You ever have someone tell you something so unbelievable, shocking, and generally FUCKED UP that you want to tell the world… but you can’t. Of course you tell one or two people who you hope will keep this massive secret better than you have, but for the most part you have to keep it to yourself. Well that’s what happened to me about 9 months ago when I got a phone call from my home girl who told me the craziest sex story I’ve ever heard. Since then the guy who was a crucial part of this story is no longer with her, so I feel obligated to put his chump ass on blast. I hope you’re sitting down.
The Names have been changed to protect me from getting a phone call later tonight.
So my friend, let’s call her Brandy was dating this guy, let’s call him Andre. Now me and this girl are pretty close, one of those platonic relationships that has stayed mostly platonic with the exception of that one time… anyway she’s a brat. Being spoiled, pretty, lazy, and intelligent is a deadly cocktail. Last year she decided that she didn’t want to work anymore so she did what any lazy girl would do, find a man to take care of her. So this leads her to Andre. While I never quite knew what Andre did, I suspect it was something illegal. Apparently it was good times, because she stayed in Prada and at the salon. That’s the backstory.
So I get the phone call, and it goes something like this:
Brandy: what are you doing punk?
Me: Watching wrestling. What’s up?
Brandy: Yo, (voice goes low, but you can tell she’s smiling on the other end of the line) tell me why I made my boyfriend suck his best friend's dick last night.
Me: …
Oh, did I mention that Brandy is a hardcore sexual deviant? I guess that’s obvious now. I sat literally speechless to the point where she says “Did you hear me?” How do I respond to a woman who just told you her boyfriend sucked another man's DICK? "Oh forreal? I got my car washed today."
Brandy goes on to tell me the details that lead up to this ultimate act of perversion. Ready for this?
