You ever have someone tell you something so unbelievable, shocking, and generally FUCKED UP that you want to tell the world… but you can’t. Of course you tell one or two people who you hope will keep this massive secret better than you have, but for the most part you have to keep it to yourself. Well that’s what happened to me about 9 months ago when I got a phone call from my home girl who told me the craziest sex story I’ve ever heard. Since then the guy who was a crucial part of this story is no longer with her, so I feel obligated to put his chump ass on blast. I hope you’re sitting down.

The Names have been changed to protect me from getting a phone call later tonight.

So my friend, let’s call her Brandy was dating this guy, let’s call him Andre. Now me and this girl are pretty close, one of those platonic relationships that has stayed mostly platonic with the exception of that one time… anyway she’s a brat. Being spoiled, pretty, lazy, and intelligent is a deadly cocktail. Last year she decided that she didn’t want to work anymore so she did what any lazy girl would do, find a man to take care of her. So this leads her to Andre. While I never quite knew what Andre did, I suspect it was something illegal. Apparently it was good times, because she stayed in Prada and at the salon. That’s the backstory.

So I get the phone call, and it goes something like this:
Brandy: what are you doing punk?
Me: Watching wrestling. What’s up?
Brandy: Yo, (voice goes low, but you can tell she’s smiling on the other end of the line) tell me why I made my boyfriend suck his best friend’s dick last night.
Me: …
Oh, did I mention that Brandy is a hardcore sexual deviant? I guess that’s obvious now. I sat literally speechless to the point where she says “Did you hear me?” How do I respond to a woman who just told you her boyfriend sucked another man’s DICK? “Oh forreal? I got my car washed today.”

Brandy goes on to tell me the details that lead up to this ultimate act of perversion. They were at some fancy dinner with his best friend, let’s call him Mark. So they’re drinking, and she emphasizes “drinking a lot” like alcohol will make any of this shit kosher. She’s saying freaky shit to him in public, pissing him off and turning him on at the same time I suppose. So she tells him frankly, I want to see you suck Mark’s dick. To that they both respond “what?” as if the thought of it disgust them. After more drinking she says she pushes the issue, and she begins to tell him how much it’ll turn her on, and that she was going to cum at the table just thinking about it. Now the way she’s telling me this story, I assume she wasn’t bullshitting, the thought of the most taboo of taboo’s had really become a turn on for her over the course of this meal. Now this is the same girl who’s called my cell several times while she was in the act of getting fuck, and tried to make me listen, so I knew that something this sick was right up her alley. Fast-forward to Andre’s house. They’re all ass naked she’s getting fucked by Andre while she sucks Mark’s dick. She stops and tells Andre to take over. Apparently this is the part where Mark was like “I don’t care” or something like that. Brandy’s moaning and groaning telling him to do it. Andre asks her “is that what you want?” She’s like “Yea!” And just like that– he sucks his best friend’s dick.
Cut. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. My first questions was why would his friend agree to go along with it, she answers that he looked kinda sweet anyway. I repeat “That’s crazy” about a dozen times in a minute. She’s laughing because she can’t even believe it happened. Oh, it’s not over…
Milford
So Brandy’s like let me suck your dick while you suck his. They go for it. Then I guess that’s not enough, so she tells Andre to let Mark put it in his ass. I’m done off of that, I don’t really want to hear anymore, but I have to know how this ends. I’m like “yo what kind of gay shit is that?” she answers matter of factly, “some real gay shit”. I ask with fear, “He let dude fuck him in the ass!?” She was like “naw, he tried but it was hurting him, so his friend stopped.” Wtf!?! What happened after all of that was over? Did the three of you turn on TV, laugh, and cuddle? She says Andre pulled her in the other room and just said “Don’t tell anybody about this, I’ll kill you.”

Wow. I’m both sickened and entertained by this story, I ask the obvious question that I have to ask… did you cum? She says “…naw”. LMFAO! What was the point of it? She says she just wanted to see if he would do it and that it was a change up from the ordinary. She asked if me and my girl did anything kinky, I was like nothing near the level of what you’re talking about. The day my girl needs to see me sucking cock to make her orgasm is the day I find me another chick. As soon as I got off the phone, I began to think. There is no girl in the world that could convince me to have sex with another man. NONE. I wouldn’t touch another man’s dick while wearing a glove even if Beyonce, Mila Kunis, and a resurrected Aaliyah were promising me the greatest orgy on earth. I came to the conclusion that Andre and his “sweet” looking homeboy had probably crossed Swords before on the D-low, and she merely got him to cop to it.
But it wasn’t over. We talked several times after that and she never really mentioned it in detail, I just made jokes about “where’s your girlfriend” or “yall take turns sucking any dick today” it became a running joke between us. She said they did it a few more times, with the best friend and then with another girl, but she said Andre was way more into guy-guy-girl then girl-guy-girl. A few months ago their relationship began to go downhill, and I would ask why she was staying with a verbally abusive asshole that sucks dick in private? She would always say—the money. But it was love, she was in love with a cock sucker– literally. She admits it now, but back then she didn’t want to.

What the hell has happened to this world? To let a girl pressure you into giving head to your bestie then let him pound you in the ass… that’s a whole new level of freakiness. I told my homeboy Homicide the story and after a few “That’s wild” comments, he said his respect for her had grown by leaps and bounds because he’s never known a bitch bad enough to turn a dude out. I don’t buy that. Just like I don’t believe that drinking Ciroc, putting on a porno, and getting a girl to go down on her home girl is turning her out, it’s just putting her in a position to do what she really wanted to. In my opinion Andre was a closet homo thug who became best friends with the only person he could be himself around. Brandy didn’t turn him out, he was already there… or maybe she is that bad who knows, in the end a dick was sucked and my entire night of watching pro wrestling seemed pretty gay in context. This is why I hate answering my phone.

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