke her heart. As a man you think that your greatness can make any woman forget about someone who was abusive, disloyal, or dishonest, but don’t let pride fool you. Here is a girl who needs a good man, and here you are to show her how a King treats a Queen, but no matter what you do or say, you can’t erase those memories of the jester who came before you, that’s her job. You can be having a bomb conversation over dinner, getting deep on the phone until 4am, or in the middle of laying that “bitch you going to remember me” slow pipe… yet her mind is still on her ex. Of course she’ll smile and say that distant look in her eye means nothing, she’ll laugh with you to keep her mind off of old boy, and she’ll react like you’re the first person to fuck her properly, but it’s a front. She’s hoping that if she fakes it, it will become real, and her heart will switch from longing for him to accepting you, but it’s a charade that never works.
Most men who deal with women who are only two or three months out of a relationship are only distractions. Either she’s trying to keep her heart occupied, trying to make him jealous, or she’s moving on just for the sake of her family and friends who keep pushing her to date Date DATE! The smart move for any man is to test her healing factor. Again, an impressive woman jumps out in ways these mediocre women don’t, so your first instinct will be to buy her story that her last guy is out of her head, and that chapter is closed, because she’s a bad bitch that you want to lock down. But you have to take your time and know that she’s not the Meryl Streep of the rebound relationship. Men don’t like to ask about other men, but you need to swallow your pride and push that conversation back to old boy. Fuck all that, “He wasn’t shit, I should have seen the signs, I’m thankful it ended before it was too late,” gibberish she’s going to keep feeding you. Get in her face and ask about the good times, ask about the first time they met, how they ended up having sex for the first time. Push any woman that’s rebounding to confront the great times, not propagate the bad times with her ex. Not only do you make her talk about him in a real way as opposed to a bitter one, utilize your detective skills. If she’s finally talking about how she thought they were going to be married, and her eyes are glossing, that’s a woman that still carries a torch for that dream wedding with that man. Determine through conversation if her thoughts about her ex are nostalgia or are they active fantasies. You can buy her diamonds, take her to Hawaii, and even have her mother co-signing your greatness, but if she still harbors true feelings that haven’t been talked about, she’s one “I miss us” text from relapsing with the ex she still wants. If it means that you have to stay in a situationship for a month longer than you want to, than put up with it, because it’s not about throwing the title on her, it’s about you as her potential boyfriend doing your work by insuring that the nigga that lived in that house before you is totally moved out! Don’t be one of these guys that wifes a check after a month, then gets a call saying, “I was talking to my Ex, and while I’m not going back to him, I think we have some unfinished business to take care of before I move on… but I want to stay friends.” Be positive that mentally a woman is ready to be your woman, and not still the property of the last dude.
Does She Have A Past?
The most frustrating double standard for women is that they will always be held accountable for every dick they took or were rumored to take. As a man you can tell a woman how you fucked twenty women last year, and if she likes you, she’ll just chalk it up to a guy being a guy. Some of you will shake your head and say that you couldn’t take a guy like that serious, but in reality women go against their words and take all kinds of shit serious depending on the looks and personality of that man. The point being, women tend to judge a man for his present not his past. Switch the roles and have a woman tell a man that she slept with five men in one year, and that bitch automatically gets put in the Pussy category, never to be taken seriously again. When I was back in Bmore I ran into one of my old friends and he was telling me about his new girlfriend and how great she was. I asked what part of town she was from. This nigga twisted his mouth up and said, “Cuz, what the fuck I look like wifing one of these ran through bitches in this city?” It’s not about the city, it’s about the perception. No man wants a woman whose history can be traced and thrown in his face. To commit to a girl from your neighborhood means that someone from that neighborhood fucked. To commit to a girl at your college, means that someone from that school fucked. If you start a new job, and Lucy the receptionist is giving you time, you’re excited… then you realize that Justin in accounting probably fucked her when he started and that your boss probably got the head at the Christmas Party. Having sex doesn’t change who a woman is, it doesn’t make her un-pure, but the ego of men would rather pretend that they discovered her rather than was simply the next in line.
When I was in college my boy smashed this one freshmen her first month in school. The next semester, she is at a party tongue kissing one of our associates, and word was they were together. My boy asks me if he should tell him he hit and got the head. I said something like, “If that was me, you better tell me, but you aren’t anything to him so what does it matter?” They ended up being together for the next two years, and with the exception of the jokes we would say to her when her boyfriend wasn’t around, what she did her first month in school had nothing to do with her relationship. She wasn’t a hoe, or loose, she just fucked my boy and two other dudes when she first was unleashed on the campus. Men do the same, so who are we to judge? But men will always judge. Unless you lock down a virgin, she’s done the nasty with another dude, but no man wants to walk into a college party or work meeting and know that their girl has had her titties sucked on by two of the guys in the room. “We only kissed, we only hooked up once, I was drunk,” No matter what you say, a male mind goes into slut shaming. The deeper fear isn’t about sex, it’s about a reputation for being a freak. If you know the girl you like let some guy beat in one night without even trying, but she’s telling you, “I wait for sex,” that’s going to make you feel as if she’s lying. She’s not lying, maybe she sees you as something serious, not just dick, and wants to act accordingly. In reality one man’s one night stand is going to end up another man’s wife, that’s called statistics. There isn’t a box of women who were freaks who never get locked down and a box of women who only had sex twice that get a ring. Shit, the freaks usually get the ring before those girls whose pussies are tighter than a Nigerian’s shirt. That’s life. Fellas, think about that one girl who you did the filthiest shit to and was straight Christian Grey disrespectful with—she’s going to get married and have kids, and no one will ever know that she took two dicks in a motel six on a dare. It’s just that no man wants to know about that, and when dealing with a woman’s sexual history, ignorance is bliss.
