A guy chased you for years trying to get a date, and you finally gave in only for him to lose interest a month later…
A guy spent weeks blowing up your phone, taking you out, and tricking gifts only to randomly become too busy to text back…
A guy who had a WHOLE girlfriend left her just to get a shot with you, only to ghost you without reason…
Catch and Release it’s what we males do at some point during our lives if not for life. Every woman reading this has had a man on her heels; thirsting, spending, begging, being vulnerable all in an attempt to get your full attention. THEN the moment you start to like this guy more than usual, he switches up. Sometimes it comes after sex, sometimes you don’t even have sex. Regardless if you sleep with him or not, the real damage comes in the form of the confused rejection. Let’s be honest ladies, sometimes these false alarm men are everything you’re looking for physically and personality-wise… but 8 out of 10 times they’re not your type. You adjusted your checklist because of how he pursued you. Coming correct with real effort, is a turn on that quickly turns Mr. So-So into Mr. Sexy AF.
“Make sure a man is more into you than you are into him” is solid advice until you realize that men are experts at turning the table and making you fall hard and fast. The first month he was on you, but by the second month, you’re the one open due to the attention and treatment. That’s the Catch phase. Then, out of nowhere, that same eager man stops calling as much, stops trying to see you, gets busy, and eventually you stop speaking altogether. That’s the Release phase. Why did he do that? What was the point? Keep reading…
I’ve heard all the stories from, “Everything changed after we had sex,” to “I didn’t even fuck him, he still started acting funny” and most recently, “He doesn’t make an effort to see me anymore but still watches all my IG stories…” Rejection is a bitch, especially when you felt like the dominant force in the driver’s seat. He was on your clit, yet he still had the power to take away his attention and hurt your feelings. You say you don’t care, but you do. You claim he didn’t ghost you, but he did. Yeah, he’ll text back some dry bullshit if you hit him first—doesn’t mean he likes your ass. Yeah, he watches your social media stories—but he’s looking at every cute girl’s story, that shit isn’t special. You may even pretend you cut him off, but the reality is if he reached out and wanted to see you, you would be like— “If you want…” You still want to repair things, not because you see him as special, but because rejection invalidates your ego. To feel better, you need to be recognized by the same person who pulled you in and pushed you away. Vent about him, curse his name, go date someone else, it won’t take away the pain, beloved. The very thought of him triggers you because once again a man made you look stupid. He’s off living his best life, and you’re stuck in your feelings, wondering what you said, did, or didn’t do that drove him away. In the end, it’s all a game, and it’s time for you to stop losing.
Do the romantic actions of men during those first few weeks or months mean they want you? That depends on how you define “want.” 90% of straight men would fuck you, yes even you over there who just sucked your teeth…your low self-esteem having ass could get dick tomorrow if you tried because guys are easy. Sex or the fetish attraction driven by lust is not the “want” I’m referring to when discussing pursuit. When I say “want” I’m talking about a passion to get to know who you are beneath the surface, not beneath your clothes. I’m pointing to a need to experience the whole of you and ultimately to tether himself as your man because he can’t imagine another having you. Every male has romantic passion inside of him. There is no such thing as a man who doesn’t want or need love. “So why didn’t he want me after I did XYZ” Ah-ha! That’s the carrot that’s dangling. Just because a man is capable of giving you his love doesn’t mean he will. In my book Men Don’t Love Women Like You I outline Game Changer’s versus Placeholders, so I won’t go into that psychology. Instead I want you to understand what negative pursuit looks like so you can save yourself the frustration of falling for someone who will eventually run hot then go cold.
When was the last time you’ve been truly wanted on a deeper level than the physical? Do you even know how to tell the difference between someone truly interested and someone who is chasing you for sport? Each of you has dated or has seen enough of your friends’ date to recognize that pursuit doesn’t equate to genuine interests. Even still, you “give chances” aka “allow yourself to be played” because you have yet to master the ability to poke holes in a person’s character. You want to believe in the bullshit philosophy that if a person is treating you good in the beginning that their intentions are pure. A few dates, daily texts, long phone calls, going on a trip, are nothing but a smokescreen, but you swear it means that a person really likes you because when it comes to romance, ego drowns out wisdom!
