I NEVER let other people write on this site, but I’m going on vacation for the rest of the year because what else is there to write about that isn’t in Solving Single and the recent bonus chapters “How To Date When You Don’t Want A Serious Relationship” & “Wanting A Man That Doesn’t Want You“? So to fill the void I have some of my favorite people filling in, starting with the first Black Girl to actually write on Black Girls Are Easy, Adara aka The Rosa Parks of this shit.
For those who don’t know me, I’m Adara aka the breasts behind the now-defunct @girlyousoextra Twitter account aka NC-17’s play sister. I’m basically the female him. He did me the honor of asking me to bless his blog with a post, so here goes.
Big bro is amazing at telling women what they need to know to start a relationship, keep it going, and keep it healthy. I could add to his brilliant Sparta teachings from a woman’s perspective, but fuck that. Right now, I’m here for the ladies who just want to fuck around for a while before they decide to get locked down. Let me preface this by saying: (a) I was in a serious relationship with a man that I loved with all my heart before this period of ceaseless fucking began, (b) I was emotionally void in various ways while I was doing said fucking, and (c) I really ain’t give a shit about most of these niggas. None of this or all of this may apply to you; it really doesn’t matter. Common sense tells you not to make a major commitment of any kind before you’ve shopped around and learned some shit. I don’t know why you would commit your heart without similar research and education.
These are some men you should consider fucking (or likely have fucked already) in order to figure out what you’re looking for from the man you want to settle down with:
Starter Boyfriend: This is exactly what it sounds like. The average person’s first home is not their dream home. You start with something modest then work your way up to a gated community. The Starter Boyfriend is important because you hone a lot of skills with this person. You learn how to fuck, you learn how to date, you learn how to argue, you learn how to reconcile… you just learn. This nigga isn’t meant to be the championship ring, he’s meant to give you some vague idea of how the game is played. It can hurt like hell when this relationship is over, especially if he was your first boyfriend or high school sweetheart, but at some point you stop being able to imagine the rest of your life with this person (if you ever could). So, listen to “End of the Road” for a day or two, then keep it moving.
“Girl, You Gon’ Think I Invented Sex” Nigga: This is the first man who blows your back out. If he’s your Starter Boyfriend, you luckier than that couple in Arkansas that won the scratch-off twice. If not, he’s the first dude to show you how long dick and some bass in a voice can wreak havoc on your life. After the first time this happened to me, I started tricking on the nigga: I was in high school spending all my bread on tattoos and video games for his ass. The second man had me fucking him in his car in a Kroger parking lot. Finally, I was like, “YO, these niggas not gonna whip this pussy, I gotta pussy whip these niggas”… but it was a hard lesson to learn (pun all the way intended).
Star Status Nigga: Now, I know big bro has written about hating women who fuck niggas just because of who they are or whatever (read this if you don’t know what I’m referring to), but it’s basic evolutionary psychology– women can only have a certain number of children over a certain period of time so we choose partners that have the best possible attributes, i.e. alpha males, for the sake of the species. So despite most self-respecting women not actively fucking men solely because of who they are or what they have, men who are somebody and have charisma simply seem more attractive. Every woman should fuck a man like this, even if y’all actually being together isn’t an option. You learn that all that glitters isn’t gold, that “the prettiest people do the ugliest things” (#YeezyTaughtMe), and that what you thought was “charisma” is actually well-disguised emotional manipulation.
Taken Nigga: THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID IT. IT HAD TO BE SAID. SOMEBODY GOT TO SAY IT. (#BiggerandBlacker) I’m not telling you to actively go out and be a side ho for the sake of this post, but don’t be totally ashamed if you happen to be in that position once or twice. To keep it all the way trill, it’s not your relationship to honor anyway: if that man wants to stick his dick somewhere, it could be in you or it could be in the next bitch, it doesn’t really matter to him. When it becomes a pattern, however, that’s on you. If you are sidelining yourself left and right, it’s because you have issues with self-worth. It can be exciting for a while, sure, but the emptiness of being someone’s extracurricular activity and the loneliness that accompanies it (despite the fact that you “have a man”) will start to eat at you. Meanwhile, this nigga is having the time of his life vacationing at his leisure in new pussy– your pussy. He’s not leaving his woman for you, and even if you’re just in it for the sex (you’re most likely not– women stay lying to themselves about that shit), why would you bother with the drama? As a woman, sex should always be on your terms– and when you’re a side ho, nothing is on your terms.
Freaky Nigga: So, I’m evil: sometimes I’ll fuck a man just because another bitch I think I’m better than has the nerve to want him. So one night at a party I met this man, acknowledged his attractiveness, met the chick who liked him, assessed her as a non-motherfucking-factor, invited him back to my place under the guise of watching a movie or some bullshit, and jumped him. UMMMM, yeah, little did I know he had a Hitachi wand, duct tape, and lube in his goddamn backpack. Let me stop here and say this: men look less scary on the embalming table than they do when they’re having a really intense orgasm (#vinegarstrokes). Generally when women climax, it’s like a prolonged exhale– they look poetry in motion. THIS WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES. He had me cumming so hard, I looked like I had cerebral palsy— my body was shaped like a Tetris block and when I wasn’t screaming at the top of my lungs, I sounded something like a scratched CD. He even made me squirt, a totally overrated experience which I found to be more gross and embarrassing than anything else. But overall, we had a good run: I learned what I liked and didn’t like (getting my toes sucked, #thatsthatshitIdontlike), and became more sexually confident. This led to my having consistently better sex in the long run, despite it generally being tamer by comparison.
