I want to dive into something that a lot of you don’t even want to think about, let alone talk about. We’re living in a world where STDs run rampant, and no matter your sexual standards or how safe you are, it can happen to you. HIV, Herpes, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and all kinds of new shit that pops up in pictures on Facebook feeds are the monsters under our bed we refuse to acknowledge. Over the years, I’ve talked to male and female readers in confidence about their problems in regards to dating with STDs, but it’s time to help those who aren’t able to speak to me one on one about this dilemma.

Most people know at least one person who had or has an STI or STD, still, the typical mind only think about these things after a wild night when they went raw and wake up suddenly religious and praying they didn’t get burnt. The truth is millions of people live with incurable STI/STDs, yet they hide in the shadows unsure of how to attain real love. Instead of it being something we judge, it should be something that we address, and let those men and women know that they can still find love and happiness if they refuse to live like a prisoner of circumstance.

We all know to use condoms and we all know that you should get to know a person for real, before you put your life in their hands, but nobody really listens to that shit. When I was growing up in Baltimore, the Shangri La of STDs, I was paranoid as hell about sex. I grew up seeing TLC rocking condoms on their clothes, Magic Johnson and Eazy-E in the news, and you get the message that “have sex and die.” Nevertheless, when you grow up and see Magic still outliving most motherfuckers and no one you know dropping dead, the “safe sex” message fades. Condoms are only used on side hoes or jump-offs, and main chicks get the raw treatment always, or what’s the point of making a chick your girlfriend… That’s called hood logic. While I was fortunate enough to never catch anything, nearly all of my boys had to take that trip to the free clinic to get a shot.

I’ve had a lot of sex in my life, and what always blew my mind was how girls were quick to bust it open without requesting a condom, shit, one girl gave me attitude when I reached for one, as if she was offended. I can only imagine how much unprotected sex is going on in the world of IG DMs and Tinder smashing… Wait, I don’t have to imagine because I get emails weekly about these kind of hookups. Men don’t give a fuck, they just want to dip into new pussy and feel ALL of it, minus latex. Women often confuse sex with love, like it’s a ratchet badge of honor to be a woman a man trusts enough to hit raw. In reality girls are just as horny as men, and when they meet a nice guy, well groomed, balls only a little musty, they think that’s good enough. “Oh he looks clean.” isn’t the same as seeing someone’s test results. “Oh we’re only dating each other” isn’t enough information to put your life at risk. Just last month I had a friend tell me that a guy she was seeing came back positive for HSV-1 and his response was “at least it’s not HSV-2” because he still was trying to bust her down. The point is, people aren’t out here trying to infect you, most are just ignorant and are afraid to get tested. Again, it’s not enough to assume or to hear them tell you how “clean” their bill of health is, you MUST know.

The scary part is that no matter how careful you are in the beginning, you can not predict if the person you’re dealing with will bring something home to you. There are some people who wait to enter into a relationship, but they don’t go through the “I need a STD test” stage, they fuck… condom for the first week… raw the rest of the relationship. Someone gets burnt… maybe it’s something a shot can clear up, maybe not. Alternatively, you both can come into the relationship free of disease… a year later, you’re getting weird symptoms and low and behold you realize the person you love not only stepped out, but brought something back.  Raw sex will always be the best sex, and that’s the real driving force behind the growing number of new cases. Instead of preaching about boring shit like, “always use a condom,” I’m going to talk about dating after the damage has already been done.

DATING AFTER YOU FIND OUT YOU HAVE AN STD

“CDC estimates that, annually, 776,000 people in the United States get new herpes infections. Genital herpes infection is common in the United States. Nationwide that’s 16%, or about one out of six people. When it comes to HIV the CDC reports that blacks account for 47% of new HIV cases in the United States which is alarming considering they make up only 12% of the US population.”

