As soon as you get into a relationship it’s like a Cuffed Alert goes off and everyone’s suddenly interested. Look at the options when you’re single versus when you’re in a relationship, it’s like the Universe is playing a cruel joke. Between relationships you can’t attract anyone who consistently blows you away. Instead, you keep running into struggle baes who aren’t as good looking, established, or honest as you hoped. Dating is like produce shopping at a 99cent store, you know 9 out of 10 of those apples are going to be rotten by the time you get it home. Then things change… you find the person of your dreams, make it official and all is well, until BLAM! The glow of your commitment shoots up like the Bat Signal, and everywhere you go people are trying to get at you. The irony is, it’s no longer the 99cent brand, it’s Whole Foods quality—every exotic option you always wanted to try is now in your face. Where were they when you were single and lonely as fuck? And more importantly, what do you do when someone you’re feeling puts your relationship to the test?
The cliché saying of “the grass isn’t always greener” is just that, a saying. Some times it’s greener as fuck… others times it’s worse. I know a person who broke up for someone new and that relationship ended up being just as bad… but I also know a couple who started off creeping, yet ended up happily married. Each one of you is on an individual journey so you can’t look at anyone else’s results as law. [click_to_tweet tweet=”There is no such thing as right and wrong, it’s all about who fits you best.” quote=”There is no such thing as right and wrong, it’s all about who fits you best.”] No matter if you have an official boyfriend or girlfriend or someone you’re exclusively talking to, you will meet someone that makes you wonder if you’ve gotten it wrong. In that moment of temptation you THINK you know how you will handle it, but real life plays out different from theory. Over the past year I’ve received emails from women who have cheated or are considering leaving their current boyfriend (or girlfriend) for the potential of another. Here’s an abbreviated version of one of them…
Breaking Up For Someone Better
India’s Email: “Hey G.L. since we last spoke things have improved but I didn’t quite take your advice. Remember **** the coordinator guy? I confided in him about my boyfriend around the same time I sent you that birthday recap and we have been talking after work like every day. It has gone from sitting in his car to grabbing dinner. Last Monday he made his move and kissed me. I did tease him about being afraid of me a few times, so I won’t sit here acting like it was unprovoked. I kissed him back but that’s all, I swear. Today we had a talk about it and he told me that he wants me to leave **** and start seeing him without all of the secrecy. He has made it clear that he is not a homewrecker and I believe that. He’s such a great guy who wants to take things slow and he understands me on a level that **** doesn’t. I know what you’re going to say, but wouldn’t it be smart if I played along and dated him while still in my relationship with ****? Also, what are your thoughts on sex at this stage? I don’t want to be that dummy that leaves her man for a guy with a trash penis lol. I think I know what to do but I’m scared, please help…”
By the time I was able to respond “India” had already fucked the new guy. By the end of the month the new guy had called India’s boyfriend and told him what went down and laid claim to her. Then all hell broke loose at home and at her job because both men became really petty. Right now, India’s single and neither man is talking to her. In short, she handled a delicate situation in the most Basica way ever. That’s not to pile on India. Most of you are in this same position or will be in the near future. In the age of social media, you will be tested by something that looks too good to resist. In the age of aggressive shot takers, “I have someone,” will only make them try harder. So many men crack at the first pretty girl that throws it at them and so many women are emotionally unprepared for romantic pressure from men that check all of her “husband material” boxes. There are people you will come across who compliment you much better than the person who you thought was your so-called “soul mate” and it’s time to take a realistic look at it.
I’ve written about how to take someone’s boyfriend, but I’ve never explored getting rid of your own for something new. The truth is that we’re all subject to temptation, especially when we’re in a relationship that isn’t going as great as it once was. There will always be other people who look better, talk better, or just have that vibe that makes you consider a switch. No matter if it’s someone new at work, an ex from the past, or a stranger who catches your eyes in public or on social media, you can easily get caught up. If there’s doubt or curiosity, love alone isn’t going to stop you from entertaining what they have to say. You just had a fight—they’re there to remind you that you have another option. You don’t feel appreciated—they’re there to offer you attention. You’re feeling irritated and distant—they’re there to put a smile on your face and breath new energy into your day. It’s not about sex or being greedy, it’s about the fear that you chose wrong. The more cracks in your relationship there are, the more tempted you will be to give that person a shot at proving that they can treat you better. Even if you try to fight it at first, each new argument or problem will make you think, “Damn, I should give such and such a chance.” This is not something you can talk to people about because you don’t want to be judged as disloyal or a cheater. Yet, despite the guilt, the feelings remain… Is this person better for you than your current boyfriend or girlfriend? There’s only one way to find out. Let’s start with the women then get to the men.