A Nigga Who is a Fetish: This is not the same as a freaky nigga. This is not about a sexual activity fetish you have. This is about YOU and men YOU want to fuck. What is a type of man you want to try that’s out of the ordinary? Personally, I have a thing for blue-eyed blonds. I’ve fucked men of all different races, yet seeing a fine one with blue eyes and blond hair for me is like a lioness seeing a lone antelope: I just realized I was hungry and you are now prey. Black women seem to have this sentiment of only wanting black men… why? Is it because your friends will judge you? Stop sharing your business and you won’t get judged. If that is your preference and you’re sticking to it, do you; I simply have no patience for women who judge men for interracial dating like they couldn’t do it themselves. Seriously, these niggas are out here shopping the entire grocery store and you’re in the canned food aisle crying because the guy you like is feeling like having some cereal today. Get over yourself and your weird-ass race-based attachments and try some different shit. One of the biggest dicks I’ve ever seen in real life was on a half-Japanese/half-white dude (he was also a psychopath, but that’s neither here nor there), the aforementioned freaky nigga was black, my long-term ex-boyfriend was Indian (dot, not feather), and the finest man I’ve ever fucked was… you guessed it, a 6’3” blue-eyed blond baseball player. But whatever you’re into, be it heavyset men, Asian men, old men, guidos, whatever the fuck… TRY THAT SHIT. You have the rest of your life to be one man’s house pussy, whatever his color may be, so make the most of your youth and turn your fantasies into realities. (Also, your various sexploits will become a personal porno library in your head… or maybe I’m so narcissistic, I can only get off to myself.)
A Nigga Who is Smarter Than You: I’m going to say this straight up so no one gets it twisted: a lot of you wayward hos need to SHUT UP and LISTEN to the men in your life more often. I call my father every goddamn day because we have never had a conversation in which he hasn’t dropped gems of wisdom. My big bro NC-17 has been instrumental to my growth as a person. My exes even say some relevant shit from time to time. A lot of you broads can’t take constructive criticism from men because all of your validation comes from their attention and approval. Being with a man who is smarter than you is useful. He can teach you things, give you guidance and advice, sophisticate you, hook you up with jobs and opportunities, take you places, introduce you to people… if you put your inferiority complex and daddy issues in the corner for a hot second, you might realize that having exceptional people around you improves your quality of life and, by extension, your self-esteem.
An Older Nigga: The median age difference among dudes I’ve smashed is like 7 or 8 years (older than me, obviously). They lay pipe real well, they don’t talk about snapbacks and sneakers all day, they usually have some bread, and they act like they’re lucky to be fucking me (they are). But older dick gets tired, in more ways than one. First, it literally gets tired because these men are fucking old. Now, I respect refractory periods and whatnot, but there can be only so many times I want to go five rounds and you bitch out after two before I’m going to go holla at a nigga that can keep up. Second, the situation gets tired because they’re only fucking you for one of two reasons: (a) they’re immature and therefore only relate to young bitches, or (b) they’re damaged and cannot keep a woman their own age. If you’re ‘bout that life, stack them orgasms and keep it moving. But please be careful about starting a relationship with a man way older than you. When you’re young, the world is your oyster: everything is ahead of you and there are so many opportunities to go anywhere and do anything… don’t waste precious time with some old-ass nigga who is bitter as fuck and hates his job and wants to hold you back from being young and having fun.
The Man Who Breaks Your Heart: I’m cold as they come. I made an ex call his friend who was in love with me on the phone while we fucked just because. I fucked my childhood friend’s boyfriend and then fucked his best friend when the boyfriend bored me just because. I’ve fucked more times out of revenge than I can count. I’m the reason the guy you like is “emotionally unavailable” to you: I turned him out then showed him the door and now he thinks all women are evil. But I promise, I’ve had my heart broken before. I’ve flipped out and gone full Jazmine Sullivan (LMAO, remember her?), I’ve stayed in bed and cried for days, I’ve drank myself silly… I’ve done all the typical shit you do to avoid dealing with how much you’re suffering. But an athlete who gets injured doesn’t sit on his ass and take painkillers and write in his journal all day about his struggle-ass ACL. He gets up, no matter how much it hurts, and busts his ass in recovery every day until the pain lessens and the knee strengthens. The same thing happens with love: your heart becomes stronger and your mind becomes more focused after you suffer emotional hurt. Your feelings for those closest to you intensify, and your focus on yourself and the things that matter in your life sharpens. It’s hard but necessary, and furthermore, you’ll be better for it. In time, when you’re ready, you’ll be open to love again and you’ll find someone who will make you wonder what the fuck you were pining over the last nigga for.
In closing, fuck one, some, or all of these niggas before you decide it’s time to get wifed up. I consider my years of casual sex to be learning experiences I wouldn’t have had if I had spent all that time laid up with some lame-ass placeholder nigga watching Netflix. Now I’m ready to be with someone who makes me want to cut the bullshit out and be serious, but I wouldn’t have been able to recognize the value in doing so if I hadn’t taken the time to “sow my royal oats.” I guess you could call me a whore for it… but ask your mother how many dicks she sucked before she met your daddy first.