A man’s willingness to chase what’s between your legs isn’t the same as craving you on a deeper emotional level. Some men chase to get over exes. Some men chase to boost their own low self-esteem. Some men chase out of power. Some men chase women in relationships because it feels good to beat out another man. Some men chase women who see them as platonic, just because they want to prove they can get out of that friend box. Some guys get your number just text you, never even asking you on a date, because you’re just conversation, not worth taking out. Some men talk to you just to get closer to your friend, that’s who he really wants to hit. And yes, men chase women for pussy more times than not because that’s what we’re hard-wired to want, a nut. I know you’re thinking, “I hate boys, I quit.” Again, I’m not talking about ALL MEN. I’m just preparing you to toughen up, so you see past the ones I’m currently describing.
Why Male Bullshit Works
Woman Logic: But there are so many other women he could go after that would be easier… why spend all that time talking on the phone… why spend money on dates… why tell me all these deep things… why chase me if it was just a hallow act of boredom, lust, or competition?
Men don’t need a cosmic reason to go after you other than an impulse. The game goes CHASE, CATCH, RELEASE until we run into a Game Changer that makes us want to hold onto the catch stage longer than normal or even forever. Some men like the idea of a woman, but once they get hold of her, that reality can fail to create that same spark as that imagined fantasy, so they fall back, get busy, or simply pop up with something new so you get the hint. I know… it’s a cold fucked up world. Even making it this simple, you’re probably still confused. If a guy just wants to have sex, why doesn’t he say it? If he still wants to shop around why treat you like a girlfriend? Think of males like career criminals, some mature and reform their ways and are totally honest when pursuing women. The other half, all they know is how to run game, even when it would be easier to be honest. I call these guys The Typical Males…
Typical Male Actions: Chase for sex but act and talk as if they want more. Ruin a platonic or work friendship by saying they want to take it deeper but in actuality they just want to hit. Have a friends with benefits situation but manipulates the woman into not talking to other men, but make sure he’s free to still fuck other women. Has a girlfriend and wants new pussy for diversity sake, but claims they’re unhappy in their relationship so the woman feels less guilty about allowing him to cheat with her.
As a woman you’re not wired to play this kind of cat and mouse game. You’re looking for something real and assume someone who puts in that initial effort is also looking for something substantial. “This is why men need to change their ways! GL, teach these boys to be men!” that’s not going to happen, princess, this behavior works too well. The only change is when women stop falling for it. The question is, why do YOU assume pursuit is genuine when you’ve seen how the story goes? How do smart women consistently allow their hearts to override their common sense? Is it hope? Is it optimism? No. It’s ego.
Riddle me this: are you naïve to how men operate or do truly believe the men who chase after you are exceptions to this rule? Women live for attention. I’m not talking about the telling everyone it’s your birthday month, brand of basic attention. The ego that men exploit is that want to be wanted, praised, and proven special. Think about the world you live in with social media, affordable plastic surgery, and the bombardment of women who either look better than you look or have more than what you have. No matter who you are, you can go through that discovery page on IG and see a chick that seemingly outshines you in your own opinion. To have someone on your heels as if you’re a celebrity, to tell you how better you are than other women, to risk their relationship, or wait on the sideline waiting for you to give them a shot is empowering. In the moment where men kiss your ass, blow up your phone, or spend money on you, you feel like a goddess. That’s how a Kardashian feels, that’s how Beyoncé feels, that’s not just romantic love, it’s groupie love that proves that no matter how many likes those chicks on IG get, you’re just as amazing.