The Four Men That Will Ruin You
There’s no such thing as a soul mate or ONE person for each of us. Logically and scientifically you all know that’s myth making and social conditioning meant to keep women in that Disney Princess state of mind. There is a very real chance that the man you met months or years ago stops being consistent, stops growing with you, or simply annoys the fuck out of you after awhile. People change throughout a relationship, but it’s often for the worst. The guy who felt so magical now feels pedestrian and the thought of “is this what love is,” creeps into your brain. Most women ignore these feelings and keep trying to repair that relationship because that’s what little girls are trained to do “stand by your man.” The want for something more is a slow boiling feeling, and that’s where these four men come into play. Let’s be clear, no one can infiltrate a truly solid relationship, but most of your relationships aren’t solid. We as men can sense when a woman has a crack in her relationship, sometimes even before she realizes it. It’s in your eyes, it’s in the tone of your voice, it’s in your laugh, it’s even in your body language. [click_to_tweet tweet=”“I have a boyfriend,” means nothing when your eyes lock and give away the truth of your situation.” quote=”“I have a boyfriend,” means nothing when your eyes lock and give away the truth of your situation.” theme=”style4″]
The New Guy That Has You Crushing Hard: Most of you will find yourself dealing with someone totally new and foreign to you. It could be the new hire at work who always asks about you or goes out of his way to speak. It may be some guy that pops up on social media following you and giving you extra attention. It could even be a stranger you bump into whom you have a legit reason to stay in contact with. Some examples I’ve seen have been mechanics who can help out with car issues, business owners who promise to hook you up, people in an industry who you want to network with, etc… All of these men start off innocent and platonic. In your mind you have someone, you’re not the kind of person who cheats, but these new guys know that once you crack the door to your heart, they can push all the way in. Work “husbands” turn into happy hour drinking partners. It’s only social media, until you two start DMing each other every day. The guy that helped you out with your flat tire, soon becomes that guy you text for advice. Dude who was trying to help you get your side hustle off the ground, starts looking like a snack, and you find yourself thinking about him more than your man.
The Ex That Promises to Do Better: Humbling the fuck out of an ex is an emotional orgasm. To have someone come crawling back admitting that they were in the wrong and begging for a second chance isn’t just an ego stroke, it’s a “what if”. To have loved and lost someone who is now back doing exactly what you wanted from the start will confuse your senses. These exes know you still have feelings, so they purposely play off the past while showing proof of change in the present. Your ex-boyfriend may come back with a “just friends” angle where he checks on you, makes sure you’re good, and that’s it. Your ex could also go the aggressive route and start buying you gifts, offering to do favors for you or family members, and pouring out his heart in ways he never would when you were a couple. Regardless if his approach is sneaky or direct, all it takes is you showing him signs that your current relationship is rocky, and he’ll keep reminding you that he was always your soul mate, he just needed a chance to mature.
The Platonic Friend That Wants More: 90% of you reading this has a guy in the friendzone who is dying to make his move. This could be your childhood bestie, someone from college who you friended on Facebook, a cousin or brother of one of your girlfriends, or even someone you once liked but decided you were better as friends. Of all the men you may be tempted by, this is the sneak attack few of you see coming. This friend who you’ve confided in knows the right things to say. He’s not a sexual threat so he can get you to lower your guard quicker than a new guy in terms of intimacy. This friend who genuinely loves you can make a case that he will never hurt you, and when your main guy isn’t acting right sometimes that’s all you need to hear to risk it all. In vulnerable times, it doesn’t matter if he isn’t your type, if he feels more like a brother, or that it’ll ruin or change the friendship dynamic going forward. The best relationships need strong foundations of friendship, and your platonic bestie has already passed that test, so of course he seems like the perfect solution.
