Don’t feel bad, even Halle Berry got cheated on. I love that we live in a world where pointing to a celebrity’s misfortune helps people feel less shitty about their own situations. Beauty, money, fame, none of that shallow shit guarantees loyalty, that’s true, but statements like that are self-defeating. It’s like you’re giving men a free pass by using the excuse, “I’m not as good as her, so of course it’s going to happen to me”. Accepting it as unstoppable is never the answer. Try telling the Bodega owner he should cheer up because Citibank gets robbed too, and he’s liable to spit in your face. Who cares what happened to someone else, the how come’s of your situation are unique to you, and 10 out of 10 cheaters have different excuses as to why they did it, so stop finding comfort in being a member of the club. Cheating is a compulsion that is so varied that you could fill a phone book with all the reasons why people do it and still not understand. I want to talk about one in particular that I get emailed about—hoes trying to take your men. Nearly every ratchet gossip site did a story about that affair between DJ Envy and reality star Erica Mena. For those who aren’t up on trivial hood drama, here’s the rundown. Envy, married for nearly 20 years, steps out on his pretty wife with this industry cooz, and for some reason this caused a panic.

Sometimes being married it makes you insecure dude. I looked like I had everything. It was scary, my wife is gorgeous. She might need somebody that’s smarter than me. It made me insecure. With being insecure, with me being weak. I was so insecure and so I started messing with somebody that was beneath me. A bird. Evil. A liar. Somebody that was desperate and it’s just so pathetic. – DJ Envy

erica-mena-hoeInstead of talking about how Envy is a piece of shit it became more about how his wife was too pretty for that to happen, insinuating that if his wife was a biscuit away from Precious it would have been understandable… The confusion women always seem to have is, “Why do men lower themselves? If you’re going to cheat she should be worth it”. No she shouldn’t be. In reality there isn’t a pretty enough face, a phat enough ass, or rich enough sugar mama to justify hurting the one you love. Nothing is worth it—nothing. Men who cheat are rarely trying to replace the ones they’re with, so that logic of “she has to be better” is flawed. Not that Erica Mena’s ugly in my eyes, I’d beat that sober, but nearly all the little write ups were written in the tone of “that bitch ain’t even cute”.  They’re all missing the appeal of women like her, it has nothing to do with who’s prettier than who, it’s about that intangible hoe vibe. Erica Mena oozes slutty hotness the same way Michelle Obama oozes classy strength. Looking easy gets a dick harder than being easy because it’s not the actual appearance of a vagina that makes the blood boil, it’s the way she’s packaged that creates the thought of, “Damn! I know this bitch is nasty“. That dirtiness is a magnet that makes guys who have something better extremely curious, and all it takes is a moment of weakness to be sucked in. If you’re looking for the answer to stop your man from cheating you won’t find that here. What you will get is a better understanding of smart hoes and the men who love them.

Hoes Have No Rules

lil-wayne-groupie1+1=3 and the capital of Texas is DC. Shorty won’t win on Jeopardy, but the way she bites her lips, looks at his ring finger and says, “where’s your wife tonight?” will fuck up what you spent years trying to build. Her seduction and hustle IQ is what separates a smart hoe from the run of the mill jump off. Sex appeal and beauty don’t always go hand in hand, it’s the little things some women do that drive a man crazy. I tell women all the time that it’s not that hard to take a boy from his girlfriend if you have the confidence to walk over, the aggression to say the shit that his girl would blush saying, and the foresight not to fuck him until the prior relationship is over. A man who’s looking for something better will always leave when presented with something better, but not just because it’s merely different. So it’s all about letting him smell the greatness, but never allowing him to taste it until the other bitch is out of your throne. That’s what I call applying hoe tactics while maintaining your integrity. When you’re dealing with a full blown hoe it’s an entirely new ballgame and the rules such as don’t fuck married men or the man of your real friends don’t apply. You don’t have to be worried about her taking your man, you can keep him, she’s just going to get what she wants then return his bitch ass like a library book. These women don’t want a title, most would prefer that he keep his girlfriend or wife because fucking a man who swears he loves you is the ultimate ego boost to women with low self-esteem. “You can keep that ring, it won’t stop him from eating my pussy every time I ask”, “You say I don’t got shit on you, but we fucking the same nigga raw?”, or my personal favorite, “I share his dick with you by choice, you share his dick with me by force” Every month I stumble upon little hoe arguments on twitter, and I have to admit, while it is trifling, they have a point. You’re worshiping this man as your king, and she’s objectifying him as a dick. You would be devastated if you broke up with him, she’s ignoring his call because she has another dude inside her. You would do anything for your boo, she wouldn’t even send flowers to that nigga’s funeral… yet she’s getting the same pipe as you. It’s such a fucked up balance of power, and while it is a huge blow to your ego, you really can’t argue with someone who casually fucks the person who you passionately love.