STD’s aren’t a race issue, it’s an ignorance issue, and to prove that anyone can find themselves a victim, here’s a story from WebMD about “All American Girl” Ann Smith:

“I had barely finished my first semester of college when I found out I had herpes. A high school friend and I wound up taking our friendship a little further, and 20 seconds into the act that would change my life forever, he stopped. My friend said I was too much like a sister, and he couldn’t continue. Then he left. I worried about how that incident would affect our friendship. Little did I know my worries would extend far beyond that concern…

For three years, I had a boyfriend who never knew I had herpes. Each time I had an outbreak, which for me consisted of a very small cluster of blisters that lasted two or three days, I’d pretend I had a yeast infection and say I couldn’t have sex until it was gone.  The possibility of spreading the virus even when you didn’t have an outbreak had become more widely accepted by health care providers. I was still uncomfortable about bringing up the subject, but now I didn’t have much of a choice.

In the end, instead of rejecting me, he chose to continue our relationship. What a relief. But after we had sex, he would always wash himself like a doctor scrubbing down for an operation. I could hardly blame him, but it wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. Since he was disease-free, he refused to wear condoms, instead choosing the scrub-down — something that would do nothing to prevent herpes transmission… That relationship eventually came to an end, leaving me worried yet again about getting back in the dating game.”

If you’re like Ann then you’re probably afraid to date because that means that as soon as you get close to a person you will inevitably have to tell them about your condition, and then suffer the shame of them judging you, rejecting you, or even worse, pretending to be cool with it then bailing on you as soon as they find a good excuse that makes it look like it had nothing to do with your STD. The alternative is to keep quiet, not have sex as if you’re a born again virgin, and wait until that person is in love with you to drop the news. I call that “Pussy Catfishing” and not sharing your status or misleading someone about your status is nearly as bad as spreading it to them. So for all of you women that feel like Ann and those who have friends in these situations who don’t really have any guidance, here are some tips.

Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself

First off, stop blaming yourself, stop blaming the person who infected you, stop blaming the world. It happened and there is nothing you can do to get rid of it. You can sit in the house, feel bitter because you can’t play in the reindeer games, and invest in the world’s greatest vibrator OR you can accept the hand that was dealt and win with that shit. Sex is not that big of a person’s life if you add up all the hours in the day, so it’s not that you’re being handicapped by this STD in terms of going out and meeting people. If you’re the type of person that needed the allure of your new pussy to hook a man, then you were failing at life before you got those test results. You’re crying and depressed because you’ll never find a man that wants you because any sex will have to come with a warning label… is your personality that fucking weak?

You mean to tell me that you can’t impress a man with your wit, your humor, or kindness, that unless the light at the end of the tunnel is RAW PUSSY that you are shit out of luck? The universe took away your Coochie Crutch and said, “Prove you’re still a bad bitch,” and here you are eyes all watery like, “You’re right, I’m not shit without an active vagina!” Take away the 3-point line; Ray Allen could still score. Take away Beyonce’s voice, she’s going to win a Grammy for writing a new bitch a hit song. Every human being has the ability to adapt and succeed. Will it be easy? Hell no, but it will bring out the best you have to offer with your clothes on. In the end there will be no doubt that you got that man by being spectacular, not by being just another pussy. So hold your head up and get back out on the field.

Make Them Earn The Talk

Don’t tell people your business on the first date. No matter if you’re a virgin or have an STD, why would you want to give out information to someone who hasn’t even earned the right to know your home address, let alone your sexual history? The first few dates are interviews where you’re testing for compatibility, not on some desperate mission to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you as soon as possible. Things like sex and tongue kissing are on hold and so should the talk… Once you feel a connection, or no later than the fourth date, break it down to them.

1. Make them earn your life story over 3-5 dates.
2. Explain what you have face to face.
3. Continue to date at a slow pace before sex.

