How the fuck does a marriage end in less than three months? Easy, you spend six months obsessing over what flavor of icing the cake will have instead of obsessing over what kind of life you and your fiancé will have. When your focus is on who’s coming to your wedding, not who’s going to be there when the wedding ends, you’re begging for trouble. Kim Kardashian was so thirsty to get married and shove her “Fairy Tale” wedding in everyone’s face that the bitch made a crucial blunder… she forgot to build a solid relationship. Look at me world, marvel at my 20 caret diamond ring, behold my corn feed fiancé! I’m not some vapid whore who only dates Black guys; I’m as good as Kate Middleton! Poor Kimmy, for all the money and fame she has she can’t get over the fact that mainstream America will never love her the way they love Britney. Regardless of her complexion Hollywood sees Kim Kardashian as a nigger, and no matter how royal her wedding or how white her husband looked she was never going to get people to embrace her like a token White celebrity. Paris Hilton use to laugh at her behind her back and that mean girl shit had to hurt. Kim probably  thinks the world is always giggling at her in the same fashion, and maybe it’s because of that insecurity she allowed that chip on her shoulder to lead her down the wrong aisle. You don’t get married to prove people wrong, you get married because you can’t imagine yourself waking up to anyone else for the rest of your life.

Personally I don’t really care who Kim Kardashian fucks, sucks, or marries. Yeah, I co-sign that she’s a living work of art when it comes to looks, but personality wise she doesn’t do anything for me that makes me a fan. It’s not that I’m above celebrity voyeurism, as proof by my unconditional love for Lindsay Lohan, I get why this culture goes crazy for certain people. I hate hypocritical people who judge others by saying, “People get divorced every day, they’re not paying you to care so why talk about it” then break their neck to read a story about what Beyonce eats while she’s pregnant. To each their own, but that cynicism reeks of jealousy. Whether you hate Kim Kardashian or if you love her, there is something you can learn from her epic 72 day marriage. Although she may seem like a non-human, clearly Kim made the same mistake any woman, flat ass or phat ass, makes when they think they’re in love.

You can say she did it for the money and that it was all a sham from the jump, but unless you can read minds sit your ass down. To paraphrase the great Jim Rome, “You’re telling me you honestly believe she married an anonymous New Jersey Net for money when she could have easily chosen a Laker or a Knick? Becoming Kim Stoudemire would have made her a lot more than 17.9 if that were the case”. No one knows for sure how she felt, but I’m going to give the Armenian Ass’assian the benefit of the doubt and say that it wasn’t some fixed relationship, and that because of that pressure to get married she brainwashed herself into thinking Kris Humphries was the one. Unlike Ryan Seacrest I don’t have a GPS, microphone, and camera planted in Kim’s vagina, but here is where I think she went wrong and the lessons you can learn from the Duchess of Donk.

Don’t Compete

I’m Team Khloe and the reason I fucks with Khloe is because she’s clearly a woman with balls. She doesn’t bite her tongue, she’s passionate about what she believes in, but at the same time she’s also willing to admit when she’s wrong. Khloe owns up to her flaws and that makes her insanely beautiful to me. You can hook a man with pussy, but you keep him with honesty. When Khloe and Lamar got married everyone assumed it would end just as fast, but they’re still going strong, and that’s a testament to Lamar and Khloe both knowing how to deal with each other’s flaws.  Every couple will argue about things, you cannot pray for a drama free relationship because if no one’s butting heads that means no one’s communicating. A perfect relationship doesn’t mean you never argue, it means you argue then get over the shit. You had a problem, solved it, and lived to be married another day, that is a perfect relationship. If you’re arguing over the same shit you argued about last month then you’re not solving your problems, your just throwing duct tape on the shit, and let’s take bets to see how long that holds up. Like most couples who make it work, Khloe and Lamar have found a way to patch their holes with cement, that’s the secret to their success. Kim’s not a cement type of chick at this stage of her life, she’s more of a bulldoze that house and buy some new property type of chick.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Kim was the first bitch thinking, “Khloe and Lamar are going to fail” and when it didn’t she did what a lot of single women do, she got pissed and asked God a question… “Why can’t I find a husband, I look better than her!?!” Once Khloe moved into wifeville and left Kim stranded on the island of non-committal dicks with nothing but a gang of thirsty niggas and a bottle of Midori, she stopped looking for love and started looking for revenge. If you’re a woman who has not found that special someone or you have a boyfriend whose not ready to make that commitment don’t get upset when you see others jumping the broom. Your friend, cousin, or sister getting married before you doesn’t make you less of a woman. “I’m so jealous of you” should be replaced by “I’m so happy for you”, stop making someone else’s big moment about you! Your time will come, why would you force it? So you can have the joy of sending out invites to girls you never liked just to say, “fuck you bitch, I’m engaged, and your single ass is still popping out kids for niggas!” real mature. Weddings have stopped becoming about the ceremony and more about the extravagant show of how much better you are than other people. Crystal Chandeliers and diamond bouquets don’t make you awesome, staying happily married and celebrating 50 years together, that’s awesome. Doing it bigger than the next bitch or getting married before your enemy is not a reason to speed up a relationship. In the end those bitches who you’re stunting for will be the first ones laughing their asses off when your Facebook status goes from Married back to Single.