caught cheatingYou can’t win against a hoe because she’s not after the same prize as you. She’s not searching for wedding bands and picket fences, shorty’s aim is Red Bottoms and waking up in a new Bugatti. Ladies prefer to submit and cater to their man, hoes prefer to exploit and get catered to by your man. Know the difference between the side hoe and the slide hoe. The side hoe wants what you have. The slide hoe comes through, has fun, gets what she wants out the nigga, then sends him back to you to mother him. #coldworld. I think Erica Mena is the perfect hoe because she knows how to manipulate and use what she has to get what she wants at the highest level. Last year she hustled her way onto a reality show. Replaced the girls she had beef with, made sure to fuck her way into a storyline with another cast member, and then made herself the focal character. Fuck publicity, this is ho’plicity that Paris Hilton or Kim K would be proud of. Erica’s not the best looking chick on the planet, but her charisma is off the chart and she’s an expert bullshiter. She uses her turbulent past as a crutch for her bad behavior when necessary and uses “doing it for my kid” as the motivation behind her scandalous ways. When a woman pulls her card she appeals to her maternal side like a bad puppy who needs to learn how to do better. When a man calls her out, she says all she wants to be is understood, while batting her teary eyes and pushing those tits up to the heavens. Hoes may not know how to do multiplication without a calculator, but they know how to brush that ass against a guy in a way that makes him just as dumb. Once you take away a man’s ability to see past the phoniness, seduce his body, and stroke his ego, it’s a wrap. You can be as obedient as Porsha Stewart when Kordell snaps his fingers, but if you are involved with a weak man, you will always end up sharing him.

You Can’t Out Hoe a Hoe

objectify meSingle women and those in a relationship all hate hoes, not because they get attention, but because the way they lower themselves in order to get it. You’re over here looking like Nordstrom’s and she’s over there throwing pussy with the refinement of a Super Wal-Mart, yet these men are hypnotized by her and only half aware of you. As one girl told me, “shit ain’t fair”. This creates a fight or flight scenario. These women can choose to wait for their sophistication to be appreciated by a man who wants more than a hole, or they can stand their ground and do battle in order to get those men who are hoe’notized. I can dress like a slut too. I can talk nasty when I want. My box will make him forget all about those bitches. Two can play that game isn’t always the case. Hoes are playing a game that has nothing to do with revealing clothes, flirting, or tight pussy, they are morally on another planet from the average lady. If you try and get down in the mud and compete with them, you’ll get dirty, but you’ll never be as filthy. Hoes aren’t shy or awkward, they don’t need the lights out, and they don’t need any assurance that he’s going to be around in the morning. You have fun, hoes TURN THE FUCK up. You like your ass smacked, hoes like to go ass to mouth. You make him promise not to show your nudes to his boys, hoes tell him to call his boys over. They will do things that you are too good to do, and that’s the edge you can’t counter.

hoes-be-winningDespite looking down on that lifestyle, there’s this female fascination with how to do what hoes do that has caused a buzz on the internet. Girls secretly look for tips and insight on that lifestyle because the good parts of it do sound appealing if you’re stuck dealing with bums. Getting a man to buy you dinner for pussy is elementary and few women would want that. However, having a man take you on trips, shower you with attention, and treat you like royalty for doing the same thing you’re doing for the broke niggas, that doesn’t sound wrong at all. On paper it’s so simple, yet in reality it’s so difficult to obtain because proper hoeing, not cheesecake factory and “nails did”, is a skill. You can have a hoe trainer in your corner telling you to do xyz, but just like there is a difference between a guy who can fight and a guy who knows how to box, you can’t pick that shit up over the course of a few months and win the title. You’ve been raised to be a lady your entire life, you’re soft, romantic, and honest—you are truly not about that life. Unless you have your hoe trainer on the date with you, your inexperience will get you fucked over more times than it’ll get you a first class flight to Bora Bora. There is something to thinking like a hoe, but the actual art of hoeing shouldn’t be emulated because you want to compete with the next bitch for a man who’s not worth it in the first place.

