The best thing that happened this week other than getting all the tweets (winks at @RayeFemmeFatale) and emails from the Spartans who received the book, was a relationship I was able to develop with a woman who signed up for advice. I never put people’s business in the street unless they tell me to, and our conversation last night was something we both thought should be shared. The subject was Relationship Bullies and how the fear of outside criticism can keep a person locked into a bad situation. When it comes to relationships there is a lot of judgment from people on the outside looking in, everyone suddenly becomes so smart and wise when it comes to your problems, yet they can’t point to any difference in their love life… besides the lack of an actual love life.
You took him back, bitch you’re stupid. You couldn’t see that he was trying to play you, girl you lack common sense. You fucked him without a commitment, I know your Auntee raised you better than that. You still can’t get over his bum ass, you must have never had good dick until now. These are things relationship bullies say to women sometimes directly, but often times they say these things behind their back to another friend aka real life subtweeting. I have no problem with keeping it real and saying, “were you fucking high when you let this go on,” but I believe that if you’re going to give someone your opinion also give them a solution to better themselves or all you do is lower their esteem. Everyone wants to march on Washington for racism, but how about marching on your stank attitude long enough to stop patting yourself on the back about how you haven’t been caught up. Help a person out with tough love and troubleshoot where they went wrong instead of stating the obvious about how their relationship choice was dumb. Women tearing each other down, even passively, is high school shit. People often make condescending remarks about another person’s relationship not to inspire them to do better, but to satisfy their own egos. “I may not have a man, but at least I have more sense than this bitch,” is the gold star negative bitches give themselves. Congratulations Basica Bluth, you don’t step on the court so you don’t get hurt… but by playing the sideline you don’t score either. These sidity hoes hide in the bushes ready to jump out with fingers pointing the moment your Facebook status reverts back to single, “ToldYouSoImSmart!” Misery loves company and these chicks will happily take a break from checking their dry ass EHarmony account to tell you what you’re doing wrong.
This particular reader let’s call her Gwen, was/is totally embarrassed to talk about her problems with her girlfriends because they are in the habit of gossiping about how dumb a person is instead of trying to support and be helpful. Gwen runs her own cosmetic line, is engaged to a guy in the music industry, not the local mixtape industry, but the “his name rings bells” music industry. Because of this seemingly perfect life, she wasn’t comfortable asking for help or opinions from anyone in her circle so she came to me ten days ago and told me that her gut was telling her that something wasn’t right about her fiancé. After a few days of back and forth she let it all pour out, it wasn’t so much about me revealing secrets, it was about getting her to open up and finally admit things that she tried to play off about him. Gwen did what I suggested and she got the confession she was afraid of, but now the hard part comes. Gwen is now faced with giving that ring back, explaining to her nosey and judgmental friends that it didn’t work out, and breaking the news to her mother that the would be son-in-law she’s crazy for has a fetish for guys. Gwen’s life will never be the same and there are many women who would have let a bi-dude slide as long as he promised not to cheat again, but I’m proud of her for having the courage to not settle, Spartan up, say fuck the cars, the crib, the lifestyle and confront that man in less than a week.
“Everyone has a plan ’till they get punched in the mouth”
– Mike Tyson
What you think you know about the opposite sex or how you were raised to deal with romantic troubles, all of that shit goes out the window the moment you fall in love. This is the real world and common sense isn’t so common. When pressure’s being applied, when a man is telling you all the right words, looking the right way, and doing the right things, it’s hard to tell up from down. Love is war and when the bullets are flying, you don’t have time to think clearly, you react, and more times than not the casualties are higher than the survivors. Basic bitches hear about a woman caught up with a DL dude, roll their eyes, and comment, “How couldn’t she see that… That’s a dumb hoe… Bitches so hard up!” Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Show me a girl that hasn’t made a romantic mistake and I’ll rip that bitches clothes off and reveal a robot! Everyone needs help at some time in their life and honestly, there aren’t that many unbiased options outside of a therapist.
Everyone reading this should ask themselves if they are the type that judges or if they genuinely help their friends when they’re in need. Some of you have so called friends who you only talk to about trivial things, because honestly you don’t bang with them that hard. Others have legit best friends who never go through any drama that calls for you to be there. Most likely they’re fronting… all that tells me is that they keep it hidden from you because there is something about the way you act or the things you say that has turned them off from confiding in you. Some of you are great advice givers, but don’t have anyone you trust enough to open up to because you want to maintain the image of “I have it all together.” We’re a generation that talks to each other but we don’t say shit. People can’t shut up when it’s time to review Drake’s CD, but no one wants to talk about real emotions and feelings that aren’t of a negative nature because it makes them look weak and vulnerable. When tragedy happens to someone, you hear stories of people saying, “Why didn’t they come to me if it was getting that bad?” because you would have probably ran and told the next bitch and made her even more depressed. It’s a shame that we live in a world where friendship has become so superficial that women would rather struggle alone, then drop the front and tell those they hang with that life isn’t all good. “That’s my girl and all, but something’s you can’t tell her ass,” shouldn’t be the norm! Gwen told me that I gave her the clarity to see what she tried so hard to ignore and that she genuinely loved me, people throw the L word around a lot but this really touched me because self-clarity is all I want from all of you. I want each person reading this site to get to the point where pride, ego, and fear of criticism aren’t things that keep you trapped in toxic relationships, chasing the wrong type of love, or pretending you’re okay with being alone. Once you get into the habit of lying to yourself, the truth becomes impossible to find. Things aren’t perfect and maybe that little voice that’s telling you your man’s not being honest is more than paranoia. As much as it hurts to rock the boat when things are going good on the surface, ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s just the calm before the storm. Be strong enough to admit when you’re not sure about a situation, even if that means letting everyone else in on the secret that you’re only human.