Your Type Is Your Type For A Reason

When I’m talking about type I’m not talking about race, height, or any other superficial quality. By type I mean personality that turns you on. Kim’s type physically seemed to be Black guys and personality wise she definitely liked guys with swag who liked to party and live that Hollywood lifestyle. She didn’t need to keep dating Black dudes to find that level of swag, she could have found a white guy like Justin Timberlake and that would have served her just as well. From the time I saw the Kris Humphries on that show I knew Kim had strayed far from the type of personality she was attracted to. Los Angeles is a strange place; it’s pretentious, self-indulgent, and fun as hell if you like to show off. Kris Humphries is half-Black but he wasn’t raised hood. He’s a good ol’ boy from Minnesota, that nigga does not want a camera in his face every time he goes to the gym. He clearly didn’t need to be in the club dancing until 3am to hip hop and he never embraced that wacky Kardashian house the same way Lamar did. Kris wants to shovel snow, raise children, and wake up at 5am to practice his jump shot. Kim Kardashian knew all of this shit before she said “I Do”, but she figured like most women who meet sweet guys, “He’s nice to me therefore I can work with it and mold him into my type of guy”. Wrong! You mold a man into what you want over the course of YEARS not months. You don’t get married and think automatically, “I’ll change him into a So-Cal boy after the wedding, because no way I’m going to Minnesota for Christmas every year”. If the type of guy you’re attracted to keeps doing you dirty, then yeah it’s time to think outside the box, and try something new. But remember that it takes time and effort to convert to something new; you can’t go from Gangster to Nerd or Mr. Asshole to Mr. Sensitive overnight. You have to build up an appreciation for your new type of guy, not continue to look back and compare him to what you’re use to and expect him to eventually change into that.

It doesn’t matter who you are

Kim Kardashian is a bad bitch. I don’t care if you say hater shit like this or that is fake or she looks funny in certain pictures, her hotness is not subjective it’s factual. The girl is default pretty, and most niggas would hit it raw even before seeing an AIDS test. But the thing that goes hand and hand with good looks and wealth is ego. I don’t know her, she’s probably a sweetheart, but I don’t doubt for a minute that she’s fully aware that she’s Kim fucking Kardashian and she’s the shit. When dating a guy or a girl who is indeed the shit, you have to have a certain attitude. Either you let them blow their trumpet and cosign like Nikki Minaj “You da boss you da you da boss” or you check that ass and let them know that in this house we’re equals. Who the fuck is going to check Kim Kardashian? The woman is a brand; do you think some scrub from a last place NBA team is going to check her? I’m sure he tried, but a woman that powerful and egotistical isn’t going to compromise even when she’s in the wrong. And that’s the problem, no matter if you’re Bill Gates or Bill Jones you can’t be bigger than your relationship. Think what you will internally but when it’s time to be a good husband or a good wife, you have to play that position and humble yourself to appease the person you love.

Plan The Wedding Don’t Let The Wedding Plan You

I watched enough wedding shows to know that when my wife started to plan her big day, my job was to just nod my head and keep my opinion to myself. I did just that and I survived. Men don’t have pressure to put on Cirque du Soleil, so we don’t understand why everything is so serious during what’s supposed to be a happy occasion. But most women have been planning their wedding since they were 5 years old and they will be damned if it isn’t what they imagined. This period is not a time to be getting to know each other, it’s like trying to date a layer while he’s prepping for the Bar, you’re not going to get the nicest part of their personality due to the high stress level. One moment Kim and Kris were having intimate dinners together and talking about the future the next she’s taking 50 phone calls a day trying to make the wedding perfect and profitable. Where was their time to cement their love during all of that madness??? My wife never went Bridezilla, but she had her moments, and if I didn’t know her, the real her, I would have definitely been like; “do I really want to marry this crazy woman”. Wedding planning creates temporary insanity, and if your relationship hasn’t withstood the test of time it will make you resent each other. No matter how much honeymoon sex you have, it won’t make up for the emotional damage done during a taxing wedding.

It’s Okay To Fail

I’ve heard rumblings that Kim should have given her marriage more time, that she didn’t care enough to try and make it work. Here’s the thing, if you’re not happy—fuck it. This is your life, the only rules you follow are the ones you want to. If you don’t want to be with someone you don’t owe it to them to hang tough. You don’t owe it to your family to keep it going. You don’t owe it to the public to keep up a front. It’s not working and you don’t want to work at it, then don’t work at it, that’s your prerogative. 72 days or 7 days, who is anyone to judge what the fuck you should or shouldn’t put up with. You know who the most screwed up people in the world are? Children from homes where their parents hated each other for 20 years. The little bastards that watched Mommy and Daddy divorce at age 8 were sad, but I’m sure they grew up more adjusted than those who had to suffer with two parents who plotted murdering each other. You can’t predict the future, we all make mistakes, so when doubt creeps in during the engagement or first months of marriage, don’t be too proud to pull the plug. One of my good friends was engaged last year and after she moved in with the guy she realized he wasn’t the one for her and canceled the wedding. Money had been spent, a venue had been booked, and people were ready to attend. A weaker person would have said, “I don’t want to lose that money or have people think I’m a failure” and went through with it in hopes they could work it out after the wedding. That’s the stupidest life choice ever, if you have doubt get the hell OUT. I don’t care how far you’re into a relationship or how high the expectations people have placed on you are, when it’s not working it’s time to move the fuck on. There is no shame in breaking off an engagement or getting a divorce. The real shame is waking up five years later next to a person you no longer love and wanting to kill yourself. Kim Kardashian may not know what she wants, but she knew what she didn’t want and made the right decision for her future, and for that I’m proud of her.

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