The catch is, you’re not being chased daily, at least not by men you would consider dating. That validation that you can ONLY get from male attention doesn’t occur that often, leaving you lost at times. You don’t need a man, but it’s nice to have one to talk to… you don’t want a relationship, but it feels good to go out and be treated like you’re the only woman in the world. New men who pursue you know that you have this insecure crack in your armor, and they slip through with consistent effort. Exes or guys, you cut off run back and play to your ego as well, and you allow them to remain in your life because you LOVE male attention. Own up to your insecurities and stop pretending you don’t long for affection because faking like you’re a savage isn’t going to protect your heart. The 21st century is a very shallow place. Depression and Anxiety are more common than ever, and positive reinforcement that you are good enough is hard to find if you don’t have self-confidence. You’ve been waiting to be chased, waiting to play hard to get, waiting for a man to put in effort and passionately claim you. That masculine energy of showing you that you’re wanted not only makes you moist it blinds you to the fact that it may be fool’s gold. With your eyes now open. Here are the top things to look for to guard against this onslaught.
Guarding Against The Pursuit
The Blitz Test: He meets you, he’s smitten, he gets your number. That’s how most of you will start this journey. It doesn’t matter how you meet him online or off. What you need to look out for his that initial hurry to win you over. A man being excited and in a rush to text you, call you, or take you out isn’t a negative. You want engagement, not someone who is trying to play it way too cool like you’re some average bitch. However, you can’t let a man consume all your time out of the gate. Marathon phone calls—bonds you fast. Multiple dates in one week—bonds you fast. Taking you out of town during the first month—bonds you fast. The more a guy talks to you the more comfortable you get. Lowering a woman’s guard can be difficult because of the nature of the fuck boy dating pools that have hardened most females. From an early age, men learn that getting a woman to open her legs is often easier than getting her to open up about who she is and all the things she’s survived. The workaround to soften even the toughest woman is to blitz her.
By smothering a woman by wanting to see her and talk to her every day during the first 1-4 weeks a man succeeds in earning her trust. It sounds silly, but it’s beyond common. The routine of talking to him becomes comforting. The conversation is fun because everything you reveal or that he reveals is exciting and new. The second level conversations where you have inside jokes or where he just shuts up and listens to your problems, it puts you at ease. If he’s taking you out on date after date, it’s like a fairytale; you finally have something to do and can brag to your friends about all the places you’re going. In terms of rival men, your ex, situationship bae, or even that crush you’ve been waiting to make a move on, they all get pushed to the side because he’s overcharging you with male energy to the point where you don’t have time to think about outside dick.
He’s not your boyfriend, you won’t even have sex at this point, but by blitzing you with attention and consistent healthy treatment you will over like him in short time. There are stories of people who met, were inseparable, and jumped into a relationship so you may think it’s good that a man is blitzing you, it’s evidence that he thinks you’re special. You’re not worried about how much time you’re spending with him because this is what “love” is supposed to feel like…then he stops seeing you as much, and you’re now searching his social media for clues only to find out he’s now blitzing a new woman.
Guarding Against The Blitz: Never give any ONE man more than 20% of your time during the courting stage. He can call you and text you, but don’t talk to him every night and don’t text him throughout the day. His job is to take you out and date you so you can see how much he values you. With that as a goal, that first 1-2 weeks of conversation should consist of seeing if he’s good enough/safe enough to take you out and then planning that date. You text to chit chat. You jump on the phone to find out the basics if you don’t already know them, such as his job status, his family history, and to poke for red flags from past relationships. Once you set the date, there’s not much to keep talking about until AFTER that first date.
On that first date is where you do all the vetting that I’ve covered on this site and in my books. If he tries to see you again that next day, decline. If he tries to take you on a date again in two more days or wants you to meet up with his friends at some bar, decline. If he calls you after work and wants to talk, have a conversation about things you forgot to talk about on that date, but keep it short. Do not spend the next four nights after your first date talking for hours and having phone sex. Dirty talk turns into wanting to see you, and you’re just as horny, so you want to see him. Even though you may not go over to his place and have sex, you now get into the habit of house chilling. That’s how the blitz works lady, men pour all that attention on you until you loosen up the standards, and now because you had marathon phone sessions, went out a few times in one week, and let him kiss below the neck, you’re open. Two weeks ago, he was a stranger who you didn’t even think was all that cute, now you’re getting fingered to Disney+.