So what do you do with a girl who you can’t fake ignorance with, one who you know has a history? Either you accept her with that history or you leave her the fuck alone and stop wasting her time and yours. If you’re not secure enough to hold her hand and walk by guys she may or may have not bust it open for, then take that L and find someone else, because that shit will never stop eating at you. What if you are ready to accept that past but that girl won’t share that history with you? Situationships are often times testing grounds to see if a woman is trustworthy. Here you are asking her to be honest, and she’s only sharing the first page of her Ho-Fax report. The last thing any man wants is for his friend or enemy coming up to him with information that he has the wrong intel on. If you know something about a person and they don’t come forward when given the opportunity to come clean, that’s what I call a character defining choice. Regardless if she’s afraid or doesn’t think it matters, you have to judge her by her integrity. “Who cut down the Cherry Tree?” George Washington raised his fucking hand—not because he was above lying, but because that’s something not worth lying about. You can’t be mad that she lived a life before you, but you can’t place your trust in someone that chooses a lie over the truth when the truth is just as easy tell. If you test a woman that you like with a character defining choice, and she fails, then don’t remain in a situationship hoping to be proved wrong, let her go, because no great relationship ever starts with distrust.
Do You Know Her Enough To Let Her Know You?
Every relationship requires a leap of faith. No matter how much you date, share, and question, most things won’t be revealed until you are actually in a relationship. To say, “fuck it” and jump into a relationship because the title of “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” aren’t legally binding is cool when you’re in high school and even college. When you’re older they are still just glorified handshake agreements, but emotionally they require you to open up and be vulnerable. And therein lies the problem with many men who choose to hide in these exclusive but not official relationships. As a man you don’t want to tell your family secrets, your fears about money, or past experiences that traumatized you, to a woman that is only in it for the Trophy of being chose. You don’t want to call a girl your girlfriend, claim her to your boys, and find out she just wanted money or status. I wrote THE book on Hoing so above all, I know that even the smartest men in business or the hardest in emotion can be the weakest when it comes to choosing romantically, if a girl knows how to play the Ho game. Situationships are safe, a practice run for men who aren’t quite sure of a woman’s potential or intentions. Calling someone your girl isn’t just a word, it means you have confidence in her character. She’s pretty, she’s interesting, she doesn’t overreact or act crazy over small things—but you still need to know if she has integrity. When a man says, “I need more time,” it means, “I don’t know your true character.” A girl on the phone is different when in public. A girl who you spend a weekend with, won’t show you the nasty side of her personality you see after spending ten straight days. The #1 fuck up women make is not testing a man’s character before she falls in-like with him, we as men are raised not to make those rookie mistakes. The vast majority of women say they don’t trust niggas, but they rush into relationships all the time without properly vetting these men, because they are thirsty for companionship or validation. Men chase the validation that comes from money or success, not getting a girl into bed, because that’s normal. Which allows for men to not rush relationships and take as much time as they need. How much time is enough time to figure her out, though? I’m always scolding girls about giving too much too fast, but I have to now scold men for sitting on the toilet too long without shitting.
There is a balance between being too eager and being too safe. I see men overusing the title of “friend” for too long, not to get sex with no strings attached, but to safeguard their hearts in case their WCW turns on them like Hollywood Hogan. “She might be a Ho, she might be trying to get pregnant and trap me, she might have fucked my cousin in Panama City Beach.” Grow the fuck up, and trust yourself to expose her if she is in it for the wrong reasons! To be in a situationship with a girl for months upon months doesn’t mean you’re being smart, it means that you’re afraid to make a bad choice. Either she is or she isn’t trust worthy. Stop fronting like you’re not sure when you have the evidence to make the verdict. No man wants to choose wrong, but when you refuse to choose at all, you will always lose! I’m sick of women always asking, “What does this mean when a man says this,” because my brothers are afraid to open their fucking mouths and tell them what it means. Tell her she needs too much attention and that’s annoying as fuck. Tell her she’s too possessive to take seriously. Tell her you see too many inconsistencies in her behavior. Tell her she’s too defensive in her own right. Most importantly be able to tell her the hard truth that after weeks or months of talking, she hasn’t shown the character that you’re looking for in a partner. Whatever your beef or your apprehension is, be a fucking man and let it be known! Stop with all this nonsense about trying to get your life in order first, you’re a solid five years from financially being where you want to be– you mean to tell me you aren’t going to have a girlfriend until you on the Forbes list? Bullshit! Stop telling these girls that your last girlfriend ruined you emotionally if it’s not true, because you mess it up for the guys who are legitimately still healing. Stop telling these regular chicks that “it’s not you, it’s me,” when you know it is her oatmeal personality having ass! Women today no longer need to be fucking coddled like they’re soft, these ladies can push out babies, so what makes you think they can’t take their feelings being hurt in an honest way? Yeah she’s going to hate you, yeah you won’t be able to get the pussy anymore (maybe), yeah she’s going to cry. It’s better to make a girl cry with the truth than to make her content with false hope!
It’s not about being mean, it’s about being real. These girls are sitting up at night crying their eyes out because you won’t let them know why they are placeholders. These girls are trying to fake new personalities, raise money for new body parts, and are compromising themselves in order to win you over, because they don’t know what men actually want. All men know what they want in a woman, and when you first meet her you can tell if she fits 80% of that. Do your homework, test her true nature, and see if she has that remaining 20% you are looking for, but don’t take forever! If that girl still has you on the fence after four months of dating, then climb off that fence, because if she hasn’t proved enough by then, she never will. In the end you either have to take that leap of faith and see if she is the one, or throw her ass back. Kings recognize Queens, they don’t waste time with whores who merely dress the part. Trust in your judgement!