The following is a text conversation I had with my friend on Friday.
Her: I think I’m gay
Me: I can’t believe it! That time you let that girl sit on your face I thought you did it because you felt sorry for her, not because you liked the taste.
End of conversation.
This girl is my best female friend and as her 25th birthday approaches next month I think she’s going through the motions of “I want love” so I’m trying anything. She likes sex with men and women, but it’s been clear by her dating history that she is only interested in being in a serious relationship with a man. However, when your freak level is to the point where you are down for anything (she was the focus of this crazy blog) you tend to scare people away. Men are nasty by nature, but when it comes to the women we want to commit to and open our hearts to, we tend to seek out the more conservative girl as appose to those who are down for 3sums and golden showers. It’s a catch 22. We’re on the prowl for a girl who can pussy pop on a hand stand and swallow a dick like Nautica Thorn because we want the ultimate nut. At the same time, we’re looking for a girl we can take home to mommy and not worry about our cousin saying he ran a train on that a few years back. My homegirl is a dime, well spoken, and dresses like she stepped out of a magazine, niggas break their necks to holla. But I feel sorry for any man who falls hard for her only to find out four months into the relationship that she’s going to need more than him hitting her from the back and asking “who’s pussy is this” to make her cum.
Sexual compatibility is extremely important in a relationship but women and men do not communicate what they’re into so it becomes a constant game of guessing or trying things only when you’re drunk. Men are better at being vocal, we’re quick to tell a woman how to give us head or what position we want her in because we need our nut and know how to get it. On the other hand too many women keep their mouths shut in the bedroom when it comes to getting their nut. In the time I have been writing this blog I’ve gotten more emails from women about not having orgasm and dealing with guys who can’t fuck than anything else. All these niggas like to brag about their dick game, but most women go to sleep frustrated. How is that possible if all these men are blowing back outs? Someone is lying and more importantly someone is not checking them on that lie. Women should know their freak level and what they need to get off. And once she’s in a relationship her man should know what she’s into as well. The bullshit answer is, “You should know what I like” bitch please leave it to a man he’ll think you get wet watching him play Call of Duty. Now are you going to open your mouth and tell him to choke you or are you going to wait six months for him to figure out you’re into S&M? Face it, every man thinks he has the best dick ever and that you get turned on automatically. That’s because women allow us to believe that our Kool-Aid doesn’t need more sugar. We may think you like something but secretly you’re just going along with it to make us happy. It’s time to stop the lies and open up about what turns you on.
The Virgin Whore: Women struggle with how much they should put the pussy on a guy when they’re first getting to know him. If you fuck his brains out, he’s going to think you’re a loose hoe. If you hold back and he has to work extra hard to bust that nut, he’s going to be like, “I wasted six and a half dates on this?” Why play games at all? If you’re not 15 years old, he expects you to know how to fuck and fuck good. Maybe you don’t 69 or suck his balls during the first month of sex, but when it comes to the actual act of riding, moaning, talking shit, etc… you have to go hard. Think of sex as a job interview, you are selling yourself to your employer so you can get hired. Why would you sabotage yourself? The Supervisor gives you a test on the cash register, you know how to work the hell out of the cash register, but because you don’t want to seem over experienced you pretend you can’t find the = button? No one does that! Your personality is the interior of the house, your looks are the paint job on the outside of the house, they’re very important when buying the house, but your pussy is the foundation of the house and nothing is more important than that. You want to embed in this nigga’s head that you have the type of pussy that he can be married to for the rest of his life. The real reason niggas don’t want to get married is because there might be a better pussy he’s going to miss out on. The real reason men get divorced isn’t “irreconcilable differences” it’s “Vaginal wackness”. Sex may seem like its not important and that busting a nut is busting a nut, but your level of Yankness is the key to getting a ring on your finger. You can pretend you’re a virgin when he’s courting you, but when it comes time for you to drop your draws, don’t freeze, don’t dial it in, don’t hold back, fuck him the way you like to fuck because you may not get a second shot at interviewing for that job.
Christopher Columbus That Hoe: Men love to be the first to do something with a woman. The only thing we love more than a girl that can suck the skin off a dick is a girl who’s never sucked a dick in her life. The less nasty things you have done, the more prime your stock. Bassicas think because they can take it in the ass like a pro and love to swallow that niggas are going to be lined up to see if it’s true. They’re right, men will be lined up to fuck you, and they’ll also be lined up to exit your bedroom in search of a woman less nasty to make their actual girl. Stop giving so much away when you’re fucking these community niggas. Save some for the man that’s actually going to put you in a wedding dress. You’ve probably given away the pussy a long time ago, but damn Lucy Wall’less, come to the honeymoon with some land that is still undiscovered. When you find a man you like and he’s eating your ass like it’s a Klondike bar, you’re going to wonder how many times he’s done that before. It may seem freaky and new to you, but you’re just another ass he’s munching. Wouldn’t it have been better if he built up to shoving his tongue in your ass? Now you have to live with the fact that the ex-girlfriend he claims to hate also had her ass cannibalized. You want to be able to start with someone who doesn’t lick toes and then grow into him dying to suck the shit out of your big toe when you get back from the nail shop. Sexual growth is doing something you would never have done with anyone else because you’re now in love. If you both come into the relationship freaked out, shit is going to get boring real fast.
“They Eat Each Other, But Otherwise They Don’t Eat Much”: I am all about girl on girl action, I don’t care if you’re a no man allowed lesbian or weekend Ciroc fueled carpet muncher, it’s all beautiful. Nevertheless, curious women should watch for 3sum predators. When you are getting to know guys today, they’re going to ask if you like girls. Now why would a guy you’re dating ask you if you’re into another gender if you’re out with him? A girl would never ask a guy if he’s into boys, not unless she wants to get the Jennifer Williams drink in the face treatment. Men don’t play that shit, if he’s a DL nigga you won’t be able to find out through conversation, you have to hope you can read signs better than Star Jones. When a guy asks a girl about eating her own, he’s putting out feelers. He’s trying to see if he can get something cracking. Just because you are up for the idea doesn’t mean you have to help that nigga live out his fantasy. Dudes say, “I can only marry a girl if she likes girl“, but what he’s really saying is that I want to continue fucking other women after I commit myself to her and this bi-sexual shit is my loophole. Maybe that’s what you’re into, swinger lifestyles and key parties work for a lot of people, but when you’re getting to know a guy and he’s already trying to ménage you out, that’s not a good sign that he has much respect for you. My homegirl who I talked about in the beginning pulled me aside at my wedding… yes my wedding… and asked, “Why didn’t we have sex with your girlfriend before you married her“. I replied, “Because she’s my wife!” Even before I married her I thought of her as my wife, and no matter how much I love 3sums there was no way in hell I would have tried to party out the woman that’s going to one day have my children. If that was something she was into and she came to me with the idea first, then I would have been ready to go, but I have way too much respect for her to try to initiate something like that just because it turned me on. Dudes will always be on the hunt for girls who like girls because it means they are closer to their fantasy. If you are into it, go for it, but do it for yourself not so he can have a story to tell.