Hoe Survival Guide

How do you make your husband or boyfriend only have eyes for you? You can’t. You have a better chance at surviving the Zombie Apocalypse than you do at getting a man to keep his dick out of a hoe. DJ Envy’s wife could have cooked in heels every night, gave him head for an hour each day, introduced toys into the bedroom, and did all the this submissive mixed with nasty stuff that these single women tell you to do in order to make your man happy. Reality Check: Sucking his nuts with a halls in her mouth while he eats a steak she prepared perfectly wouldn’t have kept Erica Mena away from her husband. None of that domesticated freaky shit matters to a man who’s mentally restless. Cheating is a fetish that you can’t replicate with porn or with your spouse. These kind of men aren’t looking to make their wives into sluts. The woman they love aren’t who they want to dominate, it’s the new pussy who they want to take their frustration out on. Eliot Spitzer, Tiger, Envy, they went after girls whom they deem beneath them because that’s the kinkiness that turns them on. Men fuck girls they dislike all the time and give them harder dick than they do girls they like because being sexually sadistic didn’t fall with Rome. It’s an ego trip to pull hair and skeet on chicks like they’re nothing, at the same time you’re not going to do those things to wifey because wifey has too much of your respect. Dudes can have rough sex, role play, and choke the women they are with, but it’s not real. Choking a girl they despise and calling her all kinds of whore is an authentic release for whatever issues they are dealing with internally. The male ego loves to dominate but that’s directly in competition with the want for a life partner who’s not weak. Marry the strong women who will put him in his place and properly raise those children, yet he ends up in the hotel room with the hoe who calls him daddy and bags for a facial—that’s always been the seedy underbelly of white and black America. It’s not always about sex, it’s not always about a look, but it is always about some mental desire that men can’t duplicate at home.

it’s like a Kafka short story: you build something but you can’t live in the house because you sit around guarding it. – Rodney Mullen

erica-mena-cheatingIf cheating is wrong why would he do it if he loves me? Nothing is wrong until you get caught doing it. That’s the morals at play here, not that Nicholas Sparks shit. Let’s be serious, dudes don’t like to admit weakness for anything, let alone another woman. Yeah he’s looking at that ratchet in the mall and saying she’s trifling for having on a skirt three sizes too small, but what you don’t know is that he would fuck that same trifling ratchet with more force than he’s fucked you since you first met. That’s hoe appeal. There is nothing wrong with these thoughts, but if he doesn’t have that Jedi control of his dick, the right hoe in the right place will win out over you and there is nothing you could have done to stop it. Few girls in relationships can grasp that so what we have is all of these women grasping at straws. Some blame themselves and stress out trying to make him content. Others turn a blind eye and accept that he’s just going to cheat, then point to Halle Berry and all the other women who got fucked over, to make themselves feel better. Every woman in a relationship is looking for that trick to keep their man interested. Yes you should show your man attention, affection, communicate, and be spontaneous, those aren’t tricks, those are things you should be doing normally. You can’t wait until he’s being distant to adjust, because by the time you notice that your relationship is having trouble, you’re in trouble. You are two adults in a relationship, so the responsibility is on him just as much as it is on you. The key to helping him be a better and more disciplined man is demanding that he communicates instead of internalizing things like insecurity, boredom, or frustration. The problems aren’t coming from the outside, it’s coming from within. Putting Vaseline on your face and fighting hoes isn’t real love, it’s real basic. Beat up one hoe, another one will be calling his phone next week, curse out two hoes online, three more will pop up in his inbox the next month—he’s the problem, not the bitches. Your job is to love your man, not babysit him. You can’t spend your life trying to guard against what could happen if he’s left alone. The unpopular truth is that a man will always do what he wants to do, and if your love isn’t enough to discipline him, then it’s misplaced on him. How do you compete with hoes? You find a man strong enough not to make them your competition in the first place.

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