Relationships change you. Save your “Nah-un” because this isn’t something to get defensive over. Relationships should change you. From Boyfriend and Girlfriend all the way to Husband and Wife, what these titles represent are two becoming one. Your hobbies, your taste in music, even your friends and family begin to overlap once that partnership takes hold. “Marry your best friend” isn’t about walking down the aisle with someone you’ve known since middle school; it’s about marrying someone who has proven to be compatible with you across the board as you’ve both grown and evolved. However, there is a very dark side of merging with another person. Let’s go through the list of how weak-minded people switch up:

-They cut friends off to be up under their partner

-They allow their partner to dictate who they can be friends with

-They only talk about their relationship even when out having fun

– They slowly become a Mini-Me of their partner’s opinions and personality

-They refuse to break up even when they get played because their BF or GF is the only world they know

We all know people who lose themselves the moment they fall in love. Shit, some people only know a person a few weeks and lose themselves. We make jokes about being dick whipped or pussy whipped, but it’s not about sex. The reason so many people lose themselves is a direct result of the insecurity that’s been brewing for years. I was once friends with this girl who was the Alpha of her group. She organized trips, always had the plug when it came to functions, and would even bully the other girls to come hang out when they tried to flake. The moment she got into a relationship that all stopped. She didn’t return texts, all her social media posts were love quotes or music lyrics about love, and when one of the girls confronted her about ghosting the group, she responded, “My boyfriend doesn’t like me hanging out with single people.”

This chick had only been boo’d up for three weeks! Why did she switch up the moment she had an on-call penis? Shorty was always lonely as fuck, but she hid it by surrounding herself with “friends.” She didn’t have a bae, so she made these girls her default boyfriend to go on vacations with, party with, and keep her entertained when her phone was dry. She wasn’t ever a friend in the real sense of the word, she was just a sad little girl who couldn’t find a man, so she used other people to fill that void. In addition to these personality types, there are those men and women who are guilty of being controlled by their partner. Today we’re going to look at how to check yourself when you see yourself slipping away in a relationship.

Who’s In control of Your Relationship?

Simp men who submit like they had their balls cut off, cling to their girlfriends clit 24-7, or chose new women over their own mothers are becoming more and more common in this millennial era, but I’ve touched on the male perspective of this in the new She Ain’t It bonus chapters. So, I’m going to dedicate this to the ladies who need to hear the hard truth…

Relationship Goals When You Started Vs. The Goals Now

During the dating stage, your goal was to find a nice guy who had his head on straight, was loyal, ambitious, respectful, and could survive in your pussy for longer than seven minutes. Going from dating to a relationship, your goals crystallize. No adult with a brain agrees to an exclusive relationship without thinking about marriage, children, and a shared future where both of you prosper as a team. You do not agree to be his girl because he’s cute, funny, and throws neck like an ostrich. You see his ultimate potential—husband, father, provider. Some of you make this clear while others assume that he knows this from the conversations you’ve had during the dating stage that eventually a shared world is what you’re building towards.

Fast forward to the post-honeymoon stage of an exclusive relationship where you’re both comfortable. Are you sticking to the script and building or are you just ordering Uber eats and fucking? Are you both in agreement about money and a strategy going forward to better your situations or do you just smoke and watch Netflix? Going even deeper into the relationship, has there been any real talk of marriage or have you become content to play the role of wife to a boyfriend? You told everyone when you were single how you wanted a man who would spoil you like a princess, but here you are having to pay him back for buying you dinner. All of those memes you laughed about regarding women buying their own engagement rings and look at you now thinking about doing that shit because it’s been years put into a relationship with a man who straddles the fence.

No matter what relationship stage you are in, ask yourself if you have gotten everything you’ve wanted out of that experience. I get it, you love him… he’s your world—that’s not what I asked you. You had a mental list during the dating stage, now that you’re in a relationship, have you checked any of those boxes, have you made any real progress towards your dreams? The average woman lacks power in her relationship because we as men know that her ultimate achievement is marriage, thus some of us withhold that as a manipulation tactic. Men crave sex, women crave commitment. Before sex, women have the upper hand. They can leverage the physical to make a man prove that he’s interested in also learning her mind. That’s the brilliance of being a wise woman.