Most of you can do the first 2 no problem, but the last one jams you up. Why? Because you are so afraid that no one will accept you that you buy into the first guy who says, “It’s all good, I still want to see where this goes.” Emotionally, that’s counting your chickens way before they fucking hatch. In the moment a man will always be nice and understanding. After he has time to think on it, shit changes. The truth is, dating with an STD will always be complicated because men will lie about how cool they are with it. For instance, an STD like Herpes, a man will most likely fake as if he’s cool with that, then slowly back away over the course of a month or so. Let me show you how this works:

You’re dating Dave, the perfect guy who knows how to treat a woman. On your fourth date, you can tell Dave really wants to try for sex, so you break down your sexual history, and how you were exposed to HSV-2 in college. Dave tells you that it’s all good. The next week he’s taking you out again, still being affectionate. Damn, Dave’s a real G, so you suck his dick as a reward. Maybe he even talks about ways to be safe for when the day comes that you want to have real sex. Now, you’re thinking, “Shit, Dave’s a rider, he’s thinking about long term ways to hit this.” Two weeks later, Dave’s getting busy. You don’t talk that much anymore because of his schedule. You see the writings on the wall. Dave slowly faded out because he was never okay with that shit, he just didn’t want to seem like an asshole.

Alternatively you have to worry about your business being shared with others. I don’t care if you don’t live close to where Dave lives, if he bumps into you at a club or bar a few months later, he’s going to whisper to his friends, “that’s her” now that friend tells their friend, and your Instagram is now being passed around like, “that’s the bitch with the bug.” Keep it to yourself until you get to know a person! I suggest waiting at least one month but no more than two, to have the talk with them. By that time you should be able to get to know them both romantically and personally to the point where you understand their character. I don’t want to hear the excuse of, “Men don’t want to wait for sex, how do I hold them off with excuses for that long,” that’s a weak bitch question. If you can’t keep a man’s interest for two months without sucking or fucking there is an entire archive section on this site informing you how basic of a bitch you are.

Don’t Underestimate Horny Men

My boy once said that he’d fuck Draya raw while she read her positive HIV results. It was a joke with a hint of truth. Let’s keep it real, the condom protection odds are high enough that guys won’t think twice about smashing a pretty girl no matter what she has. That’s a good thing if you’re looking for a real boyfriend, not so much if you’re vulnerable and dude is just hunting for a nut. Just because a guy is okay with your status, doesn’t mean you rush to fuck him. You’re sexually frustrated, but keep your standards. Him saying, “I’m cool with that,” doesn’t mean you slide the condom on his dick and go wild. The same way you made dudes earn it before, you make them earn it now. Dating, courting, and proving they value you — that shit still applies even with an STD! You’re not in No Man’s Land where you take any understanding dick that wants to hit. You will meet guys who will see you as an easy fuck, and because you trust them with your “secret,” you’re going to assume their intentions are pure—Ha! Don’t be thirsty! Remember your Spartan training, and make him earn it because you aren’t damaged goods to be sold at a discount.

Recycling Is For Cowards

A girl has needs that a shower head can’t give her. So if your last two boyfriends knew about your condition and didn’t care, you can always go back to them because they won’t judge and they know how to make you cum in less than ten minute. That’s good for your sexual appetite, but it won’t fulfill your romantic or emotional needs. What happens with exes is that you get lazy. You have no excuse to put yourself out there with new guys, because the itch you were most annoyed by is now being scratched. Those guys won’t stay single for long and more importantly you’re wasting time scrimmaging when you should be out playing the game for real. Again, this goes back to being afraid of being disappointed with new men: Get to know a guy for a few months, hope he’s not an asshole. Have the talk, hope he doesn’t run. Have sex, hope his dick game isn’t wack. It’s a lot of pressure and a lot of work, but what the fuck else do you have to do with your time? You don’t need a fuck buddy, you need to date, you need to get comfortable with your sexuality again, and the only way to do that is going out to sharpen your skills. You can’t do that if you hide in the past.