The Unhappy Taken Guy: You meet a guy who’s nice, charming, and in a miserable relationship. Like most women you want to be helpful, so you proceed talk to him, advise him, and be positive about his choice to either stay or leave his current girlfriend. The guy begins to lean on you more and more, and that kind of vulnerability from a man is sexy. In response you begin to open up about your own relationship not being as good as it once was… and in that moment of “I wish she was you” the lines blur and you end up in a full-blown affair. I’ve seen this play out with everyone from NBA Players and Actresses to Nurses and Doctors. Nothing bonds two unhappy people than being able to vent about their significant other to someone who truly understands them.
How To Handle These Feelings
No matter what type of man suddenly has you in your feelings, it only takes three steps to sort it out, so you can make an honest and definite decision. The first step is to take your head out of your ass and use logic. Step out of the fantasy of being chased by something new and remember that you’re still being pursued by someone with an agenda. He says he has money but does he really? He says he can treat you better but is he just more of the same? He claims to be looking for something real, but is that all game? You can’t afford to get open off of TALK TALK TALK, you need to investigate your feelings by making sense of his. Start by breaking it down in these two ways…
Maybe He Wants To Love You: There are men who won’t let a preexisting condition called “She Has A Man” stop him from snatching his Queen. Guys who have loved and lost and have sampled all the dating scene has to offer and he will know with great certainty when he’s in front of a Game Changer. Think back to everything I’ve written on this subject especially MDLWLY and The Unicorn Delusion. If a man is trying to snatch you up and make you his, he does specific things to show it, he doesn’t just tell. Is this love or is it lust? Until you figure out his angle, you don’t have sex, you don’t leave the person you’re with, and you don’t lose yourself in his promises. The idea that it’s love and all the sweet things he’s drilling into your ear should be downplayed as infatuation.
Maybe He Wants To Fuck You: Doesn’t matter what he says, how he treats you, or the vibe he’s giving off, every man is chasing after pussy until he proves he’s not. “How can I get him to prove it without having sex,” if you thought any variation of this, then you need to start in the archives of this site because your way behind the Spartan Game. Remember that men come into your life wearing masks. Doesn’t matter if it’s an ex or a friend you’ve known for years, he’s going to put on an act in order to get you where he wants you, it’s the way ALL MEN hunt. When you’re already in a relationship, that mask becomes even harder to spot because you’re not in the “game” anymore. A woman that’s single is on high alert because she’s used to guys being full of shit, but your bullshit meter is rusty. Predators ask you questions about your relationships, pinpoint the weak spots, and turn up the heat by doing things he knows your man doesn’t do. It’s an emotional blitz that will take you by surprise. In the end the emotional affair will turn physical and you find yourself cheating or leaving your current boyfriend.
The fallout isn’t guilt, it’s the revelation that he was running game. He only wanted to fuck you because you were new, or it was a rush to take another man’s woman. Once that novelty wears off, he ghosts you or fakes an argument to push you away. Now you’re left feeling dumb and trying to get back with your ex. Most times your ex will take you back just to hate fuck you or to stroke his ego, but the trust is gone, and he’ll never love you the way he once did. In short order you’re back single and full of regret because you didn’t do your homework.
The next step is to put him to the test in a real way. How? You Interview this motherfucker for the next four weeks. If you were being courted normally you would date him to see if he treats you with value. If you were trying to work Ho Tactics on him, you would test him to see if he has money to spend and doesn’t mind spending it. No matter what you are looking to get from a man, it all begins with pressing him until he shows you what you need to see.
“Why Me” Conversation: It’s not enough for a man to like you just because he does. Typical women fall in love with those that flatter and kiss their ass. What is your appeal? Are you that cute, that funny, that engaging or are you just his latest project. Is it the personality or are you low hanging fruit? Maybe it’s the fact that you already have a man that makes you a must have. C’mon ladies, you know that men love to conquer things that are seemingly hard to get. The first conversation you have once you decide he may be worth your time is what drew him to you. This conversation needs to force him to give you specifics. No shallow answers like “your energy” or “your smile”. Also talk about your relationship in a real way. What happens if you don’t ever leave your man? Is he afraid that some other guy will come in and do the same thing he’s trying to do? Really make him uncomfortable by pointing out that you aren’t some damsel in distress. He can’t see you as just a fantasy, he has to see you as a woman with complex feelings who isn’t perfect.