Nevertheless, once you’re in a relationship, there is no more leverage. He’s bussed you down every which way, gotten you to fall in love, and now you’re caught up in the moment to the point where you’re giving him wifey treatment minus a ring. Why should a man who has been catered to buy the cow when he’s been getting the milk for free? Power, ladies, you’ve allowed yourself to be hustled out of it. Why would a woman wait five years or ten years without marriage? Why would a woman keep popping out kids with a man whose last name she doesn’t share? Why would a woman keep putting up with cheating or disrespect? Because she lost control of the relationship a long time ago and is trying to hold on to the hope of “one day.” You kept your mouth shut about what you wanted, assumed he would reward your loyalty, or just gave up the fight because you got sick of arguing about your wants, and now here you are—failing at love and becoming one of these Basicas they laugh at online.  You talk a big game, but since you’ve been in a relationship how have you backed it up? What do you have to show besides staged pictures and a complacent attitude? 

Your Social Life Then Vs. Now

We can’t blame everything on the men being bullies in a relationship, some women close themselves off all on their own. Let’s not sugar coat this—some girls are fake as fuck. After you’re done clutching your pearls, let’s look into this mentality. Some women don’t put much stock into males or relationship because they have enough self-love to get them through even the worst of droughts. Not the Typicals, they have always lived for male attention. They’ve dealt with heartbreak, been rejected, and felt jealousy towards other women more often than not. Does this describe someone you know or even yourself?  To have a boyfriend that’s enamored with you becomes a dream come true. Having a man validates you because you’ve always been insecure in terms of worthiness. The clout you’ve been chasing is the ability to say, “My boyfriend.” The bragging rights you take the most pride in is being able to say “we” instead of “me.” Posting a man on social media means the most to women who thought they were never good enough to find love. So, is it surprising that women like this lose themselves, become submissive, and forget about their day one friend the moment they get cuffed?

Why are you flaking on your friends when they ask you to go out? It’s not money, it’s not because your boyfriend has plans for you two, it’s because you got what you want, so fuck those whores who you only half-liked in the first place. All those platonic guys and fake-brothers don’t get texted back now because you don’t need the ego stroke of their attention. Your boyfriend is your everything, and it forces you to be honest about all the falsehoods you preached when single. The perfect night is being up under him, laughing and talking. There’s nothing wrong with your partner being #1 in your social life, but what happens when it becomes so grossly unbalanced that he’s also #2 and #3? He’s out with his friends, so what do you do when your timeline dries up? You hit up those old friends out of boredom, give excuses for being MIA, and make plans to hang out—that never happens. Now you dig yourself a hole because the next time you reach out due to boredom, they have your fakeness figured out and don’t answer.

What happens when you and your man have an argument? He’s your world, you’ve alienated your friends, and the only people you can vent to are family members who may throw it back in your face. I get a considerable amount of emails from women like this, they write into me, not so much for advice but to vent because they have no one in their life to talk to about real shit. Ladies, I’ve seen relationships rise and fall for a decade, and it’s almost a certainty that the guy who you’re giving your all to and putting before your friend will not last. That’s not me being pessimistic, that’s me being real. To set fire to your old life over a man is like quitting your job because you have three out of the four lotto numbers. Control your emotional highs because you will fuck yourself when you hit those lows.

Does Your Boyfriend Have More Freedom Than You?

-He can go out with his friends, but the moment you attempt to have a girl’s night out or even have a drink after work it’s a problem.

-He can go hours, even a day without calling you, but let you not respond to a text or missed his call, you will be accused of fucking everyone on the block.

-He has trained you to be careful about the people you follow online, the pictures you like, even the photos of yourself that you post. Meanwhile, he’s free to drop heart emojis every time he sees a phat ass.

-He doesn’t like your friends, and he doesn’t want you hanging out with certain people from the past because they’re bad influences, but he thinks you’re tripping when you bring up the fact that he still keeps in contacts with certain exes and guys nights with known pussy hunters.

Who would put up with the things listed above? Too many women! These dudes swear they’re your daddy, and because some of you never had daddy’s you’re turned on and energized by the thought of a man taking charge of you and putting you in your place. You don’t have a therapist to break down the gaslighting that’s going on, nor are you emotionally mature enough to know the difference between a man loving you versus controlling you. In your basic little mind, you think that’s how men love. A handful of you aren’t pushovers, you have smart mouths and clap back by pointing out his hypocrisy. In response, he either argues you down, ghosts you, or puts his hands on you. You don’t like to be yelled at, so you just do what he says and don’t go out. You have anxiety from him falling back, so you’re blowing up his phone begging for him to talk to you and promising to act right. He puts his hands on you and then tells you it’s your fault for not listening, and because you’re so in love with him, you allow that fucking clown to kiss your wounds as you take the blame for not being a good girlfriend. Love doesn’t move like that!