Learn to lie about things you have to do the next day. Learn to make excuses for why you can’t randomly see him after work. Learn to say, “how about Friday, instead.” 20% of your time means that even if you’re bored and lonely you must maintain the image of a busy life. If he sees you’re a do-nothing chick or all you have outside of work are reality shows and social media scrolling, he’s going to run over you. At the same time, men need to be humbled while in pursuit, even the good ones. My now-wife told me “no” several times and did not pick up the phone every time I called. Slowing down the process keeps a man honest, and it keeps you from getting caught up in the wave of that new exciting energy of male affection. Again, you may not like lying or faking busy, but it’s better to play hard to get than to get played.
The Spoil Test: One of my favorite internet jokes is “It’s always ‘how was your day’ never here let me pay your rent’ boys are so ghetto” One of my favorite Ho Tactics stories was “G.L. I did what was in the book and why did this guy give me money for my rent before we even went on a date.” For every joke about men spending money, there are actual guys who don’t mind tricking because they have it. The world we live in is filled with tricks, treats, and sponsors. Some of you will meet these kinds of men for the very first time, and it will blow your mind because you will assume the spending of money means he’s invested in a future with you. Money isn’t everything blah blah blah, but have you ever just gotten $500 just because it was a Tuesday and he was thinking about you? No matter what you can do for yourself, money mixed with consistent male attention is extremely seductive.
The most common version of Spoiling pursuit that I’m emailed isn’t so much money being given, but the kind of dates a man pampers a new woman with. Five-star restaurants, tickets to a concert, treating your friends, and being offended if any of them try to pay, one guy took my friend on a Helicopter ride the first date, just to remind her who the fuck he was. Most men ball out the first date. What the Spoiler does is keep up that effort and show you that this isn’t a front to fuck you fast, it’s how he rolls. Unlike typical males these kinds of pursuers are rarely in a rush to push for sex. A lot of women I advise are confused as to why a man is spending without trying to hustle them back to their room. The sex isn’t the payoff, the payoff is blowing your mind, keeping that smile on your face, and then going in for the kill when he feels he’s played the “Daddy” role long enough. It’s a male ego trip that you don’t know is at play because in your mind you’re counting all the money he’s spent just to get to know you and assume you have him sprung. Wrong!
Laying up with a cute guy and cuddling is nice, but it doesn’t stroke the ego like riding in his luxury car, being giving gifts just because, showing off to your friends, and being surprised each week with what he has planned for you next. It’s easy to get caught up in this world he’s creating for you, but there is something deeper than materialism at play. Spoiling activates the “security” programing that all women have. That program dictates: I can do things on my own, but it would be so good if I had someone like this to partner up with me. Women unconsciously look for providers, it’s how the entire human race has survived. The result is in a month or two he wins you over, and then the wheels come off. Maybe he has sex, and the lust dissipates, or maybe he finds a new version of you to spoil. Either way you’re left emotionally distraught because you didn’t lose some guy; you lost a fucking Unicorn. Now it’s back to dating broke boys or stingy guys who expect you to go Dutch. “How do I get him back, GL” is what I hear all the time when it comes to dating these spoilers, but the truth is, you never had him in the first place, he was just buying an experience.
Guarding Against The Spoil Test: Act like you’ve been treated to nice shit before even if you haven’t! Narcissists and egomaniacs get off on blowing your mind with treatment, but they’re waiting to pull the rug from under you and “send you back to the streets.” Control freaks use money to gain your loyalty, then dangle it over your head once you become dependent. I have stories about how to turn the tables and milk them dry, but this isn’t about Ho Tactics, this is about guarding your heart. When you come up against this kind of man, you must use reverse psychology. By the third fancy place, suggest something more low key or more your speed. Never turn down a gift, but return the favor by giving them a return present the next time. For every aspect of trying to overdo it, you need to fire back the favor. Not only does this show him that you don’t need his money, it proves that you bring something to the table. If he was only looking for a toy, then this reaction won’t sit well with him, and you’ll expose his darker nature. If he saw you as just another bird who would follow the crumbs, this will make him rethink his perception of your personality. Most importantly if he starts to put pressure on you for sex and brings up what he’s done for you, then that’s a crimson red flag that he’s not invested on a real level.