Don’t Thot It Up

If you can’t handle a house date, if you fear a man will back you into a corner, or if you’re going to get so drunk or so horny that you put someone at risk for selfish reasons, then you need to step back from dating. I know a woman who contracted an STI despite all of my warnings. She was obsessed with sex as validation. A cute guy wanting to fuck her made her feel beautiful, wanted, loved… so she gave it up and played by the rules of men, which often meant no protection. Even after the STI, she didn’t slow down. She would go to the bars, go back to his place, wait until her clothes were off and then say, “Oh by the way…” None of those guys she told me about turned it down. They all fucked anyway and then they all ghosted her. If sex is a problem, if sex got you into this situation, then that’s where you do the internal work. Grow. Evolve. Reset. It’s not about how good dick is, it’s about how great your insecurity is, so take time to fill those holes because even with an STI or STD, you will be tempted and tested sexually.

Lasso of Truth

The hardest thing for any woman to accept is that there is no limit to the lies a man will tell to fuck them. Dating with an STD, if done properly, is the best filter you can ever have. Those dudes who just wanted to fuck—they’re not even going to survive the dates before you have the talk because they’re not patient. Those dudes who had secret girlfriends or families—they’re going to run the moment you have the talk. Not only are you making a man get to know you for longer than the average woman does, you’re saying, “This is something that has to be about more than sex, or we’re both wasting our time.” It’s like Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth, they are forced to admit what they really wanted from you, which 9 out of 10 times is convenient pussy, not a long term relationship. A player who was just going to give you the title to fuck raw, will be hopping over the gate and back in his car because you can’t give him that unprotected sex that most men fake-commit for. You will talk to several men who flake out on you because they can’t deal, but look on the bright side; you’ll know the real reason was them wanting to fuck you, not your personality being something they didn’t want to be with.

You will meet guys who commit to you, and it’ll be proof that you didn’t need a Coochie Crutch, you were always a fucking Spartan who could hook a man with personality not pussy. The biggest thing to keep in mind is that you can’t let the combination of love and acceptance trap you once you enter the deep relationship stage. Eventually your relationship will slip into the normal up’s and down’s that come with being a couple. If you reach a point where you are no longer happy, don’t continue to hold on because they’ve stuck by your side. They’ve had sex and put themselves at risk, that’s love—but none of that love matters if you stop getting along. I had a friend that was engaged to this woman who was a straight up asshole. I didn’t understand why a guy with a great career and who could easily pull any chick would put up with that type of person. Later on after he called off the wedding I found out he had Herpes and she had been the first girl he dated since finding out. He confided in her, she accepted him, they fell in love, but as they grew together the red flags began to pile up. He was afraid to leave her, and was about to ruin his life by marrying this woman. Thankfully he found the strength to call it off, and the funny thing is he started dating again, and found another girl who didn’t give a fuck either. There will always be another person who wants to be with you, so long as if you’re the type of honest and open person worth being with.

How do you date with an STD? You just do it. Go out and be social, flirt like there’s no tomorrow, take the numbers of the ones that look good, and toss the ones that don’t. Inbox and shoot your shot online or on dating apps. In real life, don’t be afraid to walk up and pull the men that make your coochie tingle, even if you don’t plan on giving him any coochie for a long time. Be open to talk to guys who come chasing and be open to going after guys as well. You don’t have time to waste being timid or second guesing! Obsessing over “what happens once they find out” will drag you into a depression. Instead of thinking so negatively, keep a positive outlook. A person falls in love with personality, lead with that and stop throwing yourself a pity party! I’ve run out of fingers to count on in terms of people I personally know who have gotten married despite their STI or STD status. “No one wants me” is bullshit because the stats show the truth–you will find love if you date with confidence instead of seeing yourself as damaged goods.

Never let anyone tell you that you should live life in a bubble as if you’re some nasty freak that no real person would ever want to settle down with. The truth is, there are women who can’t get a man with their clean bill of health, and here you are, proof that you can get multiple men trying to be with yours despite the deck being stacked against you. That’s called stepping your pussy game up without using your pussy! You have every right to date in the same manner everyone else does, and anything you have read on this site when it comes to finding love or confidence still applies. Stop throwing a pity party like your status makes you an exception to these solutions, and get back to being exceptional.