Every romantic relationship is replaceable. You read that, but you don’t truly understand it because you’ve allowed yourself to be brainwashed into thinking you can’t find a better man, that someone wanting you is a rare occurrence, and that it’s a woman’s job to make her relationship work by any means necessary. Fuck that noise! Relationship balance isn’t about putting a man first, isolating yourself, and no longer being social, it’s about continuing to maintain your individuality above all else. These little Basicas will tell you that people in relationships shouldn’t do this and that… that the goal is just to be laid up under a nigga… and these Pick Me women nod along. Why don’t we as men ever say these things to our boys? We don’t tell other men not to go out to the club because wifey’s at home. We don’t tell each other not to flirt with the thots at the drive-thru window. We don’t turn down drinks with the cute girl’s at work, and we don’t tell the homies we have to be home by a certain time. We do what we want because we know women aren’t going to leave a comfortable situation! “The Future Is Female,” no the fuck it’s not because men have rigged the rules of this world in their favor, and far too many of you play along because you don’t want to lose our love. Spartan Up and embrace the things I’ve been writing about for years because those women have actual happy endings.

One of my good friends posted a picture of her and Jay-Z on IG to wish him a happy birthday. Even though this picture was from years ago when they worked together, her fiancé flipped the fuck out about how she was disrespectful by posting another dude. What did she do? She cursed him out and laid down the law that if she wants to wish a male friend happy birthday, she will do so, as publicly as she wants. Her fiancé was then told politely that if that would be a problem, he could have the ring back. That’s power! Some of you Cosplay as Spartans, you claim you’re no-nonsense, but when it comes to defining the rules of a relationship you give in. Never love a person so much that you lower your standards or compromise your integrity to make them feel more secure in their skin. To bend once is to bend forever because dominating personalities will always see you as weak.

Could You Walk Away

The final test in terms of telling if you’ve lost yourself in a relationship is to ask, “what if we broke up tomorrow.” The argument that breaking up would crush you because you’re in love isn’t what I’m getting at. Breakups hurt and they’re hard to get over. What I’m driving at is how your life would look if you break up. Are you dependent on your boyfriend to the point where you would have no place to live, no one to talk to, etc… It’s normal to be in love and have those times where all you want to do is be around your person, but if all of your eggs are in that basket and you’re left emotionally, financially, or socially stripped then you weren’t in love, you were in a cult.

Moving cross country for a man. Joining your finances with a man. Using your credit for a man. Taking on his friends as your own friends. Cutting off family members for a man. You don’t do these things because you’re stupid, you do these things because you believe he’s your soulmate, the one that will be there for you for the rest of your life, and your actions are meant to prove to him that you don’t love halfway.

Spoiler Alert: Niggas don’t care. Men fall in and out of love, and “but I did…” won’t save you if you’re on the downside of his feelings. Do you want to be that sad chick who pretends to be the roommate when other women come over because you can’t break the lease? The fool who has to tell her friends she was the one paying for the baecations? Or be rebuilding your credit all over again in your 30s?  I’m not trying to scare you away from putting yourself out there, if you’re reading this most likely you’re already in a relationship. What I want you to do is be emotionally prepared in case it doesn’t work out. Have your own money. Maintain your support system. Stay woke to the realities that human emotions are often fleeting. Never be one of these “I can’t just up and leave,” types.

Reset the Rules

Relationships take work, and it’s easy to lose track of your own needs when trying to make someone else happy, but there’s no excuse for putting yourself last. Think about your current relationship, situationship, or whatever the fuck it is that you call yourself doing and be honest about how much power you have and how happy you are. Done? I know your grass isn’t as green as you pretend, I know you’re low-key depressed, and I know you have no idea how to fix your situation without destroying everything you’ve built.

This isn’t a call to break up and start over, it’s a smack in the face to hit reset. You’re too old to keep quiet, act passive-aggressive, or keep going on breaks. Open your mouth and have a real conversation, not the next time something pops up, I’m talking this week. Get a piece of paper and scribble out YOUR VISION for your relationship. No more of this “go with the flow” little girl shit that you’ve been doing because you’re afraid to be told “no.” You need to have a solid 3-year-plan for you and the guy you’re with. Write down where you want to be romantically. Most of you ladies are great when it comes to setting career goals but pussy out when you have to confront men. Not in Sparta. List out your path. Go over it a few times. Before a week goes by, meet with him and go over that 3-year-plan. This isn’t to demand or make ultimatums, men don’t need to be talked down to or bullied into acting right. I need you to start a dialogue that should allow you to get on the same page. Your man may surprise you with his own input, or he may disappoint you by blowing it off. It doesn’t matter if the conversation brings you closer or it proves that he will never give you what you want, the only thing that matters is that through this exercise will have now figured out the ultimate method to communicate get what you want. That power will benefit you for the rest of your life.

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