The Push & Pull Test: This form of pursuit is one most of you know well. You meet a guy, he seems interested in you, but before you get traction it crumbles, only for him to come sniffing back around. I’ve gone over this many times, at the relationship level, but it’s just as effective in the early dating phase. You meet a guy, you vibe, then the monkey wrench comes: You get in an argument over something dumb, and he stops responding to you. He has poor communication skills, and you get sick of going back and forth with him and cut him off. He makes plans only to cancel them and not reschedule.
The psychology behind The Push & Pull hits at the nerve of your insecurity—Am I worthy of love? If a man thinks you’re too confident and wants to knock you down a peg so he can reign over you, all he has to do is take away his attention. This humbles you so that when he comes back with “I miss you,” your attitude has been adjusted to his liking. If a man wants you on his roster but also wants the freedom to keep going after other women, The Push & Pull could be as simple as allowing you to find out that he talks to other women, then cursing you out about being in his business. He lets you marinate in this rage/sadness for a week or so, then he comes back with sweet words that you’re the only one for him. He’s still dealing with other bitches, but because you just got reprimanded, you’re not going to rock the boat again. The main thing to remember is that the Push & Pull is a mindfuck, it’s gaslighting at the most basic level that relies on using guilt and rejection to make you bend your personality to his will. The scary part about this version of pursuing you is that it won’t stop after sex, so long as you prove to be an obedient sucker he’ll always pull you in when he needs something, push you away when you start to resist his bullshit and then pull you back in when he knows you’re once again vulnerable.
Guarding Against The Push & Pull: Don’t react to the mind fucks! It really is as simple as being quick to cut someone off, no matter how much you like them. The moment a man blows you off or ghost you ask yourself if it was warranted. 9 out of 10 times it won’t be. Maybe you have a smart mouth, and he was reacting off something you did or said. Explore that don’t allow him to gaslight you into believing that’s exactly what happened. Many of you have this paralyzing fear that you will miss out on “The One” and be single forever. You have flaws, you’re no saint, and when a man cuts you off or ghosts you because of something he claims you did that anxiety whispers “yup, that’s what I do, and this is why I’ll always be alone.” Bullshit. Again, explore what led to him pushing you away, and if it doesn’t line up as understandable, block and delete him because he’s trying to sink his hooks in with an imaginary beef. In terms of ghosting with no explanation, stop letting men come back into your life without explaining their actions. If he can’t communicate where he was for the past week or weeks, then why are you giving him a second chance? If he gives you some asinine answer like “I had family troubles” or blames it on work and being busy, then keep the gate up and tell him you’re good.
I know its easier said than done, ladies. I know it’s hard to find a man whose looks and actions match what you’ve been praying for, so you impulsively give him the benefit of the doubt. His potential is why you unblock him. His smooth words or heartfelt texts are chicken soup for your insecure soul, so you agree to see him again. You can be a bit crazy, so you justify his toxic actions towards you. You forgive only to see your feelings hurt all over again. If your love life were playing out in a movie, you would be yelling at the screen, but it’s not. You live life in a bubble of confusion wishing you just knew what to do or say to make the good times last and to keep him liking you. The want to be loved has you looking like a fool, and you can’t even see it. Guarding against mind fucks aren’t hard if you don’t have a mind that can be fucked with. Secure your mental!
The next time a man rejects you in this way, I want you to go in the bathroom, look in the mirror and repeat: “The man that’s for me would never treat me this way.” Be high maintenance, be quick to dismiss, and don’t worry about if you were in the wrong. No, you’re not perfect, and you’re not always right, but a man who sees potential in you would rather talk about your faults than push you away. Real men try to heal and uplift, they don’t suck their teeth and ignore your texts. The fact that any man would run away over something that could be discussed maturely only to come back trying to exploit you proves that he’s not emotionally worthy of being in your life.
You Should Be Earned
Vet. Question. Test. Vet = spend time getting to know him and check for consistencies in his persona. Question = ask the things you want to know and stop assuming based on second hand information you researched online or that someone told you. Test = go out into the real world and see how his mood changes, be unavailable to see how he reacts, and always keep track of if his actions continue to match his words!
I have books that break all of these things down in detail, read, study, apply win…
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