Spend A Day: Women are the best kind of sneaky, so don’t act like you can’t get away from your current man for a day. Once you vet his interest in you, the time will come to normalize your feelings by hanging out. Under regular conditions you would go on dates, but you don’t have time for that. Instead, you need to play an entire day from afternoon to evening, where you spend time together. The purpose behind this is that fantasy thinking makes ordinary men seem special. Sneaking to text, getting pictures, him popping up, or making up excuse to hop on the phone, these things take you to a teenager mindset. Is it really them or is it the rush of being bad? The only way to keep your feelings honest is to spend time with this man for a long period of time. I have countless stories of how women no matter if it was long distance or creeping, realized after a bad date or a long weekend that the guy wasn’t what she really wanted. Watch how he pressures you for sex, listen to how he talks when you’ve run out of “I miss you” chit chat, observe how he spends money, pay attention to how he handles the other girl’s he’s dating or talking to in terms of ignoring calls or texts. The circus only lasts for two hours because kids get bored. Affairs usually don’t end in a real relationship because people get bored. Test yourself by spending real time at least once a week for four weeks.
Space: Are you making this too easy for him? Doesn’t matter if he’s the one chasing you, calling you, and trying to arrange dates to see you, are you giving in every time he reaches out or are you making him work? I’ll be honest, the women with boyfriends who I’ve messed with (messed with = fucked) were easier to get than single women. Single women required dates, they were aloof at times, they masked their feelings and played hard to get. Girls with boyfriends don’t play these games! I remember this one girl would always pick up on the first ring, she would be down to see me whenever I wanted, and she didn’t act shy or reserved when I went for sex. Never lose sight of how much adrenaline plays in romance. You have to pump your own breaks and remind yourself that this isn’t a case of you just wanting to get your pussy destroyed by something new, it’s real feelings about if this guy is a better fit universally. To throw the pussy at him without making him earn it in a real way can sour him on how much he actually wanted you from the jump.
Go a few days without speaking to him at a time. Don’t return every text or call. Stand him up. This is all a test. If he really wants to be with you his actions will adjust to prove it. If you’re just a notch on his belt he’ll show his true colors. Does he talk shit when he can’t get his way? Does he throw other women in your face to prove that he has options? Does he threaten you with telling your boyfriend? Does he start acting like a stalker? Trust me, you need to push this man to his limits to see if you can shake off his mask. Again, it doesn’t matter if it’s a new guy, a friend who you thought you knew, an ex, or a guy with his own girl, they all are the same until you push their buttons.
Honesty Hour: At the end of these four weeks, if he’s passed each test with flying colors, then you must have a come to Jesus moment with yourself. Do you still like this guy? Is he consuming your thoughts more than your current man? Do you want him physical and emotionally? No more of this “I don’t know,” indecisive bullshit that basic women do because they’re afraid to be real with themselves. I’m not asking you if it will work out, about karma, or about morals. Even after a month of vetting your feelings towards him and his consistent actions, have your feelings deepened or lessened for this disruptor? If the answer is “yes,” then the choice is clear, you need to break up with your current partner. “But I don’t want to hurt—” shut the fuck up and stop being a coward. We all are guilty of crushing on other people, we all have fantasies, but if you’ve taken it to the point where you legitimately enjoy someone else’s company over the person you’re with, then it’s time to end it.
It’s Not Him… It’s Him
Spoiler Alert: This had nothing to do with leaving the person you’re with for someone better, this was about you taking inventory of your relationship and coming away with proof that it was dying a slow death. This isn’t about the new guy being better, it’s about the old guy no longer working! I don’t want you to swap out the old for the new, I just want you to be honest. The hardest thing to do is to breakup because when there’s not a big argument or event, people keep holding on under the pretense of “it’s not that bad,” when it truly is that bad. You’re unhappy, you’re wasting both of your time, and you need to put an end to it, so you can move on the right way.
