Doing some black Friday shopping I realized that I associate a lot of things with women. Holiday shopping, winter time, cold weather, the only black cashier in the store breaking her neck to speak to me— it’s Lonely Bitch Season. Back in high school my boy Falcon use to say some of the most brilliant shit to me when talking about girls, one that stuck with me was this notion of Lonely Bitch Season. He schooled me with this, “after thanksgiving break, girls come back to school and they trying to let a nigga beat because they want Christmas presents”. Mind you I was 17 years old and to a 17 year old that ignorance makes perfect sense, at the time I had never met a girl who didn’t flirt with me during the holidays and ask “so what you getting me for Christmas”. While my man Falcon didn’t quite hit the nail on the head with his logic, as I grew older I realized that he came pretty close.
Thanksgiving is a family holiday, and for single females this can be tough. No matter how much of a drunk your Cousin Wanda’s boyfriend is or that everyone at the table knows Aunt Jackie’s husband beats her, they’re still shitting on the single girl at the table. They may be dysfunctional, but her ass arrived alone and will leave alone. I can go to a thanksgiving and not get asked one question about the opposite sex. A girl who’s nearing that “marrying age” gets in front of the family and it’s lock and load on the “so who you seeing” or “when are you going give us a nephew” questions. Once she survives that dinner she’s out on that next Friday, not shopping for discount jeans at the Gap, but shopping for a boo for the winter.
Its cold and no one wants to lay up under the comforter alone watching Set It Off pretending to have fun by themselves. Well no one with a vagina. Women like to cuddle, they like to snuggle, they like to point out cuddling and snuggling are two different things. Come April she’ll be ready to hit the club again, but for now, it’s too cold to go out dressed like a slut. No boss bitch wants to be the desperate hoe in heels when it’s 27 degrees. I’ve seen East Coast club nights in the winter, that girl who’s dressed like its summertime will be molested on the dance floor by ten different niggas by the time one song is over just because every other chick has the sense to wear jeans. So you’re stuck dancing at home listening to Black and Yellow on your iPod lonely as fuck, refreshing your computer every two minutes and typing something lonely like “Twitter is popping tonight!”
Who doesn’t like gifts? I got a girl I had only been talking to for a few weeks a Christmas gift because I was trying to soften her up. I hit before New Years, and I owe it all to that cheap ass Zales bracelet. A girl may try and lock a man up from Christmas to Valentine’s Day, but usually Christmas is where you’ll get the most expensive gift. And it’s not about being a gold digger; it’s about measuring how much he cares. If a guy really likes you, price is not an issue, if he’s in it for the short run, you may get the CVS pharmacy perfume set. Don’t front ladies; you care about price even if you won’t admit it to anyone but yourself. Give a girl a Victoria Secret nightgown and I guarantee you she’ll go price that shit the same day. If you spend less than $50 dollars on a gift and that gift can be traced… you fucked up. It’s never the thought that count—it’s the money that went into the product.
So what do you do with this knowledge? If you’re a man you follow what my nigga Falcon said. You step your post turkey day game up, because that bitch who gave you the wrong number then had the nerve to try and convince you that she didn’t, it was you who misheard the numbers—that hoe is lonely right now. All the girls you had saved in your phone, not erasing their numbers even though you’re on your 3rd phone since you first saved it to your Sim card, it’s time to give them the “oh hey, I was just going through my phone…” treatment. Why? Because the Holiday Season is like beer goggles for broads. It will make the whackest niggas look appealing, “He got that discoloration on the left side of his face, but his clothes do be fly, girl”. Every guy reading this, note the amount of flirting that comes your way, I guarantee it’ll be up 30% by the week of Christmas.
If you’re a female, don’t deny this phenomenon, it’s okay to be lonely, that’s not a negative thing. There is not one person in this world that hasn’t sat in a room wishing they had someone to hang with at one point in their lives. You’re a lonely bitch– accept it—but be aware of guys who are up on game. Dudes you haven’t talked to in a while are texting you… that one dude at wal-mart who you always speak to suddenly wants to know more about you… your male homie is being a little bit more sexual than usual… Stop, drop, and roll because you are in the midst of the Holiday Pussy Push. Guys who won’t take a chick out to eat are willing to sacrifice $40 and below on coochie this time a year. Sweaters, $25 Red Lobster gift cards, liquor, .3 caret earrings from the middle of the mall, it’s all good if it leads to him tapping that ass while Rudolph plays in the background. Niggas hibernate for the winter, but they still need a chick to service them in-between games of nba2k. Women long for companionship during these blistering months, especially those who homegirls are boo’d up, so they’ll be more open to giving a guy who they usually wouldn’t go for a shot. It’s a perfect storm of users using each other.
Usually I would say, ladies don’t pick up the phone and ignore solicitations from strangers standing next to you on the bus stop. But fuck it, why not go for it? You’re single and have nothing to lose.You get a free gift for less than a month’s worth of work; you have someone to talk to at night instead of posting “bored” as your Facebook status, and who knows he might be a decent dude.