Maybe It’s You
I knew a married woman who was seeing a single man. When the man told her, he was going out to see a “friend” the married woman waited for five hours in front of his apartment complex, watched him come in with his “friend” and then slit the tires to his car. I asked her way was she so jealous when she had a WHOLE HUSBAND at home. Her response, “What’s mine is mine.” Not only do you need to look at the agenda of these men that come into your life, you have to take a hard look at what you’re trying to get out of this side dish relationship. Most times it’s not his dick, it’s his attention. Your own relationship is not good enough, so you’re getting high off the way a new man chases you. You’re telling him you love him. You’re threatening his other women. You’re forgetting that you’re the one in a committed relationship, not him. If you exhibit any of these signs, then you need to meditate or seek therapy on the deeper reasons behind your lust. Dick doesn’t make women crazy, the crazy is already there. Other people can’t take you from the one you’re with, you were already ready to leave, you just needed an excuse. Point the finger at all the ways they aren’t holding up to their side of the relationship to justify your emotions and actions, but in the end, you have to decide to do something about it, not just switch out one man for another man and hope you picked right this time around.
How do you move on romantically? Date this new guy? Assemble a new roster? Keep your ex around until you’re 100% sure you can’t work this out? You need alone time, princess. Understand that this was never about some new guy being your true soul tie, soul mate, or whatever fake deep word you read on the internet. This was someone who simply showed you that you have the potential to be happier. That other guy exposed the holes in your dream house, but you knew you had leaks all along. The last thing you need is to break up and jump into the arms of yet another man while you’re still unsure of what you need to be happy. Any man can treat you good for the honey moon period, any man can fuck you like he’s fresh out of jail when high on new lust, and any man can promise to never change when you’re living in a bubble. We don’t date in a bubble, we don’t love in the honeymoon period, relationships aren’t just hard work, they’re proving grounds that are supposed to bring you closer even during the bad times. Take time to find yourself. Don’t date at all until you’re ready. Take out your Spartan journal and write down how you got swept up in a weak relationship and then write down all the reasons you will never let it happen again. Life is a lesson. You’re either learning or losing.
For the Men Stuck with A Placeholder
What about the men? Guys routinely seek out new pussy then return to their same woman because they weren’t looking to upgrade. Some get their Diddy on and quickly switch out old bae for a new bae that looks just like old bae. Men have a hard time dealing with breakups and the falling out of love process because we’re internally stunted. I challenge every man to take self inventory of their current relationship and here’s a story that proves my point to the max: My good friend had been flirting with a few different women over the past three months and his thirst in general had began to rise as if he didn’t have a longtime girlfriend. My sister-in-law visited to celebrate her birthday here in LA, and during a drinking game we were all instructed to “drink if you’re single” he quickly took a shot and said, “Well I’m not married so I’m single, right?” This wasn’t a joke as he flirted with my wife’s sister all night long. A few weeks later it was a new woman at work that had him open. They went out to talk business, then it ended with drinks, and a weekend of sexting. Then yet another girl caught his eye, and he was sending me screenshots of their conversations. At NO point did he tell any of these women he had a girlfriend. I asked him straight up, if this were your girl doing these things how would you feel? He shut down.
In that moment I thought about my readers, those women who are in love with men who really don’t want them but will never leave no matter how much advice I give. I couldn’t let it keep going on, so I told him directly that it’s not about new girls or his thirst for sex, it’s about his dissatisfaction with his woman. The same woman who he told me he wanted to marry by next year. Think about that. He was in the midst of planning an elaborate engagement, but secretly he wasn’t sure. It took those new women to shake up his world, and me to talk to him man to man and tell him to take a break. He did break up, but so many other guys are out here wasting the time of women who are fully committed. Fellas, you know when it’s about sex and you know when it’s about unhappiness. If you have a woman who has slowly declined into a Placeholder, you have to make the mature decision to cut her loose. My own friend just wasted years with a woman who was always going to be a Placeholder, and now she has to pick the pieces and go back to the dating game older and damaged. Women stick around and ignore the red flags more often than not, so I’m challenging any man that’s feeling unfulfilled to do right by the both of you and walk away because you can’t assume she will get the hint.
Finding Your Game Changer ASAP
What’s next? Moving on is hard, vetting people seems like a chore, and sometimes settling for a Placeholder seems safer than going for what you really want. Fuck that. I invite each one of you, men and women, to read She Ain’t It: Platinum Edition. It’s an updated version of the book complete with FIVE NEW CHAPTERS that takes you from the meeting stage all the way to relationship problems and how to fix them before you break up. While aimed at men, this book is a MUST READ for women, as it sheds light on personality traits you may no know that hold you back as well as insight into what quality men are looking for in a Game Changer Vs Placeholder.
It’s available right now on Amazon: